His Birthday

[Charlie]

Hi all,

I am feeling so desperatly sad, July 1st would have been his 68th birthday. I always looked forward to it so I could surprise him with something he liked. My Charlie loved to make things from wood so a new woodworking tool was always a good choice.

It has been 21 months now so close to 2 years I cannot believe I have survived this long without him. I thouhgt by now I would be so much better at handling this but lately I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression and sadness that I wonder if I will get thru another day. Right now as I type these words I cannot control my tears and i wonder if I will survive another day.

I am trying so hard to build a life without him but nothing seems to bring me any happiness and my salvation somtimes is sitting here pouring out my heart to strangers who understand the pain.

Thank you for being there.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38-10/20/04

[WaltC]

(((Grace))) - I understand that pain and I truly wish that I could help. I don't know if building a new life is an option for an old codger like me who only had one true love in his lifetime, but I do wish you well.

An unknown Author wrote:

I never thought I could go on living when you died, but ~ I did.

I never thought I would survive after burying you, but ~ I did.

I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months, but ~ I did.

Always missing you,

always loving you,

and thinking of you daily,

with a smile on my face ~

and tears in my heart.

Ted Menten wrote:

“If we are loved and remembered, then we live on forever in the hearts of those who love us.”

So it seems that our departed spouses will live on forever in our hearts - and that is right and good - even though it does hurt.

[Charlie]

Walt

Thank you for your kind words and those words " I never thought I could go on living when you died, but I did "

Like you I was married for many years and knew my husband my entire life so change is so very hard for me. I do not know how to be a single person making decisions on my own. We were a team and now going it alone is so different for me.

I thank you for all your supportive words to everyone on this site Just to know someone else feels this pain and understands makes it a little more bearable.

Thank you

Grace

[LarrysGirl]

Grace, I wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I have read your posts many times since I've come to join this group of wonderful hurting people. I have looked to the ones that have come before me for insight and miracle words that will help to go through this pain. It sometimes makes me afraid that when I get to those special anniversaries that I, too, will not be able to survive but then I see all of you, pressing on, and as difficult as it is, still coming back and making it thru. When I feel it is just to hard to hang on, I come here. So I'm asking you to come here on His Birthday and we will be with you to comfort you and to help you on that special day. Deborah

[Guest PattiZ54]

Hi Grace. My heart goes out to you! It's been a little over 19 months for me, as you know, and I really understand what you are saying. I have been having a rough time these last few days, too. When things go wrong I start crying - I just get so frustrated that all I can do is cry. I've been trying to help my daughter move and to find a frick'n cardboard box in this town is like pulling teeth. I've tried the grocery stores, Walgreens, Lowes, etc. and NO ONE has empty boxes any more. When I do get someone that says they will save them for me, I go to get them and they tell me that someone else has already crushed them. This has been happening to me over the last few weeks and once I get away from the store I burst into tears. All I want is to have my Charlie back so I have someone to talk with when I get frustrated or irritated or mad or whatever. I have a bit of a "short fuse" and he was always so good at calming me down - I miss that. I just miss having my best friend, my long-time friend, here with me. He was everything to me, as I know they were everything to all of you. I don't know how we get through these "meltdowns" - I guess we just do.

I wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in feeling this way. You and I are on about the same timeframe and having our husband's have the same name, I feel close to you. WE will get through this for our Charlie's! You and me! To start with, here is a big hug <<<<<<grace>>>>>>>. I know it doesn't feel the same.....but it's the best I can do for now.

I will have you in my thoughts. Take care - "talk" with you soon.

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004; I love & miss you, Dear!)

[kayc]

Oh wow, I can relate to so much of what you all say. Grace, we are here with you as you go through his birthday again...I just went through that. It is very hard, getting through those days that would be so special if only they were still here to go through it with us. Nothing is ever truly the same again...we just have to find some way through it, some way that works for us. I have a friend who lost her husband nineteen years ago and she remarried five years ago and she still has those "hard days"...his birthday, death day, etc. I thought it was a big hurdle, this surviving the whole first year, and was a bit dismayed to find it just continues on even in the second year...I am sure the first year has to be the worst for you're still learning how to even do it, but the second year...the missing is still there, the pain continues.

I can so relate to the meltdowns "Charlie" speaks of...for I have been feeling like that myself. George was so easy to please, he looked at me so adoringly, he loved me so much, he thought I could do no wrong...and when I was stressed out over something, he always understood and cared and knew just how to handle me...he'd empathize and he'd put his big strong arms around me and hold me and he'd assure me and encourage me. I love him so much. The missing him, the hole he's left in my heart goes on and on and on and no one will ever fill it. This weekend I had company and I spent a day going to town (I live in the country) and getting groceries and going to a local farm to buy a flat of strawberries. I was up until midnight making a strawberry pie and putting away groceries, and cleaning all of the rest of the berries. The next day I spent the day cooking, I made a double batch of my mother in law's famous buttermilk (yeast) pancake batter, I made a wonderful cobb salad and chicken parmesian and linguine and "sauce"...my company didn't show up and I was very distraught. The following day I got awakened by my company and I started making the pancakes. I was told "how a person is supposed to make pancakes" (I've only been doing it for 37 years) and I got so stressed out I overcooked the eggs and the pancakes were too "done". I burst into tears...I was thinking how much George always loved everything I made and how perfect he always thought I was and I knew I'd never have that again and I missed him...I thought about those times when I'd had "kitchen flops" and he never saw it like that, him and my son always loved whatever I made and assured me that no matter what I thought, they thought it was wonderful. I cried and cried and when my daughter was up she commented that she knew what was wrong, what was bothering me and I nodded yes to her...she knew, I just miss George. I will always miss George. No one has their way like him.

Edited June 26, 2006 by kayc

[Charlie]

July 1st, well that day was a sad one. My grandaughter's birthday too so we had to celebrate it without her beloved "PaPa". We used to have a double birthday party for her and grandpa, but now the cake only had candles for her.

We sang happy birthday and as much as I tried to hold back the tears they silently rolled down my face remembering all the birthdays we had together, and all the ones we will never celebrate, but my Charlie will always be in my heart every July 1st.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 - 10/20/04

[LoriW]

Charlie and all of you missing those you loved so much,

I wish you all warm hugs. I have not lost a spouse but I lost my Mom very suddenly on Nov. 30, 2005....just a little over 7 months ago.

I visit your forum often and admire your courage and stregnth and I believe each of your beloved would be proud of you! I come here in hopes of how to help my own Father who lost his one true love, my Mother. Just kids when they married and yet not old when she left this world. I try to find things he may be feeling and how he may be handling this magnificent loss. I ask him but I don't know if I get his true feelings, as if he doesn't want to upset me.

I write because my Mother's birthday is this Saturday. Our first without her actually being here. My Dad will not have her to be with on her special day....the first in over 45 years. My heart hurts for him and me....because I miss them together. Sometimes I feel things are getting to a new "normal" and then I see him without her and it's as if I feel his lonliness....his other half gone....However, I know my loss is no where near his...but...I cry for him too. I miss her...I get upset that I go to the cemetery now on special occasions....I will go Saturday, what would be my Mom's 63rd birthday and put a balloon around the pretty purple silk flowers I put there just 2 weeks ago. Then I will drive to my Dad's and go to mass with him in her memory...maybe just being with him will help me...and help him.

I hope you don't find me intruding into your space....I just want to say that I have learned a lot from you all....about love, loss, commitment and longing. I wish you well...I still plan on visiting now and then.

[Charlie]

LoriW,

Please come here often, you are indeed feeling great pain too and we are all here for you. I have 3 daughters and when ever I talk about their father I see the pain on their faces. We too were childhood sweethearts since we were 5 years old, dated in high school and married at 17 & 19. We were married 46 years when cancer took him from me, so I really understand the pain your father feels inside losing someone who has been a part of his life for so many years. The only advice I can give you is to be their for him because his life is so lonely and desperate now and he probably does not feel like he is part of lfe itself anymore.

I am sure he is feeling so much more pain inside than you will ever imagine, I do not let my 3 daughters or my son really know how I get thru each day because I do not want to add to their pain. All I can tell you is that the love of family is what gets me to go on despite the emptiness.

Come here often, just to let out your feelings, it helps, and we all understand.

God bless you

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 -10/20/04

[kayc]

LoriW,

You are not intruding, not at all, please come here as often as you desire. Your father is fortunate to have so caring a daughter. I feel so much as I hear you and "Charlie" speak of such a long marriage, a lifetime together really...I can't imagine how hard it must be after being together so long...and yet a part of me feels envious because I only got to be married to my soulmate, my love of a lifetime, for three years and eight months...and we were everything to each other. I don't know which is harder...to lose your love after a lifetime together, or to be gypped of your love when you felt you only just began...but either way...it's hard. I hope you find some help on this site, at least you will learn how your dad might possibly be feeling. I wish you both the best in your loss, esp. around her birthday and other special days.

[Charlie]

kayc

I wonder too what loss is greater, to have lost someone you have spent your entire adult life with or be cheated out of all those years of happiness. I do feel in some way so very fortunate to have had such a wonderful husband, father, soul mate and friend for so many years and I am very grateful for that, but I was not ready to give it up and I really do not know what life really is without someone I started out with so very young. I am trying to adjust to a whole new life, I am a different person now and I really do not know this person I have become. So dependant, so vulnerable, so sad. This is not who I was when Charlie was by my side.

I am so sorry that you did not have very many years with the one you loved, but each day, each year left its mark on your soul and you will carry that love however short lived with you forever.

I know they are watching over us till we join them

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 -10/20/04

[kellymarie]

Grace and Kay, I was reading your stories of your lives with your loved ones, your soul mates, from 46 years to three years and eight months. It just got me thinking; I spent one year with the person I so passionately felt was my soul mate. I'm the opposite end of the spectrum. Yet being so young (27) and being that year was the most intense year of my life, I feel that I am now a different person, too, and I really don't know who I'm becoming. And your words about each day leaving a mark on your soul, I feel that each day I spent during that year with Josh has left an indelible mark on my soul. And since I am really at the beginning of it all, I have been changed in ways from this relationship that will change the course of my entire life. But to come full circle, the gentleman I was sitting next to during my grief support group had known his wife for 56 years and married for 54 of those years. So I began to feel somewhat guilty for showing up to the support group. But this wonderful man was able to make me feel so accepted and verified my grieving. He was able to reach across our years and make me feel as if it didn't matter if it was one year or 56 years with our loved one. It was simply the fact that our loved one had died, and that we had to continue our lives without them. His kind words have made such a world of difference to me during my grieving process. I just thought I would share my story and my experience from the other end of the spectrum. Kelly

[kayc]

You are so right...it's not about how many years you got to spend together, it's more about how much you were to each other, and the more deeply you loved, the more keenly the loss is felt...but also, the more entwined your lives were, the greater the adjustment is demanded of you. Every time I walk out on our back deck and see our porch swing, it hits me so hard...we were supposed to grow old together in that porch swing, watching the hummingbirds come to feed, looking out at the stars together, feeling the night air, laying our heads on each other's shoulders, always, holding hands...now it looks so empty. Even my cat that took residence on that porch swing is gone. It's the emptiness that's so hard. I would that I could cry out to my love and he could hear me! Where is he, this love of mine! How can anyone so big in life vanish into nothingness! I know he exists, I know he is in the heavens, but I cannot reach him! I long to cry out to him, even if I cannot touch him, I long to hear his answer. I listen for it in the wind, in my dreams, but who am I fooling? It is his beautiful voice I long to hear, his eyes I want to see!

[Charlie]

kayc & kelly,

Its not about the years, its about the love, the loss, the pain, the emptiness.

we are all so fortunate that we had that kind of love that has left its mark. There are so many people I have seen thru the years that never experienced that kind of love and I feel so sorry for them for what they have missed.

Even though we are so lost without them, we should count our blessings.

God bless you both

Grace

[kellymarie]

KayC and Grace, Thank you for your kind words. I do think I see what you mean about how entwined your lives were demanding a greater adjustment. Our lives were not nearly as entwined; a factor of our youth. And thank you also for the idea that we are so blessed to have known such a love and connection that others have missed in their lives. I do need to remind myself of how fortunate I am to have experienced such amazing feelings of true connection. I just feel hopelessly confused and lost; if I have felt this and we were, in fact, soul mates, and now Josh has died, where does this leave me? I always thought that some day I would be married with children with the one true love of my life. I always believed in love at first sight but I only believed in soul mates after having met and loved Josh. I just don't know where this leaves me. I guess I have many years to figure it out... Kay, your words, your longing for your love, just makes my heart cry for you. From both of your stories you have shared with us here and your loving words of your George and Charlie, I can feel the depths of love and warmth in your hearts. I am often in awe in the true depths of other's human nature. You are an inspiration.

[kayc]

Kellymarie,

You are so young to have to go through this...don't even try to compare your loss to someone who has lived their life with their mate though, your loss is just as great to you, none of us can compare, we all experience our losses and each one is paramount in our own hearts. Love at first sight is a "start" but it is consideration and respect and little kindnesses and grace that grows love into something truly powerful and worthwhile...and those are things built with effort...although some people are so easy to love it seems effortless to love them. Perhaps someday you will build a life with someone and have a family...right now it's too hard to think of...there are seasons in life. But if that happens, don't try to compare that person to Josh or expect him to be at all like him...what you had with Josh is gone forever...until you meet at last again, but if you build something with someone else at some point in your life, it must be uniquely yours and his and you must start from scratch and remember to apply that effort. You will always carry you and Josh's love in your heart and for the rest of your life you will carry with you the remembrance that you are loved...I say "are" not "were" because I don't believe it diminishes when they die, but rather we are no longer able to see each other face to face and tell each other, but it is still there, it is in our hearts, in our faith, in our hope, in our memories, and it is forever and it can never be robbed from us, no matter what. Try not to worry about your future, it is natural to wonder, but it will take care of itself in due time, please believe that. Right now it is hard to imagine and that's because this is all so fresh, so intense, so hard. Just be very very kind to yourself and so full of grace, that is what Josh would want for you. Each of us who have loved so deeply must be very thankful that we have had this and cherish it in our hearts for safekeeping.

[Charlie]

kellymarie,

I am glad our words have given you some strength, but the inspiration came from them, from the men we loved and how we felt that love come thru every day. I cheerished every day I spent with my Charlie, he made life fun, he made life worth it all. His inner strength gave me strength, never really knew that when he was alive, but now that he is gone, I understand.

Words from a beautiful song by Josh Groban I heard just recently took on new meaning. Its about how a loved one looked at life and you could not see it until they were gone. His words "They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they will listen now". Kinda of how I was about life, always took it for granted until I lost him, but he always understood the value of life and looked passed the daily struggles.

I hope someday to find that inner strength he had, and I hope you find it too.

God bless you in your struggles to ease this pain

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 -10/20/04

[kellymarie]

Kay and Grace, Thank you again for your kind words. You definitely said some things I need to take to heart. There are seasons in life, and I should put more trust in that. I guess I do have enough to worry about now, in the present. It's just so hard to quiet the "whys" and "what if's" that run through my mind and trouble my heart. It is so beautiful about what you said about Josh and mine's love always being carried in my heart. And especially the fact that I am still loved and will always be loved. I hadn't thought of that; it's comforting to think that for the rest of my life, no matter what, I will always be loved by Josh and nothing can change that. It's comforting, warming. Josh will go through my life with me although he's not here, a tough, disturbing yet comforting concept. I will also have to put away your words about if I start something with someone else in the future; also things I had not thought about but may need to take to heart some day. Also, I will have to find that song from Josh Groban. My Josh definitely had a very unique spirit and outlook on life. He saw the world without limits, no endeavor impossible. He went for that "impossible" career. It was often so hard for me to understand his thinking; but thankfully, I always supported him and never tried to change him. I am the opposite; we often said that we complemented each other. I am very practical, follow the path. But now that Josh has died, I see the value in his outlook on life. Since life is short, especially as Josh's life was, it is important to live each day with intention, and to choose a career you are truly passionate about. Since Josh has died, I am trying to "listen" to Josh and his outlook on life. I have realized other aspects of my life are more important than my career, and I am making changes so that one day, my life will be a rich as Josh would have hoped for me. Also, I only hope to be an ounce as passionate about so many things in life as Josh was. Josh lived life with every emotion to the fullest. I will try to "listen now." It's just so hard, and I think it will take much time, effort, and pain. Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. Kelly

I've been thinking more about what you said:

"You will always carry you and Josh's love in your heart and for the rest of your life you will carry with you the remembrance that you are loved...I say "are" not "were" because I don't believe it diminishes when they die, but rather we are no longer able to see each other face to face and tell each other, but it is still there, it is in our hearts, in our faith, in our hope, in our memories, and it is forever and it can never be robbed from us, no matter what."

I just realized how liberating that is. I've been holding on so tightly to Josh, his death, our loss, my grief, afraid to let go. But if what you say is true, Josh will always be in my heart, forever, no one can rob it from me, then I'm okay to let go a little of my pain. Because no matter what I do, Josh will always be there, in my heart. I think, for the first time since the minister at Josh's funeral told us to fill the void of Josh in our lives with hope, I have felt hope.

[WaltC]

The name of that Josh Groban song is Starry, Starry Night Here are the lyrics:

Starry, starry night

Paint your palette blue and grey

Look out on a summer's day

With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

Shadows on the hills

Sketch the trees and daffodils

Catch the breeze and the winter chills

In colours on the snowy linen land

Now I understand

What you tried to say to me

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free

They would not listen

They did not know how

Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night

Flaming flowers that brightly blaze

Swirling clouds and violet haze

Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue

Colours changing hue

Morning fields of amber grain

Weathered faces lined in pain

Are soothed beneath the artists' loving hand

Now I understand

What you tried to say to me

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free

They would not listen

They did not know how

Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you

But still your love was true

And when no hope was left inside

On that starry, starry night

You took your life as lovers often do

But I could have told you Vincent

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Like the strangers that you've met

The ragged men in ragged clothes

The silver thorn of bloody rose

Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know

What you tried to say to me

And how you suffered for your sanity

And how you tried to set them free

They would not listen

They're not listening still

Perhaps they never will...

You can listen to Don McLean's version here-

[Charlie]

waltc,

Thank you for sending us the words to starry starry night. I was so touched by that song because even though my sweet Charlie spent his entire working life as a firefighter, his true love and what he always wanted to do since I knew him as a teenager was to be an artist. He had such talent and painted such beautiful pictures and he loved the beauty of this earth. He could see such beauty in a stream, a bird, a flower, anything that nature produced he loved to put on the canvas. We married young and started a family and those responsibities kept him from his dream of pursuing a career in painting.

Starry Starry night were words that made me understand what he saw and felt about life, pain, and how others, including myself did not see it so clearly as he did. "Now I understand what he tried to say to me" and I feel this world was "Never meant for one as beautiful as you" My Charlie.

Funny how you listen now !

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 -10/20/04

[kayc]

"Since life is short, especially as Josh's life was, it is important to live each day with intention, and to choose a career you are truly passionate about. Since Josh has died, I am trying to "listen" to Josh and his outlook on life. I have realized other aspects of my life are more important than my career, and I am making changes so that one day, my life will be a rich as Josh would have hoped for me. Also, I only hope to be an ounce as passionate about so many things in life as Josh was."

Your words spoke to me...I have been job searching and I encounter different kinds of positions that I could do...but I really enjoy being an Office Mgr., yet I wouldn't want to be shut away in a room and do bookkeeping all day, every day, I like varied tasks, I like being stretched, I like interacting with people. I am an excellent bookkeeper, but that doesn't mean I want to be one full time. So I've decided to keep pursuing that position that is just right for me, the one I am best suited for, and not stop with the first thing that comes along. I have received an offer but it sounds horrible to me, and I think about your words..."It is important to live every day with intention and to choose a career that you are truly passionate about"...I also need to continue pursuing my art, I need to really do something with that, for that I love passionately. Today I was given information about a summer arts program, they need teachers and I love to teach! So I'm thinking of signing up to teach some art classes...

You see, it is important that we continue to listen to those that we love that have passed on and learn from them...that validates their lives and their meaning in ours and would be as they would want it.

Edited July 14, 2006 by kayc

[kellymarie]

Kay, It's so wonderful that Josh's outlook on life and career decisions has made it's way to you. He's smiling about that. From reading this post and your others about your stamping, cards, jewelry, etc., it sounds wonderful for you to continue and pursue your artistic talents and combine that with your desire to interact with people. Especially since your George knew how happy it made you. I love your story about your "happy sounds." I've been thinking about it but have had a very hard time getting myself back into my hobbies, especially scrapbooking because I have many pictures of Josh and I's life together than needs to be done. It also makes me smile when you mention how you are his Little One. Josh used to call me his Little One too. Kelly