Mornings without Mom

[fae]

So, I’m 20 years old & lost my mom May 26, 2020. She went into the hospital on my birthday, just about two weeks earlier than the day she died, and was told she had cirrhosis of her liver. My mom had hemochromatosis which already set her life expectancy back a bit (her grandmother died at the age of 53 from the same illness) but she was also a heavy drinker. 

At first, her doctors told us she would probably need a transplant, but she’d be fine. it was early. After hearing this, I decided not to go see her immediately as the COVID-19 pandemic was making it to where no one was allowed to see her anyways, and I go to school 4 hours away from home. Within two weeks, all of her major organs had gone into failure & she wasn’t conscious the last two days she was alive. 

I had traveled home & stayed when things started getting bad, and even got to have one more conversation with her before she was too far gone. My problem now is this, though; I have lost my mother, the woman whose hip i was attached to for the first four years of my life. we had a rocky relationship when i was a teenager, and i let myself use that as an excuse to distance myself from my parents when I moved for school. 

It’s now been 2 months since she’s passed & for a little over a week, every morning is impossible. I can’t wake up to alarms, but sure... I’ve never been a morning person. Within moments of waking up, though, I find myself lashing out at my boyfriend and breaking down into sobbing fits. I missed work yesterday because I couldn’t pull myself out of bed. It does get easier to handle my thoughts and emotions throughout the day, but mornings come too soon, and they’re never the sun-shine and bird-songs they once were. Every morning is a reminder that she’s gone & I’m not sure how to handle any of this. My father is a mess, my brothers rely on me & my younger brother is only just now 12. My entire life has fallen apart and every morning is a cold reminder of just that. I feel like I’m unintentionally putting distance between myself and my boyfriend, and that he’s taking my anger towards everything else in the world personally. I miss my mother, and I regret every foul word I’ve ever uttered to or about her. I wish i had more time. It wasn’t her time. She was supposed to be around for my baby brother to graduate high school, to meet her grandkids & for us to become friends like so many mother-daughter relationships transition to in adult life. I’m bitter and sad and angry and lost. Every morning I’m washed in this wave of negative funk, and I’ve been trapped in a seemingly never ending loop of gut-wrenching realizations every morning. I wake up tired, if I see the mornings at all. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

[kayc]

@fae

I am so sorry for your loss, one doesn't expect to lose a parent that young...I lost my dad in my 20s while expecting my first child.  He would have been a wonderful grandpa.

You are grieving not only the loss of your mother but also what might have been, the hopes and dreams you wanted for the two of you.  My own mom was mentally disturbed and never able to be a good mom and plagued us throughout our adulthood with her issues of controlling and craziness...yet I love her and miss her all the same.  I console myself with knowing she is finally "made right" and when I next meet her, she will be the person she was created to be and I can get to know her in a whole different way.  

What you are doing to your BF isn't purposeful, it is a grief reaction, one that is fairly common.  It helps that you are self aware enough to realize it.  I hope you've had a talk with him that it is your grief/anger talking, not at him personally, but at life's unfairness.  Many couples do not make it through their relationships when one of them is grieving (please read some recent threads in "Loss of Love" section.  Rae1991 has some posts on people's threads that are helpful as she has been the recipient of one who is grieving AND the griever, both, so she understands both sides of the coin.

You are reaching out in your grief, and that is a good sign.  It might be worthwhile to you to get some professional grief counseling, oftentimes there is free counseling available through the college/university you are attending.

[MartyT]

I want to add my voice to Kay's, my dear, in hopes that you will consider finding a qualified grief counselor who can guide you through this difficult and challenging time. You need and deserve time to mourn the loss of your mother. And the best advice I can give you regarding the other members of your family who rely on you is this: The best way to take care of their grief is to take care of your own grief first. You deserve it, and you are worth it. ♥️  

Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

[MamasGirl59]

@fae I am currently at home with my mom in her final days, because of cirrhosis of the liver. She too was a heavy drinker, but she was such a wonderful person. She did so much for so many people. I am 32 and just had my first baby 3 months ago (same time she was diagnosed). She was so excited to be a grandma. I also lost my father when I was 16 from a sudden heart attack. 

I just want you to know you’re not alone. I have a very rough road ahead of me, as I am not accepting this new reality of mine. I’m broken and lost and when I wake up first thing in the morning, for a split second I forget what is happening but then I remember and I feel like I can’t catch my breath and the sadness washes over me. My mom is my best friend.

From experience with my dad, I will tell you it gets easier and you’ll get through it even when you don’t want to. I don’t know if you are close with your dad, but losing mine, made me cherish my mom that much more. 
 

One day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so bad. We just learn to live with the pain, you just have to keep going forward the best you can. It helps to let your feelings out here, and I hope you eventually find peace.