Ghosted when the news came

[Jeyrah]

I have known my boyfriend for 8 years and have been in a relationship 4. His family and I have been very close.  Holidays and Italian Sunday get togethers.  I have gotten to know each one of them like they were my own family. Drop ins and life happens and we were always there.  My boyfriend I always call him my better half... his younger brother tragically died onThursday morning.  He and I were fighting Wednesday night before the accident.  Thursday morning I got the call while in a conference. He let me know what was going on and that his brother died. I left work immediately to be there for him and the family.  He told me not to come and he will let me know if and when he needs me.   Then I get a call from him late told me family only during this grieving time and ghosted me. I found out through Facebook the funeral arrangement are for Tuesday.  I asked him for his blessing to bring our kids and my mom.  I still have not had an answer.  Should I go.. I have been reading other posts and no answer is an answer.  I’m angry because I have been left to grieve by myself. I loved him too. I am angry because I have no answers if and when he is coming home. I want to be here for when he does.. but I am let down at the end of each night. I am angry he is reading my texts and just not responding. I am angry because I feel I am stuck in a jail cell cut off from our world and from our family. I am just so angry and I feel selfish for feeling this way. 

[kayc]

@Jeyrah I am so sorry!  For your loss, for his ghosting.  You have kids together and yet he would exclude THEM from being at the funeral???  No excuse!  One cannot absolve themselves from parental responsibilities during their time of grief, kids need considered too.  And if they're young, they need you there for them through it.  There are books that are good at explaining death to children, on Amazon.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/explaining-death-to-children.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/11/using-childrens-books-to-help-with.html

https://www.amazon.com/Waterbugs-Dragonflies-Explaining-Children-Looking/dp/B006KKP3V0/ref=as_li_ss_tl?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1532884816&sr=1-2&keywords=waterbugs+and+dragonflies&linkCode=sl1&tag=grieheal07-20&linkId=584d6d84d20af39002f371b4ca8591e2&language=en_US

You are right, no answer is an answer.  It's hard to say what will happen in time.  I hope you will continue to come here, let us know of any updates.  We want to be here for you as you go through this.  I am so sorry for your pain, it's hard to understand being shut out, I know, I've been through this.  A certain percentage of people do respond this way in their grief, as they feel unable to do a relationship at that time, but it's been my experience that they normally do not return to the relationship intact with time.  I'm so sorry!  They see their friends, etc. but not us because a relationship represents stress of needing to be two way and they just don't have it in them to do or be that.

[Jeyrah]

Kayc,

Thank you for the response.  Those are great resources and I will definitely utilize them. Day day 4 with no contact. Tomorrow is the funeral.  My family said I should just go.  I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.  They suggested I do not take the kids just in case he shuts us out there too and I can’t protect them from it.  

[Kieron]

i can't think of a thing to add to Kay's post, except perhaps about anger.

16 hours ago, Jeyrah said:

I am angry because I feel I am stuck in a jail cell cut off from our world and from our family. I am just so angry and I feel selfish for feeling this way. 

As you probably know, anger is a sign that boundaries were crossed or violated.  Expectations are a form of boundaries, when you really think about it.  We expect that people will behave in a certain way and when they don't, we may get angry.  So your anger, from my perspective, is understandable, and you expressed perfectly why you are angry: you're cut off from being able to share in the grieving process with others who know/are close to the one who died.  What's important is what you do with that anger. 

I like your family's suggestion not to take the kids.  That is sensible, and depending on how old the kids are, they may not be able to understand the situation, and always their safety comes first.  Kids don't need to be exposed to adults' ugly feuds and dramas-- there's enough of that going around already on TV etc. 

If you go tomorrow, it's never too late to take the high road.  Maybe just go, sit in the back or to the side, be unobtrusive but present, to show your love for the brother who died and show respect for his family.  If your BF starts in on you, just don't engage, just take that good old high road and say you're here to show your support and love because that's exactly what you're doing, isn't it?  He can't stop you from paying your respects, and if he does, it looks really bad on him.  If he acts aloof, then you still know you took the high road, and he's the one who's handling it wrong, not you.

[Jeyrah]

I went to the funeral today. I sat in the back. It was hard to see everyone hurting and wanting to comfort them.  He called me last night and asked me not to come to the reception. I understood.  He told me he was packing and leaving by the end of the week.   He is moving in with his mom and dad to take care of them just as his brother did.  I did not get angry with him, just listened and took in all he had to say.  When the conversation was over I cried.  I am taking it day by day rehearsing what I will say to the kids.  It will be a life change for sure, but you can only go up from here. Thank you everyone for the advice.  It has really helped to talk about how I am feeling. 

[kayc]

Wow.  You are being respectful of his decision, that's all you can do.  You are a wonderful person.  You did not deserve this.  No one does.  It is a side effect, another casualty of loss/grief.  I am so sorry.  I hope he will continue to co-parent and be in his kids' lives, they still need their dad.  Has he mentioned anything about that?  Grief or not, parenting can't be put on hold.  You are in my thoughts and prayers as you are making your way through this.

[Jeyrah]

He is gone. Came and packed up his things while I was at work and left. I just have no words.  The kids are devastated. It has definitely been a weekend of healing. No communication on co-parenting.  Just silence. 

[MartyT]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Jeyrah . . . 

[kayc]

@Jeyrah  You were as a married couple, complete with kids, it's not often you see it go this way under those circumstances, I am very sorry.  I hope he communicates in time about the kids, support, etc, otherwise you may have to contact the support enforcement division or a lawyer.  It would be good to have a visitation arrangement in place, payment plan.  People can't just shirk their responsibilities to their kids, not even with grief!

I'm sorry you are having to shoulder all of this.  I hope today goes a little better for the kids and you.

[Kieron]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

It would be good to have a visitation arrangement in place, payment plan. 

Agree with this.  Set limits.  Your kids' safety and well-being come first. And if you by some chance get accused of holding a grudge, remember this: