Loss of mother and returning to normality

[Moon95]

Hi, I'm in my mid 20's and just lost my single parent mother unexpectedly, I knew the night before that it wasn't good but I didn't expect it that night if anytime soon.

I've never faced a loss before and I've gotta say it's not easy, I'm posting here because I want to try and understand what's going on in my own head, some days I feel like I can get up and play videogames but moments will hit me regardless, in terms of work I've been lucky enough to have a very lenient boss but I need to go back into it for my own self, I work in telesales and when I try to pick up the phone I have absoloutely no motivation, no mojo, no sales skill where prior to this I was pretty good.

I know it's just in my own mind but I was wondering if anyone here knows how to sort of overcome that kind of thing or when it will go away.

I know it helps to talk to friends and let it out and I've done that a lot over the last 2 weeks.

Or if any one knows any general things that help.

Thanks

 

[kayc]

I'm sorry, I don't. I've gone through many losses, the hardest being the loss of my husband...in my case I had to keep working, only took two weeks off, but it was hard to focus, that's for sure.  Sales would be tough, I was Office Mgr/Bkpr, I also helped the supervisors with their performance appraisals and assisted Quality Control and was Safety Mgr.  I think what helped me was I'd done it for so many years I knew my job backwards and forwards, but still focus was hard and perfection was required.

You might want to consider seeing a grief counselor.

[kayc]

These are the things I've found helpful following the loss of my husband...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, Moon95 said:

I work in telesales and when I try to pick up the phone I have absoloutely no motivation, no mojo, no sales skill where prior to this I was pretty good.

There is no doubt that the sudden, unexpected death of your mother will affect every aspect of your life, including your work life, but it may help to remember that in grief, you do have some control over your own reactions. You might begin by learning more about the normal grief process, so you'll understand better what you may be feeling and why. Learn what you can do to manage your reactions, and discover how you might set aside the time and space you need to mourn. (See the readings listed below.)

I also encourage you to consciously and deliberately set aside time and space to lean into your grief, just as you set aside time and space to do your regular job. While you may not feel as if you're bringing your best self to work right now, remember the old adage, "Fake it until you make it." (Here's a pretty good article on that topic: When to Fake It Till You Make It (And When You Shouldn't).

If your work was "pretty good prior to this" then you already know how to do your work in telesales. Your challenge is to make room for the work that your grief will require as well.

Grief: Understanding The Process

Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

Finding Crying Time in Grief 

[Moon95]

Thank you, I will read through everything