Reflections After Eight Years

[enna]

May 25^, 2012 ~ 8 years Ago ~ I lost my spouse, the love of my life, after forty years of marriage.

   enna 

 

 

 

[widow'15]

enna:  What beautiful thoughts and words.  All so meaningful and touched my  heart.  Thank you for sharing these feelings.  Dee

[kayc]

Beautifully written, true words.  I will be thinking of you as the 25th approaches.  Sending you much love!

[joe57]

I have this emptiness I feel, slightly above my belly button and off-center to the left. I'm thinking this will always be with me, and it will be a reminder of my precious queen whom I am learning to love differently and without in this physical world. Thank you for the picture with the message. Peace.

[HG88]

On 2/26/2021 at 11:05 AM, joe57 said:

I have this emptiness I feel, slightly above my belly button and off-center to the left. I'm thinking this will always be with me, and it will be a reminder of my precious queen whom I am learning to love differently and without in this physical world. Thank you for the picture with the message. Peace.

that's what is callee the heart chakra in spiritual traditions. who knows what it really is in a scientific sense but there's something to that. you might find it "helps" to focus your inner feeling there relaxedly and think positive loving thoughts about your wife, maybe try to imagine you are still connected via your heart center.

 

I don't know what your beliefe are but I almost feel like it is obligatory for us now to believe our loved ones still exist beyond their body. For the simple reason, imagine if you died instead and remained entirely yourself just without a body, and were still aware of your loved ones in some way? zhow would it feel if they were just done with you now you died? So based on that, I am believing and thinking of them and talking to them and trying to feel connected by my heart. Like, i know they are somewhere, not here, but I just can't accept they are gone like a candle flame gone out. I find i'm just too sensitive to ever accept the modern scientific atheist sort of worldview that we just die, were nothing but brains which die and the 'person' ceases to exist. I find that if that is the truth, then life is just like a sick joke and I reject it on principle, because all this, for nothing? the great struggle of existence, survival, passing on genes, family, all just to end in death? maybe it is true though, and the reason we suffer the loss of loved ones so much is because we know they were here and are now gone for good? so it hurts, because we want to believe life has eternal meaningfulness, that in the end everything is made right and all the bad things gone. I don't know. I personally don't want to live anymore, i jut don't, ive had problems with depression my whole life, even before losing anyone, which seems crazy to me now. But now after the losses, i just don't see why i am continuing, it feels cowardly to continue too like god, i dont even have the guts to do what i know is right and die now. cowardly clinging onto a life i hate and cant stand, tor what? i just have a feeing of being totqlly done, nothing left in life, no future, nothing on the horizon, its like im all burnt out, exhausted by it, i think due to my sensitivity to it all, my life experience has felt so long, im 32 but pretty sure ive got the mind of an 82 year old. sometimes i think id do better if inwasnt so lonely all the time, but its hard keepin your chin up when it feels like no one likes or cares about you at all, or even activrly dislikes you, maybe hates you, etc and the only people who loved you have died. I feel an emptinese too, ive felt it persistently for many years now. its like something in me is jut broken and beyond repair. maybe only death will fix it. i regret how i have lived so selfishly, there were so many times i coupd have spent it with my deceased loved ones and had wonderful memories now. instead i was egregiously selfish, by default. its just so painful realizing it fully now and realizing i lost my most precious Althea (my cat friend) to it. Well, realistically and rationally i know she was getting old,hadna health problem. and succumbed to it and died. but still, i cant shake the feelign that somehow i caused it, or being too involved in my own stupid selfish human life made her body think well time to die so she developed whatever it was that she died from. her heart was perfectly fine, after respiratory arrest it felt like ages before her heart stopped. she had years left in terms of heart health, i still dont even know and never will with certainty what exactly was wrong. probably kidney disease or somehing with her dogestive systme since she stopped eating a week prior. i just miss her so much, i keep think8ng about her hours before dying layign against the wall and then it hits me that she was old, ahe had sufh treat health i hoenstly never thought of her as old, she had literally perfect fitness, no stiffness running or jumping around, and this cat did jumping daily because she jumped onto a tree stump then to my window sill then to the ac window unit to wait to come in and then back down again going out. she did it daily, no probkems, and then inmmy room she liked to jump from bed to chair to chair, big hoppy leaps for each one, still had no problems she was like a monkey the ease she had with it all. so suddenly realizing not only is she old but about to die, or now realizing she died. its hard. i just want to hug and kiss her and melt into eternity together or soemthing and never be separated again. i feel a sense of exclusive love for her, wo i dont really want to just find a new cat friend, i already have them, but my bond with althea was so special and exclusive, it was unlike all others, and she was considerably more intelligent than other cats, i dont know how much that was my influence or just her nature but with althea i always felt like i was interacting with a complete person, you know how some animals you definitely see their persoality and quirks and what not but they still have a lot of wild animal in them, well althe jut had what idndescribe as a very self assured personhood, like she knew herself, she had self awareness, she was more than just her cat instincts, she had deep understanding of life and i could see how she would think, reflect on things in life. i feel a sense of devotion to her like it would be wrong to ever love and become that attached to anyone again, like it would hurt her wherever she is. i think about her every few seconds even when totally sidetracked with other work im supposed to be focusing on. its almost like every perceptual experience is tinged with sadness now, looking at the setting sun through the trees, all i see is sadness and loss in it, like an empty screen saver illusion of life playingbin front of me, as im somewhere else, distant and disconnected from life by the grief. my performance with my work career type things is suffering badly too, never been less interested or less inspired with it at all. it all just seems so stupid and pointless compared to the immensity of that love, how important it felt as she was dying.