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Disenfranchised Grief


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Hello 

Anyone else going through disenfranchised grief- grief that others don’t acknowledge or think you should not be going through

I had fallen in love with one of the men in our walking group. We’d been friends for years but my feelings for him had definitely changed in the last 6 or 8 months before he died. We had both got very close and spoke on messenger multiple times a day and despite lockdown still met (appropriately socially distanced - which was hard as we were great huggers) We’d only recently acknowledged our feelings for each other and even then not fully and were still ‘dancing around’ as I am in a very long term relationship. He was single. Unbeknown to me he talked about me all the time to his adult daughters, who have been very welcoming to me as “you made our Dad very happy”

He died suddenly of a heart attack on Good Friday, we were meeting the next morning, our last words at 2pm on Friday were “looking forward to seeing you tomorrow”

I am devastated. Still three months on crying daily but I feel like my grief can’t be acknowledged  

 

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For whatever it's worth, I think you are miles ahead of most people who don't even know that "disenfranchised grief" is real and that it has a name. 

In some ways, I can relate.  When asked if I am married, I say "no" and leave it at that.  It's true, after all.  I mostly don't have the energy to elaborate, or else I don't want to spend the time reading the situation and see if it warrants further explanation.

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5 hours ago, Kieron said:

For whatever it's worth, I think you are miles ahead of most people who don't even know that "disenfranchised grief" is real and that it has a name. 

In some ways, I can relate.  When asked if I am married, I say "no" and leave it at that.  It's true, after all.  I mostly don't have the energy to elaborate, or else I don't want to spend the time reading the situation and see if it warrants further explanation.

Thank you Kieron. I don’t feel miles ahead but it’s kind of you to say so. I know I’m the topic of many a conversation about the grieving I’m going through, mostly disapproving , I just wish people could put the same effort into trying to accept that whether they think it was appropriate or not I loved him and my loss is no less because of its perceived inappropriateness 

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That is so true!  My heart goes out to you.  We could use a little less judgement and a little more compassion in our world.

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It’s such human nature to judge.  We’ve all done it at some point.  So many factors.  Upbringing.  Experience (having done or been the recipient of actions).   I found as I got older I became more tolerant, but even better, understanding that there is always much more to a story than we used to take the time to listen to.  Plus people hate to be wrong in their judgements.  This can extend to choices.  I’m sure I defended what I knew were bad choices when I was very young, even if I knew it!  

But grief is a while nuther thing.  It’s not something we chose.  We dont get to say.....yeah, I’ll go for it or nah, I think I’ll skip it.  It’s real.  It’s not optional.  It’s not an elective pain to achieve a positive conclusion.  (Thinking plastic surgery here as an example). 

There’s a whole world out there looking for things to judge, this is a safe place to share our grief with others and if they disagree, they can post it, but I’ve never seen it posted.  I, like everyone, rely on that sense of call.  I have asked questions of people to help me understand their choices, but that is all I will allow myself in a public venue.  

I hope you find some help here, Ann.   Maybe if you shared more if what you are experiencing as you walk this path.

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Hello AnnJ,

   Welcome. I too am coping with disenfranchised grief, and for me the most helpful thing was to connect with others who were close to him. Can you filter your circle of mutual friends for those who are supportive, not judgmental?  And,  It sounds like his daughters appreciate you, do you have any communication with them?  

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Hi Razorcalm

Thank you for your reply. I do feel for you it’s like it makes the grief harder. All our mutual friends are, if not to my face, at best dismissive at worst disapproving. His family have been fabulous, especially his eldest daughter, we didn’t know each other prior to his death but we have leaned heavily (electronically because of lockdown- though we are due to meet next week)on each other  but here is the rub; and before I explain my feelings on this I am in no way belittling the grief I know many people on here are experiencing at the loss of their parents. Both mine are gone and I still miss them. Its the way of the world that we lose our parents and his daughters will get to terms with it eventually and THE last thing I would ever want to do was to prolong their grief. I’d hate to message her one day upset, as we both do to each other currently, only for her to think - “God I wish she’d stop, I’m getting over losing Dad and she’s holding me back”. Now I have said this to her but she dismisses it I really don’t want to add to it. 

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I can assure you that, for those of us who've loved and lost our fathers, "getting over losing Dad" is not going to happen. My father died 42 years ago, and I still think of him, remember him, try my best to honor his memory, and miss his presence every day of my life. 

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My mom told me she appreciated me bring up Daddy to her and talking about him with her, she said other people act like he never existed, never mention him.  I will always miss my dad, he was a sweetheart.  He died when I was 29 and expecting my first child, he missed so much.  I am sorry you and she are missing him, but it's something you can share in without fear of setting her back.  This is a long journey without ending, we gradually adjust to the changes it means for us, but always we love and miss them.

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Thank you both. I was just afraid I might do her more harm than good, I’m probably overthinking it. He adored his children and grandchildren and I’d only ever want to do them good in his absence. Already when I talk to her she says things like “that’s just what Dad would have advised”  and her younger sister, they are 40 & 29 respectively, said to her of me “she was brought to us by Dad” 

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I would go for it, if I were you. It sounds like you bring them much joy and comfort. 

I visited my friend's country earlier this year and arranged to meet with his wife and daughters. The younger one (age 15) did not join us, I think for the reason you feared. But that did not stop his wife and older daughter (20) -we all went out for a very enjoyable dinner. We didn't talk about him that much - mostly, I asked them to tell me about their lives in the countries they had lived in due to his work. At the end of the evening his daughter said "My dad was lucky to have you as his friend". It was heartwarming. 

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You are their connection to their dad, and as such, they will treasure you.  Some adult children do not view it that way so I am VERY glad that's how it is for you!

Yesterday I ran into my ex-fiance's granddaughter, she was a teenager when we were together, now she's grown and married.  She talked with me at length about how much she misses him as his XW always listens in, butts in, and they never have alone time to do things together like they used to.  I told her I'd thought it was just me and she assured me it wasn't, it's that way with everyone now.  I'm sorry to hear that.  I told her that her grandmother very much wants them to be a "couple" (they're not, although he took her in when she was homeless) and she interjects herself I believe in an effort to be just that.  I encouraged her to talk to her "papa" and tell him she needs alone time to be with him, to talk with him without prying ears.  I found it sad that she doesn't have a relationship with her mom or grandma, I know the family is dysfunctional, but still...  She's young though, she may come back around later on.  My own mom was about as challenging a person as I ever knew but I kept a relationship with her...some cannot, I totally get that.  
Cierra lived with her "papa" for years, so it's natural she is close to him.  It did feel good to know she has missed me and still thinks of me.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Grieving can be lonely, no matter what. 

Since you're in a long-term relationship, (and you make no mention of leaving) I would suggest extreme discretion in who you confide in, if anyone.

Not judging here, as I had an affair during my marriage. I own the fact that I betrayed my marriage vows. It lasted about two years. I don't think my husband knew. If he did, he never said anything. When it ended, I was very sad, but there was nothing I could do, and no one really I could confide in.  That would only increase the chances my husband could have found out. I didn't want to hurt him (even as angry as I was with him at the time.)  

In time, the pain evolved into a more manageable form.  We stayed in contact. He contracted cancer, was 'cured' and it recurred. We contact one another every now and then, but I am mindful of several things: It's very easy to love someone you don't live with, and hard to stay in love with one you do. My affair man and I met owing to a shared hobby. We only had fun together, we met for a few hours a month. We didn't have time or opportunity to get irritated with one another. When my husband died, the man I had an affair with expressed his condolences, but there was no offer to leave his own partner and move forward with me. We actually were intimate a few times after my husband's passing, but that was a mistake. My affection for a man who wasn't available was keeping me from giving my all to establishing myself as a single, available person. A part-time man-friend was not what I wanted. So, I ended the intimate relationship - again. I think about him probably daily. The cancer will get him, eventually, and I will be sad for his passing. The sadness will be one that I can't fully share with my current man-friend, as infidelity in marriage would be something he couldn't see past, even if it wasn't with him.

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Thank you for reaching out. It’s probably too late to be cautious, I’ve made no secret of how I felt about Tom. I genuinely don’t care what people think of me. If our friends can’t accept me and my feelings then I see that as their issue not mine.  In fact the way I see it is if Tom’s family can accept me and welcome me as they have then so should everyone else.My grief is no ones else’s business to accept, it’s a fact of my life.  It’s actually quite liberating not to care what people think of you. The only person who is entitled to an opinion on this is my partner and to his credit he has been hugely supportive. I’ve never outright told him I was in love with Tom, but he’s no fool. We often talk about Tom. Equally he’s intelligent enough to realise that there is no point in fighting with a dead man’s memory. I wasn’t intimate with Tom, but our time ran out and I think we would have been. If I learned anything in the last year it’s that life is not black and white and you can’t help your feelings. I think I still love my partner, I definitely still care for him deeply. In fact he goes in hospital this week and the one person who I’d of turned to for support about it  and have done in the past was Tom. I need to work through my grief and I’ve discovered I’m not a person who can do that in secret. With the exception of my partner if the people in my life can’t accept and support that,  it begs the question should they be in my life?. 

 

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I had a boyfriend who cheated on me. He made no effort to hide his actions, and told his friends. It was very hurtful. 

I certainly understand things aren't black and white. Owing to how I had been treated I guess I figured my husband deserved not to be hurt or humiliated by my indiscretions. Some of my friends would have been disappointed. One of them had just found out his partner of two decades had never been faithful, at all. For those who feel it's a deal-breaker, I certainly would have understood if we'd parted ways. 

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Many fall into emotional affairs never intending it to go that way, surprised by how they connected so well.  That your husband is so understanding shows there is much hope in the future for your relationship.   Safeguards are often crossed long before people realize there was a need for them.  Once there, very hard to hit "undo" and often do not want to.  This is NOT a place of judgement, but support, we are here for you, we care about your feelings and what you are going through.  I agree with your honesty and agree you do not need to justify or defend yourself to others.  I also understand ipswitch' desire to shield her husband and not cause him pain, although sometimes people pick up on things without us explaining to them in words.  Hard situations, no doubt about it!  But both of you have a matter of fact approach to it and seem to have found strength within you to get through it.

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As we all are but mere humans, there is always that judgement side of us.  I agree with Kay.  This is a place of support.  Whatever judgements we may have shouldn’t be voiced here.  There is private contact for that if one feels that strongly.  Otherwise, it’s wiser to just skip it.  There are caring ways to respond sometimes, but disapproval is not one.  It’s a dilemma how to approach.  All we can do is add our closest experiences that is in no way pointing a finger at anyone.   We have to tread most carefully in grief.  In ours and in others.

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Fascinating to follow this thread. I, too, am dealing with the fallout of a transcendent emotional affair that was both spawned, and truncated by his cancer. Somewhere Erich Segal wrote (not in Love Story)  “I began to believe that we were the playthings of a cruel destiny that brought us together only to cause us the greater pain of tearing us apart”. Cheap, sentimental prose  that just about sums it up. It is such an irony that the illness that killed him is also what gave him to me. We had known each other for many, many years, but because of our physical distance, we did not communicate regularly until he told me of his cancer. Not long after we started emailing and texting regularly, we fell in love. I did see him in person twice during his last year, but we did not go beyond holding hands and kissing. There were plans for a third meeting, that, had he lived, would have taken place 6 weeks after he died. I have thought alot about whether we would have gotten seriously physical at that meeting that never happened, but I doubt I would have gone through with it. Because (not necessarily in this order) I had enough to deal with emotionally without piling on infidelity; I worried it could give him a heart attack; I figured it would make the loss even harder after he died; I knew that I would want to give, and seek comfort from his family after his death, and I could not have looked them in the eye if we had been intimate.  My husband was well aware of our friendship, and clearly understood that he wasn't just another colleague. But, husband did not feel threatened by the terminally ill guy overseas with a colostomy...

 

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Some years ago, I ran across a blog written by someone with a PhD in psychology or psychotherapy or something, who posted an entry about something s/he referred to as  "seasonal soulmates."  In this blog entry, it was theorized that people can be soulmates for a shared moment of chit-chat, an hour's heart-to-heart conversation, a day's romp out in nature, a summertime fling before going back to routine life, or a lifetime relationship, and it need not be a relationship that includes personal intimacy.  Sometimes one soul recognizes another, for whatever cosmic reason, and nothing will do but they must connect and enjoy one another's company, for however long, in whatever form.  Sometimes the connection doesn't mesh with society's expectations or rules, and sometimes the price is too high for one to pay, and things go awry. 

I know what it's like to have my primary relationship frowned on or sneered at, but at least when the time came, the supporters silenced the saboteurs.

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Razorcalm that definitely resonates, thank you. Tom died of a sudden massive heart attack. I’ve often thought had circumstances allowed, and pre covid they were definitely heading that way until we had to social distance (though we still met) that had we got intimate I may have been the cause of that heart attack. I thank God that that wasn’t the case. I’m very lucky that my partner of 35 years is so supportive, though I now try to hide my upset as the bloke has put up with enough, but we still talk of Tom . 

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Razorclam, thank you for sharing on such a personal level...this truly is that safe place we can be ourselves w/o masks figuratively or otherwise!  

Kieron, that IS beautiful!  I am saving it...

Ann, I am glad you have a husband so understanding.  I wish you many more years ahead!

 

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