11 Years On.

[Southern Girl]

  When I first joined this grief forum, I was 18 years old and felt like my entire world was crumbling around me. I had just lost my father to cancer and had the bad luck of losing my beloved pet dog two months afterward. To say that I was battling a deep depression would be putting it mildly. 
  Today I am two months shy of turning 30 years old. I can’t believe that 11 years ago, I was sitting next to my computer trying to find the words to express all the pain I was feeling inside. I was someone who felt like tomorrow would never come and that I would never be able to process what was happening to me. I felt like the wounds on my heart were gaping open and oozing in grief and torment. 

  They say that time heals all wounds. I’m here to say that it doesn’t. That pain that you feel after you lose someone never goes away. It’s a pain that remains with you throughout your life. Time didn’t seal that pain away from my heart, but what time did allow me was the opportunity to grieve and process what was truly happening. I was a young adult who in the matter of two weeks, lost their father to a cruel and quick disease named cancer. You heard me right, just two weeks after my father was diagnosed, he passed away to his illness. You could have snapped your fingers, it happened that quick.

  Eleven years ago, I couldn’t speak about my father without tears welling up in my eyes. The trouble with that was that there were so many good memories that I couldn’t find the ability to speak of and share with others, the thought of my father made me cry and I often felt misunderstood by those who witnessed my tears. I was the only person in my circle whom had lost their parent, I actually still am. And it took me many years of pain and tears for me to realize that the thought of him didn’t have to be the memory of him in the hospital. I realized that my stories of him could forever live on in everything that we did together as a family. I could pass on the good of his life and what he meant to me.

  I’m happy to say that I can now openly and freely speak about my father, I can laugh when I think of how he made my siblings and I late in the morning for school, because we had to make sure we had our breakfast. I can smile when I think about he and I sharing the exact same nose and big ol’ smile. I couldn’t look at the good back then, because I was so overwhelmed with the bad. 
  Don’t get me wrong, there are moments where I feel down and I cry when I go out and visit his gravesite. I know that it may not be fair to say, but I have always felt like my relationship with my father was different than those of my siblings. I am the youngest of four, and being the baby of the family came with a lot of perks. It meant always being able to take rides to get ice cream with him when my siblings were at school. It meant sitting in the doughnut shop, eating a fresh glaze while he sipped on his coffee. It’s the small things that make it hard for me to put into words, but I have always felt like I was his baby girl and in some sort of selfish way, his favorite. 
  Sometimes I visit his gravesite and I just sit there in the grass and talk to him about my life. I sit there and pray that he watches over Massari, (my dog that passed away.) And I just try to express how there aren’t days that I don’t think about him, and how I’ve never, ever forgotten about him.      
  Maybe I felt like the grief I was experiencing after his death was harder on me because I was so young. I had this notion in my mind that it was unfair that my siblings had years longer to have spent with him, but the truth in the matter is that none of that mattered. The truth is that we were all grieving in our own ways, and we were all having to live in the pain of his absence. Baby or not, he loved each and every one of us, and just because we didn’t have the same memories of him, none the less, we had memories. 
  I don’t think about any of that when I visit him. I just bring an arrangement of flowers and wonder how life would be if he were still around. I update him on things going on in the family and tell him how dearly he is missed. Because at the end of the day, no one can tell you how death is going to affect you. No one can tell you how it’s going to feel in a day, a year, or a decade. We’ve all got to go through the motions and over come our own torments inside so that we can get to that place of peace. 
  Even though I still feel the pain inside of losing him, I know that there is a sort of peace inside of me. Let’s face the facts. My father was in a lot of pain from his illness, and now he no longer has to anguish and suffer from it. God may have taken him, but he has taken him to the greatest place of all. A place that I know in my heart that I will one day be able to reunite with him and Massari. I can only pray that my fellow readers are able to get to that same sense of peace inside of themselves. It may have taken 11 years, but I’m here!

 

-Jessy

[MartyT]

Jessy, my dear, with all my heart I thank you for sharing this poignant and uplifting message with all of us. I lost my own father more than four decades ago, and I still miss him and think of him every single day ~ so your words ring very true to me. You will always be your daddy's favorite baby girl. Death may take a life, but love never dies. Love is forever. Blessings to you, and thank you again. ❤️

[kayc]

You are so right about all you wrote...so true!  I lost my dad when I was in my 20s and expecting my first child, it's hard when you're so young and know nothing about grief yet.

And your father has a cute nose!

[Southern Girl]

17 hours ago, MartyT said:

Jessy, my dear, with all my heart I thank you for sharing this poignant and uplifting message with all of us. I lost my own father more than four decades ago, and I still miss him and think of him every single day ~ so your words ring very true to me. You will always be your daddy's favorite baby girl. Death may take a life, but love never dies. Love is forever. Blessings to you, and thank you again. ❤️

Thank you for taking the time to respond and thank you for your kind words. The fact that you said that four decades ago, you lost your father and you still have him on your mind just cements the idea that those that we love are never forgotten. I’m so glad that all of us are able to come together and share these experiences and are able to understand one another. Sometimes all you want is for one person to understand what you’re feeling. 

[MamasGirl59]

@Southern Girl I lost my father 16 years ago when I was just 16, and recently just lost my mother 😕 I still miss him and love him so much and the recent loss of my mother brought all those sad feelings back to the surface 💔 None of my friends have even lost a parent yet, so it’s hard for anyone to relate... and I’m only 32. I know from experience the pain softens but is still there. Thank you for sharing your story of hope, I needed it! ❤️