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10 hours ago, scba said:

Loss to death in young adults is treated as a sad break-up.

I agree totally with what you are saying, I feel like everyone has moved on and I am just surviving but I have to hold on to the idea that I will see him when my time comes. I won't lie, I get really frustrated when people say this that you just made reference to: "Loss to death in young adults is treated as a sad break-up", I have lost great friendship because I found out they treated this like I was going through a casual heartbreak.

 I had friends with whom I went out every weekend that have never talked to me in almost 10 months and I just think to myself: "Is my friendship that meaningless and when things get rough, they disappear?"  but I have learnt to start to think about what is healthy for me. People thinking this is something you just get up from is awful and I just don't see myself recovering from this but having weird friendships makes it even more painful. 

I am very grateful from this site because I can express myself.

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine being 30 and losing someone you love, every age makes grief different and that has to be very difficult to deal with. I congratulate you for sticking around and sharing your story. 

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

So much wisdom and caring here.  

@Smpl0409  Don't let anyone invalidate your feelings, love has nothing to do with age, marital status, longevity, it has everything to do with the connection and love you shared with that person!  Many married people don't have what you had!  You know what you feel, you know what you've lost, I would set anyone straight that talked down to me like that.  Thank them for invalidating my experience.  I know that's not what they think they're trying to do, but in so doing it maybe need it called to their attention?  Do what you feel best!  What YOU feel is what matters most!

I really am grateful for God giving me the chance to meet my soulmate, and even though we did not have a lot of time, many can't even find them, so I have to hold on to what made me happy at that time. Recently, I have felt really alone, I miss him so much everyday but I just feel like I changed so much because of this, that people don't want to even talk to me, I'am scared. 

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Fear and anxiety are very common.  We’ve been thrust into a situation that was promising to give us so much happiness being turn from us.  We didn’t get a vote and many no warning.  Even with warning, it doesn’t make sense it’s happening to us.  I still spend much time wondering why us?  I’m sure every couple does.  I know my anxiety is intensified just knowing this is real.  My fear is how will I live my time left carrying the loss.  Also because it’s been found that loneiness is a threat to our physical well being.  It almost doesn’t make sense as I don’t want to be here without him.  When I came home last night from buying a new bedpillow (something we  reolaced every year) , I only had one.p.  It dawned on me I am 64 and I never had been here before but I always assumed every new phase he would be by my side.  I emptied another load of laundry with nothing if his in it.  I will have no one to see how the pillow, now singular, was in the morning.  I had to acknowledge I am scared too.  Every single day.  It’s just a sort if me now.  It was not something I wanted, expected and have to accept.....tho I do it kicking and screaming.  I admire those thatvdo this gracefully.

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10 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

"Is my friendship that meaningless and when things get rough, they disappear?"

ALL of our friends disappeared, further adding to the shock and grief I had to deal with.  I know I would not have done likewise to them.  I am still blown away that people can be like that.  I'm talking best friends!  
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

10 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

I just feel like I changed so much because of this

It does change us.  It's not all in negative ways, we can learn our inner strength, realize what's important and what isn't, develop understanding and compassion.  All of which we'd gladly trade to have them back!

People don't know how to respond to you, it's not that they value you less or don't like you anymore...it's about them, their fears, etc.  What they don't realize is that right now should be about YOU!  It is YOU who are going through the greatest loss and upheaval and we need them all the more then!

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I always assumed every new phase he would be by my side.

That is what we'd talked about, assumed, planned!  We were supposed to grow old together!

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On 6/30/2020 at 1:37 AM, Gwenivere said:

Fear and anxiety are very common.  We’ve been thrust into a situation that was promising to give us so much happiness being turn from us.  We didn’t get a vote and many no warning.  Even with warning, it doesn’t make sense it’s happening to us.  I still spend much time wondering why us?  I’m sure every couple does.  I know my anxiety is intensified just knowing this is real.  My fear is how will I live my time left carrying the loss.  Also because it’s been found that loneiness is a threat to our physical well being.  It almost doesn’t make sense as I don’t want to be here without him.  When I came home last night from buying a new bedpillow (something we  reolaced every year) , I only had one.p.  It dawned on me I am 64 and I never had been here before but I always assumed every new phase he would be by my side.  I emptied another load of laundry with nothing if his in it.  I will have no one to see how the pillow, now singular, was in the morning.  I had to acknowledge I am scared too.  Every single day.  It’s just a sort if me now.  It was not something I wanted, expected and have to accept.....tho I do it kicking and screaming.  I admire those thatvdo this gracefully.

I feel exactly like that, my loss was sudden, one minute we were hugging and the next, he was gone, I didn't have any warning and that image will always haunt me. I am 20 years old and I always wonder how am I gonna be able to live like this for so long, I actually don't think I will be able, everyday seems so difficult and I am emotionally and physically exhausted. 

I am so sorry for your loss, every action that does not involve him anymore seems impossible, but I know that this routine will eventually get better. 

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On 6/30/2020 at 8:01 AM, kayc said:

ALL of our friends disappeared, further adding to the shock and grief I had to deal with.  I know I would not have done likewise to them.  I am still blown away that people can be like that.  I'm talking best friends!  
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

It does change us.  It's not all in negative ways, we can learn our inner strength, realize what's important and what isn't, develop understanding and compassion.  All of which we'd gladly trade to have them back!

People don't know how to respond to you, it's not that they value you less or don't like you anymore...it's about them, their fears, etc.  What they don't realize is that right now should be about YOU!  It is YOU who are going through the greatest loss and upheaval and we need them all the more then!

That is what we'd talked about, assumed, planned!  We were supposed to grow old together!

Exactly, I always considered myself a great friend, I was there for them through thick and thin and now I find myself with very few people that actually care enough to stand by me even If I refuse to accept their help. 

People tell me that I have to take this as a lesson from God, but I find myself lost, why did I have to go through this to learn something, he was the love of my life, he didn't deserve it. But I have found myself stronger because after this, what else can go wrong, there is nothing worse than this. 

 

Thank you so much for the articles ❤️

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5 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

 

People tell me that I have to take this as a lesson from God, but I find myself lost, why did I have to go through this to learn something, he was the love of my life, he didn't deserve it. 

 

Thank you so much for the articles ❤️

 I'm sorry they said you that. In my view, that kind of statement put blame on survivors. There is something that they did to "deserve" it. To love someone too much? And what about our beloved ones?  What is the lesson  to a mother who lost his son? I'm sorry but I cannot coincieve any of that, and to be said to someone so young. Having said all that, I think we can choose what to do with our pain. We can be vindictive, careless, selfish, cynical, bitter...or we can show compassion, affection, care and respect to those who struggle and suffer.  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lessons_b_5260513

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3 hours ago, scba said:

 I'm sorry they said you that. In my view, that kind of statement put blame on survivors. There is something that they did to "deserve" it. To love someone too much? And what about our beloved ones?  What is the lesson  to a mother who lost his son? I'm sorry but I cannot coincieve any of that, and to be said to someone so young. Having said all that, I think we can choose what to do with our pain. We can be vindictive, careless, selfish, cynical, bitter...or we can show compassion, affection, care and respect to those who struggle and suffer.  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lessons_b_5260513

I know they didn't have any bad feelings towards me telling me that but That was exactly what I thought : what did I do wrong? And It is something that I still think about, I deal with a lot of regret and I am working on it but It is very difficult when you were with that person in his last moments and could not do anything to save him. I have always been very patient and caring but lately I am super irritable and careless, I know is part of grief, I just don't want to hurt anyone. 

By the way, great article, thank you. I just read it and this phrases shocked me: a lot of people told me this: 

• You must have really needed to learn about letting go.

• I hear loss like this makes you really appreciate the little things - it makes you stronger, too.

• I wonder if you made an agreement in a past life that you would learn about this stuff together. Or maybe you did something bad in a past life. Or maybe he did. 

• Think of how much nicer you'll be, now that you know how much pain people can be in. You've been on that side now, so you know.

• Well, everyone needs to learn how to be less attached. That's what all those Eastern teachings say. We're all too "attached."

I just thought to myself: really, the supposed "lesson" at his and my expense, does it really matter? I am grateful that I actually met the love of my life but just to heartbroken that I never even got to achieve our dreams together. 

 

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I just read the article and how true I is about how many people view what we are going thru.  Meaning....clueless.  Trying to assign lessons that lead to guilt?  Trying to downplay pain?  I’m feeling fortunate that I haven’t heard much of it and if has been thought of me, I haven’t known about it.  That would just be fuel on the fire.  No one needs that.  It’s a sad commentary about how grief is so misunderstood.

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18 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

People tell me that I have to take this as a lesson from God

While I usually learn from what I go through, I don't believe everything is "sent as a lesson."  It makes no sense to me why some get to keep their person and others just have to "learn lessons."  I don't see God as a giant puppeteer manipulating our lives just to make us miserable and see if we sink or swim.  I see life happens to us, no fairness about it, and He is ever present to go through it with us...our hurting hearts paining Him as well.  But that's just my take on it. ;)

13 hours ago, scba said:

we can show compassion, affection, care and respect to those who struggle and suffer.  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lessons_b_5260513

So perfect!  It reminds me of a Bible passage that says He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:4 

18 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

But I have found myself stronger because after this, what else can go wrong, there is nothing worse than this. 

Exactly!  Losing George is my benchmark.  I have been through many hard places in my life, suffered abuse, losses of many kinds, but that was the hardest place of all!

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

how true I is about how many people view what we are going thru.

It seems they want to differentiate you from themselves or it could happen to them...maybe not consciously but that's what they're doing.  Thus "you need to learn a lesson" (but not them).  When you think about it, how warped is that!

 

10 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

I am grateful that I actually met the love of my life but just to heartbroken that I never even got to achieve our dreams together. 

Beautiful thought...it's how I felt.

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11 hours ago, kayc said:

Losing George is my benchmark.  I have been through many hard places in my life, suffered abuse, losses of many kinds, but that was the hardest place of all!

It seems they want to differentiate you from themselves or it could happen to them...maybe not consciously but that's what they're doing.  Thus "you need to learn a lesson" (but not them).  When you think about it, how warped is that?

It’s vry warped.  The lack of empathy, or even sympathy mazes me often.  When I get a random kindness I’m blown away by it.  Yup, Steve is my benchmark.  To this point it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.  I do remind myself to never say things couldn’t be worse.   That’s just tempting fate and I really don’t want to go there.  I don’t want to know if there is.  This I quite enough, thankyouverymuch.

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22 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

I know they didn't have any bad feelings towards me telling me that but That was exactly what I thought : what did I do wrong? And It is something that I still think about, I deal with a lot of regret and I am working on it but It is very difficult when you were with that person in his last moments and could not do anything to save him. I have always been very patient and caring but lately I am super irritable and careless, I know is part of grief, I just don't want to hurt anyone. 

 

 

 

Of course you don't want to hurt anyone but you are feeling hurt and grief hurts very bad. I remember being so afraid to be abandoned by my closest friends because of my acute pain. I still feel that in some way. People was like what's wrong with you! I didn't dare to confess them that I woke up wishing to be dead to be with my boyfriend. 

With time only we reach to a place in which we can forgive ourselves, forgive others, and think differently about people in pain. That's what I meant to say. It is a slow process. Right now it's ok to not be ok. 

 

 

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I just read the article and how true I is about how many people view what we are going thru.  Meaning....clueless.  Trying to assign lessons that lead to guilt?  Trying to downplay pain?  I’m feeling fortunate that I haven’t heard much of it and if has been thought of me, I haven’t known about it.  That would just be fuel on the fire.  No one needs that.  It’s a sad commentary about how grief is so misunderstood.

I know, how can you judge someones actions like that, it makes the situation even more painful and I just learned to ignore certain people that try to make me feel like I just should "get over it", it makes it even harder. 

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12 hours ago, kayc said:

While I usually learn from what I go through, I don't believe everything is "sent as a lesson."  It makes no sense to me why some get to keep their person and others just have to "learn lessons."  I don't see God as a giant puppeteer manipulating our lives just to make us miserable and see if we sink or swim.  I see life happens to us, no fairness about it, and He is ever present to go through it with us...our hurting hearts paining Him as well.  But that's just my take on it. ;)

So perfect!  It reminds me of a Bible passage that says He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:4 

Exactly!  Losing George is my benchmark.  I have been through many hard places in my life, suffered abuse, losses of many kinds, but that was the hardest place of all!

It seems they want to differentiate you from themselves or it could happen to them...maybe not consciously but that's what they're doing.  Thus "you need to learn a lesson" (but not them).  When you think about it, how warped is that!

 

Beautiful thought...it's how I felt.

I just want answers and I instantly think I did something wrong because it is easier to blame me, I just hurts not knowing: Why I never knew this would happened? A warning would have made it easier. 

I am so sorry for everything that you have through, I just think losing the love of your life takes everything that once made you happy, and makes it unbearable. 

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39 minutes ago, scba said:

 

Of course you don't want to hurt anyone but you are feeling hurt and grief hurts very bad. I remember being so afraid to be abandoned by my closest friends because of my acute pain. I still feel that in some way. People was like what's wrong with you! I didn't dare to confess them that I woke up wishing to be dead to be with my boyfriend. 

With time only we reach to a place in which we can forgive ourselves, forgive others, and think differently about people in pain. That's what I meant to say. It is a slow process. Right now it's ok to not be ok. 

 

 

Exactly, I am afraid of losing everyone but I just don't care about anything that anyone has to say, I know it sounds selfish and arrogant but I just don't feel interested. My deepest secret is that too: Wishing being dead just to be by his side. The only reason that I stay is to not hurt my family, I see the pain my boyfriend's family is going through and I can't make my family live that. I have not come to terms with forgiving me but therapy has helped a lot with it. 

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11 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

makes it unbearable.

I reckon it's bearable or I wouldn't be here 15 years later but there's times I felt it was only just bearable.  ;)

11 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

I have not come to terms with forgiving me but therapy has helped a lot with it. 

I'm glad therapy is helping.

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37 minutes ago, kayc said:

I reckon it's bearable or I wouldn't be here 15 years later but there's times I felt it was only just bearable.  ;)

I'm glad therapy is helping.

Actually, getting to talk with people like you has helped me see that even though it never gets easier, life goes on and it is possible to get through this. 

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22 hours ago, MartyT said:

 

I think that is one of the greatest benefits of a forum like this one. See Grief Support Online: An Invitation  ♥️

So true!  And I love Maya Angelou.  This place saved me when I most needed it 15 years ago after George died.  I was lost, truly distraught.

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On 7/2/2020 at 8:52 PM, Smpl0409 said:

Exactly, I am afraid of losing everyone but I just don't care about anything that anyone has to say, I know it sounds selfish and arrogant but I just don't feel interested. My deepest secret is that too: Wishing being dead just to be by his side.

Your deepest secret is one many of us have or have had.  That you see how it would impact your family is very caring on your part. It’s very hard to keep going forward when you just don’t care anymore.  I felt that when he died and very intensely this last year, when I hit 5.  As I said before, you were robbed of your plans of a future with him.  I was robbed of sharing what we built over a lifetime now that we were planning on kicking back and enjoying no responsibilities beyond what we chose.  I hope your therapy is helping with the guilt you often mention.  That is such a useless emotion in this circumstance.  If love couldhavecsaved him, it would have.  I know all of us had that and lost to nature anyway.  I don’t know what happens after they are gone, but to leave knowing you are loved has to make a huge difference.  When my time comes, I won’t have that.  Friends and children are important, but they are not.....him.  

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7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Your deepest secret is one many of us have or have had.  That you see how it would impact your family is very caring on your part. It’s very hard to keep going forward when you just don’t care anymore.  I felt that when he died and very intensely this last year, when I hit 5.  As I said before, you were robbed of your plans of a future with him.  I was robbed of sharing what we built over a lifetime now that we were planning on kicking back and enjoying no responsibilities beyond what we chose.  I hope your therapy is helping with the guilt you often mention.  That is such a useless emotion in this circumstance.  If love couldhavecsaved him, it would have.  I know all of us had that and lost to nature anyway.  I don’t know what happens after they are gone, but to leave knowing you are loved has to make a huge difference.  When my time comes, I won’t have that.  Friends and children are important, but they are not.....him.  

I really did feel that all my plans are gone and I am just "surviving", it's awful not being able to talk to him and tell him how much I love him, I just hope he knew. 

Exactly, no amount of love can make me feel like he did and it is very painful knowing you won't ever feel like that. 

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If you told him and showed him your love, he knew.  That is a doubt I hope you don’t have to carry.  There’s so many ways we tell them beyond words and intimacy.  Little things that speak louder than words. Things we might even do for others but take in a special meaning for our loves.  The perfect card, making a special favorite meal, buying something because you know they’d love it.  They’re always on our minds.  That is something I’ve never lost. I often see things I would have bought him or things I used to that were his favorite.  It’s hard to get that kick in the gut.  Even sitting here at this moment typing this was time we spent watching a movie after a dinner out because it’s saturday.  I never passed up a time to make sure he knew he was loved.  Even if it was teasing him or getting on him for leaving a mess.      His bathroom picture us covered in post it notes I left him.  Layers on layers.  All with a heart at the end.  

So if you loved him, which you did, he knew.  Just as I knew he did me by the very same things

 

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This morning as I donned my wedding band, I smiled, knowing it for what it is...a reminder that I once was loved, we shared the best, how all too short it was!  Just like you knew love and it was ripped away all too soon.  But we know we were loved and wherever they are, they love us still...no one can take that away.

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I have the exact same story as smpl0409, only difference is my partner was 52, we don’t yet know the cause but it was sudden and unexpected, on 6/12, and we were together for 3 years.  We had longed for a devoted committed relationship for so long and finally found what we wanted for so long in each other.  He left that morning for a hike, something we had both become engaged in and the awesomeness awareness once we reached the pinnacle.  Richard was very active and fit and challenged himself to so many hiking miles this year.  It was not out of the ordinary for him to go on hikes alone.  I remember plainly that morning him saying “I love you”.  It was so special and gentle.  Not like any time he’s said it before.  Off he went.  He called a couple of times, the last being around 2 to let me know when he thought he would be back.  4 hours later there was a know at the door, the police looking for his next of kin.  Every sentient that smpl0409 shares is what I am now trying to find my way through.  I want to be where he is, right now.  All our plans to spend the rest of our lives together, gone.  All our short term plans for the summer, gone.  2 weeks before we looked at rings.  What do I do now?  My body is wasting away.  I can’t eat.  I can’t think.  My heart is broken and my soul is deflated.  We didn’t have enough time.

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