Too many losses too fast

[MTNSIDE]

On 6/25/2020 at 9:52 AM, kayc said:, I can be hear to listen and care but I realize you need the guidance of a professional counselor and I sincerely hope you

I’ve been struggling really hard. I think I need to stop seeing this therapist i was seeing once every 4-5 weeks Since a month before Pandemic.  Its still every 4 -5 weeks but, at the most, it’s a 20 min phone conversation. It seems that she believes I need stronger meds since I’m still severely depressed.  She doesn’t believe it’s from my losses and traumas. Not from my horrific abuse since life’s first memory.  Or the intense physical pain that rarely leaves me today.  I lost my will to live. I lost my faith that I’ll learn to want to live again. I’ll never find help.  I looked so hard and long !!  I wanted this for my sons!!  I don’t want to hurt them. 

[kayc]

Don't hurt your sons, do not give up!  If this therapist isn't doing it for you (and it sounds like she isn't!) then try another.  A phone call once a month does not seem enough.  You may or may not need stronger meds, that's something to talk to your doctor about, that would be preferable to totally giving up.
Muster everything within you, even if it's a mustard seed grain of faith, to keep yourself going!  Search your options!
@MTNSIDE  I have been where you are, change the circumstances a bit, I've been abused, in hopeless situations & marriages, fearing for my life, then when everything was wonderful in my life finally, I had a husband that got me and loved me & it was very mutual...he suddenly died, barely 51.  I can't answer why some people go through so much and others escape unscathed, but I saw no hope in sight...that was 15 years ago, I am still here.  I live for whatever good moments there are, I look for them, acknowledge them, embrace them, and those tiny bits of joy get me through.  When my husband passed, and I had always been an avid pray-er, I felt God was a million miles away...where was He?!  I realized much later, He was carrying me all that time but I couldn't see/hear Him through my cloud of grief...grief can do that.  It can feel so all-consuming.

Hang on to the moments you get to talk to your sons.  You need a friend in your life!  Keep reaching out.  Come here, we hear you, it's okay to pour out your feelings.  I'm sorry it's so hard, I know that it is.

[MTNSIDE]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I felt God was a million miles away...where was He?!  I realized much later, He was carrying me all that time but I couldn't see/hear Him through my cloud of grief...grief can do that.  It can feel so all-consuming.

I was wondering the same thing about God. Like the ‘Footprint’ poem about there was one set of prints in the sand during life’s hardest times. Then it says cause God was carrying him. Well I used to feel that way. Now there is one set no matter if times are good or bad. I’m afraid to get close to God again. It seems to always be when I feel attacked. No I am attacked. And it wasn’t only me paying the price. My sons have been poorly affected by my losses that were their loss too. Their dad and my brothers. Our home they lived in almost since birth. Closing day was same day my younger son was born so I had to sign power of attorney so my mom could go to closing. My brothers were so important to them too. Their dad was never n their lives unless it was some recognition where he could get credit too. Never made a practice but rarely missed oldest sons games. My younger son wasn’t as athletic so many missed games. My mother in law passed away in her sleep a couple years before divorce. My oldest son was devastated cause she adored him. My younger son was hurt of course, but he normally skipped out on doing things w them..  He was a homebody. Still is!  Our divorce was 2 years after losing her, and then we lost my younger brother 2 years after divorce. That was hard on all 3 of us. He was a huge part of our lives. We lived w him during separations  before divorce.  He spent so much time w my sons. They both loved him deeply.  He was my #1 friend/brother all of my life. He was the only one who protected me from my dad when possible..... I can still see him waving bye when I dropped him home. Not knowing I’d never talk to him again. 38 years old... gone so fast. Well, We moved into his home after ours was torn down a couple years after he died.  FEMA only covered 4 floods...  I had insurance but they kept half my equity to tear it down. The next year, 2016, we lost his home and my remaining equity to a 500 year freak flood!!! Fema helped even those without flood insurance. Most SE of our state was under water.  They did not give me a penny tho.  Because   his house was not in my name...as I watched everyone rebuild nicer homes than they lost..  That was when it changed for me.  I had tens of thousands taken from me with flood insurance the year before.    Now I am homeless.  Will always be.  I lost my older brother the year I lost my first home.  Then 2 more friends.   The last died in my arms. I feel cursed. With that last flood, and my friend of 33 years dying in my arms during a visit, went my belief that anything will be ok again. I attempted suicide a few times, and that led to my younger son dropping out college start of his senior year. I’m so sad for all the worry and pain I caused them. I still cause them.  But I’m terminal w what my 2nd brother died of. I had to close my 20 year business. I miss having a home w my sons. Gone so fast. Even both our dogs died in 2015 and 16. Old age. I have one friend living and I stay w her and her dad. He has been perverted to me since I was a teen. I still deal w stuff from him. It’s hard to live when it’s the opposite of what I want for myself. But thinking of how much pain it would cause my sons, I don’t see how I could ever fail them.  How horrible I would be!! They saw me soon after I survived attempt in 2018  (3 were back to back so I count as 1). They  didn’t blame me for wanting to die. But both begged me to stay for them, and were so hurt that I didn’t even say goodbye. My good bye letters were in the hotel room but had gotten packed up unnoticed.  Besides what they witnessed me go thru, they had just found out the truth about me finding their aunt ‘sick’.   That truth was I had found her raped, beaten and kicked in head and face by a teen w 2nd degree black belt in 1999, on her living room floor.  She amazingly survived, with only some permanent damage. I had their 5 year old daughter for the months during recovery,  so I couldn’t show my pain. My sons learned of a failed abduction on me, that the only legal adult involved, served time for in 2001.  Also, because of the divorce, my son accidentally found out about my dads abuse of me. The court ordered therapist didn’t turn on her sound maker, and my son heard it all.  I’ve had it with therapist. I called them all anyway. But I can’t comprehend starting w another one. I lost myself already. I just need to hang on for my sons who deserve so much more than what they were given!!! More than me. I also am sad to think they may have to watch me die slowly like their Godfather/uncle died.   Either way they are losing me. But I know it’s better on them if it’s not by my own hand.  I did fight many battles out of pure love for them. I’m just tired.  I’m sure it will pass 🤞.  If chatting it out works, then I have a better chance for sure!! Thank u. I doubt I’ll have another friend like I lost, pwbpd have hard time making and keeping friends. That may be why I get along w so many but am a friend to none.  No matter how much I want to feel that again. It hasn’t happen so far, anyway. 

[MTNSIDE]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

 I have been where you are, change the circumstances a bit, I've been abused, in hopeless situations & marriages, fearing for my life, then when everything was wonderful in my life finally, I had a husband that got me and loved me & it was very mutual...he suddenly died, barely 51.

Sometimes I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and add to anyone’s pain, but I wanted to ask you how you acquired something I admire about you. It confuses me, but I know it’s real. I feel your strength and self awareness. In ur words and thru ur advice.  But after all that you went thru,  you finally were blessed to know true happiness. Then, that knowledge that true happiness enlightened and strengthened you with, also  filled you with insight. What a gift, when you add it to the empathy only those with unfortunate life experiences can feel deeply.  Familiar, sadly because you lived it. Not just survived it; but you found a way to thrive!!  I feel almost an obligation to, at minimum, try what you suggest. I feel a respect that far exceeds what a degree could have earned you.  Before anyone could teach it, someone had to experience it, I think?!  And would follow in the survivors footsteps if they were in the same situation.   I would love to understand what you went through after you lost your husband.  My heart aches for you. And My brother was 51 when we lost him. But far from suddenly. Tho it does still hurt if I think of him long at all.  Did you go through your grief with more difficulty? Did you get stuck in anger? I could see me being stuck there. I guess like I am stuck now..  But I haven’t been close to being happy yet.  I always feel like I need to be on guard, cause if I ever truly feel it , it will be much worse when it is taken away.  I just think it’s easier if I don’t know what it feels like. I can’t miss what I never had. Logic? Cowardice? Self preservation? Self destruct?  I think I would go with cowardice. I don’t know what point it is that makes me think it is ok to take my life. Why I fail to think of my sons pain?  Was it hard for you to accept the gift of him in ur life? Were u afraid that if u did , you could lose that too? If u weren’t afraid, did u ever regret not having that fear?  I feel so guilty for the few times I didn’t think of anything but it being over!! Never thought about the pain I would cause my poor sons.   So I created another trick. I make myself think about my sons pain everytime I think of dying. 20 times a day min.  Now It’s more automatic. So next, I need to want to exist.  To even just feel it a little bit. Can’t come up w idea yet...  I did also use a trick that made my first memory better. But so far, it’s the only memory  I made better using it.  Now my first memory at 3 years old has a mixture of things I love all around me. Only one bad person is in there. The good far outweighs the bad. It seems to have helped. Shoot, I’m going to be so screwed up from having to figure it out alone, but luckily I get advice from people that pop in and out my life..... like you. Thank you for ur kindness. To just be heard is a huge gift to me!!! There is worse than being alone. It is being around others and still being very lonely and alone. There are people that miss me. That I make laugh.  But it’s not the real me they meet anyway. But it sure is much better than this. Why is it like that here?  Her mom is next door in my friends place while my friend moved into her dads to help him be lazier.  I stay here and I do plenty to help considering the circumstances. It’s almost 24/7 every week. If I had my brothers or friends even, I would leave here at times. But theres no place to go.  Why am I treated like an outcast? It’s odd. Like they say enough just to confuse me. To keep me from leaving while still keeping me nervous about a steady place to stay.  They know I’m stuck and it’s used against me I believe. I’m sorry this was so long. I am truly overwhelmed!!! But if I stay in this life then I need to do it for me too. Or I’ll fail. There’s the pause. I have unsettling symptoms now. It’s like the bottom dropped out of the bottom...   if there are no ways to get out of this mess, I don’t want to drag it out so long. It’s painful mentally, spiritually , and physically. Ur in my prayers. Always!! I sure hope I didn’t just make it more confusing. 

[Kieron]

17 hours ago, kayc said:

A phone call once a month does not seem enough.

That's for sure.  If she can't manage to work with you more than once a month then she's ethically OBLIGATED to refer you to someone who can!  Honestly, some of these "professionals."  😲  If I felt out of my depth with a client, I would ask for supervision or a transfer to someone more qualified.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

I’m afraid to get close to God again. It seems to always be when I feel attacked.

God is always there, but in my life I've drawn nigh to Him when I was most in need of Him!  Being human, that's just how we are.  I have read books on suffering and pain and it seems it is in those times we do draw closer to Him.  I'm sorry you feel you have to distance yourself from Him but I can assure you He doesn't cause you more pain because of your having a relationship with Him, He wants good for us.  This is just kind of a messed up world, we keep asking "why" when I doubt we'd get it if someone could tell us.  Now it seems more than ever but if you go back in history, there were hard times then too.

12 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

That may be why I get along w so many but am a friend to none.

I understand, I have a lot of "friends" but not many FRIENDS, you know what I mean, there's a difference.  My bestie moved to TX a few years ago, I miss her so much!
It sounds like your sons are your incentive/motivation to keep going, to hang in there, I'm glad you have them.  I'm leaving for three days to go take care of my grandchildren (my son's), haven't seen them in two months.  

 

8 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

Did you go through your grief with more difficulty?

It was very very hard because of it being unexpected and him so young.  I don't remember feeling much anger, maybe at the situation but I don't recall staying there, I remember feeling frantic, anxious, felt God was a million miles away, ALL of our friends disappeared on me immediately!  I needed someone to talk to.  Someone purporting to be his friend made my acquaintance and availed himself to talk with me...I was very vulnerable and wanting to rebuild my life...I married him.  He never lived with me, he was a con who used my credit for $57,000 and then stuck me with it, going into hiding with his GF.  Prior to that I caught him living with (another) GF in OUR trailer!  She was a member of EK (white supremacist) and stole my identity, I have to be on guard for that the rest of my life.  He set me up, told me what I wanted to hear, and in my grief fog, I was taken.  I'm somewhat a wise old bitty now, for all the good it does me!   I feel horribly embarrassed that I was taken that way, I would have got an annulment had I filed sooner but I'm tenacious to a fault and tried my best to "make it work."  It takes two people to make a marriage, but only one to break it.  Once it became so blatant I couldn't be in denial any longer, I divorced him so fast his head spun!  I will be paying on that (with interest) until I'm nearly 80.  Hoping to pay it off sooner, and it looks like with the market rebounding, I may be able to in 8 years instead of 12.   Ahh but that is but a small segment of my life story...just as you have been through a lot, so have I.  I figure it helps me understand others and their situations better.  I don't believe God sets out to foist calamities in our lives, but when they come, He is the one who can bring out a silver lining in it, and sometimes that is me learning and growing through it...I am rich now, not in money, but in life's lessons!

I want to share with you an article I wrote about ten years after the death of my husband, of the things I've found helpful over the years.  One of the foremost being taking a day at a time.  The other one that was life-changing for me was looking for joy in every day, which I may expound on later if you're interested.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[Kieron]

7 hours ago, MTNSIDE said:

  Kieran, Maybe the pandemic releases her from that obligation.

I don't think that should be the case but maybe in her mind it does.  Your state may do things differently.

[MTNSIDE]

On 6/20/2020 at 11:39 AM, kayc said:

Avoidance of reminders: People with complicated grief often think the only way they can manage pain is to stop the emotions from being triggered. To do this they try to avoid reminders of the loss.

I’m not sure if you know much about pwborderline personality disorder, but as I was reading over the article u posted, it talked about the pain of feeling the emotions. And avoiding anything that may trigger those emotions.  As I got older I learned to hide my feelings better, but I always seemed to feel things more intensely than those around me. Maybe pwbpd are more likely to get complicated grief because they feel things much more intensely than pw out bpd.  The feelings around losing a loved one hurts enough without it being felt to a more intense degree..  Bpd may also be a contributor in having complicated grief because we already have an increased fear of abandonment.  It may be applicable even if it’s not a purposeful abandonment. Also, in the article u published, i recognized in me what u wrote about how keeping busy can  help the grieving mind distract itself from the loss.  But it is not supposed to be a substitute for the grief we need to feel.  Then it is no longer a healthy to cope. As u stated, pain will find a way out. I am really guilty hiding from pain.  At times I even feel guilty if I am  never thinking of my brothers because it is too painful. So then I have to stay even busier. It will only then show itself in an unexplained burst of anger or tears for seemingly no reason at all. It will find a way out!!  I can usually feel the build up of pain as it’s growing inside of me. Almost as if it is physical in form. I really dislike it as it explodes into anger because that isn’t a feeling I want to associate with remembering someone I love and miss. It seems to me that borderline personality is a big ingredient to what can become complicated grief. 

[kayc]

I know grief.  I've lived, breathed, studied it for 15 1/2 years.  It's part of me.  No I'm not borderline, so that is not an expertise of mine.  That's why I think a qualified grief counselor can be advantageous, one who has studied both.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

I do know it helps to experience our grief and go straight through it, we have to allow ourselves to FEEL it, we can't circumvent it or shut it off.  HOWEVER, perhaps you are needing to mete out your grief so as not to "feel" it all the time!  That is understandable.

See here:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html

[MTNSIDE]

On 12/29/2020 at 10:51 AM, kayc said:

.  HOWEVER, perhaps you are needing to mete out your grief so as not to "feel" it all the time!  That is understandable.

I still have a very difficult time feeling the pain or even attempting to grieve for any of the losses that came at me nonstop.  Not without feeling it all at once. It overwhelms me so I have to shut it all off again.  Like In 2015, I lost my 2nd brother at the same time as trying to deal with where my sons would live after our home flooded again.  Fema.kept half of my equity to tear down our home where we shared 19 years of our family memories.   I couldn’t even drive near the empty lot it once stood for approx a couple of years.  And the losses continued at that rate of 3-4 major losses a year.   It felt so huge and I spent a lot of energy not allowing myself to even think about how much it hurt.  And, as I wrote about on other forums here, there would be more trauma and loss that I still can’t face. I’m still hiding from it because it only feels bigger. And much more overwhelming.   I have no friends left, and the physical and mental pain are too much to hold back and are causing other problems.   Now with each loss or trauma, like when I was severely attacked, I lose more hope than I can spare.  I feel a wave of sadness wash through me so often now. Even physically it has affected me uncontrolled high blood pressure, a heart attack, mini stroke, and my hair has started falling out this year.  I still constantly fear what is going to happen next. My sister is very sick with Covid right now.  I’m reaching out again praying for a way out!!