Haunted by his words, the images and the sounds. I can't get it out of my head

[KarenK]

Ana, you have expressed perfectly what many of us feel. The days where darkness blots out the light are part of our existence.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

Ana, you are so right.  It does not matter our age or the number of years.  Isn't it wonderful to have loved someone so much, no matter how many years.  

This is one I see as very confusing looking at my mother’s life.  I was told she and my father were like the fairy tale couple.  She lost him when I was one, I don’t know how long they had but she had my sister at 26 and me at 38..  3 years later she married a man I considered my father.  She would never speak of my father.  She called his sister a friend she had, we had no idea she was my aunt.  It wasn’t she contacted me did I learn the truth.  I found albums of pictures of my biological father and their life together.  She lived 2 lives as they tried  for children and lost both.  It was like she lived the rest of her life in silent grief.  I can’t imagine it.  My father adored me I was told and my stepfather was a dad in every sense of the word.  My sister suffered from this as she knew our father for 13 years and never accepted a new dad. My mother was the first widow of 7 sisters.  I know she loved both men.  I wish I could talk to her about the path she walked.  I do remember how distraught she became the 2 times Steve and I separated.  There was a pain in her as she knew we were soulmates.  She  reacted so strongly that I would lose something so precious.  I can’t imagine the weight she carried even tho she loved again but chose not to share it with anyone I knew of.except her sisters as she moved to be close to 4 who had relocated to Albuquerque from new York.  A strong woman to move with 2 kids to an alien place to start over with their support.  My dad’s sister told me their wonderful love story.  I watched the one she had with my stepdad. My sister remained estranged as soon as she left home.  Never interacting with the family again.  

[Missy1965]

I'm sorry. I may have been misunderstood. In no way, shape or form am I even remotely close to wanting to be in another relationship. The thought sickens me. I'm 55 years old and as far as I'm concerned, he was my one and only. My end. The last man I will ever love. I just meant that it's discouraging to see so many still grieving so painfully years after their spouses passed. I understand the pain never really goes away if one truly loved his/her spouse and the memories will always be there. I was just saying that I can't imagine being in the raw stages of grief for YEARS. I believe I would die of a broken heart or take my own life.

I'm still dealing with a lot of regret like the times he wanted me to hang out on the balcony with him and his friends and I was selfish in wanting my time to myself after work, or I didn't have my bra on and didn't feel like putting it on. I hope he forgave me 😞

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It was like she lived the rest of her life in silent grief.

It goes to show how uniquely we all grieve, some carry in silence, others more vocal but one thing we do know, it impacts us greatly.

Missy, I did not get anywhere that you were seeking another relationship!  55 is young to suffer such loss, I was 52 (he had just turned 51) when I went through it.  Knowing my family lives well into their 90s I knew I would likely have forty years without him...that hit me hard!  I've learned to take one day at a time and try not to think about the whole "rest of my life!"
I would not say those of us here continue in "raw stages" those days of learning they died and not knowing how to do this, it was very hard and nothing like it.  Grief doesn't have an ending, rather, it evolves and the learning we do about it helps us adjust to some degree so that we can at least be functional and hopefully someday be able to see/build something good into our lives.  Some stay purposefully in the same place and I don't see that as healthy but we all do this uniquely our own way.

[MartyT]

55 minutes ago, Missy1965 said:

I can't imagine being in the raw stages of grief for YEARS.

This is why it's essential to understand that everyone's grief path is unique to that individual person. Way too many factors are involved: the person's relationship to the one who died; his or her individual personality traits; past experience with profound loss; personal system of values and beliefs; available support system; gender; age ~ to name a few! ♥️

[KarenK]

Missy, I never thought you were interested in a new relationship, but you seemed a bit critical of us by saying we depressed you. I thought perhaps you didn't want to be around us anymore. We never intend to drive anyone away.

I don't think that most of us(except newer people) are experiencing raw grief, rather the ongoing grief of missing the person who was always by our side, be it 10 years or 60. We no longer have that person to help shoulder the trials and tribulations called life. It can be depressing and since we have become friends and feel safe here, we express these depressing things, any and all of them.

I think some adapt better and faster to their "new normal". For some of us it's harder. I lost my daughter a year after losing my husband. It is a lot to process.

Please be part of our "tribe".

[Missy1965]

I keep replaying the week in the hospital over and over in my head. Lucid moments, confused, lucid, confused...I feel like I gave up on him...like something could've been done.

[MartyT]

I don't mean to discount or minimize what you are thinking and feeling, Missy ~ but so much of what you describe relates to the fact that your beloved suffered from the disease of alcoholism, and you are still struggling with detaching yourself from the relationship you had with him. I don't know how much you know about alcoholism, including co-dependency and the dysfunctional relationships that surround this disease, but for your own sake, I hope you will consider learning as much as you can about it ~ because I do think this is a complicating factor in your grief. Have you given any thought to contacting Al-Anon? 

[Missy1965]

Is it too soon to start volunteering at a therapeutic horseback riding stable? We went everywhere together in my car and I don't know if I'm ready to get in it without wishing he was beside me listening to his favorite songs over and over, turned up too loud. He knew I love horses and always wanted me to be able to be around them, but he would've wanted to go with me. I feel sick and anxious today. I haven't slept in more than 24 hours. 

[Gwenivere]

I, also, was not suggesting there be another relationship in your future.  I totally get my husband was the last man to ever have my heart.  He took it with him.   I have none to give nor do I want to.  

It sounded like you were going to leave here, which is certainly your right to do.  I’m not sure you feel you are getting the support you are looking for.  I’m not trying to be be critical, but many have offered you their heartfelt feelings and I feel a resistance in acknowledgment.  I know your mind is all over the place so maybe I am being harsh.  But people are reaching out to you.  Trying to help which stirs up their personal pain.  

I don’t know if you should volunteer with horses. I see you more trying to escape the pain you absolutely must face about his loss.  About the ways you feel you contributed.  You have so many chains that need to be loosened and shed, but you struggle within them not seeing how they are strangling you.  Not sleeping for 24 hours adds to cognitive complications.  IMO, you would be better sleeping the day away tho that is seen as not healthy either, but you must rest your mind..

I'm sorry if this post is too harsh.  I just don’t know how to reach you and it seems others haven’t either.  And I know we so want to.   But you have to stop running.  That’s how I see it and if I hurt you, I apologize.

[Missy1965]

41 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I, also, was not suggesting there be another relationship in your future.  I totally get my husband was the last man to ever have my heart.  He took it with him.   I have none to give nor do I want to.  

It sounded like you were going to leave here, which is certainly your right to do.  I’m not sure you feel you are getting the support you are looking for.  I’m not trying to be be critical, but many have offered you their heartfelt feelings and I feel a resistance in acknowledgment.  I know your mind is all over the place so maybe I am being harsh.  But people are reaching out to you.  Trying to help which stirs up their personal pain.  

I don’t know if you should volunteer with horses. I see you more trying to escape the pain you absolutely must face about his loss.  About the ways you feel you contributed.  You have so many chains that need to be loosened and shed, but you struggle within them not seeing how they are strangling you.  Not sleeping for 24 hours adds to cognitive complications.  IMO, you would be better sleeping the day away tho that is seen as not healthy either, but you must rest your mind..

I'm sorry if this post is too harsh.  I just don’t know how to reach you and it seems others haven’t either.  And I know we so want to.   But you have to stop running.  That’s how I see it and if I hurt you, I apologize.

You didn't hurt me and you're right, I'm trying to escape the pain. Right now I feel as if I am not going to make it. The week in the hospital, his illness, my feelings of guilt and regret...all these things have me bound so tightly and I don't know where to even begin. I can't even drive my car without seeing him beside me. I don't even want to live anymore. I pray God has mercy on me and takes me home asap. I just want to be at peace and see him again. I can't even say his name 😞

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

You didn't hurt me and you're right, I'm trying to escape the pain. Right now I feel as if I am not going to make it. The week in the hospital, his illness, my feelings of guilt and regret...all these things have me bound so tightly and I don't know where to even begin. I can't even drive my car without seeing him beside me. I don't even want to live anymore. I pray God has mercy on me and takes me home asap. I just want to be at peace and see him again. I can't even say his name 😞

Missy1965, what you share and experience is very common as you sore out this grief and pain.  One of the lessons I have learned on this journey is that "Feelings are not Facts, yet when examined will lead us to Truth.  You are still in the early phase of "Shock and Awe" that I went through just learning to accept life as it unfolds.  I could sleep, I couldn't eat and at times led to even breathe.  This safe place gave me shelter, comfort, and a place to share my struggles with the lost of my beloved wife.  Grief takes additional energy.  Take care of yourself, your body, even though you don't FEEL like it.  Please continue to share and learn these great tools and resources MartyT provides us to help us on our journey.  You are not alone... We care for you! (Shalom) Peace

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I don't even want to live anymore. I pray God has mercy on me and takes me home asap. I just want to be at peace and see him again. I can't even say his name 😞

I understand all too well.  Many of us flirted with the idea of following.  Begged whatever power we believed in to take us too.  I don’t know if there is a true peace.  I can only see that if the love died and that won’t happen.  I have so few real world people that care about me now.  So many followed it was kinda spooky.  I needed them and they were gone too.  I know if he would appear and ask me to join him, I wouldn’t even ask where, I’d go.  George is right in his sharing above.  Without this place I don’t know how I’d make it thru a day.  People   that know me better than most I am around in person because we are in this together.  I had Steve’s sister for 4 months after he left and she was a widow too.  She could guide and understand, but she left.  Her sons feel it was losing her brother that broke her as they were so tight.  Showed me the power of love lost in so many forms.

i do not usually make suggestions.  But one you may want to consider is saying his name.  Sharing it so we know him a bit.  You say it in your head, maybe you can say it to breathe some life and love into your memories.  If not, that’s OK too.  I just remember a saying I heard a long time ago that someone is really not totally gone as long as they are remembered and talked about.  This shows how different this is for everyone.  I couldn’t stop saying, sobbing, screaming his name.  My heart would break if a show or the news had a Steve in it.  Getting the mail would break my heart.  But. I kept his name on our checks, still do.  But at 5 years, I can’t listen to his music he recorded.  Couldn’t look at pictures for 2 years.  

All I know with absolute certainty is you can’t outrun grief.  It’s a marathon runnner with endless energy.  But you can turn and face it.  Halt it and confront it.  It will hurt.  But you have love on your side and it’s amazing how strong a tool that is even in unspeakable pain.

 I’m glad I didn’t offend you.  I can only offer what happened to me and maybe some will help.  The rest you just kick aside as this is your unique journey.  How you do it will be supported however you need here.  

[Missy1965]

His name is Brian 😞 He was the most tenderhearted, funny, sweet man who would go out of his way to help others. A truly beautiful soul. He loved the beach and wanted to be a beach bum. He loved taking care of me and doing things for me. He loved cars and loved taking care of mine. Because of the alcohol, we had a lot of fights but I loved in spite of it. He wanted help and I tried. God knows I tried. He had been to rehab before but didn't want to go back. He wanted to do it on his own. 

I have so many regrets over things I said to him out of anger. I imagine if the roles were reversed, he would be doing and feeling the same way I am now as he said a lot of things too. 

He said in the hospital he wanted to live. I can't get that out of my head. Was it his time? 

[MartyT]

8 minutes ago, Missy1965 said:

He wanted help and I tried. God knows I tried.

I hope you can draw comfort from this fact, Missy. You did all that was in your power to do ~ but the sad reality is that the choice to get the help he needed (and use it) belonged to your beloved Brian, and not to you. We simply cannot force another person to do what we think is best for them, no matter how right we think we may be. When we love someone as much as you love your Brian, that is a most bitter pill to swallow, and a fact so difficult to accept. ♥️

[kayc]

On 7/30/2020 at 8:37 AM, KarenK said:

Missy, I never thought you were interested in a new relationship, but you seemed a bit critical of us by saying we depressed you. I thought perhaps you didn't want to be around us anymore. We never intend to drive anyone away.

I don't think that most of us(except newer people) are experiencing raw grief, rather the ongoing grief of missing the person who was always by our side, be it 10 years or 60. We no longer have that person to help shoulder the trials and tribulations called life. It can be depressing and since we have become friends and feel safe here, we express these depressing things, any and all of them.

I think some adapt better and faster to their "new normal". For some of us it's harder. I lost my daughter a year after losing my husband. It is a lot to process.

Please be part of our "tribe".

Beautifully put, Karen! 

22 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

Is it too soon to start volunteering at a therapeutic horseback riding stable?

There is only one way to know and that is to try it.  In the early time of grief we are not always clear headed enough to know our own minds, but if you try it and it brings you comfort, empowerment, peace or anything positive, then it is good.  If it causes you pain, then it's not the time.  Sometimes things aren't as cut and dry as that, though, sometimes what we get feels bittersweet.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

His name is Brian 😞 He was the most tenderhearted, funny, sweet man who would go out of his way to help others. A truly beautiful soul. He loved the beach and wanted to be a beach bum. He loved taking care of me and doing things for me. He loved cars and loved taking care of mine. Because of the alcohol, we had a lot of fights but I loved in spite of it. He wanted help and I tried. God knows I tried. He had been to rehab before but didn't want to go back. He wanted to do it on his own. 

I have so many regrets over things I said to him out of anger. I imagine if the roles were reversed, he would be doing and feeling the same way I am now as he said a lot of things too. 

He said in the hospital he wanted to live. I can't get that out of my head. Was it his time? 

It’s so hard watching someone harm themselves with their choices.   It’s sad the alcohol created such an influence on your relationship.  We all had fights in ours, but I am qute familiar with alcohol ones.  Mostly because Steve would keep joking around when I was furious he drove or lied to me about the amount he drank.  Fortunately he could bring his to a functional level.  I don’t know if your Brian ever could or not.  Alcoholics are all different.  Rehab works if committed to, not with resistance or if someone hates rules and focuses on that more than the goal.  I’m assuming he did not attend meetings.  Don’t beat yourself up with things you said.  It’s normal to be angry in those situations because you loved him.  If it were a stranger in the street that annoyed you, you’d just walk away.  You couldn’t walk away from him.  The only leverage you had was to issue an ultimatum.  I couldn’t do that as far as ending the relationship, but I did tell him if he was arrested or jailed for hurting someone or caught on his own, I would not help him.  He’d have to do his time.  Face the consequences at work where he was a high level executive.  Pointed out how far reaching his choice would be.  Like your Brian, he was the kindest and most giving soul I knew.  I wanted him to extend that to himself.

im sure he wanted to live because he had you.  It doesn’t sound like he drank from misery.  But maybe there was something he was trying to fill that maybe he didn’t even know?  He could have only found that out with opening up to himself.  It will be a mystery you’ll never have an answer to.  A very heavy added chain to your grief.  I’m so sorry you are left with that added to the already weight you carry.

was it his time?  That’s a question nature said yes to.  Results of his choice.  On a spiritual level, no one has answers for that.  That’s the hard part of this as we all wonder why our loves were snatched away, especially when we look around at people living that hurt, exploit and even kill others.  Innocents that they took and ruined good lives.    

Do you have anyone you can talk to that can help you in your non group life with the questions that come up on this journey?  Someone to lean on and let you cry and get it out and then maybe start helping you try and gather the pieces so you can begin to experience the grief when the shock of trying to escape wears off?  I have a grief counselor that is tremendously helpful even at the times she angers me by pointing out where I keep myself stuck from resistance.  Acceptance took a very long time.  There is so many other possible emotions  like anger, regret, abandonment and just plain wanting them back at any cost.  That is the hardest one.  Wanting them back and knowing it will never be.  For some not ever, some not on this plane depending on their beliefs and gut feelings.  

I’m glad you shared more about Brian.  Sadly, huge questions like if it was his time, why, what should you do are not ones with definite answers anyone can give you.  I wish there were, for all of us.

[Kieron]

7 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I have so many regrets over things I said to him out of anger. I imagine if the roles were reversed, he would be doing and feeling the same way I am now as he said a lot of things too. 

I have those regrets, too.  I think everyone does, even if they don't care to admit it. 

[Missy1965]

Will this fresh hell ever get better? Am I doomed to live in a constant state of horrible sadness and emptiness for the rest of my life?? I don't want to live like this day after day after horrible day!! Is this all there is left? A broken, weepy, half person?? My God I cannot do it!!! Only 10 days and it seems like 10 YEARS!! 

[scba]

2 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

Will this fresh hell ever get better? Am I doomed to live in a constant state of horrible sadness and emptiness for the rest of my life?? I don't want to live like this day after day after horrible day!! Is this all there is left? A broken, weepy, half person?? My God I cannot do it!!! Only 10 days and it seems like 10 YEARS!!

Yes it will, but it won't happen immediately.  I too was scared at the thought that the excruciating pain would last months and months and forever. I carried on by "one day at a time". You are on survival mode, trying catch your breath. You survived yesterday. You will survive today. And tomorrow. So it is really one day at a time. 

Grief evolves and softens, as a stone whose edges are shaped by water and wind. You won't live like this forever, you eventually will learn to coexist. However, it hurts anyway. I'm very sorry. 

[Missy1965]

I know he's not coming back, like I'll wake up and it will all be a bad dream. I feel I'm not in shock like I was the first week. I have cried uncontrollably everyday, I've questioned why, I've dealt with guilt, regret and blame (that's slowly becoming easier to deal with.)

At the moment my biggest struggle, other than missing Brian more than I can ever begin to express, is that I am still being haunted by some of the sights and sounds from his week in the hospital before he went to his Heavenly home. Why did he seem to be getting better? Why did I have to see him cry? The sounds of his breathing and the "death face." This is really messing me up.

I can't even sleep in the middle of the bed. 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

Will this fresh hell ever get better? Am I doomed to live in a constant state of horrible sadness and emptiness for the rest of my life?? I don't want to live like this day after day after horrible day!! Is this all there is left? A broken, weepy, half person?? My God I cannot do it!!! Only 10 days and it seems like 10 YEARS!! 

You are asking the questions we all have/had.  And you wrote the answer yourself.  It’s been only 10 days.  Just keep pouring them out, it is the healthiest thing you can do.  As Ana pointed out, it is a one day at a time, maybe hour at a time in the beginning.  Many of us have logged years and here we-still are.  Not 24/7 consumed, but still vulnerable to triggers.  The day steve died, I did too.  The person I was.  This isntjust learning to live without them, but the person we have become. Forever changed.  

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

like I'll wake up and it will all be a bad dream.

It IS a type of shock, our heads reeling, we can't wrap our minds around it, in a grief fog (brain fog), hard to focus, can't sleep, anxiety through the roof...it's too much for our brain to grasp, too much for our heart to absorb at once!  Feeling as if it is a bad dream you'll wake up from is us not being able to grasp it, in denial, it takes much time to process their death!  You won't feel as you did on day one in ten years, but your adjustment and coping will be so gradual as to seem imperceptible.  Not until you look back to where you were at the beginning and where you are years from now will you see it.  Ten days is VERY early!  As Gwen alluded to, it's only been ten days, hang in there and give yourself the time needed to adjust.  Take one day at a time.  You can do today, do not look as the whole rest of your life looming before you!  It's too much to grasp.  Remember to breathe and exhale.  Drink some water.  So easy to forget to eat or drink something!  I was lucky in those early days to have my daughter following me around the house with food and drink, because I felt like neither.  Edema set in from all the stress, could have damaged my heart, so I was lucky, drinking water is so important to flushing it out!

 

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Missy1965 said:

I can't even sleep in the middle of the bed. 

I still don't sleep in our bed, I took to our reclining loveseat instead...the bed was a reminder of who was gone and how alone I felt.

[Missy1965]

I moved in with my parents and they make me eat even though I don't want to. I've lost 16 pounds. I can only stomach a little at a time. I drink plenty of fluids. I don't sleep in the bed Brian and I shared together but I long for him to be beside me. I may go horseback riding today with one of my sons. 

Someone please tell me how to overcome the bad images from his hospital stay. I feel it is getting in the way of even beginning to cope.