Lexilou Posted July 1, 2020 Report Share Posted July 1, 2020 I lost my 13 yr old border collie 2 days ago. It was a tragic accident and I can't unsee how she was when I found her. Its hard to even type the words. I want to see her full of life and see the happy memories. But all I see is her huddled in a corner with a plastic cereal bag around her head. She suffocated. I put an empty box of lucky charms next to the trash, which I have done a hundred times before, she has never messed with trash when I'm gone. I feel responsible and I am struggling to even go an hour without crying. My chest hurts and it's hard to even breathe. We had a very close bond. I can't imagine my life without her. Does anyone have any suggestions for coping? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 2, 2020 Report Share Posted July 2, 2020 Wow, that is really hard, I am so sorry for your loss! My dog had inoperable cancer and after 2 months 10 days I had him euthanized. What should have been peaceful was not. Their scale was off so they under-anesthetized him, when they gave him the fatal shot, it hurt him horribly and I too carry that image with me. I wanted to put him out of his suffering, not cause him more! He was my constant companion and best friend, everything to me. It's been 10 1/2 months, it's a little easier to focus on the memories other than his pain but it is common for us to go through all the what-ifs and feel guilty, that's part of grief. Feeling guilty does not make you guilty, we just naturally feel that way because we are their protectors. I hope these articles help you.http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdfhttps://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtmlhttp://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htmhttps://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/06/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-kittens.html In addition, I want to leave you with this video in the hopes that it brings you some comfort and peace as it has me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lexilou Posted July 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2020 Thank you so much kayc. I so appreciate your kind words. Thank you for the video, it made me cry of course, but not in despair. I will read the articles you sent, thank you for those too. I'm very sorry for your painful loss. I try to think that maybe there is a reason my Lexi went the way she did. That maybe she was headed into sickness and I wouldn't be able to fix her. That maybe a long road of pain and discomfort lie ahead. I want there to be a reason for this tragedy. I thank you again for replying to me. I will look at the articles and post about them later. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 2, 2020 Report Share Posted July 2, 2020 I'm so sorry to learn of the tragic accident that took the life of your beloved Lexi, and the animal lovers you will find in this forum understand too well how much this hurts. In addition to the articles Kay suggested, you might find these helpful as well: Pet Loss: Is It a Different Kind of Grief? Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much? Pet Loss: When Guilt Overshadows Grief 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lexilou Posted July 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2020 Thank you so much kayc. I so appreciate your kind words. Thank you for the video, it made me cry of course, but not in despair. I will read the articles you sent, thank you for those too. I'm very sorry for your painful loss. I try to think that maybe there is a reason my Lexi went the way she did. That maybe she was headed into sickness and I wouldn't be able to fix her. That maybe a long road of pain and discomfort lie ahead. I want there to be a reason for this tragedy. I thank you again for replying to me. I will look at the articles and post about them later. Thank you Marty. I appreciate the articles. I'm struggling with guilt. If only I would have taken that empty box of cereal out to the trash, she would be here. I struggle with her death being possibly extremely painful and agonizing. That is what makes the weight on my chest so very heavy. I feel so much guilt. And I miss her desperately. I am lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 2, 2020 Report Share Posted July 2, 2020 23 hours ago, Lexilou said: I put an empty box of lucky charms next to the trash, which I have done a hundred times before, she has never messed with trash when I'm gone. I cannot think of a more innocent thing you could have done, my dear. To think that such an innocent act would result in the death of your dog is beyond imagination, and I don't know how you (or anyone else for that matter) could have foreseen such a tragic outcome. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive yourself, just as I am sure your beloved Lexi has already forgiven you. After all, that is one of the reasons we love our canine companions so much: They love us unconditionally. They are far more forgiving than we humans are, and they don't hold grudges. Surely Lexi knew how very much you love her and that you'd never do anything to hurt her. This was an ACCIDENT, with no intention on your part to bring harm to your beloved fur baby. I believe she knows that, and I hope you do, too. ♥️ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lexilou Posted July 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 Thank you Marty. I know it was innocent. It's just the freakiness of it all. I have to believe it was meant to be for some reason beyond my comprehension. I would give anything to erase the tape that plays in my head over and over every day. Seeing her like that. I just can't not keep seeing it. I'm so glad I found this site. I have been reading the articles and they are comforting and helping me understand my emotions. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 3, 2020 Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Lexilou said: I would give anything to erase the tape that plays in my head over and over every day. Seeing her like that. I just can't not keep seeing it. If you find yourself unable to shake these awful images, my dear, you might be interested in learning about this: In Grief: Using Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lexilou Posted July 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 I just downloaded a book by Karen Anderson called Afterlife. I am looking forward to reading it. I'm hoping to relate and get some insight that will help me feel ok about where my Lexi is in her journey. I need something to direct my attention to something more comforting. I hope this helps. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lexilou Posted July 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 I'm going to listen to the EMDR video. Thank you for recommending it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 3, 2020 Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 You have a lot of reading, thank you for posting those articles, Marty, I'd even thought about the EMDR one. Also these:https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.htmlhttps://www.healthjourneys.com/blog/ask-belleruth/have-you-heard-of-emotional-freedom-technique-eft.html I wish you well, it takes time to get used to their absence and still I'm missing Arlie 10 1/2 months later, accepting I always will until we can be together again. 12 hours ago, Lexilou said: I have to believe it was meant to be for some reason beyond my comprehension. A positive way to look at it and it very well could be! About cereal liners, I've actually heard warnings on them, I think on Inside Edition, it's more common than you'd think. They suggest we slit the bag full length before discarding. My dogs can't get at my garbage but 45 years ago my BIL, who was a child, left the pantry door open, and my dog got into the garbage, choking on a chicken bone. I didn't know what happened and when I saw him throwing up, I put him in the garage, cleaned it up, and then went to check on him...he was dead. He died alone. I threw him into the garage to die alone?! I had no idea! He had foam at the mouth. It was then that my BIL told me what happened. I can't even tell you how horrible I felt. So even when we think our garbage is out of their reach, something can happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lexilou Posted July 3, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 I'm going to listen to the EMDR video. Thank you for recommending it. Thank you. All of your comments, opinions, stories, reading material, are very helpful. Just knowing I'm not alone in how I feel is the most comforting. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 3, 2020 Report Share Posted July 3, 2020 Kay, I'd forgotten about the EFT article ~ thank you for recommending it ♥️ It's yet another amazing and effective way to lessen the pain of loss . . . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lexilou Posted July 8, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2020 Has anyone heard of Karen Anderson? She is an animal communicator and I just finished one of her books. It is called "The Amazing Afterlife of Animals". She has an app and also a Facebook group called Animal Communication Planet. It has helped me. Just wondering if anyone knows about her or had experience with her. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 9, 2020 Report Share Posted July 9, 2020 I'm not familiar with Karen Anderson's work, but since you're interested, you might appreciate these articles: Pet Loss and Animal Communication: Suggested Resources Do Pets Go To Heaven? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lexilou Posted July 10, 2020 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2020 Thank you, Marty. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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