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You'd have to see a psychiatrist to get a documented diagnosis.  But I think a therapist could also do that.  Sometimes having a label helps.  Validity.  I know I needed it for anxiety meds.  If it didn’t require meds, I wouldn’t have bothered with a shrink.  It all depends on what you feel you need to know relating to your situation.

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One year out is still early on - really. Talking with another widow at the store (a stranger, she was just very outgoing) when I said I'd lost my husband 18 months before, she said, "It gets easier." 

In Western society, we have abandoned some customs surrounding death - all the better to pretend it doesn't happen at all, I guess. You probably haven't worn a black armband. I didn't spend a year in black clothes, or gray, with a veil over my face. Last time I saw a black armband on anybody, McGovern had lost the presidential election to Nixon. We've lost those rituals, and in addition, society has become a lot less civil.

If you haven't participated in any kind of group setting for those who have lost partners, that might be a start. Many are lead and moderated by someone with experience in grief counseling. That person could direct you toward more in depth assistance.

I suspect most people feel alternately guilty and irritable for months after losing a partner. Guilty for all the things we should have/could have done better, and irritable for the world at not recognizing how miserable we are and not at least asking if we need help. 

 

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I was engaged to someone for a year who had Asperger's, I didn't have a problem with it, once I knew of his diagnosis, it helped me understand him better.  He is definitely capable of loving.  With him it affected him in that he focused on one thing at a time to the exclusion of everything else, gave 100% to what he was involved with, could be obsessive, such as in hobbies, things he liked to do...computers, K-pop (ugh), whether working around the house or watching t.v. obsessively.  He graduated from art school and owned a printing business (t-shirts, wraps for cars, etc.), was very artistic.  I actually went to school with him in junior high, he was two years younger than me.  A very devoted family member, friend, neighbor.  He had a hard time with confrontation and could come off insensitive as he didn't always mince words, wasn't much at social graces, had anxiety, awkwardness socially.  But once I understood about his strengths and limitations, I didn't expect different from him and could laugh it off if he sounded...tactless.  I was okay with it, I knew where he was coming from and he always meant well.  I stayed friends with him after the break up because I considered him valuable enough as a person to do so, and no longer having expectation of anything else with him it helped considerably.  He now has his XW living with him and she seems to consider me a friend as well.  A bit unusual but...

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On 5/2/2021 at 2:38 PM, nashreed said:

Any tips to survive are appreciated. I am really just irrittable and sad and everything is making me upset. There's a dog that's barking that is really making me nuts (when I have to remove my headphones). 

I thought of you when I read this today, James. Just sharing in case it might help: Sensory Overload Guide

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Thanks Marty. I was pretty proud of myself yesterday. It seemed every kid in the neighborhood was at the neighbor brats driveway pool, and I wanted nothing more to go out there and scream at them to shut up. But, I gritted my teeth and let it ride until they left. 

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GOOD article, Marty!  I have GAD and although I wouldn't say I have sensory overload with sights/sounds, can relate to how stress affects me.  I've been practicing mindfulness/prayer/meditation and it's helping me lower my hypertension!  Now if only I could get my blood sugar to cooperate as easily...was in mid 90s before this year, this morning 127 even though I do intermittent fasting (eat within six hour period of day from noon to 6) walks 2-3 times day, stay well under 20 carbs/day.  I'm doing everything I know to do and have no clue why it's elevating, when it was managed last year just fine!  Makes me think it's related to whatever is causing my tongue/throat issue as it started then and it's a mystery, I do know illness/stress affects blood sugar as well as hypertension.  I don't mind living stringent to manage these things but it's frustrating when you do everything you know to do to no avail!

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1 minute ago, kayc said:

I've been practicing mindfulness/prayer/meditation and it's helping me lower my hypertension!

Good for you, Kay! No one knows your body and what works for you as well as you do, and I admire your efforts!

You and others reading this may find this article helpful: Meditation: Helpful to Those Who Grieve

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Well, today I went to the beach here in Oceanside, CA, to honor Annette, celebrate her life and spread some ashes at various points along the way. It was a grey day, but it was nice- beautiful waves and not too many people in the 7 o'clock hour. IMG_20210514_070004_1.thumb.jpg.3d3a3e4743c294a32c91c0e037d34eed.jpg

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These are Annette's ashes before they became part of the Pacific. Technically, you're not supposed to scatter them in the actual ocean, but they found their way. I also left some on the actual beach, between where the tide ends and where they flatten the sand for vehicles and walkers. We sat for a little and just enjoyed the beach. 

IMG_20210514_072559_2.jpg

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I went up on the pier with the fishermen and tourists. It started to get crowded with surfers and dog walkers and homeless people on the beach, but I spent two hours there with Annette. She would be happy with the morning. 

IMG_20210514_082528_3.jpg

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7 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

It is beautiful, James.  In a way you set her free.  I never understood keeping ashes.  It’s like being locked in another bad vessel when their body was a trap too.  

Well, I still have a third of them. (There were a lot) I am too selfish to give all of them "away". And then I have some that are for her sister. She has a right to some of them if she's ever able to come out. 

So some were scattered in the local mountains here and now some at the closest beach. Maybe in a couple of May's I will let the rest of them go. But I find comfort in them. I don't think she would mind. I have never felt any indication that she is unhappy with my keeping them. 

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It took me a few years to release Steve.  Mostly because I forgot about them.  Honestly.  It wasn’t him to me.  It was when I was putting our last together dogs out I went, hey!  This would be perfect for them all to be together.  Different strokes. 

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I'm sure she'd love the setting you chose, James, it's beautiful, peaceful.

 

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The last few days after the first year mark have been the darkest I've had since it happened. I would ask if this is "normal", but every journey is different. 

It's hard to reconcile that my life is probably destined to be sad and lonely. I hate being "single". It is miserable and a pointless existence to me. How do you get used to being a one person team member? I hate that I think about another companion, but what can I do but have hope for a miracle. I hate the thought that I'm just waiting to die. 

If there's nothing to look forward to, there's no point in going on. 

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Anything you’re feeling is normal, James.  And yes, I not only remember it well about no point to go on,  I still feel it every time I wake up.  Sometimes even before.      I don’t want to be single, but I only want him.  

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