1st B-day Without Mom

[KathyD]

I think all the "firsts" are very hard. My father died this past March and his birthday was two weeks after Father's Day so that was tough to get through. My birthday is 4 days away and I'm not looking forward to it since it's the first where Dad won't be there. My Mom is pressuring me to "celebrate", if only in a minor fashion, where I'd prefer to do anything but that. I had a difficult time putting on a face for her and my brother's birthdays in July - I came back to my place on both days a miserable wreck. Now the face has to go back on for my birthday (which makes me sort of mad).

Leann,

I'd also be interested in finding out about the circle of life necklace, it sounds like a great idea!

Kathy

[Paul S]

KathyD:

It's YOUR birthday, you should celebrate it any way you want to. A polite, but firm, "I'm not (or doing it privately) this year because Dad isn't here. It wouldn't be the same, maybe next year."

Or something like that.

Paul

[KathyD]

Thanks Paul! I tried to tell Mom that but she's relentless and makes me feel guilty if I don't do these family things, even if it IS "my" day. You'd think that after saying that I've been dreading Monday and really didn't want to do anything she would understand that I need to celebrate my birthday alone but instead I was told that I can't "run away from" things. I personally have tried my best at other family functions but just wanted my birthday to be peaceful and not emotionally draining.

[MartyT]

Kathy, dear,

Point to ponder: To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you feel guilty without your consent. Your mom cannot "make" you feel guilty, any more than you can "make" your mom understand your position about how you choose to celebrate your birthday (or not). Sometimes the disapproval of others is the price we pay for doing what we think is right for us, and you alone must decide whether that price is right for you.

[Paul S]

I agree with Marty. You have to do what's right for you when you're suffering, especially an emotionally sensitive (and personal) situation like a birthday.

You have to determine that whether to suffer through it to make the family happy is worth it in the short run (i.e. can you deal with the pain to avoid long term animosity?) or whether to tick them off to avoid short term pain is worth possible long term effects (how long will they hold it against you?)

I don't know your family dynamics, and how important birthdays are, but that may seem to be the choice. Avoid the short term pain by blowing off the party and offending them, and thus meriting however long a period of time they'll hold it against you, or to put on a happy face and attend the party, and have your insides churn up, but they'll be nice to you later.

Which is better: to have a family member drive you to the doctor for your ulcer, or to have them guilt-trip you into doing something with them later?

Thanksgiving is in 3 months, and Christmas is 4 months away, today!!!!!!!

(When I turned 30 last year, if last year was 1993 , I told my friends that I DID NOT WANT A CELEBRATION. But they did, anyway. They tried to explain it away as being Super Bowl Sunday. I tried to explain that birthday cake and ice cream are not yer typical Super Bowl Sunday fare, but they failed to see my razor-sharp logical exposition of their conspiracy and proceeded to be relentlessly cheerful.

I proceeded to be morose. This did sour the party. I tried to salvage it a little by saying they must be getting depressed because Dallas was destroying Buffalo. They said, "No, we're Southerners and Dallas beating a lousy Northern team, bless their heart, is just dandy. It's YOU messing with the festivities." I tried to tell them I warned them. They still failed to see my ziplock baggie-tight logic.

They did get over it, quickly (all of us then being quite avid drinkers), and never celebrated my b-day again, but in a few short years we all went our separate ways anyway, so the point's moot.)

Hope some of this helps.

Paul

[KathyD]

Thanks Marty and Paul! Both your posts did help and get me thinking, especially about choice and guilt. I do know that if I avoid my birthday I'll be happy but on the flip side it will crush my mother, who has always insisted on celebrations of some sort. As I'm the only relative nearby outside of my 93 year old grandmother who relies on my mother for everything it feels like that if I don't give my Mom the pleasure of doing something "normal" and traditional it will hurt her deeply. My family is very small - just myself, my brother (in WI), and a few other relatives who we don't have much contact with. Mom doesn't ask for much so for me to avoid even the smallest of celebrations is denying her one of the few things she really wants to do. Add to that the fact that she was recently diagnosed with a possibly malignant bladder tumor and has to have an operation in a week...I guess I feel that while the small celebration might ruin my day my Mom is scared about her diagnosis and really needs a sense of normalcy right now. That's where all the guilt is coming from, along with the anger! I'm taking her for the surgery and will be staying with her (in my childhood home, which is extremely difficult for me do) and while I have NO problem with that I wish she would respect my feelings. Ack! Sorry to ramble again...I sound like a totally selfish daughter...

Kathy

[MartyT]

Nope -- just a very human one who's trying her very best.

[shell]

KathyD,

With all due respect to Marty, who we all ADORE, I could never quite get with the "no one can make you feel guilty" thing! Mothers most certainly can! I know, I know, we have to change our response to things so we don't feel guilty or angry or whatever, but it is soooooo hard when it comes to your Mom! I know the "stuck between a rock and a hard place" position you're in! Right or wrong, I've finally gotten to the point where I just try to go with the flow, because I realized that if I don't, I'll feel worse. The choice between not doing something because it might make me feel bad and having to deal with the anger or disappointment of someone I love is, for me, clear. I would rather feel "bad" than face the other! And, sometimes, I think we have to be selfish while grieving, but not totally. Doing something for someone really important to us may be good medicine, so to speak.

I do reserve doing what I don't really want to for only the people in my life that are most important, so I'm not a total loss, I guess. I have learned to say no to other people!

Good luck,

Hugs,

Shell