YOUR IN EVERY THOUGHT OF EVERYDAY IM STILL DYING iINSIDE.

[Laurie echevarria]

Well I'm trying I really am I havent gave up even though I wanted too so many times the pain I feel inside is literally feel as if I'm dieing slowly cant drive are go anywhere cause I break down and have a panick attack I cant eat certain food because I feel bad that you liked it so much and feel I shouldn't eat itt I cant smile cause I feel guilty I lay here still dieing inside crying ...I'm so lost still to this day dont really know what happened to my jesse now I heard they found him in a Bush cause he took fentenal  I dont know what to believe I'm sorry Jesse I wasn't there for you I love you so much I,i cant work dont know what to do all I do is cry and hide  from everything this will never pass I'll never be the same ever again it hurts so bad its not getting better it just isn't..........dieing alone .

[kayc]

I'm sorry, Laurie.  Try not to feel so bad for him, he's out of it now, it's YOU that is suffering.  My heart goes out to you, I know how hard those mental images are to live with, we all have them...

[Laurie echevarria]

Thank you it's the hardiest thing Iv ever been through and iv been through some horrific things ...

[Gwenivere]

 I totally understand the you are feeling. We all do.  At 2 weeks it is all encompassing and will be for a very long time. I know that is very hard to hear.  Your love for Jesse lived for years together, now you feel it alone.  I still haven’t figured out how to be in love alone.  Please don’t punish yourself by giving up things that might bring you comfort with the pain.  It’s holding  onto some things that keep us sane.   Kay is wise, this is about how you will travel this journey now that your life is forever altered.  All you are doing right now is surviving.  It’s the most you can handle.  Don’t worry about the world or participating in it.  It’s not going anywhere and you have so much to personally process.  Is there anyone you can talk to like a friend?  Most states have grief counselor resources, even if just by phone.  Someone to reach out to when you need it.  I normally don’t make suggestions because I know how I hated them when this happened to me.  But I had a counselor already and talking to another human who experienced this herself truly helped.  But you are not me.  

I hope being here is filling some of the need for connection.  Do you want to talk with someone?  These are only questions you can answer.  I cannot imagine going thru this alone.  I didn’t have a  lot of people to talk with except here, but I had a couple.  I just feel so bad you aren’t getting out just for the fact we need perspective and not to live in the pure isolation of grief.  I was a zombie or crying, but I had to get out, painful as it was and sometimes still is, to see the world.  Like squirrels and birds.  I definitely couldn’t interact so soon with people.  

I guess what I’m trying to say is beware of creating a prison for yourself.  Grief does that enough without our help.

[Laurie echevarria]

Thank you Gwenivere  you are truly a blessing to me and I know many others thank you for your advise I will take it and make an appointment I Do need  some help. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m so glad to hear that, Laurie.  I had counseling today and needed help on a very dark thought.  It so helped to know others had voiced the same to my counselor.  It’s too easy to feel alone in this.  Not that I wanted others to feel as I do, but there is a relief knowing it’s normal, even tho I hate that word now.

[kayc]

Very sage advice, Gwen, from someone who has weathered so much.  Learning to care for myself is one of the most valuable things I've learned on this journey.  All the more important because the ONE that cared for me and looked out for me is gone.  People put pressure on us and we must learn to listen within ourselves what WE need not what others try to put on us.  (Speaking to myself here.)  

I hope you find a counselor that resonates with you, Laurie.