Taboo subject?

[Selfloathing]

Hi all, brand new here.

i have been searching the web in vain for some information on this to no avail.

i am a 61 year old male, my wife of 62 is suffering from a rare, progressive, terminal disease, diagnosed about 6 years ago. 

My wife is literally skin and bones, vein definition and body fat a bodybuilder would give pretty much anything for. She has lost about 1/3 of her body weight, from about 150 lbs to below 100, sex has been non existent with us the last 5 years, she is totally against it (for obvious reasons). Now here’s the part no one talks about. I still desire her desperately even though we last had any form of sexual contact about 5 years ago, any form of sexual contact would be awesome. Am I alone in this? Am I abnormal? I’m becoming obsessed with this.

i hope I don’t get judged too harshly 

[MartyT]

My friend, the fact that you still have desire for sexual contact with your wife is not abnormal, and I hope you will stop judging yourself for being human. As with any other issue in marriage, this is something that requires open and honest communication with your wife. If you find yourself unable to share your feelings and concerns with her, I strongly encourage you to find a qualified therapist or counselor to guide you. I can assure you that you are neither abnormal nor alone in your concerns. See, for example, Grief and Sexual Intimacy  ~ including the articles listed at the base.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Selfloathing said:

Hi all, brand new here.

i have been searching the web in vain for some information on this to no avail.

i am a 61 year old male, my wife of 62 is suffering from a rare, progressive, terminal disease, diagnosed about 6 years ago. 

My wife is literally skin and bones, vein definition and body fat a bodybuilder would give pretty much anything for. She has lost about 1/3 of her body weight, from about 150 lbs to below 100, sex has been non existent with us the last 5 years, she is totally against it (for obvious reasons). Now here’s the part no one talks about. I still desire her desperately even though we last had any form of sexual contact about 5 years ago, any form of sexual contact would be awesome. Am I alone in this? Am I abnormal? I’m becoming obsessed with this.

i hope I don’t get judged too harshly 

No not at all!  No judgment here, and nothing taboo.  I doubt there's anything hasn't crossed the rest of our minds too when we've had a healthy marriage relationship we don't just stop wanting them when they die or get terminally ill.  More than anything I miss my husband holding me though.  It's been 15 years since he died.  I wish I had an answer for what to do with your feelings, it's hard, I know.  I would not push it feeling as she does, though, but channel it into loving her in ways you can, such as holding her, so long as it doesn't hurt her.  That is a lot of weight loss.    

[Kieron]

I would like to respectfully point out one thing you might not have noticed.  Your final sentence in this post is this:

3 hours ago, Selfloathing said:

i hope I don’t get judged too harshly 

Does it make sense that you ought to include yourself in that request?  This, plus your choice of username, tells me that you may be harshly judging yourself for wanting something that is natural: the human need for intimacy which is as important as shelter, food and water.  If you look up Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, you will see this was identified ages ago in human development. 

This Western society we're in has deep and long-lasting issues with sex and with death, and it's probably part of everyone's upbringing to be a little uneasy with these two profound matters.  As Marty says, it requires open and honest communication and we're usually not taught how to do that around such important matters, not even with our spouses.  Also, as people age and deal with health issues, it's pretty common to notice wide differences in interests and needs, and since everyone is an individual, it's important to remember "one size fits all" is *not* reality.

I hope you'll read those articles Marty linked to. 

[Selfloathing]

Hi all and thanks sincerely for the feedback. Haven’t yet got to read the articles mentioned, but have every intention of doing so. 
I have tried to raise the topic a few times but it didn’t go well, so now I think I Will abandon any hope and just accept it, hard as that may be. It will not diminish my desire for her but will at least relieve frustration in hoping I might get lucky. Accept that cuddles and hugs will be all and, To be crude, I guess I will have to be satisfied with mrs Palmer 

[kayc]

@Selfloathing  We did not know my husband had heart trouble, he did have diabetes but we'd always had a healthy sex life...until two weeks before he died.  He couldn't and we laid in bed afterwards and he quietly said, "Cuddling's not bad..." and I said, "No George, it isn't."  And I knew how far he'd come to accepting the limitations that older age and medical conditions put on us.  It was a very peaceful accepting moment.  It wasn't sex that drew us to each other, it was one another, our spirits, who we are.  And it wouldn't be sex that drove a wedge between us...nothing could, not even death.  It's been 15 years now and I miss him each and every day.  What I wouldn't give to be able to lay in his arms one more time!  The best feeling in the world, and it's been 15 years since I've experienced that.

Try not to think about what is to come or how you will handle it, try to stay in today, feeling grateful for any time you have left with her, getting through the hard times as they come.  Our grief journey evolves, it doesn't stay the same, thankfully.

[Selfloathing]

Life loves throwing curveballs doesn’t it. Yesterday was a trigger day for me, got through it very well though, happy about that. I didn't mention before, I have suffered with severe treatment resistant depression most of my life coupled with PTSD from army days. I also suffered a stroke in one eye a few years back, consequently have about 10% vision in that eye. Then, last night, we find out my son's girlfriend, who seems to be very good for him,  has a relapse of cancer, apparently very aggressive and a rare form. She is going to be having a double mastectomy, chemo etc. 
Now my son has to cope with a dying mother and a gf with, in my opinion, very slim prospects. He is also a depression sufferer. 

f****** sitting here bawling my eyes out. 

Fun just never stops 

[kayc]

I am so sorry about your son's GF, that is very hard.  I pray for grace for him to get through this time, I wish there was some way to protect our kids from all the pain, but know of none.  My daughter's husband filed for divorce at Christmas and moved out a few days ago but did not pay any of the June bills, leaving her in the lurch.  They've been together since 2000, married since 2009.  Her heart is broken and nothing I can do, she's 38 and he stole her youth and childbearing years, her dreams for a family...gone with him.  Sometimes life sucks, doesn't it!  We don't get a say so in much of what happens, leaving us to feel powerless.  We can't control what comes our way, only our response to it.  For that I am glad because I can choose to remain positive, employ survival skills in the hard times, and keep looking towards my hope.  Even alone.

I'm sorry you had a trigger day, I have known those as well although not as much now as in the early years.  Hoping your day goes better today.

[Selfloathing]

Hi All, still hanging in there 👍.just wanted to say thanks for the support. Still battling but at least I know I’m not some kind of pervert or abnormal. Battling to come to terms with the fact that “that part” of our marriage is over. It hurts! I should be grateful she is still alive and kicking but I’m obsessing about this. S’pose having depression doesn’t help much either.

[MartyT]

You are not abnormal and you're not alone, my friend.

I'm hoping that you might find these articles helpful ~ and note the additional resources listed at the base of each: 

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipating the Death of a Spouse

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

[kayc]

I remember feeling some of the same things, at 52 I wasn't ready for my love and sex life to be over all of a sudden when my husband died!  But...no choice.  Now 15 years later I can honestly say I've learned to live without it.  I miss him though, a lot.  I think what I miss the very most is his holding me and us being able to talk about things.  He was the most caring man I ever met.