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Grief, panic, xanax - and being marginalized by doctor


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I had a few panic attacks that became scarily debilitating when my Dad passed away. My sister gave me a half of a 5mg xanax during one of these frightening episodes, and I could feel my body calm down, and help me continue with the daunting tasks of arranging for his funeral and cleaning out his apartment. I told my hospice grief counselor this, and she said that I should ask my doctor for a few xanax, instead of taking pills from my sister. So, I asked my doctor (who has been my doctor for a few years) for a few xanax.  I told her it seems to help me to just know I have something to calm me down in my purse, even if I never actually take it – but I know I HAVE it on me. And, when I truly need it, I will only take a half of a pill, as I am not one who enjoys feeling “out of it”.

My doctor’s whole energy toward me seemed to change once I asked. She told me just to want it in my purse is like an addiction. I was pretty put-off by this, and told her that my hospice counselor told me to ask for them in this situational basis. My doctor finally agreed to 2 pills, and told me that I would need to take a drug test on my follow-up visit in 6 months. Seemed extreme for 2 pills, and was she checking to see that there was none of the drug in my urine – or that it WAS in my urine? It was 2 pills for a potential panic attack.

So, when I went for my 6 month visit, I was told to fill out a mental health form and take the pee test. Ok, now I really do feel like an addict, and worse than before – adding this to my grief, panic, and upset. I still have 1 ½ pills left (as I took a half of a pill when I was passing a kidney stone earlier in the year – and panicking), and wasn't asking for any more pills.

I know people can get addicted, but if few pills are given, and the patient needs to come back for more, and is closely watched, what’s the deal? Isn’t this what a doctor is for?

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Hello, I am sorry you had to go through this experience.  I'm not sure when your dad passed away, but think we can all agree that the panic, anxiety and stress related to returning to the hospital is very understandable and natural.  I mean, a person does form associations between a traumatic event and where it happened, when it happened, etc.  It took me a long time to be able to even drive past the hospital, in my case, without wanting to cry, and if the time comes when I would have to go inside, it will be difficult.

I don't know whether you know this, but doctors have gotten into hot water over controlled substances like Xanax and other mood-altering and pain-killing substances, especially in the US, due to the opioid abuse epidemic.  Their licensure can be on the line if there are questions about writing prescriptions inappropriately.  And some doctors, due to their philosophy, have moral objections to medications like Xanax and whatever else.  Or they worry about a patient building a tolerance to the drug(s), or potentially mixing them with alcohol, etc.

Sometimes regular people who are in temporary pain (emotional, physical) seeking relief are then caught up in the craziness that goes along with controlled medication.  There's also a noticeable tendency toward judging and condemning of people in pain, as if they deserve it.  It's crazy.

You sound like a responsible person who knows what's what, and not the addictive personality she's making you out to be.

Maybe someone else here will have something to add.

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I am so sorry the doctor went to the extreme they did.  I would quite honestly tell her how it made you feel and that you felt it was way overboard.  If she doesn't want you as a patient, that's her prerogative, there's other doctors.  Unfortunately this is how the medical community responds to controlled drugs nowadays.  My doctor will not see a patient on them.  But this is a once in a while thing, not on it regularly and some people ARE on it regularly and manage fine.  Years ago I took Claritin-D for my allergies and when the D part (Sudafed/decongestant) went to a controlled substance require a Rx, the pharmacy treated me like a criminal.  Meth addicts use it to make Meth, but that didn't used to be the case, used to be able to buy it at WM for $2.  They put me through hell in front of everyone more than once so I quit Costco Pharmacy and quit using Claritin-D, just putting up with the not breathing as freely as I could before.  It's unfortunate that a few have had this consequence for us all.

Kieron's response was perfect.  Grief comes with anxiety and any doctor who knows anything about grief should know that, but unfortunately they aren't trained in grief.

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I'm so sorry, Miss Ngu ~ You're being caught up in medicine's often hysterical, over-reaction to the "opioid crisis" that now also includes benzodiazipines. (See, for example, The honest reason your doctor won't prescribe you xanax ~ and be sure to read all the way to the end of the article.) We are in an era where patients legitimately seeking relief from pain and anxiety are too often left to feel like drug-seeking criminals and addicts, and physicians are afraid to assert their own professional judgment in prescribing controlled substances. You might consider asking your doctor to prescribe something other than Xanax, as there are other anti-anxiety agents that might work just as well for you.

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I'm on Buspirone (Buspar), which is in a class all it's own, it doesn't alter your brain like SSRI's, and doesn't leave me numb or robotic, it takes the edge off, making it easier to cope, I haven't had a panic attack in the years since starting it.  I'm on it daily as it helps to keep it controlled rather than trying to deal with panic attacks when they come, it doesn't let it build to that.  I don't have any side effects and it's much safer than most anti-anxiety meds.  I have life-long GAD and intend to stay on this!  I researched it myself before suggesting it to the doctor as he'd wanted me on valium, which l think is nuts, it's very addictive and I can't drive with it (makes me wiped out & grumpy), I was commuting 100 miles/day so that just wouldn't work.  If you take that for a year it takes three years to get off of it!  Not so with Buspirone, although as with any medication, we have to work with our doctor getting off them...I don't plan to unless they discover something new about it, which is doubtful, it's been out a long time, I've been on it since 2008.

Mine is a constant condition whereas yours may be situational, so he may want you on something else, but all good to have a frank discussion about.  Arm yourself by reading up on the different classes and drugs to know ahead which ones you'd consider and which ones you wouldn't.  This is YOUR body, concerns YOU and oftentimes doctors act like dictators in that they tell us what to do but we have a right to have a say in it.  Stand up for yourself, don't let them bully you!  Let us know how it goes.  I always try to be respectful but firm too when I need to be.

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Kieron – Thank you for your response – I appreciate it. My Dear Dad passed away August, 2019 – so I’m coming up on my first Father’s Day without him on the planet. Sadly, my kidney stone event at the hospital in January, 2020, had me in the same cat scan room where I last saw my Dad alive. The attendants gave me a few moments to cry my eyes out, once I told them this. It was a good release.

It is a shame that doctors can’t actually use all of the medications at their discretion, but it is such a dirty feeling when their attitude toward you becomes suspicious and judgmental.

Kay – I’m always thankful to receive your kind and comforting words. Yes, this doctor went overboard, but I have had this happen to me before. Sometimes I think I should go to my doctor visits with my husband to have an advocate with me, but the Covid-19 virus would only let me in to the office anyway. I will be changing doctors, and finding a new practice to go to. Question is: do I even ask for this medication again? I would only want, like 2 pills, and that would probably last me a year. Like I said, I feel safer just having them in my purse, if need be. Not many doctors taking new patients, where I live. Maybe I just shouldn’t ask for anything like this, as I simply hate the way the doctor changes his/her view of me – or, if it’s not me – just the asking at all.

Marty – That you are here, offering this space on how to live with grief, is a safety net to soothe my very raw soul, and I thank you, always. Doctors I have seen are more than willing to offer me an anti-depressant, but it seems to stop there. Maybe I will ask my next doctor what he/she recommends for anxiety instead of just ask for xanax (although I know it is the drug that works for me).

My Dear Brother died of a drug overdose… and I never wanted to take drugs because of what I saw happen to him. He couldn’t get enough. I know my 2 pills is nothing compared to this, but impossible to convince a doctor.

Also…I keep thinking that if I were at the hospital when my Dear Dad was becoming overly agitated, I would have insisted they give him something like xanax to calm him down. Even this would’ve probably been a fight, but maybe he would’ve…

Yeah…I know! Stop going here. Doctors are more afraid of creating drug addicts than giving out anything that they’d probably easily order for themselves or their family members. Sorry if I sound cynical – but I think I may be realistic.

So…ask for what I want? Ask for what they offer? Don’t ask at all. Have a drink instead…

And keep writing it out…and getting help here at this forum of healing, awareness, community, and enlightenment.

Thanks again!

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He may have been suspicious because you got it from someone else and asked for it by name.  I tried what my doctor prescribed albeit with argument, before researching and coming up with a counter offer...I knew it irritated him but he prescribed it, and it's not a controlled substance.  Maybe if you went to a doctor you know already prescribes it for others?  Ask your friends/family for references.  Besides sometimes new doctors will take someone with a reference.  That's how I started seeing my current doctor nearly ten years ago.  I had a history with my previous doctor of 33 years so that showed I wasn't doctor hopping, he was going out of practice.  And be open to their prescribing a different medication that isn't as addictive.

On 6/7/2020 at 11:09 PM, Miss Ngu said:

So…ask for what I want? Ask for what they offer? Don’t ask at all. Have a drink instead…

Haha, seriously, go in and tell them about your panic attacks, go from there.

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