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My boyfriend died 3 weeks ago. He had a heart attack and I couldn’t save him. I am so sad. I have no one to talk to. My family doesn’t even check on me. All I have is my kids. I just sit and cry. I can’t work. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have lost ten pounds. I miss him so much. I am completely devastated. I don’t know what to do.

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Welcome.  I'm sorry you have been forced to step out onto the road that no one willingly travels.  Being unable to sleep or eat, losing weight, etc. are all very much normal and natural.  You exist in a state of devastation and shock, and since you have lost the most important person in your life, I assure you that not knowing what to do is also natural and understandable.  It's okay to not know, right now.

You say your family doesn't check on you, but what about friends, neighbors, co-workers?  You don't say how old the children are, so depending on their age, they may be just as stunned as you are.

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Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, other people, who *haven't lost a spouse* feel like going back to normal. It isn't that they don't care about YOU: their loss wasn't like yours. Many people until they lose a life partner to death, don't get it. 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Keep posting, we'll do what we can. 

Did your boyfriend have a will? Did you two live together? How long were you together?

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I'm so sorry for your loss. We all have been when you are today. A kind friend checked on me everyday for three questions: have you drink water? Have you ate something? Have you slept? I couldn't eat, so I ate fruit. Fruit in little pieces, like grapes, strawberries. I couldn't feel their taste, but I ate something. I couldn't eat a whole plate of anything. Fruit was easy to eat. I couldn't sleep. I took pills under medical supervision. I woke up and wanted to die. I was dying. I lost pounds. I don't know how or when exactly, but I started to eat, to drink water, to sleep. To sit outside in the sun. I was lost and in pain. What you are going through is normal, it's painful. It's the worst. I'm so sorry. You cannot see it today, but you will survive. I'm in my year 6 and I lost my boyfriend too. 

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I am so sorry for your loss but glad you found your way here.  This place saved my life when I lost my husband 15 years ago.  I'm sorry it took so long for me to respond, our state is undated with fires and my power/phone/internet/water has been out all week.  :(

When George died, all of our friends disappeared overnight, my family cared but didn't have a clue what this was like or how to help me.  It's taken me a long time to process my grief, more yet to find purpose, and even more to build a life I can live.  We want to be here for you if you want us to.

I wrote this article a few years ago of the things I'd found helpful, it's meant to print out and read every few months as this is an ever evolving journey and what speaks to you on down the road may be different than that which is relevant right now.  Pretty much anything you can feel is normal in grief, it's hard but you'll get through this...I did not see how that was possible in the beginning.  One day at a time.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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  • 1 month later...

Mojo I am new here, my husband passed away from a heart attack too on October 21st. I understand the raw pain you are feeling, it’s so very very hard to function. You feel completely broken. I feel like I was dropped from a tall building then electrocuted after I hit the floor.

After reading your words I feel like I wrote them because I feel the exact same way. I have two kids in middle school he was a step father to. He was the best father they’d ever known. Nothing can prepare you for the shock. Nothing.

We haven’t slept, we have barely eaten but I force the kids to at least get down a few bites and drink water.

 We just bought our house in July and still have things left to unpack. He handled all the finances because he was very particular about things and wouldn’t let me help. I’m devastated he didn’t even get to enjoy his hard work and his dream home.  I’m sorry this seems so unorganized, my thoughts are scrambled and I can’t make heads or tails out of my thoughts and my emotions are on a nightmare roller coaster. 

 

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