My mother started dating just after my fathers death

[Kennedy c]

I lost my father 4 months ago.I think i am coping with it fine now.But the thing that is making me sick that my mother starting to date people.My mother was cheating on my father for like years ,I knew that but kept it to myself.But now after his death i see her texting this man.she doesn’t know that i know.And I don’t know how to process this information or what to do with it.Should i confront her? Or tell my siblings,but I don’t want to ruin my mothers image.

[kayc]

Kennedy, I am sorry for your loss...I lost my own dad when I was in my 20s and miss him still (I'm almost 68 now).  I'm glad you are coping okay.

It can be very disconcerting to see parents dating again so soon after their loss.  My MIL was the "mom I always wanted" and my best friend.  After she died, my FIL, Dad, told me ONE month in, that he was in love with someone!!  After 40 years of marriage!  Granted, he'd been through anticipatory grief, she''d been bedridden with cancer the last three years, I took care of her in the daytime while he was with her during the nights.  It stunned us all.  But I am so glad we did not "react" or judge...over the years we got to know this lady really well, and his son (my XH) is grievously mourning her right now as she passed just a couple of weeks ago.  She didn't want to remarry, but Dad and her were friends/companions all these years until his death (20-30 years), they didn't live together, but they were besties for sure, went through surgeries, socializing, etc. and even family get togethers.  She was a lovely hostess and an addition to our family.  She did not replace Mom!  

I would not tell of your mom's infidelity, Marty might have different response, but I don't see what that would benefit anyone.  You were not party to their relationship and did not know what your mom felt or was going through, not saying that makes it right, but I certainly wouldn't presume to know.  You might want to talk to your mom about letting your family know she's dating so they aren't caught off guard as you were.  Please frame it as non-judgmentally as possible so she doesn't react strongly or get defensive.  Always good to keep the lines of communication open with anyone we want to continue a relationship with!

Your mom is free to date, she's an adult, no longer married, but word of caution, we can be very vulnerable when grieving!  It's hard to have clarity of mind this quickly in, I know, I lost my sweet soul mate 15 years ago.  Sometimes people are seeking to rebuild their lives, or just want to enjoy themselves in an otherwise bleak existence.  Maybe try to spend some time with her, but she undoubtedly knows her kids can't fill that emotional base for her without it being unfair and pressuring to them.  My own mother depended on us kids for her fulfillment for the whole 33 years after my dad passed, she had no friends, always calling us, wanting us to come see her (we lived 1 1/2 to 2 hours away) all the time.  It was draining.  So there's always another way of looking at it!  I hope you will read the following articles:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/tips-for-when-your-widowe_b_5942444

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-grief/201901/dating-after-the-loss-spouse

 

[Kieron]

17 minutes ago, kayc said:

Please frame it as non-judgmentally as possible so she doesn't react strongly or get defensive. 

Good advice and the way  I was taught was to use "I statements."  in case you aren't aware, I statements are worded so that you state how you feel or are affected by the situation. "It bothers me when I see/hear/watch/realize this about you, mom."  Or "I am hurt and upset to know that you are already dating someone."  You want to avoid starting off with "You..." because it sounds attacking, in a way. By doing the I statements, you don't unintentionally sound accusing or hostile (even if you feel exactly that way!) and then the other person can respond without reacting or flipping out or going into retaliation mode.

[MartyT]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I would not tell of your mom's infidelity, Marty might have different response, but I don't see what that would benefit anyone.  You were not party to their relationship and did not know what your mom felt or was going through, not saying that makes it right, but I certainly wouldn't presume to know. 

I agree, Kay. This is not your secret to tell, Kennedy, and it really serves no beneficial purpose.

I understand that you're struggling with your mom's behavior in the wake of your dad's death, and I'm so sorry for that ~ but no one knows what goes on inside a marriage except the two people involved.

In addition to the articles Kay suggested, I invite you to read this one as well, and I hope you will take its content to heart:  Is My Widowed Mother 'Moving On' Too Soon?  ♥️

[kayc]

On 8/2/2020 at 5:11 AM, Kieron said:

I was taught was to use "I statements."

Good reminder!!