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I lost my boyfriend


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So cute, Tamera.  Nice to see a smile on your face.  I recently met a woman who is deeply involved with pet rescues.  I wish I could handle that being a codger.  Or, I have the worst maladies for that.  Animals have been proven to increase seratonin levels.  Fostering could lead to adoption.  Congrats on something to bring a little joy into your grief. 😻

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Tamera,

I loved reading about your journey to the place on the trail where he died, and placing flowers there. That sounds wonderful, and took a great deal of courage.

My friend who died last year lived in Europe, I live in the US. I visited his country last winter, and his wife took me to his gravesite. (We were fortunate that our spouses were very understanding and tolerant of our friendship.) I am Jewish (he was  not), and in accordance with our customs I wanted to leave stones on his grave. His wife worried that they would be removed by the cemetery caretakers, who would understand their significance, so she suggested I put them into the flower vase that was affixed to his headstone. I had brought the stones all the way from Israel, and I kissed them and placed them in the vase. I knew that was the closest I would ever get to him for the rest of this life.  I hope they are still there. 

 

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Tamera,

You have a beautiful smile and it's good to see it!  Yes, it IS a start, a good one!  I love the colors in your room!  May the kitties bring you much joy!  My Kodie (puppy) does.

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11 hours ago, razorclam said:

I hope they are still there. 

I hope so too!  That was special for you to do.

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@TameraSanders Wonderful. I have heard birds are often the way that our loved ones communicate with us, hold on to that. I saw the picture of you smiling, it is a great start, you can do it. Smiling doesn't mean you've healed but It shows you're strong. You are doing great. Those kittens will bring so much joy. I have a dog and it helps me a lot. 

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I can’t believe Richard is gone.  Why did he have to leave?  I wish this was make believe.  When am I going to wake up and he’s back here?  I’m so sad and weepy.  Not crying but weepy.  I’m watching Andy Griffith his favorite show.  I see his picture.    I miss his calls and his text messages.  Why couldn’t our happiness have continued?  He never would have wanted to leave and not come back.  The recall of the police at the door and how this nightmare began.  The thought of Richard being up on that trial alone.  Did he know something was wrong.  Was he in pain.  Was he afraid.  Did he think of me.  My poor baby.  I wish I was with him to comfort him.  My heart aches to think of him alone in pain and afraid and this happening to him alone and I wasn’t with him to hold his hand and comfort him, talk to him.  Why did this happen?  I just don’t understand.  He was coming back.

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I’m glad you are getting your questions out.  We’ve all been thru them and some we still carry.  At 6 years I still want to know why us.  I know I’ll never get an answer to satisfy me, but I can’t help it.  It will never make sense to me.  I think some of your questions will lessen over time, but you’ll never be free of wanting to know why.  I understand the biology of it, but even accepting that will never fill the void or fix the longing.

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Dear Tamera,  

 We never know why bad things happen to good people such as yourself and Richard. This won't diminish your longing -but does it count for anything  that he was hiking in the mountains, in God's country, doing what he loved? And although this makes it harder for the survivors, there is something very dignified about dying when still young, beautiful, at the height of one's powers, without having to suffer the indignation of a long decline in independence and cognition. My biggest losses in the last year -my friend/colleague at age 58 to cancer, and my father, at age 93 - illustrated both extremes. My wonderful, kind, brilliant father maintained his lifelong graceful demeanor throughout his long decline, but it was heartbreaking for us kids. My friend, although he was physically very frail, spent his last day reviewing his student's paper during his wakeful hours. The only thing he feared in his heroic fight with cancer was losing his mental acuity (to a morphine drip at the end staging), thank God he was spared that. 

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Tamera,

Yesterday I read someone's account of the book, Why Bad Things Happen to Good People.  He wasn't religious and the book struck him as such so of course it was discounted...I can understand that.  I got a different take on it when I read it years ago but it's been years ago and I'd have to read it again to refresh my memory.  What I have learned in life is that I have not gotten any definitive answers as to "why", I finally stopped asking, but it is natural for us to question it all, I just wish there was an answer that would satisfy us.  I don't think that exists or that we'd like or agree with it if someone could tell us.  Maybe that's why we don't get an answer, IDK.  I do know that life is unfairly distributed...why do my friends still have their spouses while I've been alone for 15 years?  Why indeed does someone good die so young?  No answers.  I am so sorry for the pain you are in.  :wub:

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Such good articles, I concur!  Platitudes do not do it for us.  Sometimes we just have to go through our grief, pain and all. :(

 

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What I hate is that there is no linear line.  So many twists and turns. I mostly feel I’m stuck.  I may take a step forward, but I inevitability get pushed back one and sometimes more.  Adding other life losses such as health and my dog make the walk against the wind harder. That I have to set up Medicare couldn’t be at a worse time.  These are things I know as fact.  I can’t will my way into doing things with the right attitude.  Long ago it was just a hassle I’d sigh about and dive in and settle.  Now my patience is about non existent and caring.  Part of me is dying to get them done and over.  But the doing is daunting.  My mind isn’t sharp from recent events.   I truly hate the rest of my body being changed, but my mind I value most of all.  I start to panic looking for anything I have control over to keep that part of me.  This is all overly amplified from grief.  Non stop, always shifting grief.  I used to walk on firm ground.  Now it’s thru sand and struggling.  I used to meet the days head on, now I hope they don’t find me hiding under the covers.  But they always do.  I so want to care and feel something positive.  The brief moments I get without pain are shadowed knowing as soon as I move it will return.  My latest anger is at my doc and a battery of invasive tests he ended with saying there could be cancer.  Who does that?  I’ve never had a doctor tell me the worst outcome so quickly.  Maybe he thinks I appreciate it or he is pushing me with a fear tactic, I suspect the latter as he knows I don’t want the tests.  I already live in fear, he knows that, so why add to it?  I know this is his job but other docs I've had said let’s try this and see where it leads.  Let’s not make any assumptions.  

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I hate that stuff because you can’t unhear it.  Cancer took Steve.  It’s my nemesis.  My anger.  My target for my wrath.  I also have no reason to fight it expect more pain.  To get back to this empty existence?  Hardly a motivator.  

So it all circles back to the big question in another topic......why?  

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When Richard and I first talked about being together permanently I would say what if it doesn’t work out fearing that I would get the short end of the stick.  He would say I could be the one leaving him and that frankly he doesn’t even think that.  Which I grew to trust and believe that I would always have him.  He would never leave me.  But he did.  And I wasn’t prepared.  And I replay in my head all the way back to when we innocently started what eventually became our best lives together.  It’s all gone and to never be again to create new memories.  And so I weep.

I used to NEVER take vacations.  One of the things Richard sought in a companion was to have someone to travel and do things with.  And he would plan the most simple and enjoyable trips.  So for the past two years we were always on the go.  Due to this stupid COVID and Richards leaving, I have not gone one place this year and don’t expect to either.  Hopefully eventually this COVID mess will end so next year I can at least revisit our favorite places we’ve gone and those he wanted to take me.  And so I weep.  

I went to a grief share meeting tonight.  Good to be among people who wholeheartedly feel the same way...how to recover from loosing a loved one; for me, it is trying to make sense of the nonsensical, unimaginable.  I can hardly look at pictures of Richard that I have saved as my phone wallpaper or the ones I have out in the house.  It just makes me think of what was but will never be again.  Grief is not always being a balled up heap crying under the covers (been there, done that).  For me, at this point, it’s trying to understand how to live without him and reconciling that with the fond, loving memories fresh in my head and heart. And so I weep.  

@Gwenivere I hope everything will be ok for you.  That doctor doesn’t seem to have a very good bedside manner.

 

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6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My latest anger is at my doc and a battery of invasive tests he ended with saying there could be cancer.  Who does that?  I’ve never had a doctor tell me the worst outcome so quickly.  Maybe he thinks I appreciate it or he is pushing me with a fear tactic, I suspect the latter as he knows I don’t want the tests.  I already live in fear, he knows that, so why add to it?  I know this is his job but other docs I've had said let’s try this and see where it leads.  Let’s not make any assumptions.  

Gwen:  Not clear why your doctor would use this method to persuade you to go through with additional test.  Sorry he left you with more fear.  Dee 

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Thanks Tamera and Dee.  Yeah, I didn’t want the tests as it was, but now I really don’t. 2 require sedation and I have no one to take me after and I’m in this mental place of not caring us I feel every day.  The most I did yesterday was write him about taking iron being just a change getting older and not eating healthy anymore.  I sure miss cooking healthy stuff.  Fresh veggies.  Used to be a big deal having corn in the summer.  Shucking it and so tasty.  The kids would help pulling off the lease and figured out how to eat it off the cob.  I’ll never forget those summer nights siting on the porch with Steve and we each held one turning it as they nibbled it clean.  Such laughing watching them.  *sigh*. This is why memories aren’t always good things.  Just makes me want to cry.

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Gwen, The doctor should never had said that.  You do not use the C word without evidence or facts to back it, not mere assumption or suspicion, it is one of the most feared and hated words there is, and all the more so with your history with it and Steve.  For years I wondered about my WBC count but the doctor never ordered any tests and I tried to push it out of my mind.  Now to find out it was because of my weight and Diabetes yet she never told me?  It's finally normal after YEARS of being high.  Sometimes I wonder about doctors.  I've learned so much from George's Diabetic site, I've learned much of what doctors tell us is wrong.  At least for Diabetics, I can't speak for everything but it's like my XH used to say, "Everything I have firsthand knowledge of that is in the news is WRONG!" I'm finding that true with medical things as well.  Try not to jump to conclusions or allow yourself fear without basis.  Realize there are often multiple possibilities for things...that's why Dr. Google can be a bad thing sometimes.  We all look, but try not to go to the worst possibility.  

I hear what you are saying...and about the brief moment in which things seem okay, grasp and hold those moments, even if a fleeting split second, sometimes I find that's all I have!  I have learned to appreciate what good there IS no matter how small or brief.  Kodie is a big part of that.  In two days I reach the anniversary of Arlie's death.  He is ever on my mind, just as George has been for 15 years.  I've never mourned and missed an animal in the same way and intensity that I do Arlie.  He was just so much a part of my life, so perfect for me, such a wonderful dog to know and have in my  life, I feel blessed for every moment II got with him.  But that makes the missing him all the greater.  My sweet boy, no matter how much time goes by, I still miss and love him.  I had the lawn guy come yesterday and he trimmed the area around the graves, it meant a lot to me.  Same guy offered to get my wood up on the deck once a week while I'm recovering if I get to have my surgery.  That's been a concern of mine and I appreciate it.

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@TameraSanders  George was my social director...I tend to be a nose to the grindstone, responsible person and he would always help me so we "could spend time together."  He was spontaneous and fun, he bounce out of bed in the morning, and say, "Let's go to the coast!" or "Let's go for a drive!"  I miss that.  We balanced each other, we fit so well together.  It seems my life is one of survival now, gone are our camping trips, drives, fun, being part of a "couple," having friends over, or visiting them, summer barbecues, all gone.

I'm glad you found a griefshare group.  It's a good way to make new friends who get it and learn in the process.

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9 hours ago, kayc said:

@TameraSanders We balanced each other, we fit so well together.  It seems my life is one of survival now, gone are out camping trips, drives, fun, being part of a "couple," having friends over, or visiting them, summer barbecues, all gone.

 

I so feel the same.

My life has been on survival since then

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  • 2 weeks later...

Checking in.  Life continues and I guess I’ve hopped back in the merry go round.  I feel like the grief fog has risen.  I can sit at my computer and work all day and not be overcome with sadness.  I’m eating and drinking more liquids.  I don’t weep for Richard as much as I did.  I guess the best I can do to keep his memory alive is the fresh flowers I place by his picture; that gives me a little tranquility.  Watching The Andy Griffith Show now, which was one of Richard’s favorite shows and it’s the loaded goat episode.  I know he would sit and watch and just laugh his hardy laugh.  We visited Mt. Airy a number of times and there is a restaurant there named The Loaded Goat.  I think it was the first time he took me to Mt. Airy that we ate there.  

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Hi Tamara Sanders I just wanted you to know I truly understand what your going through I'm actually going through it myself my fiance of 3 years found dead and gone forever I'm here for u and would really enjoy talking too you about what were going through matmybebwe can help eachother  in some way to get through this are at least cope with this devastation were left with I'm here for u my name is laura .God bless you 

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Thank you for checking in with us @TameraSanders and it's good to know you can make it through your day at work, that's huge.  Keep enjoying Andy Griffith, I imagine him there by your side, I love your sharing about his hearty laugh!

@Laurie echevarriaI thought about Tamara when I read your story, I hope you two can be there for each other...(((hugs)))

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