Help understanding a friend's grief. Friend (mostly) not talking after loss

[FirTrees]

(I'm new here so I hope this is the right section).

 

I met a woman through an online dating service some time ago. For other reasons, she was actually not ready to have a relationship (and we never met in person). But we stayed talking regularly (every few days) after that, just about our lives etc. for months/years.

 

9 months ago, she lost her mum and suddenly she stopped talking. The thing is she never told me she lost her mum, she stopped replying, and I found out only accidentally (and she doesn't know that I know). At first I was so worried, but a month or so later she eventually replied telling me she was fine, she appreciated it, but not to worry, and that I needed to live my life.

 

After that I only message her occasionally. Some times she replies, some times she doesn't. Lately I only message every month, or two months. I try to keep it light-hearted, no pressure to reply, while at the same time including a standard short message that I hope she's ok.

 

There now has been a long period where she hasn't responded at all (4 months) and I don't know whether I should keep messaging every so often or not. I've tried to read about different people's experience of grieving, and articles about helping those you know who are grieving. Unfortunately, most of the advice is what to say or do to your friend and not what to do if they can't talk. A lot of things I read are the other way round, i.e. grieving people upset people are not speaking to them.

 

I did read this, https://tealashes.com/2014/02/10/give_grieving_friends_breathing_room_but_stick_around/ and the comments, which were really interesting. Is this something that other grieving people can relate to? Because this seems to suggest that I should continue, and just that my friend is too overwhelmed right now.

 

I guess my question is what I should do in this situation.

 

But also, for those who grieving, particularly their mum, it would be good to hear your perspective on my friend.

And also, how were you feeling each month after your loss? For example, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 etc months after? I realise grief is so different for everyone but it would be good to understand more what my friend is going through.

 

I am a M (26) and she is F (28).

 

[kayc]

I am so glad you came here...so often people who haven't been through it do not know how to respond appropriately and either say the wrong things or disappear.  Neither is helpful.

There is so much information on this site and it might help to read an article a day as to try to tackle reading all of these at once could be overwhelming (and time consuming) and harder to retain.  Here are some articles that are designed to answer some of your questions.  No one can tell you what to expect at certain months as this is a long (rest of our lives) process that gradually evolves and our journeys and responses are as unique as we are, our relationships, our coping skills, etc.  I can tell you that around six months is one of the hardest times as often support dries up, shock wears off and reality sets in, but even that time frame varies.  Often we're unprepared for year two seeming just as hard as the first year was because we realize going through all of the "firsts without" are difficult, but year two doesn't seem to diminish much in intensity either.  These all might be a moot point in your friend's case as you no longer have contact.  It will be important to respect her wishes, it would have a detrimental effect to infiltrate when she's made her wishes clear to you.  It doesn't seem in your best interests to stay in a never-land holding pattern for long!
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/01/when-death-happens-tips-for-helping.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
https://themighty.com/2016/12/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving/
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/01/what-to-say-or-not-to-person-in-grief.html
https://www.griefhealing.com/column-words-of-comfort.htm
https://www.griefhealing.com/column-words-to-avoid.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/10/how-we-mourn-understanding-our.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/02/common-myths-and-misconceptions-about.html
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/943-different-ways-of-grieving/?tab=comments#comment-3749
 

I also want to point out that what is happening in your situation happens a LOT to those in a relationship, whether long distance or not.  My fiance of a year broke up with me (by Fed Ex) when his mom was dying.  I have found this is often a common grief response esp. to those in a relationship because the griever feels they have NOTHING to give and thus the relationship feels like pressure to them.  For their own self-preservation they "take a break" from the relationship but my observance from others here is they do not come back to the relationship as it was, and usually not even as friends.  In my case we had several months of no contact, then he resumed contact but was all over the place, clearly did not know his mind.  I accepted that we would not get back together as it was and we remained friends over the years...however, he has had his XW living with him the last few years.  He says they are not a couple but I think she'd prefer to be, we don't have much contact anymore.  I still care about him but it's pretty much gone by the way.  I am glad I did what I could to protect myself, that was wise.  In these situations I tell people to focus on themselves, as their ex is definitely doing the same.  Do keep busy and focus on your family/friends, I know, hard to do during this pandemic!  That only serves to make it all the more challenging during this time.
I just read these article today and think it might be of help to you:
https://www.ambiguousloss.com/about/
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/unresolved-grief-when-loved-one-is.html

[FirTrees]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I am so glad you came here...so often people who haven't been through it do not know how to respond appropriately and either say the wrong things or disappear.  Neither is helpful.

There is so much information on this site and it might help to read an article a day as to try to tackle reading all of these at once could be overwhelming (and time consuming) and harder to retain.  Here are some articles that are designed to answer some of your questions.  No one can tell you what to expect at certain months as this is a long (rest of our lives) process that gradually evolves and our journeys and responses are as unique as we are, our relationships, our coping skills, etc.  I can tell you that around six months is one of the hardest times as often support dries up, shock wears off and reality sets in, but even that time frame varies.  Often we're unprepared for year two seeming just as hard as the first year was because we realize going through all of the "firsts without" are difficult, but year two doesn't seem to diminish much in intensity either.  These all might be a moot point in your friend's case as you no longer have contact.  It will be important to respect her wishes, it would have a detrimental effect to infiltrate when she's made her wishes clear to you.  It doesn't seem in your best interests to stay in a never-land holding pattern for long!
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/01/when-death-happens-tips-for-helping.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
https://themighty.com/2016/12/what-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving/
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2018/01/what-to-say-or-not-to-person-in-grief.html
https://www.griefhealing.com/column-words-of-comfort.htm
https://www.griefhealing.com/column-words-to-avoid.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/10/how-we-mourn-understanding-our.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/02/common-myths-and-misconceptions-about.html
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/943-different-ways-of-grieving/?tab=comments#comment-3749
 

I also want to point out that what is happening in your situation happens a LOT to those in a relationship, whether long distance or not.  My fiance of a year broke up with me (by Fed Ex) when his mom was dying.  I have found this is often a common grief response esp. to those in a relationship because the griever feels they have NOTHING to give and thus the relationship feels like pressure to them.  For their own self-preservation they "take a break" from the relationship but my observance from others here is they do not come back to the relationship as it was, and usually not even as friends.  In my case we had several months of no contact, then he resumed contact but was all over the place, clearly did not know his mind.  I accepted that we would not get back together as it was and we remained friends over the years...however, he has had his XW living with him the last few years.  He says they are not a couple but I think she'd prefer to be, we don't have much contact anymore.  I still care about him but it's pretty much gone by the way.  I am glad I did what I could to protect myself, that was wise.  In these situations I tell people to focus on themselves, as their ex is definitely doing the same.  Do keep busy and focus on your family/friends, I know, hard to do during this pandemic!  That only serves to make it all the more challenging during this time.
I just read these article today and think it might be of help to you:
https://www.ambiguousloss.com/about/
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/unresolved-grief-when-loved-one-is.html

Thank you very much for your reply kayc and your links which you have posted. I will try and read them when I can.

The thing is I don't really know what her wishes are. It's true at the beginning, when I messaged a few times a bit too frantically (I had no idea what had happened, whether she was seriously hurt, had been attacked etc.) she told me she appreciated my concern, but not to worry and she was fine, and that I should live my life.

But then after that, I slowed/calmed down, she does respond to a lot of messages, I would say around 75%. She doesn't mention why she doesn't respond to some and I don't push her. But for example, we messaged on Christmas, New Year, when I went on holiday in February quite normally (if brief. it almost seems like it wears her out to reply, and often it will take her a day to respond back). At one point she admitted the past year had been so hard (but again wouldn't say that she is grieving).

She will never respond if I start the message by asking how she is though, neither to messages expressing my support. I don't know if that means she doesn't want to talk about it or is not ready to. Her personality is private and she is quite self-conscious.

It's only the last 4 months she has not responded. You mentioned the 6 month mark being hard, which would coincide. And of course, the current coronavirus situation. I am concerned that this has seriously affected her, given she lives alone and will be working at home alone too.

I had a quick look at 1 or 2 of the articles you posted. A lot of the advice seems to be along the lines of e.g. 'Show up. Say something. Do something.' Also, I don't know if you read that article I posted, 'Give Grieving Friends Breathing Room, but Stick Around' the poster also responds to a comment saying it is better to keep communication, infrequently, even if they don't respond. Which makes it sound like I should not totally cut contact and stop messaging. It's difficult to know what to do. 

I am very sorry to read about your situation too. I don't know if the romantic angle will affect my case as well (she knows I like her, but we've never even met). I don't want her to feel any pressure, that she has to give anything to me.

[kayc]

It all depends...when they have completely broken off and do not wish contact whatsoever, I would respect that.  Understand they may never want the relationship back as it was.  But if they are truly just wanting some space and keeping occasional contact, it is up to you how you proceed with that.  I would not put my life on hold indefinitely for someone who claims to not want to be with me anymore, I owe it to myself to do what is healthy for me.  I wish you all the best.

I do consider Jim and my situation a positive outcome even though we were no longer a "couple" because we have maintained a friendship in the ten years since, but we had no contact for four months initially, his choice.  When we resumed contact (his choice again) he was yanking me all over the place emotionally, and it is then I knew I must protect my heart and not put stock by whatever he was saying at the moment because it'd change like the wind five minutes later!  You can read my story here, and see the process and struggles, the pain it put me through.  I am okay now but it's been ten years since all of this happened!