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Life is not forever


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I lost my Nancy Dec 3rd 2018, a day that ended my life, one of our favorite movies was Titanic, and like in the movie, I would tell Nancy you jump, I jump, of course back in 98 even the remote thought of one of us being without the other was not even a distant thought, but life sometimes gets in the way, and tells you different, it's like being physically assaulted the pain I feel inside, that never goes away, you know somewhere in my mind, maybe I'm crazy, but sometimes I still think that there was a mistake made and that Nancy is at home waiting for me when coming home from work, then I remember that I am now alone here on this earth, her spiritual body still here, just not the physical, and that's the one I hurt missing the most, her voice in the morning before I left for work, calling her throughout the day, and than coming home, where she would always ask me for a coming home kiss, telling me always that she Loved me, never giving me a chance to say it first, she was funny that way, after 25 years together we were as one, one breathing as the other is exhaling, reading each other minds, being able to hold conversations without ever speaking, the other half of me left that day in Dec, and there is no getting it back, and I feel lost and alone now, and don't know if I can make it back, and to be honest, not too concerned if I don't, don't even know if I want to, I lost my future, and you just don't bounce back from that!!, for right now just waking up and doing the nine to five, going back home and living in my past, as is the only thing of comfort that I still have left, cannot be taken away, life has taken everything else, but it can't take that.  Peace and Love to all of you, Thank you.

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  • 2 months later...

This post has resonated with me and haunted me. I have felt so many of these feelings. I often thought that my dear wife was somehow alive in Tulsa (I had to move back to my childhood home in California), looking for me. I felt like I abandoned her. Now that I am living here, it is so hard to feel like I am connected to her. My life with her seems so far away- a whole other lifetime ago.  I wish I could dream of her, but somehow my stupid brain won't let me- aside from a few fleeting scenes. I have several voicemails that I kept- thank God- that I can hear her say she loves me. I feel like her spirit is in nature and I see her humor in the birds around here. I have all the things that meant something to her crammed in my childhood bedroom- a shrine to her I guess. They make me feel connected, but it's hard just not seeing her smile and being able to talk to her about what's going on in the world (oh boy!). I don't think there's anything wrong with living in the past. God knows I certainly don't want to hear the crappy music of today, and I listen to 80's music and even though I haven't yet been able to listen to her favorites, I will someday and remember the good times- I'm trying to weed out the bad memories but its hard because her health was so bad and those are the most recent memories. Please take care. I understand completely. 

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3 hours ago, nashreed said:

I feel like her spirit is in nature and I see her humor in the birds around here. 

Well said. I feel that my friend is part of the natural world now: the air, the water, the sounds of the forest. When I take my daily walks I see his hair in the milkweed pods that are opening up. While I was thinking this one day, a leaf dropped onto my head. Earlier this summer I was cycling on the trail, skidded, and crashed. Got pretty banged up but luckily did not break anything. I think he caught me right before I hit the ground. 

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I'm glad you're ok. Me and my wife always saw each other as two Cardinals- a  couple with the "wife" being plain and not showy. She was always shy and modest. The sad thing is there are no Cardinals in Southern California. But I see her in the little brown birds and the Hummingbirds.

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22 hours ago, nashreed said:

My life with her seems so far away- a whole other lifetime ago.

It does to me too, but then it's been 15 years, it feels sometimes like I dreamed it up or something.  But no, I see pictures of him, his notes to me, evidences of his having been here, like the rails he built for the patio.  But it FEELS like a lifetime ago, perhaps because my life is so different now.  We were so happy together.

I think most of us have a mixture of past and present in our lives, I don't think anything is wrong with that as long as we're grounded in reality and not missing the good that exists today.  Our memories are most precious.

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49 minutes ago, kayc said:

It does to me too, but then it's been 15 years, it feels sometimes like I dreamed it up or something.  But no, I see pictures of him, his notes to me, evidences of his having been here, like the rails he built for the patio.  But it FEELS like a lifetime ago, perhaps because my life is so different now.  We were so happy together.

I think most of us have a mixture of past and present in our lives, I don't think anything is wrong with that as long as we're grounded in reality and not missing the good that exists today.  Our memories are most precious.

I wish there was good in my life today. I can say I truly hate my life now.

I live back home with my mother and brother, so it's like I'm a teenager again, except I'm an achy 50 year old, so I'm trying to keep a whole house of memories with my wife in my little childhood room.  I can't talk to them about my feelings and my loss of her- they always resented my leaving. My brother is 54 and has never had a relationship, so I'm living the fate that would have befell me if Annette had not saved me from it.  They're not bad people, they just really don't have empathy and they want me to be over it already.  I have no real friends, nobody I can talk to and rely on. It was always just me and Annette against the world. I miss our life, our world.  I'm just existing day to day, but I have no hope for a future- all I have is the past. My family lives in the past as well, for different reasons. 

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19 hours ago, nashreed said:

I wish there was good in my life today. I can say I truly hate my life now.

I live back home with my mother and brother, so it's like I'm a teenager again, except I'm an achy 50 year old, so I'm trying to keep a whole house of memories with my wife in my little childhood room.  I can't talk to them about my feelings and my loss of her- they always resented my leaving. My brother is 54 and has never had a relationship, so I'm living the fate that would have befell me if Annette had not saved me from it.  They're not bad people, they just really don't have empathy and they want me to be over it already.  I have no real friends, nobody I can talk to and rely on. It was always just me and Annette against the world. I miss our life, our world.  I'm just existing day to day, but I have no hope for a future- all I have is the past. My family lives in the past as well, for different reasons. 

Nashreed,

My heart beats with you as i read your comments. It takes time and grief work to journey through our grief.  Life will never return to what it was yet there is still a reason and purpose for our existence.  My wife died over five years ago, yet at times it still feels so recent. The life and memories we shared will forever be in my hearth and mind.  I have learned that feelings are not always facts yet when examined they will lead me to Truth.  It feels like my life power was dimmed when she died, yet I trudge forward through life. Marty T offers many tools in our community and please know that you are not alone in this.  My family and friends do not understand this personal type of grief. It doesn't go away or that we can just shake off. Our community here helps, listens, and understands because we are going through a similar journey. This group helped me in the darkest hours/days and they now sustain me as I continue to trudge through life.  We are not alone because we share openly with friends who understand and empathize with us. Take care my friend. - George - Shalom (Peace)

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It can take years to build our lives again when losing our spouse, processing our grief, finding purpose, making friends & developing interests that help us in our present...I know all looks bleak right now, that's understandable.  It's a shock and rude awakening to go through this!  Do you have a plan to make your way out on your own where you can better do that?  Keep coming here, it does help to express yourself, I'm sorry your family isn't more empathetic.  They can't possibly get what they haven't experienced themselves, and we sure don't wish that on anyone!  Some of the people here have been closer to me than people I know in person!  Here we share our thoughts and innermost feelings, things we don't feel comfortable sharing with others, plus we have that common ground, so it's no wonder!

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I was one of the lucky ones too.  I was married to a monster and barely escaped with my life.  Then I married a man who was controlling and cold, for 23 years, I lived a loveless lonely life.  After he left, I married George, and for the first time in my life, I experienced complete and reciprocal love, our communication was great, our connection amazing, and I knew this love to be rare.  Just 3 years 8 months later he suddenly died and life as we knew it was completely changed.

Somewhere out there, he still is.  He is not his physical body, I could see he was no longer there, he is the spirit that resided inside of that physical body, and he still exists.  Someday I'll be with him again.  Until then I cherish our connection that will always be, even if I can't reach him.  I'm growing old alone and when I have these struggles, I know he's cheering me on...

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4 hours ago, kayc said:

I was one of the lucky ones too.  I was married to a monster and barely escaped with my life.  Then I married a man who was controlling and cold, for 23 years, I lived a loveless lonely life.  After he left, I married George, and for the first time in my life, I experienced complete and reciprocal love, our communication was great, our connection amazing, and I knew this love to be rare.  Just 3 years 8 months later he suddenly died and life as we knew it was completely changed.

Somewhere out there, he still is.  He is not his physical body, I could see he was no longer there, he is the spirit that resided inside of that physical body, and he still exists.  Someday I'll be with him again.  Until then I cherish our connection that will always be, even if I can't reach him.  I'm growing old alone and when I have these struggles, I know he's cheering me on...

Wow Kay, I'm so sorry that it took so many years to find your soul mate. I was lucky that the first girl I ever dated was The One. I dated her a couple of months, she broke up with me, and I pursued (stalked a little :) ) her for 2 years. We were finally together almost 30 years total. 3 and a half years- that's just so little time. I'm glad you made the most of it. I get down because I don't feel her connection, even though I know she's up there. It must be hard to connect with the living and a rarity to be able to do so, but I will be patient. I know I'll be with her forever, this is just a separation, like because of quarantine. I just have to work harder to keep our love alive.

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I know, right?!  It's like holding down the fort while they're away...only the longest biggest test of waiting ever!

Remember to go by faith in your love...you've known all these 30 years how your love and connection were, trust that.  George and I knew each other 6 1/2 years, only married 3 years 8 months, but every minute of them counted to the max!

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I just hate being alive sometimes. I'm not trying to sound grim- it's just so unfair to still be living. It's like being in purgatory- maybe it is. I still have good deeds to do, I guess. Annette had secured her place in Heaven, and God knew that I could handle her loss, even though I hate it. I guess I'm stronger (maybe colder) than I thought. All the little things that distract me from my thoughts about her, also need to not distract me from what I still have to do on this earth. I still need to try to get my brother's soul in better shape (I promise I'm not trying to be religious, more spiritual). So, life is not forever, but love is and our spirits are. While in this limbo, I have to know that I still have a purpose. Annette watches over me and I try to make her proud.

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I know people say these cliches "God does not give us more than we can handle" but it makes me want to bonk them in the head!  #1, they're misapplying that scripture, it's meant in the context of WITH HIS HELP and even then it's damn hard!  We are only people!  If that were true, no one would commit suicide!  Sometimes we have MORE than what we can handle, of pain, of grief, of adversity, this year being a prime example!

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3 hours ago, nashreed said:

I try to make her proud.

And I'm certain you have!

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