The nights are brutal

[kayc]

I still have all of the cards out I received from people when Arlie died, it'll be one year Aug. 16th.  I can't imagine putting them away, they're on my dining room table.  I still have his coat hanging on my chair, his leash and collar hanging by the door.  Mementos in my bedroom.  He is still very much a part of me, I can't imagine putting them away...whatever brings us comfort.  When my husband died, I can't count the time I took his pictures down, put them up...up, down, whatever brought me comfort, finally they were up to stay.  It is our journey.  Hopefully it gets less raw with time...I've never been hit this hard with loss of anyone before except my husband, he was my soulmate in a dog, perfect for me, in every way.
I wish for your excruciating pain to abate into something more tolerable that you can carry.

[Archie11]

You are all very supportive, now I have lost my little dog Archie I understand how devastating it feels. It’s bedtime here but I will not sleep. He used to climb the stairs to sleep near us once we were all safely in bed. Now, just silence. I still can’t believe he is gone, I am his mum and I should of known how ill he was, should of questioned the vets more, should of gone back sooner. I can’t sleep, you are right the nights really are brutal. I just can’t function properly, he was my daily routine. My heart is broken, constant chest pain, does it ever get better? Just can’t move on without him

 

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Archie11 said:

You are all very supportive, now I have lost my little dog Archie I understand how devastating it feels. It’s bedtime here but I will not sleep. He used to climb the stairs to sleep near us once we were all safely in bed. Now, just silence. I still can’t believe he is gone, I am his mum and I should of known how ill he was, should of questioned the vets more, should of gone back sooner. I can’t sleep, you are right the nights really are brutal. I just can’t function properly, he was my daily routine. My heart is broken, constant chest pain, does it ever get better? Just can’t move on without him

 

I am so sorry.  The early time is the hardest, but in 9 days it will be one year for me since I lost my Arlie.  I love and miss him each and every day, no longer with tears but always this ache inside my heart, he joins my husband (I lost him 15 years ago).  I've learned to coexist with my grief.

All of the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" is common in early grief.  My Arlie had inoperable cancer, his liver shut down, he'd had a physical just two weeks before they diagnosed him, why didn't they catch it then?  I feel he didn't get proper veterinary care, VCA.  Why no routine blood testing, he was 11 1/2, should at ten years!  

We love them more than the world, try not to berate yourself, it does no good and your Archie remembers only the love and good care/home you gave him.  I hope this short video brings you some peace and comfort.

 

[Archie11]

Thank you so much, I guess it is just taking it day by day but the house is so very quiet and empty without Archie. The vet saw him twice and just gave pain relief, made no attempt to investigate further, emergency vet just told me it was neck pain. He passed at home a few days later , my children were there and can’t understand why it happened so quick. Your Arlie sounded like a lovely dog, reading on here gives comfort that I am not alone in how I am feeling right now, it’s difficult to talk to my family

[Jayjay]

I’m so sorry you lost up your beloved  Coco.It is so hard lose a loving companion who shared life with you.I just lost my 17 yr old pug I put to sleep who had many health issues and sorry for your loss of Archie also it’s so hard.I can tell Coco was loved so much as well as Archie.You can only look back at the great memories you shared and the great life you gave them.The sadness and loneliness can be so difficult but that is the choice we made when we gave our love and received that unconditional love that is the best thing you can have.I will never give up that happeiness we had throughout our life even though I know the pain from not having them with us can be so unbearable.You loved and were loved and should be so blessed for that. The pain now hopefully will fade slowly and they will be in our hearts forever.I hope and pray everything will be a little better emotionally take care of yourself our loving companions were with us to make us happy and wouldn’t want us sad because they left us.take care of yourself

[Archie11]

Thanks, you must have lots of lovely memories of all those years, I hope in time I can focus more on all the good times. It’s 5am here in London and another sleepless night in a silent house. Miss Archie so much, so nice to be able to look on here and know there are other people that get how I am feeling. It’s difficult at home when I have my family to support and look after, didn’t realise how much Archie supported me! I did talk (and sing to him a lot!), he was so much a part of my daily routine, I still do our daily walkIng route holding his collar and see our fellow regular walkers. Still check the top of the stairs before bed where he used to settle for the night. Still have my tea in the morning in his favourite spot overlooking the garden. He was my perfect loving companion! They give us such lovely times, so blessed to of had him come into my life all those years ago, would love to live it all again. Always in our hearts, always with us

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Archie11 said:

He was my perfect loving companion!

So was my Arlie.  I wrote stories of his life here, I found it cathartic to do so, plus I didn't want any of them forgotten.

https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/14933-memories-of-arlie/&tab=comments#comment-186699
Our journey through cancer, here:

In six days it'll be a year.  I still love and miss him each and every day, esp. his smile.  His smile is what got my attention when I adopted him.  I knew it was meant to be.

[Archie11]

Glad you have happy memories of Arlie. I am hoping for the same with Archie, instead of the week leading up to his passing. I requested his medical records from the vet, her notes are totally different to our conversations my adult daughter and I had with her! Because of lockdown we weren’t allowed in the vets while Archie was in there, she didn’t even give him a full examination according to her notes! Even though we told her we thought it was a stroke or seizure, also no blood test offered although she put differently in her notes. I have now emailed the owners, in the hope they can save someone else’s poor dog from seeing this incompetent vet. It adds to my heartbreak but lessens my guilt that I did something wrong. So wish I had gone elsewhere for a 2nd opinion though. Miss my Archie boy so much every day and night, hope to have all the good happy memories of the last 9 years come back to me soon. Have framed this photo of him as a puppy, my baby, so sorry I didn’t stand up for him against the ‘experts’

[MartyT]

Your Archie is just adorable, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing such a darling photo of him. Wishing for comfort to your broken heart ❤️

[kayc]

@Archie11  Your Archie is adorable!  I can imagine the horrible loss you feel, I am so sorry you didn't get to be with him at the end, these are the hardest of times.  I hope the owners respond to you.  I don't know how a vet could live with themselves having lied about everything.  Little by little the memories with our loved ones bring comfort and happy memories, but in the beginning it's just pain.  It'll be one year on Sunday since I lost my Arlie, I still live with the heartache of missing him each and every day but seldom cry anymore...I think the tears took a different form, something like a grief/weight inside of me.  But each memory of his life is precious and I was blessed to have him in my life for 10 1/2 years, I'm glad I loved and appreciated him, he was special and I can tell you feel the same about your Archie.  (((hugs)))

[Archie11]

Thank you. After his last appointment at the vet where they didn’t seem too concerned about him, he was actually at home with us all when he passed suddenly  a few days later, being an anxious dog I hope it was better for him although I think he was hiding any pain he might of been in. I do hope Sunday will be ok for you. I am so glad I found this group, it is helping so much

[kayc]

My mistake, I am glad you were with him at the end, so many are not able to be.  You are right about them trying to hide their pain.  

[Coco Forever]

Oh Archie11 I feel all of your pain and your anger towards the vet must be very intense to say the least.All I can say is my heart goes out to you and pray that you find peace🙏🏻Our fellow pet lovers on here will help you through the pain as they have been a great help to me since losing my boy even though I still cry everyday and still think of him from when I go sleep to when I wake up.That grief will never go away.I’ll just have to manage it.Now I’m not a cat person and never have been but one of the local cats has suddenly started to appear at my house where it suddenly made itself at home as you can see.Hell it even likes to roll about on the carpet just like Coco did but probably not helping that I’ve started to feed it but the question I’d like to ask is can a cat sense grief in a person as this seems all very strange that soon as I lose Coco a cat suddenly appears and it even likes to go sleep next to me.Can that really sense my loss and pain?

[MartyT]

You might find this article about Oscar the cat to be of interest: Meet Oscar, the Cat that Predicts Death and Provides Comfort  ❤️

[Coco Forever]

Yes Marty I saw a programme about that cat many years ago.I hope this one hasn’t come to predict my passing😊I don’t let it sleep here as I’m still unsure who’s cat it is and they might be looking for it but this I doubt as it doesn’t seem as though it’s being fed as it didn’t half gobble up the plate of Whiskas I put down for it but there’s a feeling in me that I’m now betraying my boys memory so my mind is being pulled one way then the other as what to do about it.Keep my doors open for it or just ignore it which would make me a very heartless person which I am not.Thoughts.

[MartyT]

My friend, one of the many things I love about animal companions is that their love is totally without conditions. They do not judge us, and they do not carry grudges. They are far quicker to forgive than any human I've ever met! So! If you believe that your Coco would be judging you for looking after this cat's well-being, why would you assume that the judgment is negative? If you believe that Coco can judge your behavior toward this cat as an act of disloyalty, isn't it just as logical to assume that Coco would judge your kindness toward this cat as positive? It seems to me that it all depends on how you frame it in your own mind. You can feel guilty for giving your attention to this animal and see it as an act of disloyalty to Coco, or you can see it as a way for you to honor Coco's memory, by giving of yourself to another animal in need of your attention and kindness. Those are my thoughts ❤️ 

[Coco Forever]

Very wise words MartyT.Thank you.

[MartyT]

❤️

[kayc]

Yes animals can be very intuitive towards sensing how we feel!  I hadn't seen that article before, Marty, have saved it.

I think ALL of us feel "guilty" after our animal passes for loving another, but the thing to remember while working through that is we cannot compare them, they are very unique and different and each one creates their own place within us.  Arlie is my "soulmate in a dog," always will be, he is my heart and soul!  My son brought me Kodie a few months later and he patiently wormed his way into my heart, he does not have Arlie's wonderful sense of humor and goofiness, he (so far) doesn't make up games to play and it remains to be seen how smart he is (still a puppy) but he is VERY sweet and loving and quite adorable.  I imagine they would get along great and love each other if only they could have lived at the same time.  Sometimes I've wondered if Arlie sent him to me, he was conceived when Arlie died and born on my birthday and the way in which everything came about seemed nothing short of a miracle.  I do not know how I would have survived this pandemic and social isolation without him here with me!

This cat that has found you may be temporary or may be permanent.  You might ask the neighbors if they've seen it or know if it has a home.  I shooed Miss Mocha away for a couple of months before realizing she had been abandoned here and did not have a home...she was sleeping in the eaves of my carport!  So I brought her in and got to have her for 10 1/2 years.  It can be dangerous out there at night...

[Archie11]

Hi, yes I think the cat has turned up to help you heal. I am more a dog person but have been looking after my sister’s lovely cats recently and found them very therapeutic. 

Nearly bedtime here, can’t bear the nighttime, another day added to not seeing Archie, looking at my daughter’s sad face going to bed without him , she says she can’t remember her life before he was here. Wish I could go back 5 weeks today, 1st night he was ill, just tried a different vet to get another opinion. Got to stop thinking of ‘what if’

[kayc]

That is so beautiful, I've saved it, I needed that, thank you.  This is hard.

[Archie11]

Glad it helped, I found comfort from it, hope you get through tomorrow ok

They are always with us

 

[MartyT]

On 8/11/2020 at 10:23 AM, kayc said:

It'll be one year on Sunday since I lost my Arlie,

Today would have been my Beringer's birthday, Kay, and next Saturday (the 22nd) is the 9th anniversary of his death. I still miss him, I still think about him every day, and I still love him with all my heart. Just so you know, dear one, you are not alone in your sorrow, and I am thinking of you and your beloved Arlie ❤️

[kayc]

No amount of time lessens our love and missing them.  With time the edges soften enough for us to go on, but never, never does our love diminish!

Thinking of you this week as you face those days that call to our forefront thoughts of our beloved dogs...

[Dogmom]

Kayc, I have been thinking about you this past week and especially today. We mark the loss of our beloved time first by days, then weeks, then months, then years. But we miss them and love them no less. It is 20 weeks for me this week. I still cry every day missing my Roxie... You are in my thoughts today Kayc. I know how much you are missing your Arlie. Even though we are not there to sit by you or give you a hug, we are there with you in spirit and in understanding. We truly care and share your sorrow. 

Michele