Race Car Gal Posted July 7, 2020 Report Share Posted July 7, 2020 My Dad passed away about a year and a half ago from pancreatic cancer. My parents were married for 38 years at the time of his death. Mom had a tough time at first. She had her good days and bad days. But then she started to get better with dealing with his passing about a year or so later....I'm the middle child of three girls. We all dealt with his passing differently, as most siblings would. Both of my sisters weren't as emotional as I was. I took it the hardest, I still do actually. They talk about Dad but would never like I do. It seems that my Mom hasn't said much about him lately either that I think about it now....Well about 3 months ago, Mom said that she was "talking/dating" someone. She told us that it was my Dad's best friend and that it was casual and not very serious. We were all OK with that considering who he was and that my Dad always admired him and always spoke highly of him. He had also just lost his wife in January from cancer. So we figured they were grieving together and had been talking....I don't know that I've ever met my Dad's best friend. He's always been traveling for the military but I don't remember him from my childhood. A few weeks later, my younger sister also told us that their relationship was more serious than what Mom initially said. That they were already saying "I Love You" and those sort of things. But then Mom came back and said it wasn't serious again. Very wishy washy. So 2 weeks ago my younger sister tells both of us that Mom had been keeping a secret from us and she wanted to tell us. That Mom is moving to FL to live with the BF and they're getting married. Honestly, I wasn't mad just shocked. My older sister felt the same. She didn't really understand the rush to move and get married. However, my younger sister was very upset. She told me on a Friday and I never heard a word from my Mom until late Monday evening. She text me with this long rant of how I needed to accept everything, be happy for her, that I already told both sisters I didn't want her dating at all, that she was happy, she said she tried talking to me (which she did not), that she knew I was mad (which I wasn't), that she didn't like the fact that I don't talk to her about the BF, that everything wasn't that serious. It seemed like she was being very defensive and I have no idea why. I was mad at this point because it came out of nowhere and it was not what I was expecting her to say. That she has this idea in her head without even attempting to talk to me. It really hurt my feelings. I just told her to go and be happy and I went to bed. I text her the following morning telling her that I wasn't mad but I wasn't going be OK right away and that she needed to respect my feelings towards everything. I also told her I didn't feel comfortable talking about her boyfriend with her. It's not that I don't want to, I just don't want to RIGHT NOW. She tells my younger sister everything, so I guess she thinks I need to be the same way. I've never been one to communicate very well (Thanks Dad) and she knows that....Skip a few days later, Mom was out of town visiting said BF and the little sister said she was going by her house to check on her dogs. I took advantage of the situation and asked her to grab some items that I left there and I'd pick them up from her. Mom text me again a few minutes after I spoke with my sister with a similar message. I guess she felt is was necessary to send the same message to me again and be completely rude. My little sister has told her on several occasion, within a 4 day time frame, to just give me time and she just doesn't want to. Mom wants everything to be rainbows and sunshine but I'm not ready for that. I'm happy that she's happy but I'm just having a hard time thinking that she's doing all this for the right reasons. I really don't think the BF knows my Mom as well as he thinks he does. Same with her. I keep thinking that if she would've have came to the 3 of us and talked about it like adults, the whole situation would be very different. I don't think she even considered our feelings, much less her grandchildren's feelings. Which is what I worry about the most. I'll get over it sooner or later. I know I will. It takes time and I don't think she's understanding that. But my son and my nephews are going to have the hardest time once they figure out that Grammy isn't just down the road anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kieron Posted July 8, 2020 Report Share Posted July 8, 2020 I am sorry to read about this tumultuous and upsetting experience you are having. I often encounter people who tell me that they have argued or fought over the medium of texting and I just want to shake my head. It's an unfortunate choice because much can be misconstrued and left out in haste, and context clues and body language are missing, and worst of all, you can easily re-read the hurtful words and feel upset all over again. 6 hours ago, Race Car Gal said: I keep thinking that if she would've have came to the 3 of us and talked about it like adults, the whole situation would be very different. I suspect you're right. Then everyone would be on the same page and there would be no she-said/she-said and chances for misunderstanding or assumptions. I guess, since I come from a large family in which various people were always having a falling out, or triangulation was always occurring, I noticed how not to argue. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 8, 2020 Report Share Posted July 8, 2020 I think your mom was afraid to approach you and really didn't know how best to do it. I agree she didn't handle it right. That can't be undone so must be moved on from. Understand that your feelings are valid, they are your feelings and you can't be expected to be/react the same as your sisters. It's not that there's a right or wrong way to handle this, but rather however it is handled comes with it's own consequences and it boils down to what you're willing to accept as consequences and what you are not, then you can base your decisions/responses accordingly. Dr Phil often says, "Do you want to be a right fighter or do you want to learn from this?" I think that's a question we often have to ask ourselves, myself the most! (I can tend to be a right fighter.) My son is one of the wisest people I know and he says he tries to pick his battles carefully. There's a time to stand by your guns and a time to let something go. Your mom is afraid of judgment. She just wants some happiness back in her life. It doesn't mean she doesn't love your dad. It doesn't mean she's forgotten him. I guarantee you she thinks about him every day of her life! My FIL told me one month after mom passed that he was in love! And he sounded like a sick cow about it. I think it's always a bit distressing to the kids, esp since they were married for 40 years! But to his credit, she had been bedridden with cancer for three years (I took care of her in the daytime, he did at night). He'd already had years of anticipatory grief. We did accept his new relationship, they never did live together or marry but were companions until he died about 35 years later, they did everything together. And she was a lovely lady. She just passed 6/25. My XH had a very hard time with her death, he was faithful to be there for her over the years. If we open our minds and hearts it's amazing what can develop. But even if you don't care for this person, and realizing this seems altogether too soon to you, it is HER who has to make choices for her own life. We didn't raise our kids to dictate to us in our latter years. Even if she is making the mistake of her life, it is hers to make and learn from. I hope you will read this article: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/tips-for-when-your-widowe_b_5942444 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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