My dad did not tell me he was dying

[Great sadness]

My dad died a week ago and he was in hospital for a month before that. He did not tell me that he was sick and he told the hospital For a month he had no family. I’m just trying to understand why he did not want to say goodbye or I love you one last time. I would have liked to talk to him, even if just on the phone, because there was a bit of bad blood between us and it would have been good to clear things out. I feel punished, really sad and angry because even if I respect his choice I am the one who has to live with it forever.

[kayc]

Some people are unable to deal with emotion or conflict resolution.  I am so sorry for your loss and your experience.  Having had a mom who was mentally ill all her life, I've realized there is only so much we can do...we cannot change them or cause them to want to do the right thing.  All we can do is set boundaries as to what we will and will not tolerate and stick by our boundaries.  There are some things for which we don't get a neat clean closure, instead we have to make our own, and although that's harder, we can do that.

This article wasn't written particularly for this scenario, but I think it has some good points all the same: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-our-need-for-closure-_b_5570086

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, Great sadness said:

I feel punished, really sad and angry because even if I respect his choice I am the one who has to live with it forever.

I'm so sorry to learn of the raw and difficult feelings you're having in the wake of your dad's death, but it's certainly understandable under the circumstances. It appears that you've been left with a boatload of unfinished business between your dad and yourself. 

Might you find a way to have a conversation with your dad, which would give you the chance to identify some of that unfinished stuff ~ to say whatever you need to say, in an effort to get it off your chest and out of your head so that you can one day come to terms with it and then let go of it? This might be in the form of a written letter or a in session with an empty chair that represents your father. It really doesn't matter if your dad can hear you or read your words ~ what matters is that you acknowledge your thoughts and feelings as legitimate and real, (bearing in mind that feelings are not facts, and neither are they right or wrong; they just are, and we cannot always help the way we feel). If you find that this is too difficult to do all by yourself, it may be worth your time to ask for a visit with a qualified grief counselor who can guide you through the process. This is way too heavy a burden for you to carry for the rest of your life, and I hope you'll consider finding an alternative. You are worth it, and you deserve it.

[ipswitch]

I don't know how old your Dad was. I do know some people know their time is limited, and don't wish to have a lot of fussing, emotion, and pity at the end. It happened to a woman I know. Her father-in-law had an inoperable brain tumor. He made a decision not to tell his children until he figured he only had a month or so left.

Maybe your dad was one of those people, and miscalculated how much time was available for last conversations and amends. Perhaps he was in denial about how sick he was. Sometimes people don't want to face the fact they're going to die. I know a man who was in that situation: his spouse was terminally ill, and refused to talk about it or make any decisions about cremation / no cremation, burial, memorial service - no decisions about anything, because that would mean acknowledging mortality. 

I know a woman whose dad was in kidney failure. He had a medical issue, went to the hospital, and told his kids that he was through with dialysis. He was reminded that without it, he'd die, but he was tired, and tired of feeling sick. He made his decision, and doctors counseled him to expect the end in about two weeks, maybe a little longer. They figured he'd be more comfortable, at least for the night, in the hospital He was over the immediate crisis, and his admittance into the hospital was listed, "for observation." He went to sleep, and when nurses came in to check on him a few hours later, he had died.

Sometimes things like that happen. I'm so sorry, but maybe it will help to consider this wasn't something your father did *to* you.