My girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me after my mom passed away

[jordan3351]

Hi...I was in a very serious relationship for 7 months when my mom was put in hospice.  My girlfriend is 45 and I am 50.  We didn’t live together but we spent 3-4 days/nights at each other’s house each week during the relationship.  My girlfriend came to hospice twice with me and sat with my mom at her bedside, talking to her and holding my moms hand.  My girlfriend had met my mom and family a couple times prior to this, and she loved my family and they loved her.   My girlfriend also brought her 12 year old daughter to hospice to meet my mom for the first time.  It meant a lot to me as her daughter and I had developed a close relationship, and my girlfriend is very protective of her kids.  By introducing her daughter to my mom at hospice, it reinforced how much she loved me and thought of us as a family.  2 days after my mom passed away, I suffered an injury as I tore my Achilles’ tendon and was put on a knee scooter and crutches which I needed to use at the funeral.   It was more stress added to the situation.   My girlfriend was very involved with me and my family at the funeral, as was her 12 year old daughter.  My girlfriend also agreed to be mentioned in my moms obituary with me.   We had a trip planned to Florida that was scheduled many weeks prior to my mom passing.  The trip was with her daughter and one of her friends.  So a few days after the funeral we went to Florida.  I was already grieving from my mom, and dealing with being on a knee scooter and crutches while in Florida.  In addition, my girlfriend found out the day after my moms funeral her dog had cancer.  So we both had a lot of stress and things going on during the trip.   The trip went OK, but we did get short with each other a couple times.   This had never happened before during our relationship. We had never argued or been in  any disagreements before.  Also while in Florida, the Covid pandemic was just starting to brew and my girlfriend found out that her kids schools were being closed when we got back home and the kids would be doing home schooling.  
 

Up until my mom went into hospice, we had a great relationship.  We constantly told each other we loved each other, told each other how much we missed each other when not together.  Her kids loved me ( and vie versa).   We did everything tougher.   
 

After returning from Florida, my girlfriend  told me she needed some “me time” and wanted a break.  I respected that and gave her space.  We did text over the next few days, and then a week later she told me the relationship wasn’t working for her anymore and that everything had changed the past couple weeks.  I was very hurt and confused, especially after she was so loving and supportive during my moms passing, and she introduced her daughter to my mom in hospice.  So we broke up and I wished her the best and told her I would always be here for her if she needed anything.   She did tell me that she thought all the stress had a lot to do with the breakup.  I felt like we could have worked through it all.   After the break up, There was no contact for 5 days, then she texted me about her dog and the cancer pathology results,   We texted and chatted for the next couple weeks about the status of her dog, and general conversation about her kids and stuff. The communication was great and positive.  I never brought up trying to meet or get back together as I felt she should bring that up if she was ready.  We then went a week without any communication, until I reached out to see if her dog has surgery yet.   Her texts now became short, and not much emotion in them.   About a week later (which now was 4 weeks after the relationship ended), I decided to take a chance and go see her.  I believe in fighting for someone I love, and it had been 4 weeks.  When I got to her house, her daughter answered the door.  We said hi and I asked if her mom was home.  The daughter said she was downstairs exercising in the exercise room.  I went down to see her but my girlfriend said she wasn’t ready to talk.  So I said I was sorry, and left.  I felt horrible.  It’s now been 3 weeks since we have communicated.  
 

A little more background info....after we broke up, my girlfriend accepted my sister in laws friend request on Facebook.  Up until last week she was still liking my family members posts on Facebook.  We are still friends on Facebook but don’t communicate.

 

I am very hurt and confused and don’t know what I should do.  If she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, why did she reach out to me first after the breakup, text with me over those 2 weeks, and continue to like my family members posts on Facebook.  I know I need to try and move on, but I still truly love her and feel we can still work  things out.  The hard part is trying to figure out what happened and what she was going through to end our relationship all of a sudden.   Can anyone give me some advice?

[kayc]

First I want to say I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and everything that is going on since.  I lost my dog to cancer nine months ago tomorrow.  It was a very hard thing to go through and I had to cut loose a 45 year friendship right after his diagnosis as he was arrogantly telling me what I should do and I couldn't handle that...my baby is dying and this person is making it about them?  The vet said it was inoperable and already spread, liver shut down so there WAS nothing could be done except provide comfort for the duration left.

Sometimes it's the circumstances that call a halt to things, whereas you can handle being short with each other under normal conditions, maybe it's too much with all of the stress involved that you're both going through.  Sometimes someone can't take on what someone else is going through because it's just too much.  

Ten years ago my fiance blindsided me but breaking up with me by Fed Ex when his mom was dying.  I was shocked.  I never got closure or explanation or a last discussion, nothing.  Sometimes we have to make our own closure, it's harder, yes, but it can be done, people do it all the time.  Sometimes things don't end nice and neat or in a way you can understand, leaving you reeling or feeling like there's unfinished business.  When the person gives you one kind of a message and then abruptly something the opposite, it can be hard to take.  But we have no choice but to take their wishes seriously and respect them.  Even while not liking it.

Your XGF has made herself explicity clear, to force your way into her life would cause her resentment and anger.  I was one of the lucky ones I guess, after several months of no contact we were able to resume as friends, but that can only work when both people respect each other and accept the other's decisions, neither secretly hoping for something different which could support an agenda of manipulation.  All these years later he took in his XW so she wouldn't be homeless and I've accepted that they will always be family, even if not a couple.  When you've had a long period of no contact it can help you heal and gain clarity.  I have been able to see that it is all for the best, something I couldn't see while I was in the relationship.  

There are hundreds of such breakups due to grief in this section, I've only seen one of them make it through intact.  Most of the time it is the griever breaking up, but not always.  

[jordan3351]

Thank you for the reply and sharing your story.  You are correct, forcing my way back into her life will not work.  I am giving her the space and no contact.  If she reaches out, great...if not I will have to keep moving on.  It's just hard to understand what happened when everything was going so well, and especially after she was so supportive and loving during my mom's hospice and passing.  Maybe all the stress and everything that happened at one was too much for her to handle.  I guess I will never know.   Take care and thanks again. 

[kayc]

If you read the threads in this section it will help you see a pattern that there are a certain number of people who do deal with things this way.  It's nothing about you or how you handled things, you can respond perfectly and still this is their response.  I'm sorry.  I just keep in mind that I want a partner who is there through thick and thin, not one that gets gone when things are tough.  And they are not that one.