I love and miss my mom!

[Sandi109]

I just lost my mom 3 weeks ago but the whole thing is such a shock and such a tragedy. She left for a simple dental appointment to have a crown that had broken off replaced and ended up within minutes of the appointment mostly brain dead. She was so scared of dental procedures so made sure to have conscious dental sedation everytime. This is where you get an Iv cocktail of a sedative, an anesthetic and laughing gas to help relax you and keep you calm. She has had this many times before with no problem but due to her advanced age she wanted to have a lower dosage and had requested this. She totally trusted these people which is so sad!  As soon as she was injected with these medications she went into swift respiratory arrest which after a few minutes went into cardiac arrest. Based on investigating what happened, it looks like the dental office was completely untrained in how to handle medical emergencies. Nothing was done during the time she was respiratory arresting to monitor her airway or readjust her. No reversal meds were given either.  And when she cardiac arrested they ended up having to find a doctor down the hall to help them. Because of this her heart rhythm was not brought back till the EMT's got there.   But they lied about it to us and to the medical personnel who suspected it was false from the start. Because if it had happened as the dental office had stated, my mom would be alive right now. She would have recovered. That's what the head doctor at the ICU neurology department said.   They said if she had been without oxygen just for a few minutes and then the EMT's got her heart going a few minutes later she would be looking far different.  The EMT's knew it was suspicious from the start and so we were given very little hope for a recovery. In the end my 80 year old mom was left in a coma in an intensive care unit where none of her family were allowed to see her till her death was imminent.  We all held out for hope that she would be okay but it was not to be. She was dying even being on life support so we had to rush in to say goodbye to her. So 10 days after that fateful dental appointment we held her hand and talked to her for over an hour. Gave her kisses and waited till the fateful moment the respirator was to be removed. Then we had to watch her quickly die. She turned blue and made the most awful noises. The worst of it was the pained look on her face and her eyes bulging. She looked like she was in so much distress! We had not been prepared for this at all. We were told her pain and discomfort would be taken care of. My aunt who works in intensive care told us how she should have injected prepared ahead of time with pain meds. At least 15 to 60 minutes ahead. That that's how it typically is done in her unit and that prevents what she called the death rattle. 

The vision of what my mom looked like at death haunts both me and my sister. The fact that she had to die involved in an appointment that she was scared to attend. She was simply looking for some comfort as they probed into her mouth and to think that right away she wasn't able to breath. What was she experiencing? Was she panicking? I can clearly see her face as I kissed her goodbye for this appointment my dad was taking her to. She was the sweetest, most gentle person in the whole world. She didn't deserve this! And if you knew the horrible things the dental office said to us. No caring or comfort was given at all. They were trying to lay the blame on our shoulders. I feel so much pain and agony over what happened that there are no words for it. From the investigation into this it looks like she was accidently overdosed. And she had asked for half the normal dosage for someone her age. And the office just panicked. Didn't know what to do. About anything. And then lashed out at all of us. They don't seem upset at all by what has happened. There voices are just cold and unfeeling. Our family is left in a shambles.

I am lost now. My mom was my best friend in the whole world. I was suppose to protect her from unscrupulous people. This isn't a simple case of a mistake and the office feeling bad and wishing they could reverse it. This is a case of lies, cover ups, changing the story over and over, viciousness.   I wanted her to leave this dental office based on things I was seeing from them but she refused. I feel extreme guilt over not pushing it further. Now look what happened. I just feel so empty, so much despair. How does one heal when a loved ones death is so tragic and premature? SHe might have been 80 years old but she had a really strong heart and no major health issues. She had a lot of years left. Longevity runs in her family. My grandmother died when she was nearly 92 and my grandfather at 87 . My great grandparents died at 87 and 88. She had time left. 

I know it is a long road ahead but I just don't know how I'm ever to find peace from this. This whole thing haunts me. I have never felt so much pain in my life and I have suffered. 

[MartyT]

My dear, there is precious little I can say to soothe your broken heart, save to say that I am shocked and saddened to read your heartbreaking story, and I cannot imagine how painful this must be for you and your family. I hope you won't try to bear the burden of this profound loss without professional support. Given the distressing circumstances of your mother's death and the guilt and anger you're left with now, I encourage you to seek the sort of trauma-informed grief support that a qualified counselor or therapist can provide. 

[kayc]

Sandi,

I am so so sorry to hear this, your pain is tremendous.  It's all so wrong!  I'm wondering if you won't consider suing them when you're more ready, I know it'd be hard, but honestly, these people shouldn't be in practice.  Your number one priority necessitates your getting help for yourself though, and I hope you'll do that, as Marty suggested.  So different from my mom's death, who was ready and in her 90s.  I''m sorry for you and your sister and your dad. 

[Sandi109]

Thank you both. Right now am the caregiver of my dad who basically doesn't want to talk about my mom or what happened at all. We have been encouraged to seek legal counsel, even having the ICU make insinuations about investigating this death so that is where we are right now. The sooner the better we were told because the longer you wait the more the dental office can perform a cover up, although I don't see how they could do any more of a cover up than they have already done.  Everything they do and say is rehearsed. Everything is about protecting them which is unbelievable to me. If I accidently did what they did to someone, I would be riddled with guilt. Saddens me to see how the real world operates. 

Just trying to get through day by day and having a very hard time. I basically have no one to talk to. My mom was my best friend. We had a very special bond and understood each other perfectly. She was very religious with a deep faith in God. We would talk about about the Bible and watch religious programs together all the time. Just hours before her fateful dental appointment we prayed the 23rd Psalm together.  I've been very strong in my faith up until now and never doubted anything. Now I find myself questioning things I never did before. How could this have happened to my mom? She was so afraid of dentists and to have this happen with none of her family around her. She must have been scared.  Will I see her again? I think I will see her. I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior and the Bible and she did as well. But part of me now feels this extreme fear of never getting to see her again. Never getting to tell her what an amazing mom she was and how I appreciate her. How she's made such an impact on my life.  And then I begin to doubt. What if I'm wrong? I was wrong about not pushing harder against her going to that dentist. 

The intensity of this fear of never seeing her again has lessened but I still get it. I am basically obsessed with reading about Near Death Experiences and evidence for the existence of the soul type stuff. Gives me comfort feeling there is some type of evidence out there even if it is not absolute. I am dealing with a lot of emotions but I feel the spiritual aspects right now are the greatest. When I begin to feel better about seeing my mom again in the future I immediately relax. Doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened and how unfair it was. But just knowing she is okay and protected by God means everything. 

 

[MartyT]

My dear, I offer the following, in hopes that their content brings you some measure of understanding and peace:

Religion and Spirituality in Grief

In Grief: When Faith and God Don't Make Sense

Why? Why Me? Searching for Answers in Grief

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Sandi109 said:

But just knowing she is okay and protected by God means everything. 

Yes, I understand.  I do hope the investigation brings some justice for your mom.  Your dad is handling things differently than you, perhaps it's too hard for him to talk about right now but perhaps later on.  My BIL passed away six days ago, he took care of my sister and now much of that is falling to me, I'm exhausted, so can only imagine how you feel.  I did this for three years when I was younger, but am turning 68 in eight days and feeling it!  Strength for today...

Your mom didn't deserve any of this, I certainly don't know why things happen as they do, it shows there is no fairness about it, or so it seems...counting on the next world/life being better!  I hope you are still able to find good in your day, no matter how small.  (((hugs)))

[Sandi109]

The fact that this whole thing is starting to be investigated does help a lot.  Thinking my mom will get some justice is nice but the most important thing would be that no one else would have to suffer something like this. That means more than anything because we can't bring my mom back which is what I would truly want! 

I agree my dad is dealing with this tragedy a whole lot differently than me. I feel the need to talk and get my feelings out while he wants to just smile and pretend everything is okay. For everything to remain as normal as possible which is true to his nature. He hates any kind of change.  I am trying to fulfill what I think mom would have wanted. To look after dad and make sure he is okay. He has aged a lot in the past month. It scares me actually. He looks so much more gaunt and old than before. He has an ear problem that makes it difficult for him to talk but it was never very obvious to others, mostly just to him. Now that my mom has passed, his ability to speak is getting harder and harder.  I know I need to be strong for him for I want him to live for several more years. That does give me purpose at a time where I feel like shutting down and giving up. Some days I can hardly function. I have things I need to get done but I am walking around in a fog, it taking me at least twice the amount of time to do them.  I hate the new normal but I need to learn to live with it. 

The lack of understanding on why this happened still plagues me and my sister.  It wasn't fair. To think that she died (before being brought back by CPR) in an office she was so afraid of with none of her family in the room.  Makes me cry thinking about it. Then she flatlined again after reaching the hospital. Given the length of time she was without oxygen the doctors said it was miraculous that she was brought back at all. That most 40 year olds who suffered what she did would never have made it to the ICU alive.  But her heart was that strong. She always said she feared dying alone. Did she fight to stay alive so she could say goodbye to us and not die alone? I hope she felt comfort with us there by her side holding her hand and giving her little kisses. I so hope that is so and that she wasn't in any discomfort or fear! 

I pray that God gives me the strength to endure this for this is the hardest part of my life! The vision of her in heaven with her beloved grandparents and parents makes me happy and gives me hope for the future!

[Sandi109]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Your mom didn't deserve any of this, I certainly don't know why things happen as they do, it shows there is no fairness about it, or so it seems...counting on the next world/life being better!  I hope you are still able to find good in your day, no matter how small.  (((hugs)))

I'm counting on life in heaven to be much better than here on earth. We are here to learn and live out our purpose and then go on to a better life.  There's got to be a deeper meaning and purpose to life. I am trying to find good in my days but it is very hard at this early stage. I have found moments where I laugh at something said or a joke on television but those moments are few and far between. It is tough to laugh when a big part of your joy is removed from the earth. Me and my mom were super connected to each other. Best friends! But I am doing my best to try to push forward with life. I just know it is going to be a super long road. Thanks for your support! hugs!

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Sandi109 said:

There's got to be a deeper meaning and purpose to life. I am trying to find good in my days but it is very hard at this early stage.

There is, but it took me years to process my husband's death (unexpected and way too young), years more to find purpose, and more years yet to build a life I could live again.  I want to share an article with you that I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[kayc]

I meant to give you this article yesterday... https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/10/how-we-mourn-understanding-our.html

I hope you get some justice for your mom!

[Sandi109]

kayc, I wanted to say thank you for all your posts. They have been very helpful.  I must admit am not doing well right now. For some reason it is hitting me harder in some senses now. The absolute shock was worse some weeks ago but now that full reality is setting in the pain is just feeling different.  I don't know if this makes any sense. The fact I'm kind of isolated doesn't make it any better. At least I have my dad but he acts so upbeat and happy so much of the time I feel like I have to pretend to be happy which is taking its toll. My sister is very busy with her own life so can only talk to me every 2 to 3 days or so on average. And now that she is starting a new job it may be less than that.  With how raw I'm feeling I really need to talk every day, even if just for 10 to 15 minutes. Not having my mom is making me feel alone. Terribly alone! So it is rough. I can't wait till we move away next year and are closer to my sister's family. It will be so much easier!

I am so sorry about the loss of your brother in law. I meant to say something before and I forgot. It is not easy losing people we care about. And now you have to look out after your sister. My prayers are with you! Take care. 

[kayc]

Thank you for your sweet post, even in the middle of your loss and emotion you're thinking of others (me!).  It really does take some time to work through this and I know of no way to avoid the pain but to experience it, it's part of our processing. Just remember you can come here any time and vent, wail, whatever you need to do!  I cried plenty over my Arlie, a friend of mine mentioned yesterday that it was very much like losing my husband was because Arlie had been my companion, always with me, for so many years.  He was a great communicator, and always so happy, he lifted my spirits!  He was my walking companion, my everything, I loved him more than anything in the world, and my friend was right, it felt very much like losing my husband had.  Be patient and kind with yourself, I'm sorry you don't have someone to talk to every day, at least I have my sister Peggy.  

[gg2b]

Sandi, I am so very sorry for your loss and the very very tragic circumstances around your Mom’s passing. While I lost my mom in March and am dealing with my grief over it know that.... When I was 10 I lost my younger brother (he was 7) who was hit by a car in front of our home. He died that day in ICU. They had to let him go b/c there was too much brain damage....I was devastated. (And I’m crying as I write this...you never forget...)... I think the whole family went numb. I remember it as going through the motions of living for such a long long time....the ache was beyond words awful. There was an inquest, but I was too young to know much about that and my parents didn’t talk about it much. It must’ve been very difficult, though. He was hit by a speeding car....

My parents were devout Catholics and stayed together through this....faith helped in that the rituals brought some consolation. But why did this happen? I never questioned it b/c it just hit me then as a very hard reality of life. But I can see why you’d question a lot, especially when your mom’s death seems so preventable. I do believe, like you, that she is in a better place. It’s the living here that is achingly difficult....there’s lots to process...and need for lots of self-care....lots of it...I work on that, every day....I’ve joined a virtual bereavement support group in my area and that’s really helped....I also have a therapist...loss has been part of my family in so many ways, I keep learning more and more about that...I hope you can find some additional sources of support to help you through this....so you’re not so alone....

As Kay and Marty say, keep coming back here for support. We can hold hope for you when things seem dark and hopeless.