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DebbieGD

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I lost my dog of 13 1/2 years, she was the love of my life she gave meaning to the meaningless life I have lived. I lost so much in my life and thought nothing could ever hurt me again, my Dog Buttercup proved me wrong.  You see Me and my baby dog lived in my car for about 10 yrs. I am not a dirty person just a bad hand dealt in my life, my dog made everything seem ok, I thought if I can't make a friend, bc when you live in your car you meet some pretty shady characters, don't get me wrong so many people are down on they're luck but I prefer being alone. The minute I walked through the pound she claimed me. Oh she was a mess had a bruised eye, a small limp and her feet smelled something terrible a few days later I thought oh my what have I gotten myself into, but I had already fell in love with her. On her 3 mo. check up which was $300 he gave her a shot said she had allergies. The smell was gone for 10 days and it came back 8 mo. in our car and finally I figured out what to do morning and night treatment and 3 days later it was gone, but I could never have parted with her stinky or not. She was my soul mate and we had so much fun she was the best friend and love I could ever have. There is so much to tell you all about her. She was a little short blonde wire hair terrier with a white mohawk on her head I named her Buttercup and the mohawk was her stem. She loved everybody, and we'd go shopping into the stores she had a bag I carried her in. There's so much I want to share, can I do that, just this little I've typed seems to ease the pain but I know it's coming back. I have panic attacks, I cry everyday. My heart is broken. I'm crying now after reading what I just wrote, I miss you baby so much....

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Hi Debbie. I can feel your pain. It is very deep. It is a strange world, isn't it? We are given a gift so full of overwhelming love and joy. Then, one day, it is taken from us. Grieving like you are sounds a lot like my grief. It overcomes you and all you wish for is more time with your love. My Lexi was 13 and passed on only 12 days ago. It was an unexpected freak accident and I am still struggling every day to come to terms that she's gone. I am told that if you try to think of the best of memories with them, it helps you move thru your grief. I am new at this too, but reaching out to all different sites and articles and people with all sorts of perspectives. It helps comfort me. I talk to her all the time. In between tears and gut wrenching sorrow. It is very hard. Just know you're not alone and your baby loves you and is with you all the time in spirit. I really believe that. I have to. Thinking of you❤Hugs

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32 minutes ago, DebbieGD said:

There's so much I want to share, can I do that, just this little I've typed seems to ease the pain

Please, by all means, go ahead and do that, Debbie. We are here for you, and we are listening . . . ♥️

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9 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Please, by all means, go ahead and do that, Debbie. We are here for you, and we are listening . . . ♥️

My heart hurts, I cry constantly, I miss her so much, like lexilou said I too talk to her all the time, like she is there, I know she is here with me, she has to be right? She had diabetes and I had to have her put to sleep, I feel guilty bc the vet said we could do this but if it doesn't work we could try something else, but I didn't want to put her through that, I seen it with 2 of my friends dogs and they suffered so much on the medicines she had been getting sick but the vets always said she was fine. If only theyed had done blood work on her, I may have saved her. I don't have alot of money but if I'd have known, I feel so guilty. I loved her with all my heart. We were never apart. Out of the 13 yrs we were away from each other all of 7 days and that was not 7 days straight. I miss her so much .I buried her and after 7 days I couldn't stand her being there so I had her cremated. I sleep with her urn at night I carry it with me in my purse, im so broken, yesterday I went to where I had buried her and took her urn and sat it on her grave and told her why I had done that as I've been feeling at odds as did I do the right thing by burying her and then cremating her she is with me isn't she, I'm so hurt, ive lost her and I don't know what to do. 

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I watched the video with the husband and wife ,I've done several things already they had said. I'm sorry but I've been on a couple of sites and when I found you and you responded so quickly my heart just broke bc someone really cares you don't seem frivious to me. Im a good person I donate every year to saint Jude's the little I can and we'll me and buttercup I always told her let's go send the kids some money this Xmas. You see she's all I had, she was my life she understood me, I'd wave c'mon and she'd come running, she loved hiking and walking, and she got her snack every night before bed and if I'd lay down before getting it shed sat right beside me head held high and stare at me ok Buttercup mom get you your munchie. She was like a little person she knew me inside out. I won't bother no more tonight as it is late. Thank you all for being here. GN

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29 minutes ago, Lexilou said:

I would live to hear all about your Buttercup. Feel free to share everything on here with us❤

Thank you sooo very much it is getting late but I would love to come back tomorrow. I'd love to hear from you as well. 

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Thank you Marty I know it's getting late, yes I don't know if it is a different kind of loss, but it seems like a more longing loss to me,.I really don't have the answers I just know I miss her big brown eyes, and all of her. She was so sweet, perfect in all ways.

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1 hour ago, Lexilou said:

I would live to hear all about your Buttercup. Feel free to share everything on here with us❤

Lexilou what have I done should I have tried harder to save her I feel like I've killed my baby what have I done, I thought about her age and her sickness, the vet said her diabetes was real bad. But I should have tried I killed her I just know it.

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Debbie,  yes it's late. So, hopefully you will have sweet dreams and read this post when you wake up. 

No need to talk about how much money you have or don't have. None of that matters here. What matters is the love and devotion you have for Buttercup. I can tell its a lot of love so let's focus on that love. He only wants the best for you. Try hard to remember your wonderful memories, as I'm sure there are plenty. He loves you so much. Whatever happened in the end is not important in the grand scheme. He knows you love and adore him. I am sure he walks beside you because that is what he knows and is comforted by. It is late and I am missing my Lexi. I'm going to settle into bed but just know our babies are with us. That's what gives me comfort at night. I will tell you all about what happened to my Lexi tomorrow. I just can't go there tonight. I miss her so deeply it hurts. I understand your grief and I hope we can be there for one another to carry this weight that feels so very heavy. Ttyl. Thank you for reaching out. ❤

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don't feel guilt. Guilt will tear you up. Let me tell you what happened to Lexi. I always. Always leave empty boxes of cereal next to my trashcan. The boxes are too big to put in the can but I'll know to take them out when the trash gets full. Ive left empty cereal boxes on the floor nest to the trashcan at least 100 times before. 12 days ago, my boyfriend had gotten me a new scooter. We went to go practice on it.  Gone 45 minutes. When I returned, I went inside and looked all over for my Lexi. I walked outside and told Andy that Lexi wasn't inside. He said, well she has to be. So I looked again. The last place I went was the laundry room. She never hung out in there. But that's where I found her. Huddled, in a corner. Bag from cereal box snug over her head. We tried like he'll to revive her. To no avail. 

see, Lexi was my soulmate. The light of my life. We were so close. I am mad at God for depriving me of being able To hold her as she crossed over. I feel your pain! I feel it every minute. For I am suffering right along with you!  I feel like her death is such a cruel and that i didn't get the chance to say goodbye and hold her close as she passed. Please understand that our loves love us no matter what. That's what is keeping me sane right now. I'm so exhausted now that ove relived that moment. Let's talk tomorrow. Hugs❤

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@DebbieGD  I am so sorry for your loss.  I know how deep the loss of our animal companion can be because I lost my Soulmate in a Dog, Arlie, 11 months ago the 16th.  My love and my grief will be with me until the day I die, he was the perfect dog (for me) and I love him with all of my heart.  

There are many factors that go into euthanasia, and I'm sure you considered all of them, we do it for THEM, not for us.  If it was a decision for us, we would bankrupt ourselves to keep them alive!  BUT we do not want them to continue suffering, so the decision is for THEM, to release them from further suffering.  I've seen dogs with Diabetes and they can't go indefinitely with it, it takes it's toll on them, once they reach kidney failure you have no option...my 25 year old cat went into kidney and liver failure, they said there is no treatment, I had to have her put to sleep.  My beautiful sweet dog, Arlie, had inoperable cancer, spread throughout, liver shut down, he lived 2 months 10 days beyond diagnosis, I did everything I could to make him comfortable, to keep him eating...I did it because I couldn't bear to lose him, I prayed I'd know "when" and I felt he let me know when it was time.  But even so, we are our hardest critics, we go through all the "what ifs" frantically searching for a different possible outcome, only there isn't any.  There is only what happened.  I like Lexilou's response:

7 hours ago, Lexilou said:

focus on that love.

You two shared 13 years together, no matter how long we get together, it's never enough for us!  I got 10 1/2 with Arlie (he was just under a year when I adopted him).  I hoped he'd live to 14, it wasn't to be.  :(  I lost both my animals within four months of each other and my little family became just me.  My son brought me a puppy before Christmas...I had been thinking I probably wouldn't get another dog as I'd already known the most perfect dog in the world and there is no other like him.  But I'm glad he did, little did I know we'd have this pandemic and I'd be alone for months at a time!  The little guy is not my Arlie, he doesn't do Husky talk, he's harder to take care of as he thinks he can't do his business in our yard or pen (he didn't have a problem doing it in the house though! :) ) so I have to take him on walks...a LOT.  But that's okay, Lord knew I needed the exercise.  He is needier, bringing me toys, wanting me to play with him constantly, that's okay, what better thing do I have to do?  I miss my Arlie, I always will.  Kodie was conceived when Arlie died, and born on my birthday.  Maybe Arlie had his paw in this?  IDK how that works.  Arlie is buried in my backyard so I look out my patio door and see his grave.  I go down there and talk to him, Kitty right beside him now.  It's hard to believe just a few months ago we were all a family...

I totally understand your wanting him with you, and I bet he doesn't mind either!  

I want to leave you with some articles that I have found of help:
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

I hope this video brings you some comfort and peace as it has me.  I know we'll be together again, we were meant to be!

 

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8 hours ago, Lexilou said:

don't feel guilt. Guilt will tear you up. Let me tell you what happened to Lexi. I always. Always leave empty boxes of cereal next to my trashcan. The boxes are too big to put in the can but I'll know to take them out when the trash gets full. Ive left empty cereal boxes on the floor nest to the trashcan at least 100 times before. 12 days ago, my boyfriend had gotten me a new scooter. We went to go practice on it.  Gone 45 minutes. When I returned, I went inside and looked all over for my Lexi. I walked outside and told Andy that Lexi wasn't inside. He said, well she has to be. So I looked again. The last place I went was the laundry room. She never hung out in there. But that's where I found her. Huddled, in a corner. Bag from cereal box snug over her head. We tried like he'll to revive her. To no avail. 

see, Lexi was my soulmate. The light of my life. We were so close. I am mad at God for depriving me of being able To hold her as she crossed over. I feel your pain! I feel it every minute. For I am suffering right along with you!  I feel like her death is such a cruel and that i didn't get the chance to say goodbye and hold her close as she passed. Please understand that our loves love us no matter what. That's what is keeping me sane right now. I'm so exhausted now that ove relived that moment. Let's talk tomorrow. Hugs❤

GM Lexi, thank you I'm so sorry for your loss of Lexi, I'm so hurt I feel like I let her down, she was the love of my life, I don't understand why God seems so cruel, bc her just doesn't seem to be there when you need him the most. I'm so lost without her. I let her down.

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9 hours ago, Lexilou said:

Debbie,  yes it's late. So, hopefully you will have sweet dreams and read this post when you wake up. 

No need to talk about how much money you have or don't have. None of that matters here. What matters is the love and devotion you have for Buttercup. I can tell its a lot of love so let's focus on that love. He only wants the best for you. Try hard to remember your wonderful memories, as I'm sure there are plenty. He loves you so much. Whatever happened in the end is not important in the grand scheme. He knows you love and adore him. I am sure he walks beside you because that is what he knows and is comforted by. It is late and I am missing my Lexi. I'm going to settle into bed but just know our babies are with us. That's what gives me comfort at night. I will tell you all about what happened to my Lexi tomorrow. I just can't go there tonight. I miss her so deeply it hurts. I understand your grief and I hope we can be there for one another to carry this weight that feels so very heavy. Ttyl. Thank you for reaching out. ❤

We had such fun together, I wake up and hug her urn evevy morning you know I'm in tears right now, I should have done more for her, I just do want to go on why is God so cruel why doesn't he understand that I needed her in my life. I don't have anyone to care for now, God is cruel I don't feel her spirit it seems I'm hollow I'm a shell and a killer. I miss her so much why can't I feel her spirit. I see her in my head but I'm lost without her. I don't hear her, I can't touch her. Where is she.....

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10 hours ago, Lexilou said:

Hi Debbie. I can feel your pain. It is very deep. It is a strange world, isn't it? We are given a gift so full of overwhelming love and joy. Then, one day, it is taken from us. Grieving like you are sounds a lot like my grief. It overcomes you and all you wish for is more time with your love. My Lexi was 13 and passed on only 12 days ago. It was an unexpected freak accident and I am still struggling every day to come to terms that she's gone. I am told that if you try to think of the best of memories with them, it helps you move thru your grief. I am new at this too, but reaching out to all different sites and articles and people with all sorts of perspectives. It helps comfort me. I talk to her all the time. In between tears and gut wrenching sorrow. It is very hard. Just know you're not alone and your baby loves you and is with you all the time in spirit. I really believe that. I have to. Thinking of you❤Hugs

I miss her Lexi I can't deal with this, she was my joy, I think of our memories but now im hating myself for letting her go she was very sick but I should have tried harder what have I done, will this guilt I'm going through ever pass. What have I done! 

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20 minutes ago, DebbieGD said:

GM Lexi, thank you I'm so sorry for your loss of Lexi, I'm so hurt I feel like I let her down, she was the love of my life, I don't understand why God seems so cruel, bc her just doesn't seem to be there when you need him the most. I'm so lost without her. I let her down.

Oh my God I just now understood the part about the boxes I read it 3 times it's hard right now, I'm so very sorry for your baby, it was a freak accident and I can't imagine what you must be going through , it wasn't your fault, but she knew you had all the love in your heart for her and she loves you. I'm so sorry..I hope your holding up, I know how devastated you feel right now. She was a lot of fun wasn't she. 

It's a world of debilitating events, I don't understand why it keeps beating us down, it makes no sense.

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11 hours ago, Lexilou said:

Hi Debbie. I can feel your pain. It is very deep. It is a strange world, isn't it? We are given a gift so full of overwhelming love and joy. Then, one day, it is taken from us. Grieving like you are sounds a lot like my grief. It overcomes you and all you wish for is more time with your love. My Lexi was 13 and passed on only 12 days ago. It was an unexpected freak accident and I am still struggling every day to come to terms that she's gone. I am told that if you try to think of the best of memories with them, it helps you move thru your grief. I am new at this too, but reaching out to all different sites and articles and people with all sorts of perspectives. It helps comfort me. I talk to her all the time. In between tears and gut wrenching sorrow. It is very hard. Just know you're not alone and your baby loves you and is with you all the time in spirit. I really believe that. I have to. Thinking of you❤Hugs

Think of you too huggs❤️

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

@DebbieGD  I am so sorry for your loss.  I know how deep the loss of our animal companion can be because I lost my Soulmate in a Dog, Arlie, 11 months ago the 16th.  My love and my grief will be with me until the day I die, he was the perfect dog (for me) and I love him with all of my heart.  

There are many factors that go into euthanasia, and I'm sure you considered all of them, we do it for THEM, not for us.  If it was a decision for us, we would bankrupt ourselves to keep them alive!  BUT we do not want them to continue suffering, so the decision is for THEM, to release them from further suffering.  I've seen dogs with Diabetes and they can't go indefinitely with it, it takes it's toll on them, once they reach kidney failure you have no option...my 25 year old cat went into kidney and liver failure, they said there is no treatment, I had to have her put to sleep.  My beautiful sweet dog, Arlie, had inoperable cancer, spread throughout, liver shut down, he lived 2 months 10 days beyond diagnosis, I did everything I could to make him comfortable, to keep him eating...I did it because I couldn't bear to lose him, I prayed I'd know "when" and I felt he let me know when it was time.  But even so, we are our hardest critics, we go through all the "what ifs" frantically searching for a different possible outcome, only there isn't any.  There is only what happened.  I like Lexilou's response:

You two shared 13 years together, no matter how long we get together, it's never enough for us!  I got 10 1/2 with Arlie (he was just under a year when I adopted him).  I hoped he'd live to 14, it wasn't to be.  :(  I lost both my animals within four months of each other and my little family became just me.  My son brought me a puppy before Christmas...I had been thinking I probably wouldn't get another dog as I'd already known the most perfect dog in the world and there is no other like him.  But I'm glad he did, little did I know we'd have this pandemic and I'd be alone for months at a time!  The little guy is not my Arlie, he doesn't do Husky talk, he's harder to take care of as he thinks he can't do his business in our yard or pen (he didn't have a problem doing it in the house though! :) ) so I have to take him on walks...a LOT.  But that's okay, Lord knew I needed the exercise.  He is needier, bringing me toys, wanting me to play with him constantly, that's okay, what better thing do I have to do?  I miss my Arlie, I always will.  Kodie was conceived when Arlie died, and born on my birthday.  Maybe Arlie had his paw in this?  IDK how that works.  Arlie is buried in my backyard so I look out my patio door and see his grave.  I go down there and talk to him, Kitty right beside him now.  It's hard to believe just a few months ago we were all a family...

I totally understand your wanting him with you, and I bet he doesn't mind either!  

I want to leave you with some articles that I have found of help:
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

I hope this video brings you some comfort and peace as it has me.  I know we'll be together again, we were meant to be!

 

You are so kind kayc, I'm new on this this site ya know and I'm not the best at tech and this is a new phone I do not like upgrade they call it, down grade for me. Haha I'm sorry for your losses and glad you have a new puppy, you are a strong woman I commend you, this world is terrible and at this time we need no more disaster but we get them back to back would you agree, I don't want to promote negativity, ok I'm just sad lonely and mad at the world right now, I miss my Buttercup so much Everytime I say her name I brake down and cry. I well others thought you can get a another dog you know the tale, I hated hearing that it just angered me, but I couldn't right now. I'm hoping Buttercup is happy and in a safe place. Do you believe in signs, I just got one... 

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There are definitely signs! Little messages. If you keep your eyes open and mind open, I believe we receive little messages from them. I just watched your little video with Buttercup in the swing. It was so sweet! He looked very content and looked like he trusts you completely. I know everyone says time heals, maybe it does. Idk I'm still struggling but its only been 2 weeks. I have so many of the same feelings you have. Grief is exhausting mentally and physically. We just have to do our best to get through it. Not that it will ever go away, but I'm hoping it becomes bareable at some point. Hugs to you❤

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Hi Lexi, thanks I've been asking for a honey bee. The next morning after HER passing I look out of the window there was a honey bee stuck on the window, I thought it was dead for the longest time, all of a sudden it's wing's started fluttering, I said is that you Buttercup, did you just get your wings?  I've been asking for a honey bee, this morning one flew into my hand it crawled through my fingers, my hand and then flew on my face it crawled up to my right eye, it stayed there for a time feeling and then disappeared, I didn't see it fly away it was just gone. I pray that was her visiting me and letting me know that she's ok. I miss her so much Lexi tears, Im torn up inside. Hugs❤️

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