Camera roll

[Sara7]

I went to upload a profile picture here. I had to scroll through all of my photos to find one. Seeing my mom in all of these pictures, where I have so many wonderful memories... it was painful. I don't know why but I have a hard time looking at pictures of her. My coping mechanism has been to accept accept accept. I find myself turning away when I see her on a picture on the wall or anything like that. She was just here a few weeks ago, vibrant and energetic just like in the pictures. What is my life to be without her. It pains me to think about💔

[kayc]

When my husband died, it was very painful for me to see pictures of him...I took them down, put them up, multiple times depending on how it affected me, finally they were up to stay.  It brings me much comfort to see pictures of him now but it took a while for that early grief pain to subside enough to get to that place...a good long while.  So sorry for your loss.

1 hour ago, Sara7 said:

What is my life to be without her.

You will be the wonderful adult and mother she raised you to be...thinking, caring, mature.  It's hard doing without our parents, even as a grownup, I lost my father in my 20s while awaiting the birth of my first child.  It's hard losing that person you count on, have history with, the one who knows you and is always there.  But we make it, it's just not like we'd hoped it would be.

[Sara7]

Thank you, that was beautiful ❤ 

It brings me a lot of comfort to know that it will get better with the pictures. I was thinking that I don't have a photo of my mom in my apartment, that I really wanted to... but it would hurt too bad to see my mom's smile every day and know that I'll never get to see it again. 

One day, I will look at her smiling face on a beautiful photo - my mom was known for her beauty - every day and smile back and feel her presence. Maybe like a morning ritual. I look forward to that 😊💛

[kayc]

This is a journey and you are my fellow sojourner.  I look at my husband's picture often, it's up on the wall.  It's been 15 years, I don't remember how long into this I was when his picture brought me comfort, but we are each individual in our time frame anyway so that doesn't matter.  Praying for comfort and peace to come your way.

[jc1030]

Hello @Sara7, reading your post is reminding me of what I'm dealing with right now.  My mother died at the end of July, and I have been staying at the family home since I started caring for her during the last months of her life; a house which I hope will become mine once the estate process goes completely through.  It's overwhelming right now to be surrounded by photos and memories.  One night I decided to look at the old family photo albums for the first time in years and suffice to say I became an emotional mess.  Recently I had a locksmith open a cabinet because I couldn't find the key, and it was also filled with memories.  To see photos of her when she was much much younger made me even more of a mess.  Like you and everyone else in this group, hopefully the journey will take me to a place where I will look at photos of her and remember back to the happier times once the pain subsides.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, jc1030 said:

hopefully the journey will take me to a place where I will look at photos of her and remember back to the happier times once the pain subsides.

It should.  

[Sara7]

Hi, jc1030. My mother died at the end of June. I stayed with my father for the last 3 months of her being sick. My father is almost completely blind. Helpless without my mom. I couldn't look at the pictures of her on the walls. It was too hard. Now, I am able to. But I still feel myself hardening myself so that I don't get emotional. But it doesn't kill me anymore to see her face. It was a beautiful face and was always carrying a smile. Now I am able to feel thankful of the happy memories I had with her, when looking at pictures. Grief is a journey and one with many different stages. It never gets easy but becomes something we can manage to carry, with time. 

I have suffered more loss since losing my mom. My dad was a recovering addict and has fallen off the wagon. I had planned to stay and be with him for a couple of months. But I had to escape suddenly with my daughter. He has a bad temper when he drinks and he got violent. I tried so hard to make him stop drinking. Cried on my knees and begged him to not do this to me and my daughter. He is all we have now. But he chose pills and alcohol. So now I can't even go back to the home my mom created for us. Where I feel her presence and feel like everything will be ok. I didn't get to bring any pictures with me. I kind of feel like I have lost everything. I can't go back while he is like this. It brings back too many painful memories and feelings of not feeling safe and afraid, that I have spent my whole life recovering from. I just can't. I had to walk away and I will never look back if he doesn't get help. 

Didn't mean to get so depressing. It's just so easy to speak your mind with someone that is grieving as well. You don't have to speak as if everything will be ok so that the people that asked, can feel better and walk away from you not feeling bad. I'm having a bad day. I should not have replied today, but I wish you well. I had many days breaking down. It gets further between each time, until it's not breakdowns anymore, just intense nostalgia and love for that person that can never be replaced♡

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Sara7 said:

Cried on my knees and begged him to not do this to me and my daughter. He is all we have now. But he chose pills and alcohol.

I know what it's like to have addictive people in your family.  I have a sister who is alcoholic, although she hasn't drank but once in the last 40+ years.  BUT she's also a gambler, and when we were together for our once a year sisters reunion she would not drive me back to the hospital to be with my husband, that weekend he died of a heart attack.  She instead said she wanted to stay and gamble (which I do not do).  I missed getting to have a last conversation with him because she chose her gambling over our crisis.  That is addiction and that is what it does to people.  Last year she had spinal surgery, which I fought the doctors to get it for her!  She was in rehab a month, without cigarettes and she instead lit up and chain smoked the moment she got home.  I told her she chose her cigarettes over having me be able to help her as she knows I can't be around it with my allergies and Asthma.  Again, that is what addiction does to people.  It defies common sense or rationale.  It has a hold of them. 

I'm sorry your dad gets violent, I had a mother like that, only she didn't need alcohol to bring it on.  You did right by leaving and protecting your daughter!  I hope you have a good place to be.

It's okay that you let it out here, we understand.  And we all have bad days.