My 13 year old dog died this past Sunday. I feel devastated.

[ro1]

My 13 year old dog died this past Sunday. I feel devastated. She was the best friend and companion I could have hoped for. I can't stop thinking about her. My wife and kids would go to sleep I would stay up late and she would always sit next to me watching tv, I'd talk to her often take her for a late night walk and she'd follow me to bed. My sons were small when we we got her and they are in college now, she was waiting by the front door when we brought my daughter home from the hospital when she was born, She was the best. I feel this void.
Up until 6 weeks ago she was pretty active for an elderly dog, she would go on long walks with us she would play and bark at delivery drivers. Then all of a sudden she started losing weight. She was still eating, Vet said not to worry. Then maybe a month ago she had what vet thinks was a stroke. She seemed to get a little better, just more tired, Then one day on a walk my daughter said her body is skinny but her check is chubby. The side of her face looked swollen and underneath, she had a scratch, Vet gave anti inflammatory and antibiotic cream and swelling went down.  She seemed more tired, laid around more and did not want to walk more,but was still eating and drinking, then she started making gagging noises, mostly after she ate. She had a bad odor and we had to bath her more often. I called vet again and they said that it sounded like she was at then end of her life, she was not in pain and they said they could do invasive tests to get a diagnosis but taking her age and size into consideration, it could speed up her death. 
For a few days she did not eat much, and was very lethargic. Then she woke up ad ate a lot and seemed back to her old self. The next day she only drank, but barely ate, she would walk go to the bathroom and then lay down we would carry her in. She had a hard time jumping on the couch or chairs. By last Thursday she was no longer eating and would wander around the house, Friday she laid around most of the day and would not eat.she went out twice urinated walked a few steps and laid down. We carried her in and laid her in a a chair with pillows and she pretty much stayed there all day. In the morning she walked to get water. then did not even want to drink.
Saturday she was in the same spot. I walked her and she was only able to walk just out the front door, she urinated and I carried her in, she was not in pain and would still wag her tail slowly, We gave her a sponge bath, that she seemed to enjoy and had pillows under her and blankets. She was breathing and responsive, we brought her water and she drank a lot, although she would not eat, I hoped she was getting better. 
I stayed up till 3:30 AM with her and pet her and talked to her. She would look at me and wag her tail slowly. I fell asleep on the couch and when i woke up around 945, i saw that she had moved from the chair to a recliner she sometimes liked to sleep in. I thought She is better, she had enough strength to move.
I go in the other room and my wife and kids are crying I said what's wrong? They said Ellie is dead. I said no she is not she moved to the recliner, Then i ran to the other room knelt by the recliner and realized she had died.
I feel bad. I think could I have done more? Why did I fall asleep i could have been holding her when she passed. How and when did she move? I can't believe i thought she was just resting. I feel such a sadness and sense of lose, I cried the other day walking by the dog food isle. I keep looking for her. We are waiting to get her ashes back I don't know if that will help or not.
I feel so lost, I am trying to be strong for my kids but as i sit here alone on the couch and she is not next to me it hurts.

[MartyT]

Oh my friend. I am so sorry for your loss! From what you have shared with us, it's clear to me that you provided the very best and most loving care to your dog throughout her last days, up until the very end. The fact is that, although you were not physically holding her at the moment she died, you were close by ~ and since animals can sense our presence, I am sure that your dog knew you were there with her. Who knows? Perhaps she slipped away while you were sleeping as a way to spare you some of the pain of letting her go. It does not matter, really. What does matter is that you gave this family member your full measure of devotion and cared lovingly for her until her life on this earth was over. Let yourself openly mourn your loss of her ~ and let your kids know how sad you are. Let them know that it's okay to mourn the loss of someone so dearly loved. Can you see the valuable lesson you can teach your kids, by modeling for them that sorrow and tears and sadness are NORMAL and HEALTHY responses in grief, and that it's okay to feel and to express and to share those feelings with one another, especially with your own family members? Let this be your dog's legacy to you and your family. Let your kids see what it is to love, to lose, to mourn. Life is full of necessary losses, and this is not the first time your kids will be faced with death. Use this experience as the powerful life lesson it can be. And know that you are one terrific dad for opening your heart like this.

Blessings to you, and I wish for comfort to your broken heart. ❤️

[kayc]

I am so sorry it took us so long to respond, for some reason it is just now showing up!  You are deserving of immediate response.    I did respond to this post on my other site and am glad to see Marty has also seen and responded here.

 

 

[MartyT]

Another glitch in our system, Kay. Ordinarily, when a new member registers, I am notified immediately via email, and then I review the membership application before I know if I can validate it. Once validated, a new member's post will be displayed right away. This morning I discovered that several membership applications have been "sitting there" in my control panel, some for a week or more! Once I validated them, their posts appeared (but with the date they first registered ~ NOT with the date their registration was validated by me. That is why several "new" posts have appeared all at once today.)

I don't know what happened with my email notification process these last few days ~ this is not the first time this has happened ~  but once again I will report the email problem to the provider of our site. 

Like you, I make a practice of reading each and every post that appears on our site, and I check the site several times a day. I also do not want a new member who posts on our site to go more than 24 hours without a response from someone. As you know, I don't always respond to each and every post, because I want to encourage everyone on this site to "take care of" one another and not look to me as "the expert." I consider each and every one of you to be the real experts regarding your own individual grief processes, and I step in only if I have something I think is relevant and useful to offer.

[Archie11]

I am so sorry for the loss of Ellie. It is awful to have to go through this. My dog Archie passed at home 12 July aged 9. He was showing signs of old age and ill for a week and we told the vet on 2 visits we thought he had a stroke but the vet didn’t seem too concerned. He was at home with us all that day where he always loved to be which gives me some comfort, I am sure Ellie was feeling the same, in the home she loved, you have looked after her so well. Your kids will have lovely memories of her as they grew up, my 14 year old says she can’t remember her life before Archie was in it, that’s how much they are part of our families.  I have one of Archie’s toys on the sofa next to me for now in the evenings and take his collar with me when on a walk, try anything that can give you comfort, don’t worry about your kids seeing you upset, it’s understandable at this time. Take each day at a time, as I am doing. Keep posting on here, I have found so much support on here, it really helps, hope it helps you too. 

[Kay B]

Oh all these stories touch a place in me. I know with loosing Ellie when you dozed off is terribly hard to live with. My angel passed away in my arms. It was so difficult as her breathing slowed,then before the last breath she uttered some kind of sound. I pray this was not her conveying pain! I took her to be cremated on July 3 and received her ashes back July 10. Does that help any? I don't know. I yearn for her so badly. I go to her box with her ashes, put my hands around it, and talk, cry, shout out, scream. I thought having her returned would offer comfort and maybe on some level that I can't realize yet, it does. But I'm just not there. I feel lots of guilt, anger,regret, sadness. I try to look for the good and happy and wish with all my soul I could still have that in my life with her. My mind searches for something to trick me, saying this is all a bad dream, I will wake up and things will be like before. I find myself tettering on that fence between reality and fantasy. I so get your struggle and you have other things,your family and kids to also deal with that I don't. I would think they could help you share the pain. Don't try to be stoic,as the man of the house. This loss affects everyone in the family. But I do understand the absence you feel. I wish I had some kind of answer. I too feel the void, the silence. Bedtime is the worst since my 2 dogs sleep in the bed with me.

[Jayjay]

So sorry for your loss of your loved companion.Be assured she had a great long loving life she shared with you and passed away peacefully T home with her family.That is the best way to lose a loved one when the time comes they have to leave I just had to put my 17yr old pug to sleep who had many health issues and I would have rathered she would have passed away at home like your loved one so it’s like a blessing she was home with all her family.I know it’s so hard but you gave her a great life and should be so grateful he was loved so long .try to think of all the happy times you had together take care