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Why can ex be happy around friends but not want a relationship anymore?


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I’ve been reading the comments here. I was dating someone very seriously for a year and after the death of his father he just changed into a completely different person. He’s turned mean to me but nice to everyone else. 
 

it’s been about 5 months and now that he is starting to come out of his isolation and do things with friends he doesn’t want a relationship with me. I have done everything I could to stand by him during this time, support him in any way I can. His family is so appreciate but he just doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore.

How can he be okay with going out with friends be okay and not having a relationship with me or I should say even a friendship with me like we had. before? It’s been bad ever since the death but now that he’s doing better he broke things off. I’m just baffled and really hurt. He refuses to talk to me about it. 

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I was puzzled by this too when I went through it but what I have learned is they feel pressure in a relationship that they don't feel dating, with friends, or family, neighbors.  They FEEL they SHOULD be giving you more than they are able to give, so they feel the need to break it off.  Try really hard not to personalize where it's not meant to be...he does not mean harm to you, he is likely as baffled as you are at his feelings, he has no control over them...look at yourselves as both being victims of grief, because that's what it is in a nutshell.  

Sometimes there's extenuating circumstances contributing, such as things not being right beforehand that were overlooked or ignored, but not always.  That does not mean that was the case with you!  This is not how most grieve, but it's enough of them to call it a classic pattern of some.  Please let yourself and him off the hook and try to let go of this...focus on you, just as he is focusing on him.  I know it hurts, I know it's hard...coming from someone who has been there, done that!

I am so sorry for all of your pain.  You do not deserve this.  You deserve to be with someone who wants to go through thick and thin with you...that is not him. :wub:

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Thank you for your reply. I’ve heard through friends he’s looking to date other people. I just don’t understand what happened. Everything was going great before his dads death. I was there for him more than almost anyone apart from his family. And now he wants to date strangers? He also broke it off by a two sentence email and won’t talk to me. I am beside myself. 

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I would not want someone who could not even sit down and talk to me about it in person, honestly!  My fiance of a year broke it off by Fed Ex!  At my workplace no less!  So I got the news in front of my coworkers and was asked to leave because I cried.  It was humiliating as well as blindsided.  To me, that's passive/aggressive!  Only not too passive about it!

I didn't deserve it.  Neither do you.

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I’m so sorry to hear he broke up with you that way. I just don’t understand how someone who was your best friend could suddenly end things so cruelly. I’ve been a wreck. I see his social media and he’s been following women and clearly wants to be with them but not me, the one person who stood by his side for the first 6 months after his father died. I don’t know if I’m ever going to fully recover from this. 

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People do strange things in the throes of grief.  I've seen it and lived it. I can certainly understand that you feel dumbfounded and hurt by his behavior, and I'm sorry to say there often is no explanation to be had.  Probably better that you find out *now* what he's like during hard times, versus making a life with him and *then* finding out how undependable or erratic he can become.

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I totally sympathize with your pain!  I was just as dumbfounded by why my ex could be with his XW, neighbors, friends, but not want me around for support?  It'd be easier if we had some decent explanation but to just come out of nowhere and blindside us, that's tough.  I only know we can and need to make our own closure and move on with our lives in absence of them.  I think you will recover, even if you never fully understand it.  We don't have to understand to accept that what is, is; I learned that after my husband died 15 years ago.  I certainly wish you the best, I know your feelings all too well...been there!

Kieron, good response, as always!

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Good, I'm glad you're setting your sights high and know your own value!  You'll be okay.  ;)

 

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