My kitten jumped

[CaseyA]

My boyfriend and I have a beautiful ragdoll cat I call Bunny. We played with him as much as we could, but we both work and wanted to get him a little companion for the day time. 
4 months ago, I came home with a tinny little fluffy ragdoll. His personally was unlike any pet I’d ever had. He was the most loving, innocent, playful and fearless little guy. I ended up getting so attached to him that I called him my baby. The cats got a long well and played together a lot. Because we were all isolated together, all I did was play, pet and enjoy their company. The little guy (who I called mouse) would wake me up with Purrs every morning and often cuddle at my side. I showered them with love and toys. The little one was so attached to me, he really had a special place in my heart. I took him to the vet because he had ring worm, and while there, the vet said it wasn’t a good idea to let him out on the balcony. I was redoing my balcony and spent all my time out there. Both of the cats were desperate to get out. I felt so bad to hear them cry. I knew if I watched them, they would be okay. So for months we all played out on the balcony. I watched them and everyone seemed safe. It was my biggest nightmare to think one of them would jump - and I imagined it sometimes which would often bring me horror. But while they explored, and got up on the table, they never tried to jump. They only wanted to play or sit in the sun. 
Then 4 days ago, I looked down for one minute. I heard a noise. My little mouse had lept onto the table and jumped. I ran to the edge. I watched him fall all 40 flights down. I’ve never screamed like that. I’ve never felt like that. I don’t know what he saw, or what he was thinking when he fell. I don’t know how scared he was or if he was wondering where I was. He broke his neck right away at the bottom of the fall. 
I don’t know or can’t say how much he suffered but it haunts me. I loved him like a little child. 
Someone from another building had called the police after hearing my screams and they came up to my unit wanting to call emergency because of my grief. I was holding his little body. He truly was the most beautiful cat, inside and out. He was 5 months old, and I remember thinking earlier that day, I couldn’t wait to see what he would look like when he was older. 
I am sorry for the long post. It’s been 5 days and I can’t really eat. I was prescribed pills to sleep and for the panic attacks. But every day I watch him fall, over and over in my head. I truly cannot come to terms with it. I blame myself of course. I knew not to let them out - I didn’t think it would actually happen. But I know it’s my fault. I am just so devastated I wasn’t careful enough with something I loved so so much. I used to love my balcony and now I see it as a horror scene. I miss my baby and I just want him back. 

[MartyT]

Hi Casey ~ Please forgive my not having noticed your post until just now. On this site we try hard to make sure that each and every post receives a response as soon as possible, but sometimes a post just seems to get lost somehow. Anyway, I'm so sorry to learn of the tragic accident that took the life of your precious little ragdoll kitty. Clearly this was an accident, and I'm sure you would do anything to change what happened. Now you are left with nothing but feelings of guilt and anxiety. 

You say you now see the balcony you once loved as a horror scene. You may find yourself continually playing in your head the whole scenario of your little Mouse's plunge to his death, perhaps wishing you could change the tragic ending of the story. I think this may be your mind's way of telling you what your heart doesn't want to accept, as each time it happens it becomes more real for you. Besides, this was a traumatic accident, and flashing back to the scene is normal too, even though it's so painful to endure. If this persists, you might try listening to some guided imagery as a way to re-program and change those awful images in your mind. See, for example, Guided Imagery for Post-Traumatic Stress and A Meditation to Ease Grief. (I often recommend Belleruth Naparstek's wonderful CD's as an effective, safe, and relatively inexpensive at-home tool for healing.)

If you find that guided imagery is not enough, you might consider a few sessions with a qualified grief counselor. Look for someone who understands and respects the human-animal bond, and is familiar with trauma-informed therapy ~ that is, someone who can specifically help you to take in and master the horrific imagery of your kitty's traumatic death, so that your warm, happy and loving memories of your little Mouse can come through.

In any event, please know that we see you, we hear you, we are thinking of you, and we are wishing for comfort, peace and healing for your broken heart. ❤️

[kayc]

@CaseyA  I too apologize that your post just now showed up for some reason, lost in a glitch, but we're here now and want to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss.  No one could anticipate this would happen, my daughter lives on a 4th story apt and her cats go in/out on the balcony all the time, I don't know what it was thinking but I doubt he had much time to think on the way down.  I hope your anxiety is gettting better, I suffer from that as well and understand.  (((hugs)))