I miss my girl, Gracie...

[kayc]

21 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

I still would feel guilty now for somehow having "fooled" her.

I think it was the kindest thing you could do.  Kitty had only been on one car ride in her life so I was greatly concerned that taking her to the vet would stress her.  I prayed for her before and during the whole thing and it couldn't have gone better.  My GF drove us in, I cried and cried but she didn't feel upset, she was calm and purred clear until she was gone.  It was a true answer to prayer.  Home vet wouldn't of helped as she'd run and hide behind the washer if someone came over she didn't know.  The same reason I didn't choose that for Arlie, he'd have felt he had to be guard dog on duty and it would have been more stressing, whereas he loved going for rides, even though we barely got him into the back end of the Baja.  He understood going to vets was to help you even if uncomfortable or sometimes painful as was always real good about it.

I'm sure you handled everything just right for her, we know our own animals best.

[Gracie4ever]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I think it was the kindest thing you could do.  Kitty had only been on one car ride in her life so I was greatly concerned that taking her to the vet would stress her.  I prayed for her before and during the whole thing and it couldn't have gone better.  My GF drove us in, I cried and cried but she didn't feel upset, she was calm and purred clear until she was gone.  It was a true answer to prayer.  Home vet wouldn't of helped as she'd run and hide behind the washer if someone came over she didn't know.  The same reason I didn't choose that for Arlie, he'd have felt he had to be guard dog on duty and it would have been more stressing, whereas he loved going for rides, even though we barely got him into the back end of the Baja.  He understood going to vets was to help you even if uncomfortable or sometimes painful as was always real good about it.

I'm sure you handled everything just right for her, we know our own animals best.

Yes, I keep telling myself the main reason I didn't choose home vet was because we already had this appointment with the Vet and I worried if I tried to book with home vet they could not as quickly and she would suffer longer. And I really trusted my vet. What really gets me is that either way she is not suffering now, no more suffering for her of any kind, no more anxiety...so why am I not able to let this go?

[MartyT]

Somehow we humans confuse holding onto pain with holding onto the one we have lost. If we no longer feel the pain, maybe that means we've let go of our beloved, and everything in us is railing against that letting go. We also on some level feel a sense of disloyalty to the one who has died, as if no longer being in pain means that our love was shallow and short-lived. None of this is rational or accurate ~ but then, feelings aren't always rational. That is why we need to examine them and expose them and evaluate them in the light of day. Feelings that are expressed will dissipate. It's when we hold onto them or work overtime to suppress them that we get into trouble. What you are doing is what you need to do, and when you are ready, you'll be willing to let this go. I always say that, when we feel guilty about whatever part we think we played in this momentous euthanasia decision, it's not until we feel as if we've punished ourselves enough that we feel ready to let go of that guilt.

[Gracie4ever]

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

Somehow we humans confuse holding onto pain with holding onto the one we have lost. If we no longer feel the pain, maybe that means we've let go of our beloved, and everything in us is railing against that letting go. We also on some level feel a sense of disloyalty to the one who has died, as if no longer being in pain means that our love was shallow and short-lived. None of this is rational or accurate ~ but then, feelings aren't always rational. That is why we need to examine them and expose them and evaluate them in the light of day. Feelings that are expressed will dissipate. It's when we hold onto them or work overtime to suppress them that we get into trouble. What you are doing is what you need to do, and when you are ready, you'll be willing to let this go. I always say that, when we feel guilty about whatever part we think we played in this momentous euthanasia decision, it's not until we feel as if we've punished ourselves enough that we feel ready to let go of that guilt.

Marty, what you just wrote really struck a chord with me. In just reading your first sentence I started to cry already. I don't think I had cried in the past two days, just trying not to think about it and trying to keep the negative thoughts away.  It's like when my friend asked if I wanted a kitten and I said, "no, I'm still deep into grieving"...so yes I associate my level of grieving with my love for my girl! Very insightful and will help me cope from now on. Thank you, Marty.

[kayc]

It's true, it's not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love and that continues still.

[GMS]

On 9/4/2020 at 1:12 PM, MartyT said:

Somehow we humans confuse holding onto pain with holding onto the one we have lost. If we no longer feel the pain, maybe that means we've let go of our beloved, and everything in us is railing against that letting go. We also on some level feel a sense of disloyalty to the one who has died, as if no longer being in pain means that our love was shallow and short-lived. None of this is rational or accurate ~ but then, feelings aren't always rational. That is why we need to examine them and expose them and evaluate them in the light of day. Feelings that are expressed will dissipate. It's when we hold onto them or work overtime to suppress them that we get into trouble. What you are doing is what you need to do, and when you are ready, you'll be willing to let this go. I always say that, when we feel guilty about whatever part we think we played in this momentous euthanasia decision, it's not until we feel as if we've punished ourselves enough that we feel ready to let go of that guilt.

Marty that is definitely spot on. I feel very guilty letting go. I keep looking at pictures and videos and almost try to fool myself that I can bring him back. Lately I've been second guessing myself regarding the euthanasia even though in my head I know it was the right choice.

I know someone had brought up medication recently and as someone who's been on anti anxiety meds for a long time now I do think it can help someone if time is not healing fast enough. I know if I weren't on them now I probably wouldn't even be able to function the last week. 

[Gracie4ever]

On 9/6/2020 at 2:03 PM, GMS said:

Marty that is definitely spot on. I feel very guilty letting go. I keep looking at pictures and videos and almost try to fool myself that I can bring him back. Lately I've been second guessing myself regarding the euthanasia even though in my head I know it was the right choice.

I know someone had brought up medication recently and as someone who's been on anti anxiety meds for a long time now I do think it can help someone if time is not healing fast enough. I know if I weren't on them now I probably wouldn't even be able to function the last week. 

GMS I do the same thing, I keep wishing I could bring her back and when I realize I can't, I feel so tore up inside. I've been thinking of anti-anxiety meds and doctor actually prescribed something but it's just for the physical symptoms of anxiety, like rapidly beating heart, etc. I'm thinking maybe I need something to actually reduce the anxiety itself, if that is possible. I've been spending most of my time in my bedroom because she slept mostly on the couch in the living room...

[GMS]

Gracie - Yeah I would definitely recommend meds specifically for the anxiety (after consulting with a doctor of course). It really helped me with my general anxiety as it kind of stops the feedback system which cause the anxiety to get worse and worse as you start thinking about the same thing over and over. It's certainly not a miracle cure and isn't going to stop anxiety altogether for events like losing a loved one. I guess we wouldn't be human if we could do that. And it does tend to take a few weeks to really start to work. If you go that route I hope it helps.

[Gracie4ever]

3 hours ago, GMS said:

Gracie - Yeah I would definitely recommend meds specifically for the anxiety (after consulting with a doctor of course). It really helped me with my general anxiety as it kind of stops the feedback system which cause the anxiety to get worse and worse as you start thinking about the same thing over and over. It's certainly not a miracle cure and isn't going to stop anxiety altogether for events like losing a loved one. I guess we wouldn't be human if we could do that. And it does tend to take a few weeks to really start to work. If you go that route I hope it helps.

Thank you GMS, I definitely think I will not pick up that med and request something for the anxiety itself. I definitely keep thinking of the same thoughts over and over and it’s killing me. I’ll send a message to my Doc and see what options are. Would it be ok if I send you a message?

Thanks again for your input. I’ve had insomnia and lack of appetite so I’m a wreck and anything that could help even one aspect would be great.

[GMS]

12 hours ago, Gracie4ever said:

Would it be ok if I send you a message?

Thanks again for your input. I’ve had insomnia and lack of appetite so I’m a wreck and anything that could help even one aspect would be great.

Yes absolutely. Message me anytime. 🙂