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I lost all my pets in less than a year and I can’t get over it


beaxbee

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at this time last year, i had 3 pets. a dog named darla, and two cats named dexter and lola. we adopted them all in 2008. dexter and lola came first. darla then came along a few months later. 

darla was diagnosed with diabetes on 2015. we had a few close calls but with regular insulin shots and the right food, she was happy. the diabetes did start taking a toll on her small body slowly- as she started to go blind and had the occasional rare seizure, and finally last september her body couldn’t take it anymore and we had to make the difficult decision to put her down at the age of 11. at the time i felt very guilty, but overtime i felt happy that we kept her happy and healthy for the five years she had diabetes. i grieved so heavy though, we had just moved into a new apartment and i felt all the stress and the grief come together. i had just hoped that this was the last time in a while that i would feel this way. i still had my beautiful cats to give me comfort. dexter would not leave me alone as i cried. demanding pets and making sure i was ok. i felt so lucky to have him.  

dexter started to lose weight a couple of years earlier, and started peeing on furniture, which concerned us. but after a few vet visits and the addition of a new litter box, dexter returned to normal. fast forward to april 2020. we notice that he’s looking very shaggy, is very lethargic, and losing more weight. we took him to the vet, and after a few tests they find cancer in his stomach. after he came home from the vet, suddenly he just deteriorated. he still ate but would throw up, couldnt stand up for more than a minute, and started peeing everywhere bc he couldnt make it to his litterbox. the day after we found out that there was nothing we could do, we let him sleep. he was 12- going on 13. it hurt but i knew it was time for him. i was just grateful to still have my lola. lola was my baby, she and i were bonded. 

lola was happy and didn’t seem to notice that her brother was gone. she was a little more clingy and would want to be around everyone- especially if they were in the kitchen and would probably give her some treats. a little unlike her as she was always overshadowed in personality by her brother dexter and liked to keep to herself. we chalked this change up to her just being alone for the first time in her life. then about a week ago she started showing signs of nausea. she was also bloated and didn’t poop very much. we just thought she was backed up and took her to the vet, thinking it was nothing too crazy. 

my sister sent me a text that she had a mass near her bladder, that was growing quickly. when i got that text, the room spun. i collapsed on the floor. i was not expecting it and it was the biggest blow i ever got. i really thought nothing was wrong and she was just having some age related bathroom issues. 

much like dexter, lola deteriorated after she came home from the vet. she was different from dexter in that she was still using her litterbox, but she stopped eating and hid from us. at first we thought it was just her being grumpy from going to the vet, but after the second day of her not eating and hiding, we knew we might have to say goodbye to her sooner than we hoped. she started constantly throwing up. she seemed interested in food but then would not take it after she sniffed it. it was heartbreaking to see her not eat when i know she really wanted to. yesterday she could barely walk because she was so weak, and we decided we couldn’t prolong this anymore. we had to say goodbye,4 months to the day we said goodbye to her brother.  i was in complete denial. i convinced myself that if she just ate she would feel so much better and that if we put her down we would just never know. but the mass in her stomach was not letting her. i am especially devastated by this loss because i can’t help feeling like there was more we could do. could we have maybe tried a little harder to make her eat? it’s just insane to me that this time last week i had what i thought was a happy healthy kitty and now she’s just gone. now the house feels so empty without my babies. i’m experiencing heartbreak like i never had before. was this all bad luck or something we did wrong? these thoughts are really driving me insane and i can’t find relief. 

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My heart reaches out to you in your pain, my dear, and I'm so sorry that you've endured so many losses, one after the other. I really don't see how you could be feeling any differently from what you've described. You are in what I would call grief overload, as if you've been forced to eat an elephant all at once. I don't believe for a moment that you did anything wrong, and I don't think luck had anything to do with this either. Clearly your animal companions were dearly loved and clearly you gave all three of them all the loving care you could provide. Unfortunately these precious animals we bring into our lives have life spans so much shorter than our own, they are susceptible to disease and the ravages of age, and whatever time they have with us goes by all too quickly. It's hard enough to lose one of them, but losing all three of yours so close together leaves you with barely any time to mourn ~ and now you're left with so much emptiness, sorrow and pain. I'm so sorry. All I can do is to encourage you to allow whatever feelings to be felt and expressed. Lean into the pain, and know that it's a measure of all the love you have for these precious fur babies. Remember too that your love for them has not died. The love you share with them is forever. Find some ways to memorialize and honor each one of them ~ to keep your memories alive in your heart and in your mind. ❤️

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10 hours ago, MartyT said:

My heart reaches out to you in your pain, my dear, and I'm so sorry that you've endured so many losses, one after the other. I really don't see how you could be feeling any differently from what you've described. You are in what I would call grief overload, as if you've been forced to eat an elephant all at once. I don't believe for a moment that you did anything wrong, and I don't think luck had anything to do with this either. Clearly your animal companions were dearly loved and clearly you gave all three of them all the loving care you could provide. Unfortunately these precious animals we bring into our lives have life spans so much shorter than our own, they are susceptible to disease and the ravages of age, and whatever time they have with us goes by all too quickly. It's hard enough to lose one of them, but losing all three of yours so close together leaves you with barely any time to mourn ~ and now you're left with so much emptiness, sorrow and pain. I'm so sorry. All I can do is to encourage you to allow whatever feelings to be felt and expressed. Lean into the pain, and know that it's a measure of all the love you have for these precious fur babies. Remember too that your love for them has not died. The love you share with them is forever. Find some ways to memorialize and honor each one of them ~ to keep your memories alive in your heart and in your mind. ❤️

thank you marty. i appreciate your kind words more than i can express. 

 i love what you said about “grief overload”. i am also mourning the loss of a grandfather that passed about a month ago, and while his passing was expected and i made peace with it a while ago, i think i am experiencing some of the grief of his passing with my little lola and the rest of my babies. 

i have painted little portraits of both darla and dexter when they passed, and i know that once i have the strength to i can paint one of my lola. 

 

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I am so, so sorry for your multiple losses of these sweet family members, I know of nothing harder than my losing my husband and furbabies.  No, you did nothing wrong!  You love your animals and would have done anything you could for them, but there are some things we cannot help and I'm afraid these are some of those.  I lost my soul mate in a dog, Arlie, one year ago to cancer, I would have done anything for him, but alas he was inoperable and his liver shut down at the point of diagnosis, so I was not afforded that opportunity, I could but make him as comfortable as I could and take the best care of him possible for his remaining time until I had to release him into his next life so that he would not suffer further.  Then just 4 1/2 months later I lost my 25 year old Kitty, she showed her first sign of something being wrong on Christmas, on Jan. 6 I had to have her too put to sleep as her kidneys and liver had shut down.  It is the hardest thing in the world to lose them, sometimes much harder even than other family members and these were members of our immediately family and part of our daily interactions and rituals, we were truly a family.  Four years ago I lost Miss Mocha, I believe to a cougar, never found her remains.  So my family of four became just me...my son brought me a puppy before Christmas and I love him and can't imagine life w/o this little boy in it, but as you already know, it does not alter the grief I already feel for the loss of his older siblings he didn't get to know.
I am sorry also to learn of your grandfather...I hope this article will be of some help to you:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html

My heart goes out to you...I hope this video bring you some comfort and peace, knowing they are happy and whole and waiting for the day for us to join them, but not idly, they are enjoying themselves during their weight. ;)

 

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