The nights are brutal

[Coco Forever]

Is it just me or do other grieving pet owners dread nights as well as coming home expecting a wagging dog at the door only to find a soulless empty silent house?I honestly do not know how long I can go on for constantly crying everyday and dreading to even enter my own house.As the title says the nights are brutal as I’m sleeping little which is not good for me having a driving job where I think of nothing else when on the open road.The most important thing in my life has been taken and I cannot see how I can go on without him for the remaining years of my life and regarding seeing a therapist I’m not sure what good that would do as they would probably only say what others have told me and that it will get easier in time.The demons  in my head keep telling me there is an easy way out but at the moment I’m fighting them off and I’m praying I don’t give in to them  but I can sense my mind and body are becoming weaker by the day.

love to all xx

[kayc]

I think it's common for people who are in early deep grief to feel these thoughts, but important to give yourself time to adjust, it can take a long while, so just do one day at a time, don't think about the whole "rest of your life," it's too much to bite off at once.  People handle this differently.  I walked a neighbor's elderly deaf and going blind dog, gave me some purpose, still walking him nine months later.  He's not Arlie, nothing/no one could ever replace Arlie.  I look forward to being with him again, meanwhile, doing my best to fill my days.  My son brought me a puppy before Christmas, probably saved my life, I have to come through for him, he depends on me.  I know this is one of the hardest losses one can have.  Only thing similar to me was losing my husband, I've had so many different losses, but those two were the hardest by far as they affected my everyday life very much and loved them both tremendously.  I didn't see how I could live a week without my husband, but I'm here 15 years later.  I still miss him but have adjusted as much as one can.  Would give anything to have both of them back, but barring that, I look forward to heaven/eternity with them!

Please hang in there.  Have you thought about volunteering at an animal shelter?  Can't know how it'd affect you unless you try it, I would have had it not been a two hour drive away.

[Coco Forever]

Kayc thank you once again for your wise words.Yes I have thought about an animal shelter but back here in the UK they are all closed to the public due to this darned virus and to be honest the loss of my boy is still very raw as you can prob tell from my posts which will be even harder for me next month as it would have been his 10th birthday.2020 def a year I want erasing from my mind forever.

love Runningman

[kayc]

I understand.  We are starting to open up here a little bit, I haven't been able to go to church, see my friends or family for almost three months, but I did go for my granddaughter's 5th birthday a week ago on the condition my son and his wife not be around anyone for two weeks prior (I'm in that sensitive group).  I don't know about animal shelters here yet but doctors, vets, dentists are all taking strict precautions, only one person inside at a time, wear masks, etc.  It seems everyone wears one but our president!  LOL

I know this is a very hard time for you, I can only encourage you to hang in there.  I promise you the pain will gradually lessen in intensity.  I still love Arlie more than life itself, I had a special bond with him that I've had with no other, and that says a lot, I've loved all my pets.  He was my special one.  But I don't cry as much now so I know my body is doing it's job and we have inborn resilience we had no idea of.  It does take time and the hardest part is toughing it out THROUGH the "time."  

 

[Dogmom]

Yes, the nights are hard, but for me the days are worse. Everything in the house is a reminder of little Roxie. Particularly the "empty spots" where she laid in her beds. When I take Zoe, my other baby on a walk, or when we eat, or really anything we do, we are missing one of the trio. It doesn't feel right and I still haven't adjusted after 10 weeks. Coming home not having both dogs at the door to great me and give me nose kisses is excruciating (Roxie was the nose kisser). I'm actually considering moving to a new house because this one is so hard to live in right now. On top of everything else, I retired 2 weeks ago, and live alone (except for Zoe), so the emptiness and loneliness is profound right now. Where I live the virus numbers are rising since the stay at home order expired, so I limit leaving the house. 

You said you had a driving job. Did you take Coco on your trips? I just ordered a personalized pet memorial necklace "urn" so that I can put some of Roxie's ashes in it to wear all the time. That way she is always with me. Currently I have a chihuahua pendant on a neck chain and when I find my emotions overwhelming me, I'll rub it between my fingers. I also find that when I am in the car I end up sobbing...Maybe having something like this while you are on road trips? They make them for keychains too. 

As for the nights, I keep Roxie's blanket, the last one she was in..., on my bed under the pillow on the "other side" of my bed. That way I can feel it as I try to fall asleep. I think it helps a little. But maybe you could speak with a health care professional about your trouble sleeping, and also your general feelings. Do you have Telemedicine visits in the UK? It's ok to reach out for help...

You are not alone, hang in there. As my daughter wisely reminded me, "of course you will never forget, but that pain will turn into happy memories, like we have of Ruby..." Ruby was the golden retriever my children grew up with. She passed away 12 years ago at age 13. I loved her so much as well, but the pain of losing her has softened over the years. With Roxie, she said, "That one hurt, she was bonded to you. She chose you. It'll feel fresh for a long time."    Sometimes our children surprise us with their wisdom. Guess I did ok as a mom... LOL  

No one really knows the depth of our individual pain. But having this forum to speak from the heart, to listen, and to offer thoughts to others going through the same thing, can help. Keep coming back to share your feelings. We understand as we all know this pain...

 

 

[Coco Forever]

Thanks Dogmom.No he never came work as I’d walk him for 1 hour before I went then my parents who live a few doors away would come at dinner just to make sure he’s ok then I’d walk him again when I’d got in so he was probably a very over walked dog you could say.So much so I feel a touch of guilt that I didn’t spot his heart disease until it was too late as he’d just stop and lie down in his last 2yrs on our walks not to mention letting him lick my dinner plate and hands not realising that these would have had salt on them so do I feel responsible for his early passing?You bet I do especially as he suffered horribly in his last months.I’ve told him and continue to do so I’m so sorry if he suffered because of my selfishness of not wanting to be left alone which I now am and it’s unbearable.Yes I’ve bought quite a few mementos of him but I still cannot have them on display as the pain is still too raw.

Love CocoForever

[kayc]

Dogmom, what a beautiful, appropriate response!  It's evident you've been there.  

Coco's Mom, I thought of these articles as I read your post...
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/10/pet-loss-when-nothing-eases-pain.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/09/pet-loss-why-does-it-hurt-so-much.html

[Thomasov]

On 6/12/2020 at 11:16 AM, Dogmom said:

I just ordered a personalized pet memorial necklace "urn" so that I can put some of Roxie's ashes in it to wear all the time. That way she is always with me. Currently I have a chihuahua pendant on a neck chain and when I find my emotions overwhelming me, I'll rub it between my fingers. I also find that when I am in the car I end up sobbing...Maybe having something like this while you are on road trips? They make them for keychains too. 

I had a memorial diamond made from my Karen back in 2018 ( https://www.heart-in-diamond.com/ ). I feel it helps me to have her ashes closes to me. Family members have made me feel bad for spending that amount of money on a diamond. My counselor said that having Karen's ashes closes to me may make grieving harder, but supported me if i feel it helps me. I do feel it helps me, it remind me of how beautiful she was.

I've heard of people that made memorial keepsakes from blankets, hair and all sorts of things. Does anyone else have experience with that?

[Coco Forever]

Well it’s been 70 days since my boy closed his eyes and left this world for the last time but the pain and sadness I feel every day is just as raw as it was on that horrible day and I’ve cried every single one of them 70 days and sometimes more than once a day.I’m now taking his urn to bed with me as well as talking to him as I cannot bear to leave him downstairs alone and I’m sure this to a non pet owner would sound as though I’m losing it.I also think the constant daily grief has played havoc with the chemicals in my brain as I feel as though I’ve fallen into a depression with no motivation to do anything anymore.Even getting up for work is a task in itself and waking up is becoming my nightmare as at least when I’m asleep I can have a bit of peace from my grief.I cannot get the image of my boy twitching his lips as he was being put to sleep then leaving him on the floor like a piece of trash and I’m not even sure he heard my last words to him as his eyes were already closed due to the relaxing drug they gave him so as much as I want to focus on our happy memories it’s these last ones I’m finding it hard to erase from my mind.Oh my beloved Coco if only you knew how empty my life is now without you😢

[Dogmom]

What a beautiful picture of Coco looking up at you! There is such love in this picture! Thank you for sharing.

I am glad that you are at least sleeping at night as I remember that this has been an issue for you. But yes, the day time is the hardest part of each day. Everything is a reminder, and once the "bad images" get triggered, we spiral downward with feelings of regret and guilt, and we replay those last moments over and over again. It becomes hard to remember all the good things when they are crowded out by the last bad moments, and the extreme sadness we continue to feel. I had a neighbor who is a Counselor tell me yesterday that being able to cry is a good thing, vs. holding it all inside. Well, I must be "really good" because I also continue to cry many times a day, every day. I feel like she took a part of me with her and I'll never be whole again. Her absence is excrutiating and she is always on my mind. I feel like I betrayed her trust and let her down by taking her from our world. I would give anything to be able to have a "do-over" of that day! It is unbearable and depressing, and I agree with you, life feels empty...

I keep her blanket under my pillow at night, so I get it about the urn... If it gives you comfort, then it's okay. Thankfully I live alone, so have no one to judge my reaction to losing Roxie. Friends and family don't really get it, so I don't even try to explain it anymore.

I think that we are special in how we love our dogs, more compassionate, kinder, loving, and caring than others that don't have such a close relationship with their pets. It is both our strength and our weakness... We've been privileged to have someone love us so deeply and to be able to love back. I think that Coco will always be that very special "boy" in your life and that it will take a long while for you to find some peace. But the love will never go away. I am hoping that our lifetime of good memories will eventually crowd out the bad memories of the last day/s. I feel your pain and wish that I could help lessen it. I am so sorry that you have to live without Coco being by your side. It is obvious how much you loved him. ❤️

[Coco Forever]

Thanks Dogmom for your kind and compassionate words.Just this morning I woke up for work not wanting to live anymore and I’m praying that this feeling goes away as it’s like a dark shadow constantly hanging over me with a never ending battle with my demons that keep telling me there’s an easy way out of this misery as my grief is getting no less bearable.Oh to turn back the clock and hold him again🌈😘

Coco Forever

[MartyT]

4 hours ago, Coco Forever said:

my grief is getting no less bearable.

Might you consider a session or two with a qualified grief counselor, or participating in an in-person support group? 

[Dogmom]

Is there someone close to you that you can turn to to share your thoughts? Perhaps you will consider getting some grief counseling and/or seeing your Primary Care Provider to discuss your feelings. These are qualified experts that can help you with how you are feeling. 

[kayc]

@Coco Forever  I felt much as you do after my loss of Arlie.  He was my constant companion and best friend, the best dog I ever had, we were a perfect match, I called him my soulmate in a dog.  I will always love him and I continually miss him.  I would go to his grave and bawl.  I still hold his coat, 7/16 it is eleven months he's been gone.  Healing comes slowly.  My dog's collar and leash hang by the door, where they will remain.  I had to clean the blankets out of his doghouse because they had the cancer smell, it like to have killed me.  He holds my heart, always.  I have a memorial section of my bedroom where I have a lock of his fur, a compilation of stories of his life, his paw print, a bracelet made in his memory, etc. He will always be my little boy.

Before Christmas my son brought me a puppy.  I had pretty much reconciled myself with not having another dog, but I'm very thankful for little Kodie.  He is not Arlie.  He doesn't do his Husky talk, have his amazing communication, Arlie was the smartest dog I ever met, he even made up games to play!  He doesn't have Arlie's goofiness, his spirit was so fun!  Arlie had a sense of humor, if I accidentally called him Kitty (who has also since passed) he would grin, laughing at me!  Kodie does not replace Arlie, he is his own self and his sweetness has wormed his way into my heart...a tall order coming after his big brother!  I am so thankful I have him during this pandemic.  I like to think Arlie had his paw in this...Kodie was conceived around the time Arlie passed, he was born on my birthday.  I think Arlie did not want his mom to be alone.  I will be with Arlie again.  And I look forward to do that.  

I do hope you will take Marty's suggestion to get grief counseling, there are some who specialize in pet loss.  (I know, to you and I they are not pets, they are our family, but for lack of way to put it, that's what they call it.)

Finally, I want to share this article with you that I wrote about ten years after my husband died.  It is of the things I've found helpful.  I also realize that this pandemic compounds our grief, and makes things all the harder.  I hope you will find something useful in it though.  And I commend you for expressing yourself here, for your honesty.  You are not over the edge.  You have one who has felt the same things...me.  I also want to encourage you to consider writing memories of your dog as it can be very cathartic, such as I did here:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF i

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Coco Forever]

Thank you all for your compassion and kind words as they are very much appreciated and Kayc your attached article I will read tonight when I’m in bed so thank you.Yes I rang the Samaritans about a month ago and must say was very impressed in how they listened to me and their response and they even said to ring them again when I’m feeling low.As for friends I’m a loner as most of them I’ve lost touch with and they have families and their own problems likewise my siblings so I’m going have try deal with this on my own.It’s a battle I’m either going to win or lose.No inbetween

Sending you all hugs xx

[kayc]

Don't be afraid to reach out to them again if needed.   I'm glad you did call them.  So hard to go through this alone I did too.

[Dogmom]

Like Kayc, I am glad that you reached out for help and hope that you will keep their number close. I too am alone in my grief (I live alone) but am fortunate that I have my other dog Zoe as she demands my attention and love, and this provides distraction from endless ruminating. Experiencing grief and the ensuing depression is bad enough and then to add in the isolation due to the pandemic makes it SO much worse. Try to find some distractions, anything that will keep you busy. A house project maybe?  I reorganized a few closets, did some outside hardware, started back up on my treadmill, etc.

Tomorrow it will be 14 weeks since I lost my Roxie, my best friend, who was always there for me for 15 years, who knew me best. It's the hardest thing I've had to go through in life... Tougher than my divorce, or the loss of my Dad just 3 weeks prior to Roxie's passing. With my Dad, dementia and then a broken hip from a fall drove him downhill, and then he had sudden respiratory distress which I strongly suspect was Covid (he was in a long term care facility where many others died from Covid). We had some time to process his decline, although the end occurred rapidly. I have felt guilty that I am mourning Roxie "more than" my Dad. But then I read a short book, "The Pet Loss Companion" by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio & Nancy Saxton-Lopez (available on Amazon), and there is a chapter titled, Losing Your Pet Can Hurt More Than Losing Your Parent, which helped me to understand my reaction. I have found this little book to be on target. The chapters are short, which helps when it is hard to concentrate. You said you have to deal with this alone, but you don't. Even though we are all far apart, we really are together in this sisterhood/brotherhood of having lost a beloved "best friend." I am glad that I found this discussion group. It is helping...

[Coco Forever]

Thank you Dogmom and condolences on the loss of your father and Roxie.This darned covid has made this year for me personally a year that I never want to look back on again and yes I totally agree about having more feelings/emotions  for my dog than for deceased members of my own family as no loss friends included has come anywhere close to the grief of losing my boy.I have purchased a few books on pet grief and one especially called  Only Gone From Your Sight I am currently reading although I have bought all four of Kate McGahan’s books.I honestly don’t think I’ll be ever ready for another dog as these last ten weeks have been the worst of my life so for the time being I’m down to feeding the numerous birds that come in my garden waiting for their breakfast.Just like my boy did.

Coco Forever xx

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Dogmom said:

Tougher than my divorce, or the loss of my Dad

Absolutely!  It was the hardest thing next to losing my husband.  Arlie was by far my hardest dog or cat loss, I've been through so much in my life but this trumps it all.  When you live alone with them you are incredibly close.
 

 

17 hours ago, Coco Forever said:

I honestly don’t think I’ll be ever ready for another dog as these last ten weeks have been the worst of my life

I understand, I remember feeling that, had my son not brought me this pup, IDK, but I'm honestly glad he did, I think he'll be my last.  I'm 68 and Kodie's expected life span could take me to 83. https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/10/pet-loss-how-long-before-adopting.html

[MartyT]

"It is fruitless to compare the magnitude of one person’s loss with that of another, regardless of what has been lost.

"Is it harder to lose a spouse than a parent?  Would losing a child be worse than losing a spouse?  Would a sudden, unexpected death be harder to accept than a long, slow, painful one?  And which is worse: loss of a leg, or loss of an arm?  Would you rather lose your eyesight or your hearing?  These losses are neither better nor worse, harder or easier, one from another – rather, they are each different from one another. There is not a person among us who can answer any of these questions honestly unless and until that particular loss has happened to us, and even then, it would be different for each one of us, depending on our own individual circumstances and the meaning we attach to what we have lost. The simple fact of the matter is that the worst loss is the loss that a person is experiencing now. Grief is the normal, human reaction to loss, and the greater the attachment to that which is lost, the stronger the grief one experiences in the wake of that loss. It is the price we pay for love."     ~ Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of a Loved One?

[kayc]

2 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Is it harder to lose a spouse than a parent?

For me it was.  For some people, no.  But Marty is 100% correct, I've learned not to compare, I can only state what was true for me in my situation.  Many factors come into play...how deep the relationship, how interactive they were in your everyday life.  That is why losing a pet can be one of the hardest, because they ARE living with you, in your home, you interact with them constantly, and they are so loving, so forgiving, so accepting of us as we are!  

I've heard it said, time and again and it rings true: The hardest loss in the world is your own.

[Dogmom]

Hard day today... every Thursday at noon I go back to those moments of "the appointment" when Roxie was no longer with me. I can't help but to mark the day/time in my mind. It's 14 weeks today but the images of the day are burned into my mind. I know I am not alone in this. Kayc - you mention the time that has passed since losing Arli in your responses, and Coco Forever is also doing the same. Being stuck at home without having the ability to find distracting activities to do because of the pandemic is making the grieving process so much worse. I ordered 3 of the books that Coco Forever mentioned, and I am still journaling by writing my thoughts and feelings to Roxie. I am taking it one day at a time... Thank you everyone for responding to my last post. 

 

[kayc]

You are so welcome!  And I'm glad he recommended those books.  I recorded a dog movie and STILL can't bring myself to watch it, still too fresh, but I will...someday...maybe.  My sisters both bought me the book "The Art of Racing in the Rain"...excellent book written in a dog's narrative...I haven't been able to read the last chapter, I know the dog will be dying...may never finish it.

[Coco Forever]

Dogmom I know where your coming from regarding hard days so you have my sympathies as I have more bad than good ones but your probably right I need find things do to distract my mind when I’ve finished work and especially weekends when we used to walk for miles as they are the worst times for me since he passed.Am absolutely dreading the onset of winter and them depressing dark mornings and early evenings but I’m praying that I’m a little better by then.We used to go on a weeks holiday in August but no way can I do that again for a very long time.Opening that door to find no jumping up and down and a wagging tail like a helicopter for me is one of the worst feeling’s I’ve ever experienced and it’s something I’ve still not got used to not to mention hearing his paws on the wooden floor.Just last night I buried my head in his big bag of toys crying my eyes out as his smell is still on them.I could probably accept his passing a bit easier if he hadn’t suffered in his last months but he had a horrible ending and he didn’t deserve that as he was the most loving friendliest of dogs but I would say that wouldn’t i but maybe keeping this anger in is not helping my recovery.You all know where I’m coming from and your advice and kind words are much appreciated.

Coco Forever (Frankie)

[kayc]

Frankie, I hear ya.  It took so long for me to get used to it to the point where I no longer expected him to be here when I came home.  I still miss his squeals at the gate, no one could squeal as exuberantly as Arlie!  He'd jump up on the gate and squeal so loudly when he saw my car drive in!  I miss everything about him.  You're not alone.

You mention keeping the anger in...can you think of a way to release it?  A million years ago when I was in an abusive marriage, I used to go out to the garage and punch a bag we had hanging up out there, it helped, it released a lot of pent up emotion.