kayc Posted July 16, 2020 Report Share Posted July 16, 2020 Some move, some stay but if you can wait a while until you've had enough time to truly know what you want to do, it can help...for most of us, we are in a grief fog in those early months...or more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smpl0409 Posted July 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2020 I agree, grief fog can last a lot, I am still in shock, I can't accept I won't ever see him again. @TameraSanders I also think we were robbed from our dreams, I had so much things to accomplish with him, I can't see myself doing it without him and I can't wrap myself around the idea of being myself again, I know I will never be as happy as I was with him, I will never achieve my dreams. But I am trying really hard to keep up with this troubled life, I just hope I get the help I need because I can't do it alone. I know all of you can do it, you are not alone, this group has been wonderful. I also really recommend therapy, I made me see a lot. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smpl0409 Posted July 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2020 Life is a mystery, even with God, I have so many questions and anger, I have been avoiding memories, they are so painful. I am so scared to not be with him, he was my whole life. How can life be destroyed in a matter of minutes? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smpl0409 Posted July 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2020 5 hours ago, Kieron said: This is so very much on-point, Gwen, I wish I could upvote it 1,000 times. Tamera, you were robbed. We all were, in our respective experiences. 🙁 Wow, that article To Move Or Not: Making Decisions In The Wake of Grief contains this quote: "Waiting hurts. Forgetting hurts. But not knowing which decision to take can sometimes be the most painful. ~ José N. Harris That is exactly where I am at the moment with staying here or going somewhere else, as I said in another thread. 😟😟 It is so true, I feel lost, now what? he was my biggest motivation, I loved, learned, laughed so much and I just want that happiness back. I don't know what's next, I am scared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TameraSanders Posted July 17, 2020 Report Share Posted July 17, 2020 10 hours ago, Smpl0409 said: It is so true, I feel lost, now what? he was my biggest motivation, I loved, learned, laughed so much and I just want that happiness back. I don't know what's next, I am scared. Yeah. I feel like I can sleep forever. My head is so muddled and foggy right now. Another Friday it is. What am I going to do to distract myself beginning at 2 to not start thinking about what happened. To not think that he should have come back. To not understand why he couldn’t come back. To hurt for him that this happened to him. He was so sweet. He didn’t know. He didn’t have anyone with him. I just so hate this happened to him. He didn’t deserve it. I keep reading scriptures and prayers that say God has something great in store for me. Does that mean Richard was not great. What we shared together was not great. If that is the case, the only way to attain that greatness is for Richard to die. Richard is my first and last love, that itself was an answer to my long held prayer. I wish we could have a do over. I would drop ever to be with him, no questions asked. I just want want we had back. We deserved to finally have what we longed for and to finally be happy. I finally had someone who loved me unconditionally and wholeheartedly. Why did it have to be taken away from me. Do I not deserve to be happy. Do I not deserve to have a soulmate special love. Boyfriend, partner, mate, companion. Relationships never work out for me. There must be something wrong with me. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 17, 2020 Report Share Posted July 17, 2020 2 hours ago, TameraSanders said: There must be something wrong with me. No, this is not the fault of you, of course! We ALL deserve to be happy! This isn't about what we deserve, it's about what we got dealt. 2 hours ago, TameraSanders said: Does that mean Richard was not great. No, it does not mean that. That verse can mean what you had, are going to have or even our next life! Not being a Greek scholar I don't know if the tense retained in translation or what. Might be interesting to do a study on that verse with the surrounding scripture to get some revelation on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted July 17, 2020 Report Share Posted July 17, 2020 6 hours ago, TameraSanders said: Yeah. I feel like I can sleep forever. My head is so muddled and foggy right now. Another Friday it is. What am I going to do to distract myself beginning at 2 to not start thinking about what happened. To not think that he should have come back. To not understand why he couldn’t come back. To hurt for him that this happened to him. He was so sweet. He didn’t know. He didn’t have anyone with him. I just so hate this happened to him. He didn’t deserve it. I keep reading scriptures and prayers that say God has something great in store for me. Does that mean Richard was not great. What we shared together was not great. If that is the case, the only way to attain that greatness is for Richard to die. Richard is my first and last love, that itself was an answer to my long held prayer. I wish we could have a do over. I would drop ever to be with him, no questions asked. I just want want we had back. We deserved to finally have what we longed for and to finally be happy. I finally had someone who loved me unconditionally and wholeheartedly. Why did it have to be taken away from me. Do I not deserve to be happy. Do I not deserve to have a soulmate special love. Boyfriend, partner, mate, companion. Relationships never work out for me. There must be something wrong with me. Dear Tamera, what you wrote is very touching. I shedded tears. I had the same questions back them. I read them now and they were mine long time ago. I don't have any answer. It breaks my heart cause I wish I could offer a glimpse of wisdom about "that". I can't. All I can do is to tell you that I understand. I'm sorry about what I'm going to say but for today, what's been in store for you is that you got through another day. I know it is of no consolation, your pain is there and will be there tomorrow but for your family and friends and for those who care about you it is. The only words that helped me then were: One day at a time. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 18, 2020 Report Share Posted July 18, 2020 I hope you can turn this around as there is nothing wrong with you. I see a lot wrong with nature, politics, medicine, the world, how many treat others and more. I know there is nothing wrong with me that warranted this pain. I do often say 'why me?' Or 'why us?' But I know there is no answer. But I do know it isn’t because of some defect either of us had. If this were true, then all mourners would be unusual and we know that isn't true. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smpl0409 Posted July 18, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2020 I also scape from life sleeping, I know it is not healthy but I just can't get him out of my head and those last moments together. I know that the best people leave, I still can't understand that, he had so much hopes and dreams and I am sure your partner did too. I often have panic attacks and I was getting better with it but today I had one that felt awful, I was with my parents and I just found myself so scared and couldn't breathe, cried so much. I just thought about him and his eyes looking at him when he left, this is getting harder than I thought. My boyfriend was my true love and I ask God: What Am I going to do the rest of my life? I don't want to live, I am only 20 years old and I am supposed to live the rest of my life like this? I won't be able to. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss_my black Italian chef Posted July 19, 2020 Report Share Posted July 19, 2020 Hi all. I found this discussion group as I was looking for grief help. My boyfriend of 4 yrs died unexpectedly on fathers day. We were fighting so I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks. The night before he died he left me a ton of voice messages telling me how much he loved me and that our story wasnt finished. Tge autopsy results havent come back at least that's what his family is telling me (I wasnt close to his family). He lived with me for a year and a half. So being in my home, all I do is cry and see him everywhere. I'm made at myself, what if i called him that night, what if i didn't start the fight. Over the 4 years he didnt always treat me good, but every day he was being the better man that I knew he was deep inside. He brought a dog home that I now have, i love her very much but just keeps me thinking about him. I miss him so much. I have voicemails saved that I listen to just so I can here his voice. We actually buried him in the 31 year anniversary if my mom dying (didnt get to say goodbye to her either). We had all these plans, he was saving money for us. My family doesnt understand because they werent a fan. My best friend asked me if I was gonna start dating again. Hello hasn't been a month yet and he truly was my soulmate. Why does life have to be so hard 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 19, 2020 Report Share Posted July 19, 2020 Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping Why? Why Me? Searching for Answers in Grief 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 19, 2020 Report Share Posted July 19, 2020 @Miss_my black Italian chef I’m so sorry about your loss. It’s so natural you are asking for answers to 'what ifs' as you were estranged at the time. Those is us that weren’t still get those thoughts regarding how we tried to help and if we failed. Not that it helps much now, it will later, but this is normal in the beginning shock. Not knowing the cause is tough. If you had talked his last night it wouldn’t change biology, but it would have helped your heart. But you didn’t know or you would have called. You are in shock and guilt. I assure you, there is no guilt but it will take time for you to see it. I hope you find the cause (sounds like communication is a bit strained) and that will give you a better target than yourself and having changed things. I don’t think any death is complete. There are always things we wish we could have done no matter all we did. One member here’s boyfriend went for a jog and died. She could have never anticipated that. That’s like our soulmate getting in a fatal traffic accident. We don’t live fearing we will lose them unless it is a case of disease like cancer. The nost solace I can try to offer is you are feeling normal reactions, painful as thy are. the dating again comment is crushing. We all know how outsiders have no clue to how this changes us forever. As time goes by you will learn to protect yourself from those that think it can be fixed and you made whole again. Their intentions are good, but they are blind to how hurtful these comments are. They care about us but don’t know how to handle it any more than we do. It’s natural to try and help. You will have to tell them how and it might be to not say anything at all and just hold you as you grieve. Let you express anything and refrain from saying anything as it could invalidate your feelings at the time which will be changing constantly. Intensity will get worse or you go numb, you will experience your own journey. Friends need to accompany you as a partner, not to change you. You still have him in your heart and the dog he brought home. Voicemails. Knowing he loved you and you him. Memories probably too hard to turn to right now. I couldn’t look at my guys picture and listen to his voice for almost 2 years. They were etched in my head anyway. I had to scream and sob and curse the universe for taking him. It was all so unfair. If you think back, life wasn’t so hard when hey were here, it is this loss that makes it that way. Something I remind myself every day. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 19, 2020 Report Share Posted July 19, 2020 @Miss_my black Italian chef I am so sorry...I lost my husband on Father's Day 15 years ago...also sudden, unexpected. I'm sorry you were fighting, you know we all do sometimes. I hope you find comfort having his dog near. I'm also sorry people don't understand. They can't get what they've never experienced. Here...we do get it, we've all been through loss of our partner. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smpl0409 Posted July 20, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2020 @Miss_my black Italian chef I am sorry about your loss. I understand what your saying, we often get doubts about what we did wrong but remember those beautiful moments and don't think about what you should've done, death is sudden and I am sure you will find some kind of explanation with the autopsy. My friends often say comments about dating and going out, I get it, they want me to get better but I just don't see myself with nobody else, he was the love of my life. Take your time and don't feel the pressure to get better soon, everything will take time and effort. The memories will be very painful but remember that time helps a lot. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TameraSanders Posted July 21, 2020 Report Share Posted July 21, 2020 Why do I have to be going through this. Why does everyone else get to have someone and I don’t. I finally had someone like everyone else and it was fantastic and then he died. Why. Now I don’t have anybody. I don’t mean siblings or friends or children. I don’t have anyone to love and believe in me like Richard did and in return I was the same for him. We were best friends. Once again in my life I don’t have nobody and the sickening part is that I did have somebody but he’s gone. Not because we grew apart, but because he died. I was finally happy about life and love and positivity and felt so adored and cherished. The ache of it being stripped and taken from me is unbearable. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 21, 2020 Report Share Posted July 21, 2020 I felt that way too, Tamera, when my husband died. No answers...but I care and I'm sorry. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
widow'15 Posted July 21, 2020 Report Share Posted July 21, 2020 7 hours ago, TameraSanders said: Why do I have to be going through this. Why does everyone else get to have someone and I don’t. Tamera: After five years of being without my husband I still ask that question "why". I haven't found an answer either like kayc. I am sorry you have to go through the pain of losing your Richard. You are not alone here with us who care and have been on this path you are on now. Dee 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smpl0409 Posted July 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2020 @TameraSanders I have the same questions, we are always searching happiness and all of a sudden, not expecting, we find it in somebody that becomes our best friends, our partner that we thought we would have the rest of our lives, and in a couple minutes, everything changes, I will never understand why but we need to accept what we can understand and hold on to what we still have, people who care. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 22, 2020 Report Share Posted July 22, 2020 8 hours ago, Smpl0409 said: I will never understand why but we need to accept what we can understand and hold on to what we still have, people who care. Wise! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TameraSanders Posted August 3, 2020 Report Share Posted August 3, 2020 (edited) Reading the replies to the post @missy1965 started, I thought I would provide an update on my progress. I still don’t understand why this happened. But today, just around 6 or 7 weeks since Richard left, the deep unrelenting pain has subsided. But I still weep for him. I miss him like crazy. I would go with him with no questions asked if he appeared to me and asked me to come with him. His family and I are still struggling with what happened as the autopsy has not been received yet. That might provide a small amount of comfort as to why a heathy active 52 year old man would suddenly die. It still eats me up to think that he might have known something was wrong, he was afraid, I wasn’t there to hold him, hold his head, hold his hand kiss him. But I do know he professed his love for ME before he left that morning and the last time we spoke by phone that afternoon his intention was to come back to me when he was finished. I know where I stood in his head, heart and life. His family tells me he was the happiest he had ever been in the last 3 years that we were together.. We completed each other. We planned to be together for the rest of our lives. Oh how I wish I could go back to that day and change the outcome. I love and miss him so much. I am thankful to God that through my prayer to be in a committed loving relationship, God chose me to answer Richard’s same prayer, but God knew Richard’s case was special. It was and is my honor to love, cherish and make Richard happy and bring him joy. Lord knows he filled my heart and world with great joy. The deep grief I feel is a testament to how deeply he affected me. I posted in the presence thread that I had a dream of Richard and that he was giving me something and that I remember a huge smile and my heart sunburst. Like how babies smile in their sleep. I’ve told the few people I shared the dream with that I don’t know what he was giving me, but I do and I believe it was a ring. We went to look at rings 2 weeks before he died. We both decided we didn’t necessarily need to be married to be committed to one another, but in my heart I believe that he would have proposed. Last night I kept having the feeling that someone was in the bed with me, that someone was trying to get my attention. Again in my heart I believe it is my forever love finally with me. I bought a few bird feeders a few weeks ago. The birds finally found the feeders (as did a squirrel) and I get some peace watching the birds lite on the feeders and sing. I have a finch feeder and hummingbird feeder too but I haven’t seen any yet. Hopefully I will get to see them before the winter. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about work and my home. I wish they would let me continue to work from home for the rest of the year, but I doubt they will. It is therapeutic for me to be able to leave the computer and go off and pull myself together when I feel the overwhelming sadness come in me by the thoughts I continue having of what was, what was to be, just the thought that Richard is gone takes me to the mat and I just can’t keep myself together. And as I said sitting out watching the birds helps me too. I started worrying about what I’m going to do when the seasons change and I can’t do that anymore. I tell my self that the definition of one day at a time, one moment at a time, is not to think of something that is at least 3 months out. Let that handle itself when it’s necessary. I’m trying to get my eating and appetite back to somewhat normal. I have gone days not eating more that a bite and not hydrating. But the one thing I know Richard would be disappointed in me would be that I’m not taking care of myself and continuing to be active. I want to start back biking and walking like we used to do and I can’t do that until I get my energy level back up. I get lightheaded when I get up from sitting sometimes. Not sure if that is from not eating, dehydration or the 150 mg of Effexor, but I will keep an eye on it. So my heart still yearns for Richard, I still pray hard to God for me to awaken to life as it was with Richard with a different outcome, but I’m slowly moving forward. I still have pictures I can’t look at. I still have 2 suitcases full of clothes that were at his apartment that I can’t go through and definitely cannot ever wear again because pretty much everything is a trigger. I have the shoes he had on that day, a few of his t shirts from our adventures and a candle And picture of Richard in the bedroom. I touch or bring his shoes to my heart, I kiss and hold his picture to my heart, I talk out loud to him and a God through tears. It’s not enough to kiss a picture or hold some shoes and shirt but it’s all I got. I pretty much keep to myself. Don’t feel like I constantly need to be around people or “others” as some have suggested. I have all the company I need and want and that’s the presence of my forever love Richard. If I am a loaner for the rest of my days, it’s ok with me. Richard will be my forever love and I only exist waiting for the day to be called home by Jesus to be reunited with my forever love. Edit at 9:02 pm. I am crying myself to sleep. I miss him so much. I love him. Why did he have to leave. It makes me sick. Edited August 3, 2020 by TameraSanders 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 3, 2020 Report Share Posted August 3, 2020 It’s so hard to look at pictures like you posted, Tamera. You can see the love and happiness between you both. I have pictures like that and they cut to the quick going there as we had no idea what lay ahead. All was right in the world. And while we at least have them, you are right, they can’t return the physical feeling of being together. While I hate the loneliness, I’ve experienced being with people unfamiliar with this experience and it can be quite frustrating. So I get your wanting to be left alone. I’ve learned how to be around people and the act I have to put in as their lives move forward. Listening to plans but none to share anymore. Alone in the crowd of life. It’s so hard not to matter to that certain someone. Especially when they still matter that much to us. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kieron Posted August 3, 2020 Report Share Posted August 3, 2020 12 hours ago, TameraSanders said: I’m trying to get my eating and appetite back to somewhat normal. I have gone days not eating more that a bite and not hydrating. I know from experience that such a devastating loss often results in a disrupted appetite, but I would caution that hydration is all the more essential at this time, especially when there are the frequent tears and crying spells. I remember being incredibly thirsty during that time, and it made sense then and makes sense now. You do need to replace that lost moisture in the tissues, which will help you flush out your system as well. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shebert56 Posted August 3, 2020 Report Share Posted August 3, 2020 Tamera, I wanted to pop in to send you some love and positive energy. Beautiful photo of you and Richard. A lot of love there. You can search my posts for my story. Stephen's angelversary is coming up shortly. Two years. My how time flies. Sure we miss the physical, but their bright souls are always connected to us, always with us. That dream you had sounds like an astral dream. It is a way for our loved ones across the veil to get through to us, through the heavy of this physical plane and the heavy vibration of grief. You'll know the difference - dreaming nonsensical stuff or interaction with our loved one in dreams. I had one with Stephen where he told me he could only stay an hour, then when the hour was up, I didn't want him to leave. He leaned in and gave me a big hug, and when I woke, I could feel that hug on my physical body. The feeling, the knowing.... there was no doubt. Our loved ones across the veil want us to move on, to be happy. After all, they have learning and stuff to do on that side as well. You are starting your journey. Putting up feeders and noticing the birds and nature are great healers. So commune with them as much as you can. Sit in the beauty and calm. And know that Richard sits WITH you. Glad you are awakening to self care. Richard is NEVER disappointed in you. The soul holds no judgment, no disappointment, no regret - only pure love. Talk to him. He hears you. And he will rejoice when you get back to biking and walking. He's most likely nudging that thought to you. They do that! Totally understandable about the photos. I managed, in time, to bring some of those things back filled with love and not grief. Not all of them yet, but some. One hard part for me was that I moved from our home a few states away to be closer to family. For a few months, I hated my relocation. Stephen's "footprint" wasn't here, where in my other location I could visualize him everywhere. I am past that now. Because he's here with me sharing this new adventure as well. I seldom ask now why Stephen had to leave. Later I realized that his leaving was a spiritual awakening for me, one I would not have had otherwise. Along with the missing him is also the gratitude for his final physical act of love for me. I catch myself when I discover something new, or do something, saying I wish you were here with me or to see this. Because he IS here with me and sees. The veil is very thin. 💗 Richard will always be with you because the love never dies. It can be no other way. Continued healing and much love to you and Richard. ~Shirley 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 3, 2020 Report Share Posted August 3, 2020 Tamera, so beautifully written. You have his and your love to carry with you for the rest of your life, nothing can ever take that. I asked why plenty that first year...never got an answer, finally quit asking. I guess it doesn't matter why, it's up to me what's next, and I've been working on that ever since. I hope you do keep hydrated, you don't want dehydration! I had a friend that was always going into the hospital for that and having falls. Fill up a water jug and make sure to get it in every day. You will get back to your biking and he will be proud of you not only for that but for how you are handling all of this, you are doing your best. While I know grief is painful, I'm glad you got that beautiful love, so rare, so precious! 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TameraSanders Posted August 8, 2020 Report Share Posted August 8, 2020 My house guests for a few weeks. I’m fostering them. There is a smile, not as deep and soulful as the smiles I had with Richard, but it’s a start. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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