Annette

[nashreed]

I lost my beautiful wife, Annette, 4 and a half months ago. She was the sweetest, kindest, most big-hearted girl there has ever been. I truly wish more people had known her, but she had a lot of health problems that caused her to not want to socialize. She was legally blind, she had severe Rheumatoid Arthritis, Kidney Disease, Type 1 Diabetes...a lot. She passed from cardiac arrest brought on by extreme low blood sugar. Her kidney disease left it very hard for her to manage her blood sugar but she was independent and stubborn and believed she could manage her Diabetes herself. 

Suffice it to say, I was her caregiver for several years (we were married 27) and because she didn't want to be social, or a burden, we isolated ourselves. It was just the two of of us, and it was great. I mean, it wasn't great- she was in massive pain a lot of the time, and couldn't read like she used to love to do, but she tried her best not to be down, and we were happy in our little house. It was us against the world.  So losing her, of course, completely changed my life. I had spent all my time caring for her, trying my best to help her, even when she was stubborn, and drive her to many, many doctor appointments. I think she had a dozen different doctors. 

I am actually ok with her passing- she was asleep and hopefully didn't feel pain when they were trying to revive her.  I know she is in a good place, and that she is not in pain anymore. I have felt nothing negative, but I do wish that I could dream of her more (I've had maybe three dreams with her in them since May). My problems are purely selfish. I don't know what to do with my life now. I was with her every day, all day (except for work- we didn't have any friends because I enjoyed her company so much). I had to move from Tulsa, OK back to California and am living with my mother and brother, back in the home I grew up in. I am 50 years old, and am in the same bedroom that I was in when I was a teenager. So, I'm an old, achier version of myself as a teenager, when I was awkward, alone and miserable- amplified by a thousand. It's some sad irony. 

I have no illusions that I will ever have another relationship. It's not happening. I'm sure I am on the Autism spectrum. I have a lot of social anxiety, plus I am completely broke and, aside from Disability and selling on Ebay, have nothing to offer financially. I am so lonely. I just miss her company and want to be with her. I would easily commit suicide, but I believe that you can't get to Heaven if you do. I truly don't want to live though, and feel such tremendous emptiness and loss, with no purpose to my day. I wake up every day upset that I didn't pass from a heart attack or something.  I truly don't think I can get a job right now. The only way I could get through my last one, with all of my issues, was her calls every hour and her encouragement. My family really are emotionally closed off and are not equipped to deal with loss and they have their own major mental issues. All of the progress that I made to get rid of my OCD and baggage when I was with her feels like it never happened.  Just a few months feels like a lifetime, and it's hard to connect with my life with her and remember the great love we had. 

I guess I just need to ask for advice on how to get through my days alone. I guess I need to figure out how to like myself and enjoy my own company. It's hard to actually enjoy anything without feeling guilt that she can't enjoy it with me. 

Thanks!

James

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Welcome, James, to the club no one wants to join.  I’m so sorry for you loss.  Everyone here will understand all you feel in your grief.  I’m sorry you had to move and are so isolated.  That can make things worse.  This is a safe place to release your feelings and I hope that helps a bit.  We are like a family and I hope you will feel that if you stay and get to know us.  I don’t know much about autism.  I do know how it feels to lose your 'job' as a caregiver.  I was one for 5 years and for 5 years after feel very lost. I miss my best friend and love.  I’ll never be OK again after the loss, so I know how this totally changes our lives.

[Littlepeach]

I truly know the things you’re feeling. The pain in your heart and not being able to breathe. I lost my husband five months ago. I had the very same thoughts and anguish (still do for the most part) that you have. Do you want to go on living in a world without them? No. Will it get easier with time? I’ll let you know. I’m sad and lonely and lost. We all are. You’re very lucky to have family around you. Be easy on yourself. You’re allowed to grieve for however how long it takes. One step at a time. ❣️

[kayc]

James,

I am sorry for your loss of your wife, 27 years is a long time.  I understand the Autism part, one of my best friends is Jim, he has Asperger's and high social anxiety.  That needn't exclude you from relationships, I think once people understand your situation, it helps them to understand you better.  When I first met Jim, I found some of his responses odd, it puzzled me because sometimes he could say things without a filter and could come across insensitive, but once I understood him better, I didn't put that filter on him, I just knew he is him and it's okay, he's a very dear man!

You took care of your wife for years and understood and loved her, you can be proud of how you handled things.  I hope you'll continue to come here, it helps to express yourselves with others that get it, I've been here for 15 years, this place has been a godsend to me and I want nothing more than to be with others going through this as I had no clue where to start when I was blindsided with my husband's premature death all those years ago.

I want to leave you an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years...no priority in how they're listed, just things thrown out there to consider, not everything applies to everyone but worth looking at and even revisiting later on down the road as this is an ever-evolving journey, what may not resonate with you right now may in a couple of years.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[nashreed]

Thanks for the support. I have resigned myself to the fact that I could never find another Annette. We were a team- we understood each other (she understood me, which is quite a feat). I just am so dreading the rest of my life alone. Part of me would love to find someone else, but I know that that's a virtually impossible ask.  Just after having love every day for so many years and then to be just like a lonely teenager again is more than I can handle. I feel like I didn't deserve her, that I took her for granted. I know how blessed I was to have had that love and now it feels like a lifetime ago- why is it so much easier to remember the bad times than the happy times? If I can get through December, it will be a miracle (my birthday, our anniversary, her birthday and Christmas all within a couple of weeks).

[Gwenivere]

I understand dreading December.  I have the same Halloween thru January.  The holidays plus our birthdays and anniversary and the date of his death.  Unlike you, I am not even thinking of another person.  There will never be one and that is an acceptance I knew from the start of this journey.  I don’t know why you are more remembering the bad times.  I think I remembered both and they all hurt.  They still do now but I can talk about them more easily.  I’m not screaming in the shower or crying myself to sleep much now.  But I carry the weight of his absence every single moment.  I have nothing to give anyone in a love relationship.  Acceptance is hard.  What we face every day now.  I don’t like who I am without him.  That is what I try and work on in therapy.  Ive lost my patience with the little things in life and the big ones overwhelm me.  You become such a team that works like clockwork.  You can afford to be knocked down because you have someone still standing and vice versa. I hope you’ll keep sharing as you feel your way thru the initial fog.  Thru all your emotions as they arise.

kay, I had a friend with asbergers and I was able to help him see the hurtful things he said without realizing it.  I never let him slide when he did.  He may have with other people, but for us to have a friendship it would not be tolerated.  I remember when his dog died suddenly he called me first sobbing.  I had never seen him express a deep feeling.  I was glad I could be there for him as he had no other friends and had alienated his family.  

[nashreed]

Thank you for understanding Gwenivere. I am only thinking of another relationship because I feel so alone without that marital connection we had. I know in my heart that there's nobody else for me. If somebody threw themselves at me I would probably not reciprocate. It's just the loneliness, the loss of my friend, my confidant, my everything. I can't even make eye contact with people, so speed dating is a no go. 

She was in poor health the last few years of her life and that's why the bad times stick out. I have a sucky memory- I mean, I can name all of the names of Bob Dylan's albums in order of release, but I can't remember details of my life without her a lot of times without a visual stimuli- an object, a picture. I totally just relate because we were a team. Our saying was "I'm ok if you're ok". I just don't have anything to give my family, for example. I just can't really be who they want me to be or expect me to be. They want me to act "normal" (whatever that is) and be myself. I don't have a personality without her. (Plus, my voice sucks and I don't like shouting and my Mom is hard of hearing- joy)

 

[Kieron]

Welcome, James, and sorry to read what you had endured.  Kidney disease/ESRD is probably one of the worst afflictions out there.  My partner lived with it for 14 years but eventually it wore him down.  As you say, those last few months...

I can kind of understand thinking about someone new.  Loneliness is certainly a real thing and it's a human and very natural thing to want company.  When I talked to a therapist about it a few years ago, she had the view that it was understandable, although possibly more of a "guy thing."  I think she said further that men who are widowed sometimes remarry quickly or get involved quickly with a new person, compared to women, who more often don't.  Of course it's a huge generalization and doesn't take into account people's diverse life experiences....   Anyway, there were a few times last year that I thought that it would be nice to at least have someone "around" to do things with or help one another out if needed, but then I realized it would entail starting alllllllllllllllll over again.  There's a saying "You can't make new old friends."  I mentioned that in another thread just the other day.  I don't have the energy for it.

Getting through those anniversaries and those "loaded" days and holidays... been there, done that, and I guess will always have to do it, year after year.  Even the angle of the light in late March is enough to make me gloomy.  The already-dark-and-dismal months of January through March are made worse by the memory of his last awful 3 months.

As a 50 year old man, being thrown back into the role of lonely teenager in a closed off family must feel like a nightmarish deja vu, and worse yet, being around people who have no conception of what it's like to lose your  wife, and who just want you to be "normal," for their own comfort because they don't want to confront mortality or anything else.  Yuck!  I am so sorry for such a situation.  😣

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Kieron said:

Anyway, there were a few times last year that I thought that it would be nice to at least have someone "around" to do things with or help one another out if needed, but then I realized it would entail starting alllllllllllllllll over again.  There's a saying "You can't make new old friends."  

Your words speak volumes.  Especially about new old friends.  So very true.  Having run into new people since Steve died and my old friends disappeared, nothing has really stuck.  They often have their own old friends already.  I’m not an age that has much time to invest into a long standing history.  We’d like to think new people will be close quickly, but that’s not how it works.  I so miss the people that shared much of my life.  I like meeting new people and learning about them.  How deep that can go is iffy.  I keep trying and that is about all we can do without getting obsessed about it.  It’s hard when you are craving connection.

[kayc]

On 9/29/2020 at 9:32 AM, nashreed said:

my birthday, our anniversary, her birthday and Christmas all within a couple of weeks

Wow, that is a lot at once!  I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers in December especially!

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

"You can't make new old friends."

True.  My best friend after my husband died moved to TX a few years ago, I have not been able to find anyone like her again, just as I have not found anyone like my George (husband) or Arlie (dog), they don't exist as they were all one of a kind, unique, irreplaceable.

 

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

My best friend after my husband died moved to TX a few years ago, I have not been able to find anyone like her again, just as I have not found anyone like my George (husband) or Arlie (dog), they don't exist as they were all one of a kind, unique, irreplaceable.

kayc:  I hear you.  Shortly after my husband passed away, probably less than two months one of my dearest friends passed away.   I have missed her so much and wouldn't even know how to make another old friend at my age.   For me, a friendship has to be a two way street and takes years to grow into trust and caring for each other.  Just as you say about George and Arlie, my Bob and my Maddie and my friend were one of a kind.  In the meantime, I do treasure the casual friends in my neighborhood that let me know they are here if I need them.  But, since their lives are busy with families and their "old friends" we will just wave or have a brief conversation occasionally.   It just is what it is for now. 

 

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

I just can't really be who they want me to be or expect me to be. They want me to act "normal" (whatever that is) and be myself. I don't have a personality without her.

James, The loss of your Annette is still so soon I am not surprised you are suffering so much pain and loneliness.  Unfortunately, I have found after five years of losing my husband I still suffer loneliness.  I lean towards being a lonely introvert - so being alone tends to be easier at times.  I depended on my husband's love and support more than I needed a large group of friends.  It's good you have a family near by, but know you would prefer their understanding more.  Since you have to live with yourself, I hope you will be your own "normal" and be comfortable with yourself.  Dee

[nashreed]

Thanks. I really kind of regret not having friends now, but I never wanted to hang out with anyone else. When I needed to be alone, I listened to music and she did her thing. When I had enough "me" time, it was only Annette I ever needed. We had a lifetime of shared likes and in-jokes and I miss that so much it's unbearable. Without my identity as her caregiver, I just have no purpose. I got a part-time job when she could no longer work, but with being prone to panic attacks and social anxiety, the only way I got through was her voicemails every hour. I don't know how I can get a job again without her support, especially with the pandemic (I have Diabetes and considered high risk as well).  I think I'm ok for a little bit, and then all of a sudden I think of her laying on the floor (she literally slid off her wheelchair and landed face down in the kitchen, but was snoring) and I lose it (I am too emotionally repressed being around my family to cry- I lose it mentally). I can't be relied on by anyone. My family can only understand so much. They luckily let me be me but we don't ever talk about how I'm feeling- my family doesn't ever hug. It's just rough. Thanks for the ear (or eyeballs).

[kayc]

I hope you are able to get disability income as it sounds like your anxiety is debilitating and keeps you from working.  Could you consider working from home at something?  
It's hard never getting touch from anyone, I used to get hugs at church but now even that is gone with COVID.

I was lucky to make such a wonderful friend after George died, but since she moved, it's not the same.  A couple of people I love and can talk to, but you know how it is, they're busy with their lives.

[nashreed]

39 minutes ago, kayc said:

I hope you are able to get disability income as it sounds like your anxiety is debilitating and keeps you from working.  Could you consider working from home at something?  
It's hard never getting touch from anyone, I used to get hugs at church but now even that is gone with COVID.

I was lucky to make such a wonderful friend after George died, but since she moved, it's not the same.  A couple of people I love and can talk to, but you know how it is, they're busy with their lives.

I do get disability, but I can work part time. It's pretty expensive in California. 

I woke up today with this finality and emotional numbness, like I was dead. I so wish I could dream of her, but I think the guilt I have over the circumstances of her passing are blocking it. I still look up possible causes and side effects of her medications and try to reason out what I could have done. It really sucks.

[Gwenivere]

I hope you don’t get too caught up in what you could have done.  It’s so very easy to look back and envision (wish for?) a different outcome if we knew something different.  I was not a doctor.  I did intercede in some places that I knew would make things worse and stopped them.  Steve trusted me on that.  But the surgeries and recovery methods I had no knowledge on and definitely knew I couldn’t trust the net opposed to actual specialists.  But I could ask questions from stuff I found.  I’m just saying you could get yourself all torn up even more by self research.  If you really want answers, take your doubts to neutral doctors.  Just a suggestion as that s what I did.  

[nashreed]

It is very, very hard to not feel guilt. There are so many things I feel I could have done. I don't know why I didn't wake up when she had a really bad low blood sugar. I usually did, but not that night.  I feel so guilty that I don't think of her more, but if I think of her I get depressed. I try to remember only good times, but it's hard.  

[kayc]

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

I still look up possible causes and side effects of her medications and try to reason out what I could have done.

Another part of grief, trying to find some other possible outcome, even after they've died.  It's what I call "on the way to acceptance."  On the way to acceptance we haven't yet accepted this happened, this is final, we're still looking for a way out, some way to bring them back, we want that so desperately! 

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

I try to remember only good times, but it's hard. 

Yes, this is the hardest journey I've ever been on.  I wish no one else ever had to go through this, that it was just this little group and no one more, but I know someone is dying every day and someone else is joining our ranks.  I wish none of us had cause to be here and the biggest decision we had today is where us and our spouses would go for a ride tomorrow.

[nashreed]

Thanks. I actually reached out to her doctor (through the patient portal) because there's still so many things that don't make sense about the night she passed. He gave me a different reason for what he thinks caused it, and I just don't know if it even helps or if its made it worse. I am in a very dark and lonely place. I truly, truly do not want to live anymore. As far as I can see, there's nothing to live for. Nothing seems to matter and nothing really gives more than fleeting enjoyment. I miss our old life and I miss everything about her. My family just annoys the hell out of me and it's not their fault. I'm just a ghost, hoping life ends soon.

[Gwenivere]

I’m probably the last person to offer my experience with what you are feeling.   I know how you feel and have for a very long time.  Mine is more 'I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die'.  I don’t know why except I fear death like most people for the unknown factor and innate survival instinct tho I feel nothing to survive for.  None of it makes any sense to me.  

I’m sorry to hear the doctors muddied the waters.  You didn’t say if it was a more acceptable answer, in that it was less painful or something, or if it compounded a bad situation.

the fact you have felt fleeting enjoyment Is a positive thing.  Some don’t get that at all, even after years.  My only 'enjoyment' are brief respites from pain, not the old things like hugging Steve (and people in general), chocolate, laughing at the dogs.  Stuff that made life worth living.  

I know being at almost 5 months, you are in the the thick of intense grief.  Everything you are feeling is real and valid.  I don’t think there can be anyone in your family that would understand and that’s hard to not have.  You’ve had little time yet to deal with the changes.  We do become ghosts to the world.  It’s so so painful and made worse hearing over and over again it’s normal.  That words definition has so drastically changed.  I hate when people use it now.  Normal used to mean right, now it means pain.  

Keep getting it out.  That’s the best we can do.

[nashreed]

Thanks. Her doctor shed light on a different angle that I knew about- but it made it just another confusing layer.  So many things about that night don't make any sense. 

I absolutely have no fear of death, just pain.  I'd love to go in my sleep.  I just want to be with her. I know she's in a good place. 

I often feel guilty that I'm not bed crying my eyes out. I had a few short crying bursts early on. Is it because I didn't love her enough?  I think I'm just emotionally distanced.  I was totally different with my wife. Here, with my family, who aren't affectionate or wanting to talk about anything deeper than Dancing With The Stars, I've reverted back to being emotionless.  I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Your signature quote makes me wonder if I didn't love her enough, although I am certainly miserable.

I just wish I had somebody real, face to face, to talk to about all this. Even her father, who lives here in town, isn't really willing to go into anything deep. He's religious and is just all about "She's in Heaven with Jesus and it's God's will" etc. So, yeah, it's a lonely, lonely time. At least venting here helps. Thanks. Even though I don't know you all personally, it helps to have a forum.

[widow'15]

30 minutes ago, nashreed said:

So, yeah, it's a lonely, lonely time. At least venting here helps. Thanks. Even though I don't know you all personally, it helps to have a forum.....

Yes, nashreed this forum is perfect for us share our "vents", no matter where we are in this grief.  This forum is a safe place to come to when we need to share or when we just need to read how others are functioning through our pain.  Stay with us as often as you can, you are not alone.  Keeping you in my thoughts.  Dee

[Kieron]

53 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Here, with my family, who aren't affectionate or wanting to talk about anything deeper than Dancing With The Stars, I've reverted back to being emotionless. 

Sometimes when we are in an unsafe or unsupportive environment, we take on protective coloration, so to speak.  Also, remember that grief is different in men compared to women, and you might well still be in a lingering state of shock or numbness, maybe?  As we say around here, be gentle with yourself at this time.

[Gwenivere]

I agree with Kieron about not being in a supportive environment.  I’m glad I was alone if that was my only other option.  I had lots of his friends contacting me at first and then they faded away.  I lost all my own support system one by one til they were all gone.  That’s when I felt the devastation of being isolated.  The only people that I can truly talk to are people I pay.  But they are caring and keep me kind of sane.  

If you read both Kieron's and my quotes, I know you will see in your heart you feel the same.  I think there is a commonality in grief for both genders.  But there are differences.  I saw how Steve handled losses differently than I did.  Tending to hold things inside often to his detriment.  Then it would explode.  Sometimes he would hide in substances and that didn’t work either.  It was more his choice of trusted people to talk to or his music that really helped.  Not being a guy, I can’t even offer a suggestion beyond keep getting it out.  

Its hard to say about Annette’s father.  He has lost a daughter and losing a child is devastating as that goes against natural law.  With him not wanting to talk with you, I’d guess he struggling with this maybe more than you know.  If there is one thing I have seen, this really challenges religious beliefs.  People can feel betrayed by their source of comfort at first.  There are others here more experienced with that.  

You have to look inside yourself to see how much you loved Annette.  Reread your posts.  It’s very obvious.  I have no doubts of your love for her and how deep it is.  Don’t doubt yourself.  Don’t doubt love.  It’s the strongest force there is.  That’s why it hurts so much to have it ripped from us.  As I discovered years ago and still feel today, it’s hell to be in love alone.  

[kayc]

18 hours ago, nashreed said:

"She's in Heaven with Jesus and it's God's will"

  I hope this brings you some comfort that what you are feeling is shared by the rest of us! http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html

I am not sure that the doctor muddying the waters is helpful, for myself I don't think anything I was told by them helped, quite the opposite...we already go through all of the "if onlys" and that does little good either.

I'm not at all afraid to die, the next world is something I look forward to, getting to be with George and other ones I'm missing (including my dog, Arlie).  Not sure I'd have the will to live if not for Kodie, the puppy my son brought me before Christmas.  I'm sure that factored into his thinking when he went looking for one for me!  Esp. with COVID, etc.  What a year.

I do cherish that we had our time together even though all too short, because it is the only time I've ever been loved by a man, we were true soulmates and best friends, our connection was amazing!  So glad I have that even though it came to an abrupt interruption of our lives together.  Remember, our love continues even though separated by that veil between this world and the next.  I know, I've often felt I wanted "someone with skin on," like the story here:

"A little boy reached that terrifying time of day when his mother would turn out the lights in his room and leave him for the night. Afraid of the dark and of being by himself he cried out for his mother to stay. Being a woman of faith, she reassured her son that God would be with him through the night. 'But, Mama,' he cried, 'I need God with skin on!' "

 

[nashreed]

I totally understand- it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. But, at the same time, it sometimes seems like it never happened. She was not only the love of my life but my best friend. Our love was also dependence and to not have any of it is so, so sad.  

I guess it's a "man" thing that I have been thinking of "I wonder if another relationship is possible" so soon. I absolutely know that it's crazy to even consider. Not only is it a bad time to search for love in a pandemic, but I have nothing to offer but credit card debt, medical bills and a fat gut. It's just that I miss having a partner, a team mate so much.  It's really hard to still feel her love, but I have voicemails and I see her love in nature and I hope she can see me down here because I have all her favorite things displayed in my room as a tribute to her.