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boyfriend ended it when dad died


Car180

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Hi everyone, I am a female (24) experiencing something very confusing with my now ex (25). Him and I had a very good relationship, about 5 months long and we were good friends prior to this as well. His dad had been diagnosed with cancer before we started dating, and it was terminal. Everything was fine, my ex was not really close to his dad so he constantly said he was fine and this would not affect him at all, but when he did pass away he ended up feeling very affected by it and we broke up a week later, with him saying he doesn't feel like he can be in a relationship anymore and he is feeling trapped. While I do think I understand, it is admittedly very upsetting to me and I am having a hard time with it, so I wanted to reach out to see if anyone had any input on why someone would drop a good relationship in this event and what the "trapped" comment means. 

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I am so sorry that you too find yourself going through this, I know it hurts.  This is a very common grief response as often grievers do not feel they can do a relationship when they are grieving, they have nothing to give, all of their energy is going into their grieving.  Grief has a beginning but not necessarily an ending, but it does evolve during the grief journey.  However, I have not noticed people who break up with others during this going back to the relationship later on.  I was engaged for a year and my fiance suddenly broke up with me when his mom was dying.  Their relationship was not great either, she abused him growing up and he went to live with his dad, who also abused him.  They were his adoptive parents, and he later got to know his birth parents after his died.

It blindsided me and I think I cried every day for four months.  We went no contact for a few months and did eventually resume periodic contact but as friends.  I will say that won't work without time in between for healing and clarity and both being on the same page as it doesn't work if both want something different.  (One can't force or manipulate another to be in a relationship when it's not what they want.)  

The trapped comment might have been reflective of how he felt stuck between the pressure of his relationship and the grief.  It's not that you caused this by anything you said or did but rather that the griever FEELS they should be giving more but can't.  They feel guilty for not being there for you as they think they should so they break up as they see it as the only solution.  Even giving space does not necessarily help as they STILL feel that self-imposed pressure of what they think they should be doing/giving.  And it's also possible that the trapped comment was reflective of how he'd been feeling prior to this.

Sometimes we don't get answers and have to create our own closure by focusing on ourselves and spending time with supportive people and learning/growing, perhaps working on yourself or taking classes, trying a hobby, some creative outlet but let him do him and you do you.  In time you will heal and move on from this and perhaps even come to view it as I have, that it was for the best, no matter how much you still care about the person.  Sometimes when we're in love it can skew things about the relationship or we overlook things we perhaps should have considered.

I wish you the best going forward!  Feel free to come here and vent, share your feelings, we are here, listening, caring.

This was my story: 

 

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This was extremely helpful kayc, I really appreciate this. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact we won’t get back together, because at first he said that he thought about going on a break but didn’t think it would be fair of him to do that when he didn’t know how long he needs/he didn’t want to drag me down with him. The last time we talked I told him that while I was upset if he needed to reach out to someone as he was going through a lot, and he responded kindly and apologized but also thanked me for being there for him as he was having a rough time. I haven’t said anything since. 
basically, I guess I’m asking is there no shot of us getting back together, even if we have another conversation? Right now I’m maintaining no contact because I really don’t know what else to do. 

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I don't recall who originally said this which I found on a Tumblr blog, but I saved it because I have done the Mixed-Message Tango a few times in my life.

"If you can’t figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking."

And the great thing about this quote is that it is not limited to love relationships.

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23 hours ago, Car180 said:

I guess I’m asking is there no shot of us getting back together

I would venture to say a 99% chance you will not.  I've read and posted in all of the threads here and remember only one out of hundreds that got back together, they weren't apart long and we didn't get a long term report so we have no way of knowing if they lasted past two months.

Yes, Kieron, great quote!!

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