I lost my boyfriend

[TameraSanders]

My evening was rough.  I keep asking why he had to leave.  Why am I now alone when we were so happy together, when I was finally content and loved.  I am so alone, a loneliness that not just anybody can fill.  Only Richard can fill that void.  That emptiness that lying on the couch with him watching mysteries of the abandon, dateline, those two “yelling men” (Skip and Shannon, debating sportscasters on some sports channel) and discussing what we are watching in only the way he and I did, we were so close, filled.  I was fulfilled and whole with Richard.  I think of that morning when he said I love you.  So heavenly the way I received it.  Had I known then what I know now, I would have never let him go.  He was perfect that day.  So exuberant and happy.  I know in his heart he was so happy.  He loved me.  And I love him.  No man ever loved me and wanted to be with me the way Richard did.  For that I am truly blessed and thankful.  I wish he had more time for me to show to him how deeply I appreciated and cherished him and his love.  I just want to be with him again.  

[kayc]

I'm sorry Hon, I don't know that there's any answers, I never got any, I know they wouldn't have meant to leave us if they could help it.  They loved us.

[TameraSanders]

When am I going to feel happy again?  When am I going to not miss Richard anymore?  When am I going to recall memories and smile and not cry?  When will it not hurt anymore? I am so lonely.  Just not for anyone’s company, but specifically because I miss Richard so much.  No one will ever fill that hole in my heart and soul.  

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry, Tamera.  You are still asking the questions there are no answers for.  No one here or anywhere can predict what your path will be.  At barely over 3 months, you are in the thick of it that consumes everything about your life now.  Everything has changed and will never go back to what you once knew.  I know you desperately want it to.  Also what happens for one person may not for others.  We share our experiences keeping in mind ours will be uniquely ours.  We’ll find connection with some but not others.  The benefit here is we can share anything and people respect and validate it.  No right or wrong.  His death will not kill you physically (tho it can affect your health if you don’t take care of yourself for long periods), but it can and does kill your heart and soul,  You may adapt to living as half a person or you may find meaning from it and feel some happiness someday.  Just keep getting it out as each day is another step towards finding your way.  You’re where you should be for your time.  As are the rest of us.  Some still in heartbreaking pain, others a bit more recovered but never free from the loss and triggers.  6 years and my world is so drastically changed.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday. 

[scba]

Dear Tamera. I'm very sorry. Unfortunately we will miss them forever. That's for sure. It will take time to smile at memories, but a little bit of sadness is still there, because we still love them and miss them. 

It's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. There's no other way. I know how painful this sounds to you, when you are just at 3 months and feeling so much pain.

 

[kayc]

Tamera, I'm afraid the others are right, no one can say when, it depends on many factors, but it does take much time to process this.  I lost my dog over a year ago and still haven't reached the place where I can smile at memories, sometimes maybe but not always, it creates a wistful longing inside of me.  I think it's common to feel a mixture eventually, we love and miss our loved ones and long for them, and that hurts, but we can sometimes smile at fond memories or feel blessed for having had them in our lives for the time we did.  I sure wasn't up to smiling in the beginning months though!

[TameraSanders]

Hello to everyone.  Thought I would check in and provide an update.  Life is moment by moment.  I’ve started going back into the office and I have moments that I just want to get up and scream and holler.  I just don’t want to have todo life without Richard and especially the life I had with him, just without him like he never existed.  That makes me feel so ill.  So far have stayed covid free but the more I go back into the office and my adult son continues to make “play dates” with his fraternity bros, I hope that will stay true.  I will be able to have the vaccine.  Not sure if it’s the right think or if I should but I do know that we as a nation, world, cannot continue to live in the way we have.  Something has to give.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were pretty much a bust.  We interred Richard’s remains in the cemetery the day after Thanksgiving.  I’m glad that I now have somewhere I can go to visit him.  I sold my house on December 17th and I am living in an apartment temporarily while my new home is being built.  I’m super excited about this endeavor.  I thought long and hard about what am I to do not without Richard and the plans we had.  I decided I wanted to continue on with our plans of selling my home and starting our lives together with a combined home.  Richard is every step of the way with me as I progress with the development of our home.  It is in a active adult community with a lake and trails.  He would be proud that I am going forward and not retreating because he’s not with me.  I do it all for him.  I love him and owe him my ultimate dedication.  No regrets.  Now what I do regret are those cats.  Oh my gosh.  They just don’t stop.  They have a lot of maturing to do before moving into a new home with me.  I cannot have rambunctious kitties scratching up my floors and on my countertops.  Anyway I hope all are well and I wanted to wish you new year blessings.  

Edited January 2, 2021 by TameraSanders
Add a picture of the kitties

[Gwenivere]

Good to hear from you, Tamera.  I’m amazed at all you have done in this short time.  You sound good.  I know the pain is still there.  Glad you have a place to visit Richard now.  Tho we always carry them in us.  Having dogs always, I have learned that disruption and messes are part of the deal.  Will be good you aren’t alone.  Best wishes!

[kayc]

Ahh, and then you see them curled up sleeping and your heart melts!  Like my little puppy.  He's almost 15 months old now so not so little anymore!

You are doing a LOT!  And I hope your son can start being more cautionary, after all, COVID is NOT something he would want to bring to his mom!  I know at that age they can think themselves invincible.

You are handling so much and appear to do well...how are you FEELING?  We're here for you whenever you want to drop in!

So glad you have a place to "visit" him!  How long before your new home is ready to move into?

[TameraSanders]

I feel ok.  Still no joy in my heart, still sad, depressed.  It hurts me and makes me feel guilty when I laugh at something funny.  How can I be laughing when Richard’s not here anymore?  I was just reading a devotional which mentioned catching glimpses of God’s beauty and joy of creation and my mind wandered to thoughts of our trips to the mountains and how happy we were and how in awe of creation we were.  I just want my life back as it was pre June 12.  I want covid over and done with.  I want to have the joy and happiness in my heart again which shown brightly in my face and was shared to all.  Now I can bearly smile, not that anyone would see it trapped behind a mask.  And it’s just not a genuine heart smile.  He who made my heart smile is no longer with me.  I also read this in the forward of Healing after Loss which I started reading this new year:  “:::in addition to the poignancy of loss come the rush of love for the one we have lost and perhaps a sense that in the mystery of the universe, we still inhabit that universe together and are tied together in a love that cannot come untied.”  That is my deep desire and hope.  I hope he’s still with me.  

My house should be completed in March.  I am truly excited about it.  Still not a heart smile, but the thought of something new, a new trajectory for my life in my remaining years as God wills, gives me some comfort.  

And the kitties are just the cutest sweetest things when they are not being, well, kittens.  I know one day they will be cats who just sit and observe, but right now they are living life as they should.

[widow'15]

Tamera:  I am happy to see you are able to go forward.  I do earnestly believe that our loves are always with us.  You have taken on so much in such a short time I envy your strength and courage.  Your new home sounds lovely.  I understand your guilt feelings about smiling and laughing.  I found myself with those same feelings but because my husband's ability to enjoy life as he once did and his constant ability to make me laugh throughout our life together, I became to believe he would not want me to be unhappy and sad.   There are moments every day that I release my tears and think how can I go on.  Once the tears are dried, I feel him looking at me with his beautiful crystal blue eyes telling me to just take one step in a positive direction. 

I lost my husband over 5 years ago and I am just now at the point of making a change of my living situation.   Your selling your house and accomplishing the task of building a new home is quite amazing.  I have done that task in reverse with a lot of help from my son and son-in-law.   I had a small manufactured home built and placed on my son's property first, (a Gramma House) and soon will move from my present home.  The next big step is to sell within the next couple of months.  The pandemic created a lot of set backs due to county permitting offices being closed, workers unable to work, etc., etc.  A 6 months project turned into a year long project.

You are blessed to have a grown son, two beautiful fur babies, a new home, and are able to work and find contentment even though it may never be as perfect as when you and Richard were hiking together.   "May you live your life now as you should and have your heart smile".  Best to you, Dee

 

[TameraSanders]

It made it a lot easier to make the decision to sell and move forward with those plans because that is what Richard and I were in the process of doing before he died.  I had not yet put the house on the market as I was hoping to find employment first then move then sell.  Richard and I would look at Zillow finding houses that we liked that had what he wanted (a room for a man cave and 2 car garage) and just enough of a yard for me to plant a small flower garden so we could have fresh flower cuttings in the house.  We were going to stay in his apartment until his lease expires in May and then be ready to move into our forever home together.  And then Covid hit, and no one was hiring and Richard died.  I’m just continuing on with our plans.  I couldn’t imagine coming back and living in my home, which to me would in effect be giving up; not doing what he and I wanted to do and instead settling thinking that was all that was left for me to do.  For once in my life I wanted to do what I wanted to do and not allow fear to freeze me as it had done in the past.  I am literally taking the leap without knowing the next step but I’m trusting God to sustain and guide and carry me, along with Richard’s spirit encouraging me.  I feel good about this decision.  If I have learned anything from this whole tragedy, it is that life is fleeting.  So much here today gone tomorrow occurred in 2020.  Richard’s moto was get busy living or get busy dying.  I don’t know how many days are left for me, and while I don’t want to live without Richard, I know I have got to live.  I want to live the life we planned together without fear.  I miss my best friend, my love, my man.  

[kayc]

Tamera, I thought of this article when I heard you talking...I went through the same feeling when in early grief and read an article that really helped, I wish I'd saved it but it was before I started collecting them.

http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/

I do admire your efforts in the face of adversity.  I know it's not easy, no part of this is. 

 

[MartyT]

On 1/2/2021 at 11:16 AM, TameraSanders said:

It hurts me and makes me feel guilty when I laugh at something funny.  How can I be laughing when Richard’s not here anymore?

In Grief: Feeling Guilty for Feeling Happy  (including related articles listed at the base)  ❤️

[TameraSanders]

Coming up on a year.  Already.  I miss Richard today just as much as I did when I realized he was gone.  Still wonder why.  Still feel the twinges of hurt when I see couples together and remember how I was part of a couple.  Richard holding my hand, me low key proud that he was mine and I was his when people saw us together.  Saturday is the 12th, but Friday is the day that is indelibly burned in my memory.  What started out as a day full of promise, hope and happiness would end in tragedy, trauma and disbelief.  I would make the long lonely 1.5 hour drive home in shock.  How could this be happening?  Why is this happening?  What happened.  What’s going on.  Where’s Richard, why are we not together on this Friday evening like we always are.  Why is he not here.  Why are things different.  Little did I know that morning when he held me and looked me in my eyes and told me he loved me that it would be prophetic and the last time.  I knew it felt different from every other time he’s uttered that sentiment.  Little did I know when he called me at 2:19 pm it would be the last time I would hear his voice.  Oh how I miss him.  How I wish I could hold him again.  But through the pain that lingers, I have come to an epiphany.  How blessed I am.  How blessed I am that God chose me to be the last person Richard would be with, the last person he would talk to, the last person who would make his last 3 years on this Earth happy and loved.  Oh how thankful I am to have been the one.  I believe that none of this journey, from Richard reconnecting with me, to me being slow and methodical and both of us being intentional in letting down our guard, becoming vulnerable to take a chance and allow ourselves to love, to love one another.  I miss Richard.  And I would do it all over again.  I have so many precious sweet memories.  He is smiling and laughing in all.  I’m glad I could make him happy.  I am thankful to God for blessing me with Richard.  Richard, until we are together again, please know that I love you and always will.  

[widow'15]

Tamera, beautiful words and thoughts shared by you for your Richard.  My thoughts are with you as you face the year anniversary of your loss.  Hugs, Dee

[kayc]

Tamara,

I'm glad you're here and having positive outlook/attitude with a spirit of gratefulness for what you shared.  Thinking of you as you face this...

Anniversary of Death
Anniversary of death tips
Anniversary of a Loved One's Death
Grief Healing: Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief

 

[razorclam]

Tamera,

    You are a compassionate and articulate person, managing your pain with grace and courage.

    Your words help me alot. I too feel privileged to have been the person my friend chose to love and comfort him through his terminal illness.

    

 

 

[Kieron]

Touching tribute.  💖