Annette

[kayc]

19 hours ago, nashreed said:

If there's nothing to look forward to, there's no point in going on. 

The thing is, we can't predict the future, we THINK we know, but we don't, so hold on to the glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, things will look a little better someday.  I think where it gets really tough is when medical issues play us a super tough hand, old age is NOT the golden years they told us about!  No trips to the Bahamas, just struggle and pain.  But STILL I hope!  I guess while there's breath...

[Gwenivere]

The thing is I don’t know what to hope for.  As you said, as the years pass it takes a physical toll and I don’t have any people to balance that out with, which I see is a factor for many.  I also don’t have my former interests available. More things keep going wrong that increases the challenge so I wonder when I’ll find I just haven’t the will to keep trying.  I get a fair amount of things done or fixed, but I don’t feel anything anymore.  It’s not shared so it feels inconsequential.   This is combined with how I do so little that was being a couple like cooking snd shopping, dividing chores, etc.  I don’t even feel like I’m doing them for me.  Mostly it’s because if I don’t I’ll have a mess.  Not at all the way I approached life before.  I really wish I could wake up feeling there was something waiting for me that I looked forward to.

[nashreed]

That's the dream isn't it, Gwen?  I don't want an empty, loveless future. Some part of me is saying "I'm not a horrible person- I don't deserve to be alone the rest of my life. Somebody must want to be with this mess of a person that I am". It's not that I love Annette any less- I love her as much as ever. But she's not on this earth. Until I can be with her, I want to have someone in my life. 

Does that make me a hopeless romantic? I just want female companionship. I've never been a guy's guy- a bro. That's why I don't know how to be a friend to a guy. I can't really say I'm looking forward to meeting up with him. I don't know how to talk about sports. Do I pretend to have an interest? Ack! 

I'm so sorry that I can't help with the struggle. I feel the same way. I suppose if I was rich, I could do whatever I wanted, and pay friends to like me and share my interests.

[Gwenivere]

I’ve been living a loveless life for so many years.  I know how horrible it feels.  A couple people love me, but not like we are talking about.  
 

I believe what the Beatles said......money can’t buy me love.  I don’t know if you were being serious.  I don’t think you were.

we all want someone in our life.  I’ve only known 2 true hermits that did fine.  The complicated part is the right people.  We don’t have access to the billions of people out there.  We aren’t alone because we are horrible either.  I don’t know about fate, but I was in the right place at the right time to meet Steve.  Happened that way in other relationships too.  Happenstance.  Can’t make it occur.  We can try things to be around people, but it’s no guarantee.  I loved the nursing home for that.  I met so many wonderful people.  Staff and residents.  Having covid shut that down brought another grief to live with for over a year now.  I knew if I lost that it would leave a huge emptiness and I was right.

We are open to love.  It’s a gem to find.  We can’t make it happen.  If we could, this world would be a much more civilized place.  It’s the people that don’t know that inner peace that create the problems that hurt so many others, IMO.   Wars, inhumanity and so much suffering.  It’s hard to want to give and get that, but we can’t magically make it happen.
 

 

[kayc]

James, I think it's natural for a guy to want someone in his life.  The bible says it's not good for man to be alone.  Honestly I think that applies to most of us.  We hate being alone, no one caring, no one to talk over our day with, cuddle with, do things for, MATTER!  I've had 16 years of aloneness, it gets old.  But I don't meet anyone and am NOT into online dating, I just never liked dating.  Too much work, weeding out, kissing frogs, ugh.  I do have contact with my neighbors and they're great, but no real friends in my life except one who is clear across the country.  I've always been close to my sister but her dementia is worsening, making it more challenging rather than enjoyable.  Ahh well, you stick it out through it all.

I hope you do run across someone.  What a difference it'd make to you and your life!  We never "replace" that soul mate we had, never, but I look at it like if there is something to be gleaned with another relationship, why not?  We're alone, trust me, I know all too well.

[Gwenivere]

I wonder how people run into someone new now.  At my age, people do things like community center activities of which I have no interest.  Churches are sources.  Some volunteer choices would work too.  work was the easiest for both friends and partners.  I worked in the field so had access to people at many varied businesses. There were also other friends that led to connections.  Younger years never seemed to lack for sources of people.  
 

I know I’ll not have another relationship that is romantic.  But a really trusted local friend would be nice.  I have one but he lives so far south and is very busy.  I know a few people closer but it’s not deep.  It’s like Kay says, not feeling like you really matter.  They’re nice people and will help me if possible, but they don’t call  or stop by.  I’ve tried calling them and their usually busy.  Only know for sure I’m going to see them at the church for meals.  Another our weekly zoom call.  It’s affecting my natural socializing self.  I can’t even blame covid for this.  It’s aging, limits and once close people disappearing for various reasons.  
 

some turn to technology to find matches for whatever.  I’m not going to do that.  Don’t have the energy nor desire which is odd as this being alone is definitely killing me slowly.  It also doesn’t remove my restrictions or overcome my lack of desire.  The nursing home was my perfect fit.  The perfect balance for me.  A 26 year relationship gone.  I mourn it all the time now.  

[nashreed]

Yeah, I hold out zero hope of finding someone here in town. It's not exactly The Hills. Everybody's taken. I could never do online dating. This mug is getting zero "likes". I mean, I know I'm not supposed to be down on myself, but dang: "No job, on disability, lives with mother, has no assets (except a beautiful 2010 Saturn Ion) And the only people who would understand me are widows anyway. Annette would be sad that I'm so lost and sad. I hate letting her down. 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

I wouldn’t even try an internet service if I were looking.  It’s not a trust thing so much as too alien for my tastes.  That the world has grown so far apart for making connections is sad to me.  Even young people use that.  What happened to natural seeing people when there were no computers?  It’s almost lazy to me.  Like everything being delivery optional too.  Granted,I am elderly now, but I always got out there when I was mobile.  My last biggie was the dog park where I met lots of people.  We became a solid group that socialized outside of there too.  Last time I went all my friends were gone (many dogs gone from age).  People had changed a well, wasn’t as friendly.  That was a big loss.  Then I couldn’t do it anymore.  More time just means more loss to me now.  

[kayc]

16 hours ago, nashreed said:

Yeah, I hold out zero hope of finding someone here in town. It's not exactly The Hills. Everybody's taken. I could never do online dating. This mug is getting zero "likes". I mean, I know I'm not supposed to be down on myself, but dang: "No job, on disability, lives with mother, has no assets (except a beautiful 2010 Saturn Ion) And the only people who would understand me are widows anyway. Annette would be sad that I'm so lost and sad. I hate letting her down. 

 

 

You might get some social connection through a grief group or widower's support group, and don't discount your "mug."  When we were young we went for looks and as we've grown and aged we realize what's important and that's not it!

[Gwenivere]

Boy, if looks counted now I’d be out too. I think I look ‘pleasant' now. Not the 'really pretty woman' I was.  Not my words, Steve’s and others.  Dragging oxygen around, hunched over, long hair grey and pinned up now.  Not exactly runway material. But I know if Steve were here I’d still be beautiful to him.  Just like he’d be handsome to me at almost 70.  He struggled with weight so I know he’d be rather large.  Our eyes see what really matters.  I know I’d be more motivated to wear different things.  I’ve kinda. Settled into a rotating small wardrobe since I don’t do much.  Live in lounge clothes at night from the moment I get home or after 6.  I see who I find appealing now and it’s personality and smiles.  Eyes, if someone is really seeing me draws me to them.  Conversations, even with strangers that are very friendly.  And I really like when people call me by name and especially don’t use MAAM!  

[nashreed]

 Gwen, Annette said that she always thought I had attractive eyes- brown and large. I think my lips are too big. I have a belly, after being so skinny when I was young. 

I think at this point, a kind heart and a pulse would be enough for me.

I'm stressed out about seeing my friend in a social setting tomorrow and want to bail. I don't know if I can pull off social anymore. I have so little practice talking now. I limit my talking to my family because my Mom has such a hard time hearing me, and my brother just annoys me so much. Everything he does pushes my buttons. I don't know why (well, because he is very annoying). I don't know that I can be "funny" or interesting. I've only had real human contact with him back in August. I'm still confused as to why he would even want to hang out with me. 

[Gwenivere]

I have a friend wanting to come over tomorrow too.  I don’t feel social at all snd in reality that’s what I really need.  I’m letting it become too easy to withdraw.  So I’m anxious about it, dreading it.  He wants to tackle some things that need to be done.   All things I should feel grateful for.  I’m letting this depression win.  I also see I am fighting a lot more than I ever have with less resources within myself.  I’m just not up for battle.  It’s sucked caring out of me.  But I keep going on tho I often wonder why if if I can do it again.  I guess I wish these little social things could fix the big things, but they don’t, never did.  They were a perk of living a happy life.  Now they’re things I do to try and feel connected.  I often find I am in the moment, but when they end I’m back in the gloom.  So I do them snd try not to let that overshadow it.  I already know that’s the outcome.  I try and appreciate the break but it’s always on my mind it will end.  
 

I hope it helps to try your social legs.  Just to find out people still like us.  I know if I do end too much time alone I question if I am likable anymore.  That isn’t a good thing as I know I’m a good and caring person.  I just wish I didn’t need so much caring, that it was more balanced.  

[kayc]

I came back from my son's last night, approaching dark, I had to carry everything in the house, build a fire, then Iris called and wanted me to bring Kodie down to play with Jazzy (it was 8 pm) so I left the fire on high and took him down there (gone 37 minutes).  We had a great time!  We sat out on their deck while the dogs played hard, both of them needed the exercise after sitting (Jazzy in her kennel, Kodie on the car ride home), Iris's husband lit their propane/lava rocks container and we sat around it warming ourselves with a cup of tea.  Just 1/2 hour with people I enjoy was so nice!  Came home and had to give Kodie a bath, he got muddy playing, fortunately he dries off quickly.  Today he is sleepy.  

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I know if I do end too much time alone I question if I am likable anymore.  That isn’t a good thing as I know I’m a good and caring person.

I know, right!  Yes, you are very caring, Gwen!  And very likable.   We are not our medical condition, we are not our limitations.  

[nashreed]

I have come to the realization that I can't pretend that I'm married anymore. For a year, I had this idea that I could still imagine that Annette was somewhere that I couldn't visit, but we were still a team- that I was still there for her. 

Yesterday, when I was eating lunch with my friend, his wife called and said she had fallen and possibly broken her arm. We had to rush out and I drove him home. I found out later that she had. She's going to be fine and just has a cast and all that, but that just really cemented home the fact- He is married and I'm not. I can't be any use to Annette in this life. Somehow, I imagined that if she really needed me, she could contact me. I guess this "broke the spell". 

I have to accept my fate. I feel like I think I'm "entitled" to happiness, because I had unconditional love and I was so used to it. Like a millionaire who loses all their stuff to the IRS, I have to accept this new life. I hate it. It sucks. But there are millions of people who have never had love like I have, who go through life like a zombie, just miserable and getting by. What right do I have to expect something good in my life to ever happen again? I guess it's back to my being fundamentally a selfish person. The world keeps turning and I'm just another sad person, coexisting among the lucky ones who have a wife that just broke their arm that they can have the privilege of taking care of. We should all be so lucky. 

 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I can't be any use to Annette in this life. Somehow, I imagined that if she really needed me, she could contact me. I guess this "broke the spell". 

That’s a hard reality to face.  Especially for us that were care givers for a long time. It hits each of us in different ways.  I know I felt I had lost a very big job (that I never wanted because of what it meant), but for a short time there was relief.  That would have remained if he beat it.  When it ended I was doubly adrift.  Him and my huge purpose both gone.  
 

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

What right do I have to expect something good in my life to ever happen again?

I never had that feeling.  At least not in that phrasing.  I didn’t look for happiness for a long time.  When I did I found it was so drastically changed.  Limited.  Had it volunteering.  Occasionally socializing with people still using the music studio, visits to a buddy's house with the dogs on a summer afternoon.  When those started falling away so did any semblance of happy.  I got angry then depressed.  I deserved to be happy.  Just like everyone does.  It’s not right to be denied that.  But it’s a reality for many of us.  I still feel I deserve it.  So much I want to give and share.  What’s hard to accept is there's no way to do it in my world.  And lord, have I been given countless unsolicited suggestions that make me want to punch the person.  No one can grasp another’s full feelings.   I know some view me as resistant and it’s not true.  They’ve never been in this side of the fence in my circumstances medically and mentally.  I don’t want to be so empty.  I’m pissed off that I can’t even try new stuff because I can’t function without pain.  I do see a part of their old me is still very much alive when I do have interaction.  I absorb like  a sponge.  There’s just never enough.  Didn’t expect there to be being a widow.  Just some kind of life that feels worth living would be great.  But I’m still hating to wake up.  Don’t know if I’ll ever get there.  My fantasy is how I would feel and what I’d be doing if I didn’t need back surgery.  That is my heaviest weight right now.

[nashreed]

Well, I'm not sure I was quite clear in my phrasing there. I HAD happiness, I had a wonderful, supportive wife and so many people don't ever have that. I was blessed once. It's selfish to want that again.

I do and don't feel like I can be a useful member of society. My friend suggested, "Well, since you have retail manager experience, I know that Game Stop is hiring managers". Well, I don't know jack squat about modern video game systems, my manager experience is from 15 years ago or more and I could have done it before I had what was essentially a nervous breakdown ten years ago. I assume people think I'm just lazy that I don't want to work. I did work when Annette no longer could, but even over the phone (I worked in a call center), if there was any kind of conflict or negativity with a customer, I would really have a difficult time. I'm one of those people, where if my shift starts at 5 and I have a bad customer at 5:15, my whole night is ruined, I can't get past it. The only way I could work is those hourly buzzes in my pocket, knowing that Annette was leaving me a message- a little song or something from her night, that I had to look forward to. I'm terrified I don't have that now. Again, my friend really can't understand (and doesn't want to) what its like to have had a loss like mine. 

[kayc]

Your friend is wanting to be helpful but you're right, it's not, especially for the reasons stated, yet none of us owe any other an explanation.  Perhaps a job opportunity will open up for you, but that's for you to realize or know, no one else can.

About expecting happiness, I don't think I expect it but keep my eyes peeled for any measure of it, I wouldn't want to miss it should it present itself.  I don't think it has anything to do with expectation or deservedness, it seems to come to some and evade others, it's weird.  I have a degree of it in this peaceful place with my puppy and good neighbors around me.  Is it enough?  Who can answer that?  I can't compare to what was, I know that.

[nashreed]

Wow, good neighbors. I can't even imagine. The only time its quiet around here is early in the morning. There's always someone building something. Little tiny mobile home yards and people fill them chock full of crap. It's a never ending project of adding more chaos to their yards. In the afternoon, there's always screaming kids making noise. When I was a kid, this park was quiet- you couldn't scream and do whatever you wanted. It was more elderly people with some families. And of course, there's often somebody blasting Mexican music during the day and late into the night. People nowadays have no consideration for others. I used to be the one getting complaints about my music being loud in the 80's. It's sad to see my childhood neighborhood become so trashy and loud. 

[kayc]

To me, the sound of kids squealing, having fun, is a WONDERFUL sound and I happily hear it in the background!  Not always 100% quiet but to me, very peaceful.  I don't even mind the dogs barking...IN THE DAYTIME!  I hate them keeping me awake or waking me up at night!

I'm sorry you have that to live with esp. with your sensory issues.

[nashreed]

Well, it just seems to be very inconsiderate. I know I couldn't yell at scream up and down the street when I was a kid. This one girl seems to have to scream as a reaction to everything, like are you happy or being killed? I don't understand. 

[kayc]

It sounds like the noises you're hearing are not happy squeals but flat out obnoxious.  Have you talked to their parents?  Probably wouldn't do any good as guess who's training them, but it can't hurt to try.  Sometimes parents are oblivious of how it sounds to others as they've grown used to it and tune it out.  

[nashreed]

Well, when I first moved here and my emotions were raw, I did scream at the kids, like you're screaming, so literally I'm going to scream back at you. I got the typical brat response "I'm telling", but I never heard anything about it. I figure, since I blast music every evening and haven't gotten complaints, that I just need to block it out and deal with it. It doesn't make me happy though. It doesn't bother my family, so its just me that can't stand it.

[nashreed]

It hurts me to say it, but I really feel like my marriage is over.

I had to stop feeling the guilt that I had, for so many reasons, because I have to live with myself day to day. I think the guilt was the last thing that really connected me to her, but I just had to let it go. It's not that I stopped caring, but it is. Now I just feel like I'm estranged from her- divorced. The stuff I have of hers won in a custody battle. 

Maybe JimJim has it right, though if I were to buy stuff for Annette now, she would be pissed. But I never dream of her. I feel like she's mad at me, although I know she wouldn't be. Maybe she wants me to be free of her, even have another relationship unlikely as that is). She always felt like a burden, a hindrance, 

I have something to look forward to every day now. I don't know what it means, but its something that makes me happy. It's a friendship and I so needed somebody that understands me again. It's like an inmate getting a penpal. I've been a prisoner of my grief, and at least now I have hope. 

Annette and I will be together when I die. But until then, I need to be me- for better or worse- and try to live.

 

[kayc]

[razorclam]

So happy for you.