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10 hours ago, scba said:

Loss to death in young adults is treated as a sad break-up.

I agree totally with what you are saying, I feel like everyone has moved on and I am just surviving but I have to hold on to the idea that I will see him when my time comes. I won't lie, I get really frustrated when people say this that you just made reference to: "Loss to death in young adults is treated as a sad break-up", I have lost great friendship because I found out they treated this like I was going through a casual heartbreak.

 I had friends with whom I went out every weekend that have never talked to me in almost 10 months and I just think to myself: "Is my friendship that meaningless and when things get rough, they disappear?"  but I have learnt to start to think about what is healthy for me. People thinking this is something you just get up from is awful and I just don't see myself recovering from this but having weird friendships makes it even more painful. 

I am very grateful from this site because I can express myself.

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine being 30 and losing someone you love, every age makes grief different and that has to be very difficult to deal with. I congratulate you for sticking around and sharing your story. 

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

So much wisdom and caring here.  

@Smpl0409  Don't let anyone invalidate your feelings, love has nothing to do with age, marital status, longevity, it has everything to do with the connection and love you shared with that person!  Many married people don't have what you had!  You know what you feel, you know what you've lost, I would set anyone straight that talked down to me like that.  Thank them for invalidating my experience.  I know that's not what they think they're trying to do, but in so doing it maybe need it called to their attention?  Do what you feel best!  What YOU feel is what matters most!

I really am grateful for God giving me the chance to meet my soulmate, and even though we did not have a lot of time, many can't even find them, so I have to hold on to what made me happy at that time. Recently, I have felt really alone, I miss him so much everyday but I just feel like I changed so much because of this, that people don't want to even talk to me, I'am scared. 

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Fear and anxiety are very common.  We’ve been thrust into a situation that was promising to give us so much happiness being turn from us.  We didn’t get a vote and many no warning.  Even with warning, it doesn’t make sense it’s happening to us.  I still spend much time wondering why us?  I’m sure every couple does.  I know my anxiety is intensified just knowing this is real.  My fear is how will I live my time left carrying the loss.  Also because it’s been found that loneiness is a threat to our physical well being.  It almost doesn’t make sense as I don’t want to be here without him.  When I came home last night from buying a new bedpillow (something we  reolaced every year) , I only had one.p.  It dawned on me I am 64 and I never had been here before but I always assumed every new phase he would be by my side.  I emptied another load of laundry with nothing if his in it.  I will have no one to see how the pillow, now singular, was in the morning.  I had to acknowledge I am scared too.  Every single day.  It’s just a sort if me now.  It was not something I wanted, expected and have to accept.....tho I do it kicking and screaming.  I admire those thatvdo this gracefully.

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10 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

"Is my friendship that meaningless and when things get rough, they disappear?"

ALL of our friends disappeared, further adding to the shock and grief I had to deal with.  I know I would not have done likewise to them.  I am still blown away that people can be like that.  I'm talking best friends!  
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

10 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

I just feel like I changed so much because of this

It does change us.  It's not all in negative ways, we can learn our inner strength, realize what's important and what isn't, develop understanding and compassion.  All of which we'd gladly trade to have them back!

People don't know how to respond to you, it's not that they value you less or don't like you anymore...it's about them, their fears, etc.  What they don't realize is that right now should be about YOU!  It is YOU who are going through the greatest loss and upheaval and we need them all the more then!

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I always assumed every new phase he would be by my side.

That is what we'd talked about, assumed, planned!  We were supposed to grow old together!

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On 6/30/2020 at 1:37 AM, Gwenivere said:

Fear and anxiety are very common.  We’ve been thrust into a situation that was promising to give us so much happiness being turn from us.  We didn’t get a vote and many no warning.  Even with warning, it doesn’t make sense it’s happening to us.  I still spend much time wondering why us?  I’m sure every couple does.  I know my anxiety is intensified just knowing this is real.  My fear is how will I live my time left carrying the loss.  Also because it’s been found that loneiness is a threat to our physical well being.  It almost doesn’t make sense as I don’t want to be here without him.  When I came home last night from buying a new bedpillow (something we  reolaced every year) , I only had one.p.  It dawned on me I am 64 and I never had been here before but I always assumed every new phase he would be by my side.  I emptied another load of laundry with nothing if his in it.  I will have no one to see how the pillow, now singular, was in the morning.  I had to acknowledge I am scared too.  Every single day.  It’s just a sort if me now.  It was not something I wanted, expected and have to accept.....tho I do it kicking and screaming.  I admire those thatvdo this gracefully.

I feel exactly like that, my loss was sudden, one minute we were hugging and the next, he was gone, I didn't have any warning and that image will always haunt me. I am 20 years old and I always wonder how am I gonna be able to live like this for so long, I actually don't think I will be able, everyday seems so difficult and I am emotionally and physically exhausted. 

I am so sorry for your loss, every action that does not involve him anymore seems impossible, but I know that this routine will eventually get better. 

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On 6/30/2020 at 8:01 AM, kayc said:

ALL of our friends disappeared, further adding to the shock and grief I had to deal with.  I know I would not have done likewise to them.  I am still blown away that people can be like that.  I'm talking best friends!  
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendships_b_2838996
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friendship-why-i-not-longer-hold-onto-relationships-that-no-longer-serve-me_b_8027096

It does change us.  It's not all in negative ways, we can learn our inner strength, realize what's important and what isn't, develop understanding and compassion.  All of which we'd gladly trade to have them back!

People don't know how to respond to you, it's not that they value you less or don't like you anymore...it's about them, their fears, etc.  What they don't realize is that right now should be about YOU!  It is YOU who are going through the greatest loss and upheaval and we need them all the more then!

That is what we'd talked about, assumed, planned!  We were supposed to grow old together!

Exactly, I always considered myself a great friend, I was there for them through thick and thin and now I find myself with very few people that actually care enough to stand by me even If I refuse to accept their help. 

People tell me that I have to take this as a lesson from God, but I find myself lost, why did I have to go through this to learn something, he was the love of my life, he didn't deserve it. But I have found myself stronger because after this, what else can go wrong, there is nothing worse than this. 

 

Thank you so much for the articles ❤️

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5 hours ago, Smpl0409 said:

 

People tell me that I have to take this as a lesson from God, but I find myself lost, why did I have to go through this to learn something, he was the love of my life, he didn't deserve it. 

 

Thank you so much for the articles ❤️

 I'm sorry they said you that. In my view, that kind of statement put blame on survivors. There is something that they did to "deserve" it. To love someone too much? And what about our beloved ones?  What is the lesson  to a mother who lost his son? I'm sorry but I cannot coincieve any of that, and to be said to someone so young. Having said all that, I think we can choose what to do with our pain. We can be vindictive, careless, selfish, cynical, bitter...or we can show compassion, affection, care and respect to those who struggle and suffer.  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lessons_b_5260513

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3 hours ago, scba said:

 I'm sorry they said you that. In my view, that kind of statement put blame on survivors. There is something that they did to "deserve" it. To love someone too much? And what about our beloved ones?  What is the lesson  to a mother who lost his son? I'm sorry but I cannot coincieve any of that, and to be said to someone so young. Having said all that, I think we can choose what to do with our pain. We can be vindictive, careless, selfish, cynical, bitter...or we can show compassion, affection, care and respect to those who struggle and suffer.  https://www.huffpost.com/entry/lessons_b_5260513

I know they didn't have any bad feelings towards me telling me that but That was exactly what I thought : what did I do wrong? And It is something that I still think about, I deal with a lot of regret and I am working on it but It is very difficult when you were with that person in his last moments and could not do anything to save him. I have always been very patient and caring but lately I am super irritable and careless, I know is part of grief, I just don't want to hurt anyone. 

By the way, great article, thank you. I just read it and this phrases shocked me: a lot of people told me this: 

• You must have really needed to learn about letting go.

• I hear loss like this makes you really appreciate the little things - it makes you stronger, too.

• I wonder if you made an agreement in a past life that you would learn about this stuff together. Or maybe you did something bad in a past life. Or maybe he did. 

• Think of how much nicer you'll be, now that you know how much pain people can be in. You've been on that side now, so you know.

• Well, everyone needs to learn how to be less attached. That's what all those Eastern teachings say. We're all too "attached."

I just thought to myself: really, the supposed "lesson" at his and my expense, does it really matter? I am grateful that I actually met the love of my life but just to heartbroken that I never even got to achieve our dreams together. 

 

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I just read the article and how true I is about how many people view what we are going thru.  Meaning....clueless.  Trying to assign lessons that lead to guilt?  Trying to downplay pain?  I’m feeling fortunate that I haven’t heard much of it and if has been thought of me, I haven’t known about it.  That would just be fuel on the fire.  No one needs that.  It’s a sad commentary about how grief is so misunderstood.

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