Exactly a week since I lost my boyfriend I don’t know if I can hold on

[Justqueen]

My boyfriend died a week ago and it’s been hard so hard I’m so angry with God for letting this happen

[Kieron]

Hello, and welcome.  Those firsts always get to you: the first week, first month, first 6 months, first year, first birthday, anniversary, holiday... it just goes on endlessly, all the ways that society, other people, movies and TV and newspapers, simple everyday life, and even God... all conspire to remind us of who and what we lost.  For you, the loss is fresh and raw, and will be for quite some time.  And it's more than okay to be angry with God or fate or the universe or what-have-you.  Anger is a natural response and all of us here who have lost a partner, GF/BF, spouse or significant other, have felt that way numerous times, I'm sure, even toward the person who died as well as toward the circumstances surrounding the death.

I'm certain others will come along and offer support in their own ways.

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know how your loss occurred, but I can say you are in shock mode.  Even if we see it coming, nothing can prepare you for the reality.  Any and everything you feel is normal.  We all know the stages of grief and they don’t happen orderly.  They were also originally written for someone facing their death.  But we experience them too.  We get more stages as well.  I don’t know remember what I felt that first week.  I know I was a wreck and cried all the time having to inform many people.  The most common advice is to feel what your feeling and don’t try to change it.  It’s up to you if you want to talk with people or not.  It took me a long time til I could talk about it.  If you can, maybe you could write a little more about how you lost him.  If you can’t yet, that’s OK.  Anger at god is so very normal.  Is hard to beleive that a loving diety could cause such pain.  I hope you have support from others who share your beliefs.

[MartyT]

As others have said, it's okay to be angry when the love of your life has been snatched away from you. I invite you to read the following, and I hope their content serves to explain some of what you may be feeling:

Religion and Spirituality in Grief

In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense

Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

[kayc]

On 6/11/2020 at 11:17 AM, Justqueen said:

My boyfriend died a week ago and it’s been hard so hard I’m so angry with God for letting this happen

I am so sorry.  Many feel angry with God in their early grief, it's impossible to understand how this could happen, sometimes loss just makes no sense at all.  Your feelings are what they are and all of them valid, that's one thing I've learned about grief.  Sending you hugs....

[Suzie-Lou]

Hi. I lost my boyfriend very suddenly almost 10 weeks ago so I remember all so well what those first few weeks were like. I still cry most days now. He is the first thing that I think about in a morning and the last thing at night, then throughout the day too. You will still be very raw. I’m not sure if your circumstances but there will be lots of emotions that you go through. They say times a good healer but, if I’m honest, I’m not at that point yet. The only advice I can offer is to take comfort in friends and family and if you want to cry then cry. Just go with how you feel each day. Some days for me are better than others. Some days I hate him for leaving me, the next I feel guilty for even thinking that but just go with the flow. Try and remember your good times. Take care x

[Smpl0409]

Hi. I lost my boyfriend 9 months ago, I am 20 and he was 22, he died in front of me, he had an undiagnosed cardiac disease. I remember how life seemed unbearable and how sometimes, It still does. I often wonder why God let that happen, It's normal to feel angry and hopeless, it becomes part of healing, with time, some things will become to make more sense. Talk to God, tell him all that you are feeling, cry, scream, punch your pillow and let it all out. I totally understand your anger and even after this time I still have a lot of questions unanswered but never quit trying to heal. Make sure to surround yourself with people that make you feel like your pain is worthy and that you can be yourself (in grief). Always remember that time does not heal, it is what we do during that time that matters. You can do it.

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

I often wonder why God let that happen, It's normal to feel angry and hopeless

Our Sunday School lesson covered this yesterday and we talked about things that cloud our thinking to the extent we FEEL God is a million miles away.  But feelings never were a good barometer of anything, they are often more of something to contend with.  I remember looking back after about a year after my husband died, and I could see God had been with me all the time, even though I couldn't see/feel him.  That's why we go by faith and what we know to be true in His Word.  Knowing in due time He'll let us know, but sometimes we proceed through the fog, through the dark, unseeing, grasping for His hand, with our faith to guide us.  This is one of those times.\

Thank you for sharing, @Smpl0409 I am sorry for your loss, it had to be horrific, especially not expecting it, the suddenness and your young ages.  My George and I didn't meet until our mid-40s and we were soul mates and best friends, he'd just turned 51 five days before, when suddenly dying of a heart attack...we hadn't known he had heart trouble.

No we sometimes have no answers, we trust someday we will, but by then it'll be a moot point as we'll be together again and all will be well.  

7 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

never quit trying to heal. Make sure to surround yourself with people that make you feel like your pain is worthy and that you can be yourself (in grief). Always remember that time does not heal, it is what we do during that time that matters. You can do it.

A lot of true wisdom here!!!

[razorclam]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. Can you mourn with any of his family or his friends? That can be healing. 

[Laurie echevarria]

I lost my boyfriend of 3 years week ago and I know exactly how you feel alone crying sick to my stomach panic attacks hopeless devastated I really don't know how to cope how to ffg o much  of anything but cry today I went out with my brother for a drive it was terrible all I did was cry my eyes out everywhere I looked was what used too be but was no more are ever be again I really don't  think I'm make it through this and then to have his family ignore me not tell me when funeral is and worship  his ex wife the mother of his daughter I cant stand it he absolutely hated her and they talk about them like they were so close it's because of her that he is dead he list everything because of her budding in to are relationship and now she post things like they were close omg lady he hated u so how dare u I wanna say omg I'm loosing my mind they make me feel as though it's my fault like I'm trash u were his ex for a reason and I m girlfriend for another aaaahhhh I'm literally gunna loose it.....

[Suzie-Lou]

Oh Laurie that’s heartbreaking to read. I understand all of those feelings. My situation was very similar with my partners ex as she was almost best friends with his mother and they made me feel worthless and as though I meant nothing in my partners life. It makes the hurt of losing him so much harder too when your faced with these issues. They’ve got no right to keep you from his funeral as he would without a doubt want you there. You were the person in his life and you were the one who put the smile on his face. I don’t know your circumstances of losing your loved one but however he passed, whether it be a sudden loss or not, he was in a loving relationship with you and you must keep hold of that. It’s hard, but try to block out what they say to you. I had to do the same as they were making me feel like I wanted to just end it all. I took comfort and strength from reading his texts that he sent to me. I have hundreds and I’ve read them all a million times. It breaks me each time but it reminds me of the love we had that nobody can ever take away. Your love together will always be there In you heart because that is where he was and where he will stay. His ex doesn’t have that..... you have that!! I’m four months on now and still have bad days but it gets easier to cope, I promise. Stay strong. You will get through this x

[kayc]

Both of you have my sympathy, hard enough going through this without having the family not recognize you, your love, your grief.  I'd put the exes on ignore/block.  Is it possible the families are gushing over the ex because they fear losing contact with their grandkids?  Maybe not in Laurie's case, her stepson being older, just a thought.

2 hours ago, Suzie-Lou said:

You will get through this x

Yes.  One thing I've learned is we do get through things.

[Laurie echevarria]

Yes I believe that also about  the grandkids I just hurts also thank you so very much for writing me back suzie u ffg ont know what that ment to me I thank God ur feeling doing better I pray I'm get that way my boyfriend of 3 years was found dead one day there next day not his name was Jesse I miss him so plz keep in touch suzie my prayers are with u plz keep me in yours also .thank you

[Laurie echevarria]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Both of you have my sympathy, hard enough going through this without having the family not recognize you, your love, your grief.  I'd put the exes on ignore/block.  Is it possible the families are gushing over the ex because they fear losing contact with their grandkids?  Maybe not in Laurie's case, her stepson being older, just a thought.

Yes.  One thing I've learned is we do get through things.

Thank you so much I'm glad I have u all God bless

[Laurie echevarria]

And yes there are grandkids too lil ones and I believe they are

[Gwenivere]

The thing that gets messy in these situations is the family isn’t obligated to involve you, sorry to say, in plans for memorials or funerals as your weren’t 'legal' family.   It’s terrible they are painting a different picture with his ex, but that’s pretty typical.  People don’t air hatred or bad feelings at times like this.  If there are children involved, they don’t want them exposed to that.  I can’t think of any reason to trash talk you, tho.  You shouldn’t be in the picture at all if they have negative feelings about you.  

I know it is extremely hard.  Part of my husbands family didn’t tell tell me when they were spreading his sisters ashes and it made me feel like an outsider.  When I found out I asked why and there was some reason I don’t remember except it felt made up because they were on the spot.   

The point is I was/am family.   You are not. I don’t say that to hurt you, only in reference to them who are.   It’s their choice to include you or not and they have made their choice.  You are the one that made him happy.  As you said, there are reasons his ex is his ex.  She doesn’t want to be faced with you.  Death creates so many scenarios for those left behind.  Because you have no other choice but to crash a ceremony you weren’t invited to is to try and find some way to tune out that negativity and cherish the times you had with Jesse.  Anger is not your friend right now.  We all have it, but in this instance, it will make things harder about something beyond your control.  His death is enough past your control.  If anything, you can be angry that his family is turning their backs on someone good in his life.  And if you can think about it clearly at all, where do you see yourself at this ceremony?  Not being family or widow, you’d be a bystander and you were so much more than that to him.

[Laurie echevarria]

Ur right even if I could go to his grave are something to say good by I need that DC o bad

[Gwenivere]

If you can find out where it is, you can visit him any time you want or need after the ceremony.  Then you can 'talk' to him in private.  You said you saw it posted so are there details of where and when?  That would at least tell you where he is. 

I hope you can if that would bring you some peace. 💖

[Laurie echevarria]

I never found out anything about Jesse memorial  obituary nothing it totally saddens me 

[MartyT]

As an alternative to the visitation and funeral that you missed, Laurie, you might consider creating your own personal ritual of remembrance, as a way to honor your beloved and lend expression to your grief.

As an alternative to visiting Jesse's gravesite, might you create a special place in your home ~ a quiet corner in your room or even a shelf on a bookcase ~ with a photograph and an LED votive candle you can keep lit, along with some personal mementoes or objects that hold special meaning for the two of you, where you can go to think about and remember and pay tribute to your Jesse?  

Personal Grief Rituals can be any loving activities that help you remember your beloved, and give you a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help you release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing you to make your memories a positive influence in your life.  See, for example, Stephanie Frogge’s article, The Role of Ritual Following a Major Loss and Why Is the Funeral Ritual Important? by Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD.

You might try writing an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy for Jesse. Several such examples appear on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing website:

• In Loving Memory of My Mother
• A Tribute to My Father
• A Tribute to My Sister
• A Tribute to My Friend

You could buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your beloved, or memorialize him in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle at Light a Candle Online.

Find a book on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed “In memory of [Jesse's first and last name].”

Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to Jesse, and mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue.

Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to him, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go – or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward.

Visit the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page of my Grief Healing website for dozens of other ideas.  ❤️

[Laurie echevarria]

Thank you ssf o very much MartyT had the same idea Imade a go fund me acct for Jesse so I can get a memorial  bench and plaque ,also I'm get candels put a picture of him on it and everybody light it and send balloon up in sky at the same time and video everyone doing it and make a DVD thank you for ur kind words and suggestions I really appreciate  it God blesd