Loving an alcoholic

[Fran Hankins]

My Mum is my best friend and she is fighting a losing battle to alcoholism. She has done since she was in her teens. I became very aware of her alcoholism from an extremely young age and have cared for her for over 2 decades. I am 31 and still run to her rescue every time she gets really bad. She's been in and out of hospital with severe pancreatitis since I was about 15. Having witnessed her as a bag of bones convulsing in pain but at the same time, unable to move, have created images in my mind that I will never forget. I often get flashes of these vivid memories and they take my breath away and make my chest tight. I have suffered with anxiety and depression regularly since I was a teenager and now I'm in my thirties, it has only grown worse. The pure dread I feel when thinking about my Mum and how her days are numbered, leave me crippled with panic. I recently went off work with stress for the first time in my life. Because I put so much pressure on myself to do well in every aspect of my life, I have always ploughed through the stress and continued to work and study. I realised last Tuesday that enough was enough and needed some time to catch my breath. I'm battling with feelings of failure for finally resorting to going off on sick but more intense are my feelings of dread and hopelessness when I think about how little I can help my Mum. She is the most wonderful woman when she is sober but she has split personalities because of the alcohol. She is a completely different woman when she has alcohol in her system; she's not my Mum anymore. Recently she has deteriorated even more and all I can see now is the day I find her slumped at the bottom of the stairs, dead in her bed or having to answer the door to police officers who then deliver the news she was found dead and alone by someone else. We still have good times every now and again when she's having a strong day and resists the poison. We even sunbathed on Scarborough beach last week and ate fish and chips and ice cream. But throughout the day I'd get the stabbing pain in my chest that leaves me breathless whenever the stark reality set in of how grave her situation is. So it seems now, I cannot even enjoy those potentially final moments with her anymore. I suspect I've always suffered with anticipatory grief as when I was a teenager I used to dream about her falling off sky scrapers, peering over the edge and having to see her all mangled on the concrete pavement below. I apologise for the strong language I use when talking about this but I came here to be 100% true and candid and I am hoping that by facing these demons in the crudest way possible, I can face these feelings of despair head on. After giving it so much thought recently, I realised why I am always going through cycles of rage, apathy and exhaustion and I think I am going through repeated bouts of anticipatory grief. I have researched it before but didn't realise anyone could feel anticipatory grief as intensely as 'normal' grief. Now I know that's wrong, I am desperate to connect with others who have experienced or are still experiencing similar circumstances. I have tried Al-Anon before but after a while found the sessions didn't help me anymore. I think I need something different. I'm also speaking with a person centred therapist once a week but again, need something more. If anyone is out there and can relate, it'd be so helpful to hear from you. 

[kayc]

I am so sorry.  My father was an alcoholic, he died when I was 29.  He missed all of the important events in my life.  I loved my parents but my mom was mentally ill and abusive and both of my parents failed me!  We deserve to have parents that protect us and love and guide us not cause us panic.  I have had GAD all of my life.  I highly recommend the book  Adult Children of Alcoholics found here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1558741127/ref=x_gr_w_bb_glide_sout?ie=UTF8&tag=x_gr_w_bb_glide_sout-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1558741127&SubscriptionId=1MGPYB6YW3HWK55XCGG2

That, Emotional Blackmail, and Toxic Parents, and Boundaries were life changers for me.  I learned to set boundaries and let my mom own the consequences...my dad had died by this time but it was important for me to realize that while I loved my dad, he wasn't a good parent any more than my mom was.  He never protected me, he caused me embarrassment as a child growing up, doing things like passing out in my sister's 16th birthday cake in front of her friends, or not showing up to take me to the father/daughter banquet when I was a bluebird so I had to be a third wheel with my GF & her father.  I had to protect my own kids from my mom.  I had to set boundaries.

And I got help for my anxiety.  I'm on Buspirone, low dose, will be the rest of my life.  It's in a class all of it's own, it's not an SSRI, it doesn't leave me feeling robotic, I can still feel, it doesn't alter my brain and I don't have side effects.  It just takes the edge off so I can cope.  And I haven't had a panic attack in years.  Part of it is creating a life I could live, finding purpose here, valuing myself and making positive choices.

I'm sorry you didn't find Al-Anon helpful, it was an Al-Anon meeting that woke me up.

Going along with our parents' choices can be enabling them.  Did you find yourself not liking what Al-Anon said to you?

[MartyT]

Yes, Kay. Wise words from one who knows. See also In Grief: Setting Clear Boundaries  ♥️

[Fran Hankins]

Thanks for sharing your story back Kayc and thanks for the reading suggestions both. I'm so sorry for what you have been through Kayc, it sounds horrendous and pretty much a mirror image of my own childhood although with roles reversed in my parents. It is lovely of you to support others. I found AlAnon helpful for a few months but the group I was in was so small and whilst they were wonderful people, the same stories were being shared over and over with little to no new experiences being talked about. I would talk about how my week had gone and offer something new every session but I didn't feel like I was getting the same in return. Perhaps I need to try a new, bigger group? Like I say, the people were absolutely wonderful and their words of support also really helped me but something was acting as a barrier to me. Perhaps it was actually me, self-sabotaging as that is a common trait in adult children of alcoholics. I did in the past read a page a day of 'courage to change' but I've slumped back into not bothering at all. Again, perhaps self-sabotaging. I will take a look at the books you both mention above. I do struggle with a constant conflict of guilt and enabling and don't seem to be able to reach a more healthy middle ground. I know myself and I do think that helping others with similar issues would help me massively. But then I also wonder if by doing that, I'm just distracting myself from working on my own issues. As you can probably tell, I'm very confused and conflicted. I haven't heard from my Mum all day and I know she's on a binge right now and it's taken every fibre of my being to not call or message her first. I'm trying not to be her personal therapist whenever she goes through alcohol induced depression and a part of me also wanted to see if she'd message me first, to see how I am! 

[kayc]

22 hours ago, Fran Hankins said:

Perhaps I need to try a new, bigger group?

Oh I hope you do!  Every group experience is different.  I've found that true of grief support groups as well.  I really enjoy leading mine and have seen such amazing strides in them, it's very rewarding to be a part of...missing it during this pandemic.    Hope to start it up again soon, just waiting for things to change for the better in our county.

Do you live with your mom?

[Kieron]

On 7/3/2020 at 11:37 AM, Fran Hankins said:

I know myself and I do think that helping others with similar issues would help me massively. But then I also wonder if by doing that, I'm just distracting myself from working on my own issues

Hello, while I have no experience with the alcoholism dynamic you are going through, I wanted to respond to these 2 sentences.  I believe you can do both things.  When you connect with others who are going through similar things, even if you're further along or in different places in your journey, your own healing process continues.  I noticed this when I joined a support group locally, before all the Covid stuff began. 

It's possible you could distract yourself from doing your own work, but that would only be true if you chose to engage in a co-dependent, caretaking relationship with these other people and actively ignored your own issues to focus on theirs.  And I think if you are mindful of proper boundaries and treat everyone with respect and kindness, but avoid 'drama,' you will be fine.

I hope that makes sense.

[ipswitch]

It's painful watching someone self-destruct. I tried Al-anon. I never got much out of meetings: it just seemed like so much repetition of trite sayings and slogans. The philosophy worked, just not the meetings. Actually, the philosophy works, even spilled over into other things. I found this forum helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

Pretty much everyone there is going through the same thing.