Annette

[Kieron]

I knew someone with hyperacusis, which is the clinical term for extreme sound sensitivity.  He had to go around wearing noise-canceling headphones all the time and would shush people who tried to talk to him, saying "You're too loud!"

James, I hope those resources prove to be helpful!

[nashreed]

Thanks. I knew there was a name for it, but didn't know what it was. I think it's gotten worse, just because of my loss and the stress of everything. All of my mental issues have free reign to run riot. Annette was able to calm me down and control them. I don't have that anymore. In my case, regular headphones playing tunes is just fine- although they get uncomfortable for long periods. I used to hate using them at all, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do to stay sane. I sometimes think I could be going insane, honestly. I talk to myself, but I'm talking to Annette, so someone would think I'm nuts. 

[nashreed]

Actually, looking online, I would have Misophonia. Hyperacusis sounds really bad, like loud sounds actually cause physical pain. No, that's not it- thankfully. I appreciate it, Kieron. It's good to know what I have to better deal with it. The more you know.... 

[Kieron]

Yes, it does cause physical pain, and glad it was helpful to narrow down what you're dealing with. 🙂 Sometimes naming the issue is enough to help us feel better about it, or feel like we have more control or agency over the situation.

[nashreed]

I've got enough mental illness where everybody gets a turn. Lately, I've been having terrible thoughts that somehow Annette was still alive when they cremated her. I mean, they check to make sure they're really dead before they cremate right? She had a partial denture that they didn't take out and so I found it with her ashes. I know it was her, but I just haven't dealt with it properly. I keep thinking that maybe she's still somewhere in Tulsa... That feeling has faded for the most part as the months have dragged by... but it still pops up once in a while.

[kayc]

Yes they check for life, before they even send to the crematory and then they double check.  They should have removed the partial, I got my husband's dentures back but I didn't keep him as he never liked having to wear them.

Your feelings about maybe they're still here are very common, it takes the longest time to fully realize they're gone because it's just so abhorrent to us. 

 

[nashreed]

And now I find myself being overprotective of my Mom, the same way I feel like I smothered Annette. My mom mentioned she felt like she might be getting a cold, and I started freaking out. I've been bugging her about her symptoms and she's getting annoyed with me. All I'm trying to do is be concerned and trying to advise her to take vitamins and maybe take a nap if she needs it, and she's not having it. She's very stubborn as well, and is not used to be anyone being concerned for her health, I guess. So, I feel like a jerk for just wanting her to not get sick. I can't win. 

[Gwenivere]

I wish you wouldn’t be so down on yourself when your trying to help.  All we can do is try.  Give yourself credit for caring.  That is a good thing.  💖

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, nashreed said:

She's very stubborn as well, and is not used to be anyone being concerned for her health, I guess. So, I feel like a jerk for just wanting her to not get sick. I can't win. 

I'm not sure of your Mother's age, but I am 79 and have some health issues, live alone, etc.  My daughter and I often get into it because she wants to make sure I am taking care of myself.  I am constantly telling her, please don't try to help unless I ask for the help.  Being stubborn is probably inbred in us "Mothers" and really is a good thing.  Just know you are a good son to notice she might need help.  Just thought I'd share my "old grouchy lady" opinion.  Please take it in a caring way.  Dee

[nashreed]

She's 84. She is very independent still and is in pretty good shape except for her back that acts up every so often and she is hard of hearing, and so she can't understand me half the time.

The thing is, she still does EVERYTHING for my brother- makes his food, picks up after him... It's a weird relationship, more like a husband thing (eww) and I wasn't here for the better part of 30 years, so now I'm navigating this weird dynamic with my over-protectiveness and his general indifference and selfishness. Ack.

[nashreed]

It's been almost 9 months now, and I still have a hard time ...not trying to get over Annette, but getting over the guilt. So many things that I didn't do...and I know that it doesn't matter anymore, but it matters to me. If guilt is the only connection I have to her, I still want that connection. What she said, what she thought...it still matters to me. What made her her means everything to me still. When she was hallucinating, she made me promise that she wasn't losing her mind, because she was scared of that. She had actually had a mild stroke when she was brought out of sedation too early when they botched her amputation. I promised her that, and I still want her to know that she never did lose her mind- it was just the medication. 

[kayc]

Try practicing giving yourself words of affirmation every day, over time it can help.  Tell yourself the positive things you did for her, the things she loved about you, your good things, strengths.  It's important to not only focus on negatives about ourselves but positives as well...we all possess some of both!

[nashreed]

I was woken up last night by the profound realization of what my life is now- a waiting room.

When Annette would be admitted to the hospital or when she had a doctors appointment, I waited patiently until she was done or I was allowed to see her. This is what I'm doing now, waiting until I'm allowed to see her. I am perfectly fine with that. Good things can happen while waiting, but I am waiting. My heart is with her already- there is absolutely no one else. I am happy to wait until I am called to see her. It is my pleasure. 

I've also been greatly moved by this recent Country song by Carly Pearce called "Show Me Around"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lyrics

I heard you got a brand new place
Feels like at least a million miles away
I hope I get to meet you there someday
And we'll pick back up like no time passed
Yeah, I pray it happens like that

I bet you're up there right now makin' plans and writin' out
All your favorite places that you just can't wait to take us
And we'll get to spend forever talkin' 'bout whatever
When I get there, promise you'll track me down
And show me around

I heard that there's no growing old
And now you only walk down streets of gold
I've only read about what you've seen, what you know
And I'm still here missin' you
Oh, I wonder what you're gettin' into

I bet you're up there right now makin' plans and writin' out
All your favorite places that you just can't wait to take us
And we'll get to spend forever talkin' 'bout whatever
When I get there, promise you'll track me down
And show me around

I hate how much that losin' you hurts (how much that losin' you hurts)
I hope you know you left your mark on this world
And I swear that I'd give anything on this Earth
To see your face
But for now, I'll wait

I bet you're up there right now makin' plans and writin' out
All your favorite places that you just can't wait to take us
And we'll get to spend forever talkin' 'bout whatever
When I get there, promise you'll track me down
And show me around
And show me around

I heard you got a brand new place

[nashreed]

The one year mark in May is fast approaching (it's actually rather slowly approaching). It's like a dark cloud that's claustrophobic and fills me with dread and making everything come back- the emotions and feelings that are still raw, that still hurt.

I  was trying to think of what I could do during this time to celebrate Annette's life, so on May 16 I'm going to take her to the beach. I haven't been to Oceanside in decades- certainly not since coming back to California. I want to just enjoy a Sunday morning with her. She loved the beach and I'd love to leave some of her ashes there so she can be a part of the sand. I need to take back May 16 and make it a tribute to my beautiful angel. It gives me something to actually look forward to (although I'm not a huge fan of driving, so I kind of dread it).

Hopefully, this is what she would want me to do.

[Gwenivere]

You knew Annette better than anyone.  I think in your heart, the fact you thought of going to the ocean, says you know she would approve.  It’s a lovely thing to do.  There’s something about beaches and how they can make you feel a part of something.  Some people have told me they feel humbled and feel insignificant by the sheer size of them and the ocean.  I always felt the opposite.  That even tho I was so small in the scheme of things, I mattered.  It was grief that stole that feeling from me.  

[nashreed]

A month or so after I got to California, I spread some of her ashes (with her Dad) at a local mountain location that she had said she wanted to be spread at. We seemed to spread a lot, but I still have a lot left over. I feel bad about that, like I'm being selfish keeping so much. She also wanted to be spread over the ocean, but in California you're not really supposed to do that. I would like to find a nice place to make her part of the beach, but I will have to wing it. The whole idea just kind of came to me. I need to do it alone, and I thought that I would take what was a day that I'm absolutely dreading and make it at least something that though I'm not necessarily looking forward to (driving stresses me out), it's something I can do without worrying about COVID restrictions (hopefully on a Sunday morning it won't be busy). 

I'm trying here! I realize that I can't live being so miserable. I know I don't have any hope of another relationship or anything resembling what I had with her- that's what makes it so hard, as I know you all understand. I went from being needed and loved to being lost and unloved (well, my Mom loves me because she birthed me- it's not like she tells me, but she tolerates me, so that's the most I can expect).

[Kieron]

I like your idea of making her part of the beach.  i know from experience how fine the ashes are.  They will blend very well with the more coarse grains of sand, and no one ever need know but you when and where you do it.

When I took Mark's ashes north to a place we went to every July, I was dreading it the whole way there.  I expected I would fall apart when it came time to do it.  I expected it to be impossible.  It was solemn and sad, of course, but it wasn't nearly as impossible as I feared.  I will say this: the place where I spread them was around a tree that had been planted in his name.  So the tree will, over time, gather up some of him and incorporate it into itself.  And when I did the act, a small butterfly was darting here and there, along the ground, and paused on the spot to fan its wings, and then fluttered away.  I didn't manage to get a photo of it but I looked up its markings later on.  It's a common North American butterfly known as Polygonia interrogationis, or the Question Mark.  🥰

[kayc]

22 hours ago, nashreed said:

The one year mark in May is fast approaching (it's actually rather slowly approaching). It's like a dark cloud that's claustrophobic and fills me with dread and making everything come back- the emotions and feelings that are still raw, that still hurt.

I  was trying to think of what I could do during this time to celebrate Annette's life, so on May 16 I'm going to take her to the beach. I haven't been to Oceanside in decades- certainly not since coming back to California. I want to just enjoy a Sunday morning with her. She loved the beach and I'd love to leave some of her ashes there so she can be a part of the sand. I need to take back May 16 and make it a tribute to my beautiful angel. It gives me something to actually look forward to (although I'm not a huge fan of driving, so I kind of dread it).

Hopefully, this is what she would want me to do.

Oh nashreed, this is wonderful and I think she'd love it!  We, too, loved the ocean/beach, I wasn't up to going back the first few years (where we honeymooned and celebrated our anniversaries) but made reservations for Arlie and I to go stay in the same room there in 2013 when I was suddenly/unexpectedly out of a job, no warning.  I didn't get paid for 13 1/2 months, found out the same week I needed a new roof, so had to cancel.  Never did get to take Arlie there except a short day trip to a different part of the coast.    Now they're both gone.  When at last I tried to go...I learned they'd torn the place down.  I'll never have that opportunity again.  So sad as that was a place that was so special to us, the room was upstairs, had a view overlooking south, west, and east (I'm on the west coast) and could even sleep on the west side, it also had a balcony with a great view.  Sigh.

I pray you have a wonderful trip, I know it'll be emotional, but I think it helps to have a plan in place for these events.

[nashreed]

Thanks! Even though I don't like driving very much (my anxiety goes through the roof), I drove from Tulsa to Southern California in two days, because I had to. This little trip will be because I want to. It should only take an hour.

I feel such guilt that I have hung onto a large amount of her ashes for so long, selfishly. I did promise some of her ashes to her sister- that if she can ever make it out here to visit that she should have some to scatter. So, I really am amazed that I had the idea to do this, when I was really dreading the whole month. I can just think of this as a trip for the two of us. There's still things I'm dreading about May. I have her last voicemail, that she left me on the evening before, that I haven't listened to since that day. I will have to listen to it on the 15th. Just the thought that it was recorded a few hours before is devastating to me, but I have to face it.

[Gwenivere]

After 5 years, I put Steve’s ashes into the tree bed that is in our deck.  We planted a tree years before the deck for our fathers and called it John Joseph.  We put part of their ashes there.  I had offered some to his brother but he didn’t want them even tho they met up with their deceased sisters son to scatter hers in California.  I’ll never figure that out, leaving out his brother.  There were so many special places, but I decided to nourish this special tree that started so small and is now so big I need the landscapers to trim and yearly remove the dead leaves.  This was when my back was still working and I could work them into the ground and water them in.  I don’t even think about it now.  It was a relief to free the remains from a plastic bag and box.

when I lost Ally, our last dog together, last year, I put her there too.  We have a bush with all the other dogs, but I can’t get to it thru the rockery so she is with her dad.

His ashes really didn’t mean much to me but pain.  A reminder he could never be here again as his body really is no more.  I’m still struggling about Ally as she is still recent and I miss hugging her and feeling her fur and cold nose.  But I didn’t want her in a box either.  Odd thing was hers came n a beautiful wood box and his were in a cheap plastic one.  

Anyway, this just shows how different we all are.  The tangibles around me elicit memories, but it is the sight, sound, smell and touch of them that cripple me most.  It’s feels odd when I use his keys if I drive his van, much less being in the van as the driver, but it’s really all mental for me.  I see his things and it hurts, but nothing like the images of their being used.  I still need the tangibles.  I’ve tried moving some things and it was so unsettling I had to put them back.  Basically all his stuff is where it was.  Down to his placemat where I eat every day.  Alone.  😢

 

[nashreed]

One thing that was really hard was moving from our house that she really loved. Even though it was a rental, we would have stayed there. So I had to decide what was most important to her and put them in my little childhood bedroom and try to make that "home". I have her clothes in the closet and mine are just laying on a chair. She really wasn't into possessions, but she had a special teddy bear, for example. I keep odd things, like her pill organizer, that is still filled with the weeks pills she never got to take. 

She really doesn't like the area of California we grew up in- too much desert. She only liked the ocean and mountains, so that dictates where I can put her. 

[kayc]

I held onto George's ashes a couple of years before I figured out what to do with them, they are at a tree in our backyard, where Lucky  and King George (cat) are buried, and nearby are Skye, Arlie, and Kitty.  Never found Miss Mocha's remains but placed a memorial stone for her too, along with the others.  My kids call it the "family burial plot."  It's where I want mine scattered.  I doubt they'll hang onto this place, too much upkeep & expense from where they live but will sell it and there goes the plot.  Oh well, ashes once scattered aren't there for long and they blend with the earth in the wind.  Once buried, I don't think anyone would dig them up, not sure what'll happen to the headstones after I'm gone.  Maybe my son will take them to his place, but who knows.

I think she will like that, nashreed.  George was happiest here, is why this is what I decided on.  He had high anxiety everywhere but home.

 

 

[nashreed]

I'm just glad that I know it's okay to wait a year before spreading her ashes. Some of them have been spread in one location, but I still have a lot. I don't want her to be upset with me. 

I actually had a dream where she was in it- which is rare. I was finally able to go back to Tulsa to see her. She was doing coloring books, like my Mom does during Lent, but because she was legally blind she would color way outside the lines and make them into something completely different. I wonder what that means that she was doing something my Mom does? 

[Gwenivere]

 I never gave any thought to what will happen to my remains.  Hmmmm.  The best place for them would be with Steve.  Guess I better put that in writing and tuck it in the directives.  Going home to NM appeals too.  Guess I could be in 2 places at once, not like I’d be aware of it anyway.  

Don’t know what to make of your dream, James.  Can’t even figure out mine.  I just know the brain likes to put together various stuff in the oddest ways.  I can sometimes get more of an emotional feel of where I am from the visuals., as they rarely make sense in a waking state.  It s obvious seeing your mom doing something Annette did would trigger something, how did it make you feel?

 

[nashreed]

Did I make it un-clear? It's my Mom who colors right now (because she has to "give up" reading for Lent), and Annette was doing it in my dream. It was just nice that she was actually part of my dream last night. I was feeling so lousy, like didn't matter in my life because I barely dream of her. I always seem to dream about work (I was a manager at a CD store for years, but not near as long as I was with Annette). It's always busy and hectic, but I used to love working in a music store to have music playing all the time, and I always liked checking in shipments- the fun part- and not dealing with customers. Lately, I am aware in my dream that I should be wearing a mask, so my present has invaded my "past". There's a few dreams where I actually was dating another girl, and that made me sad when I woke up.