Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Recommended Posts

On 6/10/2021 at 8:13 AM, nashreed said:

But I never dream of her. I feel like she's mad at me, although I know she wouldn't be.

I rarely dream of George, although he was my life!  Who knows why, I don't take it this way though.  I'm not a dream expert, maybe I just sleep so deep I don't remember them!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Funny- I just had a dream that I only remember bits of. The frustrating thing is, Annette was there- but she was a combination of her and a high school crush, and she was only around 12. I feel like if I could decode what I dreamt, I would know the answer to my life. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My understanding of dreams from my studies in psych and lots of articles I’ve read is there really is no making sense of the visuals.  If anything it more the feelings that we can pay heed to.  Our brains just willy nilly grab images from memory and maybe what we added from the previous day.  I found more luck in what they made me feel.  Tho there have been times my mind has drudged up something with no trigger to do it I’m aware of.  Those are hard because they make me think of times I didn’t want to go to.  I.can count on drifting dreams before waking up of dread daily because I know it’s going to be a long, emotionally dead or intense day, maybe projects I don’t care about to tackle or there is absolutely nothing for me to do.  They all are the same in terms of not wanting to be here.  
 

I’ve been searching for an answer to my life for years now.  It still eludes me and even more so the past few months.  I know this is because of more losses mounting up big or small.  My dentist retiring, my doc changing his availability, the virtual support group changing venue and going to end in July, losing our answering machine message (tho our buddy sent me a copy, but no one hears it when they call now).  My not being able to do as much physically.  The pandemic and how it turned everything upside down regarding socializing.  The latest Time mag cover read We Will Never Be The Same. It’s the younger people that will adapt better.  Tho they were/are affected too by not being with friends during essential development ages.  But I feel those of us older were especially hard hit.  We have a history of losses and faced more while younger people have the time and energy to adapt.  
 

But as for answers about my life?  It ended in so many ways years ago and I have found nothing remotely close to filling that void.  I did better in the beginning than I am now.  That is my struggle.  It’s not going like I heard.  I’m missing him more than ever.  Time has done me no favors on this.  I wish I were more flexible.  I think of moves so many of you made.  Adaptions.  I’ve been in situations that are out of my routine, but it’s a rare thing.  I don’t know how you all that have moved and made massive changes have done it.  I didn’t have to.  Parts of the house I don’t use, but they aren’t places I send time in much if at all.  I know so few people here, I can’t imagine what it would be like if I were someplace else.  
 

It always comes full circle.  I am uselessly yearning for something that is gone.  That will never come back and see a future of more of the same.   There isn’t one darned thing holding me here except Melody.  And even she would do better with her guardians as they would interact with her more.  Tho she, as dogs do, loves me despite how boring this is.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

But as for answers about my life?  It ended in so many ways years ago and I have found nothing remotely close to filling that void.  I did better in the beginning than I am now.  That is my struggle.  It’s not going like I heard.  I’m missing him more than ever.  Time has done me no favors on this.  I wish I were more flexible.  I think of moves so many of you made.  Adaptions.  I’ve been in situations that are out of my routine, but it’s a rare thing.  I don’t know how you all that have moved and made massive changes have done it.  I didn’t have to.  Parts of the house I don’t use, but they aren’t places I send time in much if at all.  I know so few people here, I can’t imagine what it would be like if I were someplace else.  

Gwen:  I'll respond to your paragraph, even though I am not totally moved.  I wish I would not have had to move but in my situation I felt I had no other choice.  I would have loved to stay put in the last home Bob and I worked on and loved for many reasons.  Like you, this move reminds me every minute how much I miss my husband and the life we had; the triggers are everywhere.  Each box I pack, each drawer I empty has a reminder of those years we were a happy couple.   As I get closer to the end of this trek, I ask God to please continue to give me the energy to keep going and not stop. 

I know I won't be able to fill the void of what I had, but maybe whatever happens after all is done, I hope I can settle into a quiet life with less to worry about.  Silly me...... we all know that doesn't always happen. 🤔  Dee

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I did better in the beginning than I am now.

It's been like that for me, lately.  I'm back to questioning whether to stay here or go somewhere else, especially when I remember it will be 5 years this coming March.  5 years, and sure I've done a lot around here, by myself or with help, or hired someone, but all the big things I want/wanted to do with the place feel pointless, now.  Why bother?  He's not here to see it, or deal with the inevitable contractors or handyman (I'd rather go to the dentist, quite honestly).

On top of this, he'd be 65 this September and I have lost count of all the Medicare "Advantage" Plan mailings he has gotten urging him to enroll in their plan.  Evidently they never got the memo that a) he's gone and b) he already had Medicare.  I learned these "Advantage" Plans are private, Medicare-approved companies that must follow rules set by Medicare.  What i can't figure out is why, if this is true, wouldn't they get notified of when Medicare recipients die?  All it does is re-open the wound, as far as I am concerned.  I called one to ask if they would just stop sending all these mailings, and the rep was nice about it but at the same time she tried to find out if I am Medicare-eligible, and did I want to sign up?  🙄  Always looking to make a buck, I guess.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fortunately Steve was not on Medicare for the reason you cited, Kieron.  I’m the one getting barraged by mailings when I already have a supplement.  You have to or it’s a very risky financial gamble.  Considering one is 65 anyway, you know things are going to go wrong.  Seems none of these companies have heard of each states agency that can set you up with a broker who is neutral.  
 

I think I’m passed the getting things in the mail and phone calls for him I think.  It’s been a long time.  
 

I feel the same about things in our house.  Don’t have any projects for changing it, but repairs are a pain by myself being tethered here in their windows of arrival and the things that would have been updated like streaming Steve would have handled because he had to have the latest and greatest.  Just don’t care by myself.  Too much work getting the right equipment.  I need a new PC and did it myself last time with the help of my BIL remotely.  I limp along with the old one as I can’t and don’t want to go shopping for one and sit thru the set up.  All my stuff is old like me.  Seems kinda fitting.  There was a time in the first couple years I took pride I did it myself.  That time has long gone.  It really reminds me of the roles we each played.  How balanced they were.  He kept the tech, repair and financial stuff going and I did the family stuff.  Quite traditional but I liked it.  
 

Babble alert!  I was a full time tech as a living way back when.  Tha was before all this internet stuff.  I quit when my job when it went to switching out equipment instead of actually fixing things.  People didn’t toss phones if they messed up, we opened them and repaired them.  Everything was landlines.  Computers were for big companies.  I’m grateful for most stuff, but some have me very limited.  Don’t want the cost of a smart phone and have no one to really text.  Have no idea what 5G means.  Now that I think about it, a smart phone would intensify my loneliness.  People are so interactive I see with them because they have people in their life.  I’d just be playing games on them which I do enough at home.  It’s always a bit awkward when I’m asked why I don’t have one.  How do you tell people that a little thing like that is useless when you are utterly alone?  I just say I’m a dinosaur.  A pay as you go flip phone is fine for me.  What I miss is calling him and vice versa.  Still do.  😪

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, widow'15 said:

this move reminds me every minute how much I miss my husband and the life we had; the triggers are everywhere.  Each box I pack, each drawer I empty has a reminder of those years we were a happy couple.

I don’t know how you are doing it, Dee.  Just thinking about what you said above makes me want to cry.  It’s inevitable down the road.  Heck, I should have help now or massive surgery to really enjoy our home as I did for the first few years after he left.   I’ll never forget him begging me not to send him away when his thinking got too dangerous for him to stay here.  That will haunt me til I die.  How I will handle it is something I try and avoid but it’s right there every day.  
 

I think you are very strong.  I’m so glad you have help in this, another life altering change.  💖

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ll never forget him begging me not to send him away when his thinking got too dangerous for him to stay here.  That will haunt me til I die.  How I will handle it is something I try and avoid but it’s right there every day.  

Oh Gwen how sad for you to have that in your memory.  Those words brought me to tears.  I can't even begin to fathom the sadness of hearing your Steve say those words to you.  You seem to have some control presently maintaining your living area.  Only you will know when you need to make your decision.

I do carry Bob's words in my memory as he was reorganizing our investment plan after the 2008 financial crises, he asked if he were to pass away would I sell the house.  My reply was, "Yes, it would be the first thing I would do since I knew I could never keep it up alone".  Six years after his passing, I am finally following through on my response and hopefully moving onto an easier life.  My old body and brain just can't manage it anymore as emotional as it is.  We just have to do what is best for each of us.  I don't think I am strong, just really tired.  But, thank you for the thoughts.  Dee

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

George would have been 67 today.  I never got Medicare mailings to him, but I have my XH who hasn't been here for 20 years or the one who never lived here!  A lot of companies need more accurate mailing lists.  You can tell the post office not to deliver mail to them, it might cut some of it.  They cannot distinguish between and weed out just the Medicare mailings though.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If only we could stop mailings of everything that we gave no interest in.  So much of my mail keeps our city recycling going.  🙂

I have much better luck in email from companies.  I unsubscribe and it usually works.  The PO has an app that shows you what’s in your mail every day.  Some days it’s pushing myself to go get it as it all junk.  Or there will be one they say they can’t identify.  I tried to get off financial investment updates, but my money guy says the only other option is email and I really don’t want to clutter my mail with that.  Easy to delete, I just hate my once personal mail is already getting enough business stuff with medical, banking and such.  

Just got a piece to both Steve and I.  Have to call them and try and get removed.  A charity we dropped years ago.  Some waste so much money on these mailings.  If he/I haven’t donated in years, it’s a pretty good bet we aren’t now.
 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 5 months later...

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. 

It breaks my heart that nobody even remembers or cares that it is- not even Annette's sister. 

She was so beautiful that day (I think I have a picture in this thread. My phone won't let me post pictures on here for some reason). I have to remember every day how lucky I was to have been able to marry her. It was a lot of hard work getting her to marry this weirdo. She was and is an angel. It's so sad that not enough people knew her. She was truly one of a kind. She was so sweet and funny. Even when she was in terrible pain, she always had a smile for me. It's so unfair and cruel that she had to suffer. 

There's so many things I miss about her. She was so gullible, in a cute way, and I liked to make up stuff to see if she would believe me. She was probably playing me, because she was so smart. I loved nothing more than to think of the most disgusting adjectives I could  string together, just to hear her say "Ew!". She gave the best hugs. 

I appreciate being able to at least acknowledge my anniversary here, and you good folks are very kind to listen. 

James

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

53 minutes ago, nashreed said:

appreciate being able to at least acknowledge my anniversary here, and you good folks are very kind to listen. 

James: I am so sorry your Annette is not here with you to celebrate your 29th Anniversary together.  These special memories can be so warming to the heart and make us smile as you do remembering how lovely she looked while at the same time can hurt so deeply.  Please know you are in my thoughts today.  Dee

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

James, I was really touched to hear those wonderful words you used to describe your Annette. I hope by sharing your beautiful memories of her with us here will give you comfort and serenity, knowing that we all understand how you are feeling. Even if your loved one isn't with you physically, you have her always in your heart and in your mind and nothing or nobody will ever take that away from you. 

Take care. 

Enza

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

All the special days are so tough.  So deeply personal.  We announced to the world finding our one and only and so miss them this chosen day.  I’m sorry her sister forgot.  I don’t think anyone ever remembered ours unless we mentioned it. Annette sounds wonderful.  It’s amazing how our loves changed everything in the world.  ❤️

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I love what Marty posted, so apropos.  I love your telling about her gullibility, like a sweet innocence.  We were all so lucky to have them in our lives, nothing fills that void now, I know.

Thinking of you as you remember this day...

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I got through yesterday because I (luckily) had distractions. I got the family Christmas tree Fri. and had to put the lights on yesterday. It's only 4 ft. A little guy and I feel happy that I was able to take him home and give him a reason to be for a few weeks. Thinking about the poor trees that don't get taken home makes me terribly sad. 

I read that one of Annette's favorite authors- Anne Rice- passed away. I hope that they can talk up in Heaven now. We met her at a book signing in the mid 90's and that book was one of her treasured possessions. It seems that so many people are passing. Michael Nesmith of the Monkees passed and I just went to see him at their show in Sept. 

Funnily enough, on this Sunday morning I'm listening to one of my favorite singers- Warren Zevon, and his song "Life'll Kill Ya". Unlike Christmas music, I find his ruminations on death and mortality comforting and soothing. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

I got through yesterday because I (luckily) had distractions. I got the family Christmas tree Fri. and had to put the lights on yesterday. It's only 4 ft. A little guy and I feel happy that I was able to take him home and give him a reason to be for a few weeks. Thinking about the poor trees that don't get taken home makes me terribly sad. 

James: Happy to read you had a sense of accomplishment by putting up your 4 ft tree.   Even a 4 ft tree needs to feel needed and will surely give you and your family a Holiday feeling.

You mentioned "Anne Rice" and it made me think why did I recall that name?  And, it came to me finally.   I grew up in New Orleans.  In the early 2000's, my husband, son and son's wife visited NO.  My DIL was totally into Anne Rice novels and insisted on driving past Anne's home.  I am not sure if she was hoping she could get a glimpse of her in her front yard.  LOL.  If I'm not mistaken I think I have pictures of the house somewhere in my vast collection of old family photographs.  It was a typically beautiful house in the St. Charles District of old NO.  Just thought I'd share that little bit of humor with you.  Dee

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cool, Dee. Thanks. She was a big fan and reader of her books, but sadly, lost interest when she was stuck having to read a Kindle at maximum zoom because of her diabetic retinopathy. It's just not the same as a real book. Now I'm upset because I know I have her autographed Anne Rice book, and I don't know where it is. Things do get lost in moves. I have no idea what happened to my wedding video. I didn't care when she was around, because I hate hearing my voice on it, but not I'd give anything to see it. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

44 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Now I'm upset because I know I have her autographed Anne Rice book, and I don't know where it is. Things do get lost in moves. I have no idea what happened to my wedding video. I didn't care when she was around, because I hate hearing my voice on it, but not I'd give anything to see it. 

James:  Agreed, "Things get lost in moves".   I hope your wedding video and her Anne Rice's autographed book surfaces.  Those visual reminders of happier times are so precious.  Dee

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Widow2015 said:

I grew up in New Orleans.

Ahh, N.O. One of my/our favorite places. No place beats it for architecture, music, atmosphere. You could almost see Lestat and his vampire buddies roaming those streets. I could do with a beignet (or 2 or 3) about now.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...