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20 hours ago, nashreed said:

I have nothing to offer but credit card debt, medical bills and a fat gut.

Please don't sell yourself short.  I get the impression you're still young...I'm, on the other hand, in my 60s and what I'd look for in someone is different than what I would have looked for when I was young.  Looks definitely take a back seat, finances can be worked on, so can weight (I lost 65 lbs this year...Keto...and weigh less than I have since my early 20s!) but what I value is character, values, morals, someone who wants to SHARE in life, companionship, caring, sense of humor!  When I was young I picked all wrong, it was a miracle when George and I clicked so well!  I was so happy with him and losing him was a huge shock, hard to adjust to, it's taken me years but I'm in a better place now than when it first happened.  Be patient with yourself and do not sell yourself short!  I'm sure you have many good qualities, just need to recognize them!

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kayc:  I hear you.  Shortly after my husband passed away, probably less than two months one of my dearest friends passed away.   I have missed her so much and wouldn't even know how to make another ol

I agree with Kieron about not being in a supportive environment.  I’m glad I was alone if that was my only other option.  I had lots of his friends contacting me at first and then they faded away.  I

Sometimes when we are in an unsafe or unsupportive environment, we take on protective coloration, so to speak.  Also, remember that grief is different in men compared to women, and you might well stil

On 10/8/2020 at 7:10 AM, kayc said:

Please don't sell yourself short.  I get the impression you're still young...I'm, on the other hand, in my 60s and what I'd look for in someone is different than what I would have looked for when I was young.  Looks definitely take a back seat, finances can be worked on, so can weight (I lost 65 lbs this year...Keto...and weigh less than I have since my early 20s!) but what I value is character, values, morals, someone who wants to SHARE in life, companionship, caring, sense of humor!  When I was young I picked all wrong, it was a miracle when George and I clicked so well!  I was so happy with him and losing him was a huge shock, hard to adjust to, it's taken me years but I'm in a better place now than when it first happened.  Be patient with yourself and do not sell yourself short!  I'm sure you have many good qualities, just need to recognize them!

I appreciate that. I'm 50, so I feel like my youth is far behind me. Part of me wants to try to find someone again, but the majority of me just thinks that would be cheating and that I should learn to be alone, after all this time where I had a love, all day every day. It's a big adjustment. 

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This shows how different we all are.  No one wants to be alone, but I can’t fathom anyone but Steve.  He was two thirds of my life.  No one will ever know me even a smidge compared to that.  My definition of companionship has changed since I was younger too.  What fulfilled that then wouldn’t now.  

You never know.  By following your path and not forcing anything, you may run into someone who fills some of the need.  I have occasional contact with men that feels good, but I can’t see being a deep relationship.  One thing I would caution about is your vulnerability being so early into this.  It takes time to figure out, if we ever do, who we are and our needs now for a couple years from all I’ve seen.  That’s just my opinion,tho.

 I’m afraid there is no escaping the huge loneliness and longing.

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This shows how different we all are.  No one wants to be alone, but I can’t fathom anyone but Steve.  He was two thirds of my life.  No one will ever know me even a smidge compared to that.  My definition of companionship has changed since I was younger too.  What fulfilled that then wouldn’t now.  

You never know.  By following your path and not forcing anything, you may run into someone who fills some of the need.  I have occasional contact with men that feels good, but I can’t see being a deep relationship.  One thing I would caution about is your vulnerability being so early into this.  It takes time to figure out, if we ever do, who we are and our needs now for a couple years from all I’ve seen.  That’s just my opinion,tho.

 I’m afraid there is no escaping the huge loneliness and longing.

Absolutely- that's why I said just a "part" of me. I know there's nobody that could ever even remotely come close to Annette.  It really is a "man" thing. I have been so used to having that companionship and being loved so unconditionally. I live with my Mom now, and I am being taken care of, but obviously it's not the same. It's probably because my Mom is very emotionally standoff-ish- no hugs.  And I feel like I'm taking all my anger and hurt out on her too.  I miss Annette so much.

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16 hours ago, nashreed said:

the majority of me just thinks that would be cheating and that I should learn to be alone

It's not cheating, but it IS important to have that ample period of time where you learn to be alone, on your own, discover yourself as who you are solo, before beginning anything with someone else.  Many make the mistake of trying to "fill that spot" or replace that person before going through this adjustment period.  We're in for a long haul on our grief journey, so it's good to give ourselves the gift of time & patience, and learn to value yourself, just for you!

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

One thing I would caution about is your vulnerability being so early into this.

Amen to that!

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Some days I just really miss her. I saved 60 voicemails of hers (she used to leave a message every hour- she would sing to me on them or just say what she was doing), and I have to parcel them out and savor them. I don't want to have them memorized anytime soon. I want to be surprised. 

It's amazing that it's only been about five months and it feels like it was another lifetime ago.  Sometimes I can't even quite remember her face (I mean I have her on my phone screensaver all the time- it's how she looked this year that gets hard to remember. Her looks through the years are all a jumble). 

 

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I like all pictures of Steve except the last year.  I have gotten rid of all the tangible ones.  Can’t erase my mind tho.  I don’t really care when I envision different ones.  I just like he was healthy and we were happy.  I still can’t listen to his voice, so you are beyond me there.  I wish I could do that as I’d listen to his songs he recorded.  I’m glad you can do that.

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I'd give anything to listen to George's voice but it's all erased, 15 years ago, I cried when I discovered it.  But I hear it inside my mind.  I hear him calling and leaving a message, "Hi, Hon..."  I loved his voice.

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It's starting to get more sad and depressing to listen to her voicemails as time goes on.  They're like transmissions from a past life.

I miss that special unconditional love, that special "soul mate" friendship. It truly does suck to be alive without it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm going through a difficult time of really, really feeling guilty about her passing. 

I see these commercials for different products that might have really helped her pain. She had severe Rheumatoid Arthritis which prevented her from exercising like she should have. I mean, they may not have worked for her, and I didn't know about them when she was alive. Now they air and torment me and make me feel like such a failure, that I didn't literally try everything- damn the cost.

She passed resulting from an extreme low blood sugar. I see commercials for Diabetes insulin pump or injectors and want to cry. She always felt that she could control her own blood sugar, but had Stage 3 Kidney Disease and that made it extremely difficult for her to manage. I really should have pushed her to get something that would automatically control her insulin. Even though she was stubborn and wanted to be in control, I feel nothing but guilt and I don't know how to let go of these feelings.

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How can you try something you haven't heard of and the doctor hasn't recommended?  You are NOT guilty of anything!  They are making advances all the time, does that mean all of us should feel guilty our spouse died?  My George had Diabetes, we did everything they recommended, took classes, I didn't have sugar in the house, didn't use white flour, used only whole grains, because that's what they told us to use!  Now, 15 years later I'm learning that the medical community spreads deception about Diabetes!  Big pharma is behind it with manipulating test results to "prove" their wanted results.  Now that I'm learning the truth I'm getting my own Diabetes under control without their help or pills.  Should I then feel guilty because my husband's heart  attack with diabetic complications happened in spite of my doing all I knew to do?  No, that makes the experts and government guilty because of their complicity in lying to us for the last 50+ years.  All driven by greed and money.  

There are a lot of things they haven't found a cure for, not necessarily because they couldn't but because they put their big bucks where they want and there is no $ in it for them if we don't need their pills...so they push them, which also carries side effects.  

I am so sorry your wife went through this and ultimately, now YOU are suffering as a result.  I am learning every day and probably will continue to do so the rest of my life.  I don't know how you let go of those feelings except to reason with yourself...that has helped me...this is something most of us have struggled with.  We feel their protectors.  Also, George had a sweet tooth and would sneak stuff when away from home.  I was not his controller.  I didn't want to contribute to his demise, so I didn't buy the stuff, I didn't fix it, but he was a grown man who could make his own choices.  The consequences were heavy and they have a lasting effect on me as well.

I've shared guilt articles on here before, but what comes to mind is the Serenity Prayer...
 

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
To accept the things I cannot change; 
Courage to change the things I can; 
And wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time;
 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world 
As it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right 
If I surrender to His Will; 
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life 
And supremely happy with Him 
Forever and ever in the next. 
Amen.

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Thank you. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, and I know that she would not want me to feel guilty. It's just a hard process.

I think back to a few years ago. We had a young step niece who had cancer, inoperable brain tumor. Annette's father, Kimmie's step-grandfather, would pray and get his whole church to pray, made hats that said "Pray for Kimmie", etc. Annette would just roll her eyes- not that she was cruel, but felt that God's will is His will. You can pray all you want, but if it's your time, it's your time. Annette told me before me got married that she felt she would not live a long life. She was right about everything (except me being some great Guru and genius). 

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I don’t knows anything about deception regarding diabetes or other conditions, but I have experienced the hamster wheel of trying to get help and being shuffled from one doc to the next which can bring differing opinions.  I  know there is 'danger' using the net for information.  I only trust places like Mayo Clinic or other accredited sources.  I learned to not read patients forums because they caused more anxiety.  

I do agree big pharma is a greedy b*stard.  The costs of meds is criminal.  So are the costs of medical procedures.  I don’t know how to fix it, but it isn’t right that anyone should be denied care by their wallet.  

I see commercials too for things regarding cancer.  I mute them or skip in recordings as I am not a doctor.  We don’t know if they would have helped in our situations.  We have to trust we made the best decisions and I hope that Steve’s med team did the best they could.  I can’t judge that as I don’t have the medical knowledge to grill them.  I hate the saying what’s done is done, but it’s true.  If I found out anything now that was lacking it would only intensify the grief and the bad habit WE take on that we 'should have known' when we couldn’t.  I don’t go back there anymore.  I don’t question myself because I know I did the very best I could given my ability, knowledge and advocating for him.

I know guilt is a phase of this, I feel fortunate it has not been a part of my journey.  I suppose I could look for some and find it, like cutting of his radiation sooner than I did, but it serves no purpose and the result would ultimately be the same.  He was never going to beat the cancer.  

I try and be careful in comment on the religious side without it sounding invalidating.  I can only say I don’t believe this is decided by an entity.  If I did I’d want to know why it allowed so much suffering.  Even that is saying too much as I do respect anyone’s belief.  

Nashreed,  I truly hope you find freedom from guilt.  It is such a cruel emotion that should only be felt by people that deliberately harm others.  Unfortunately, they don’t feel that and we that try and help do.  We can keep telling you that over and over, but you need to tell yourself.  You know you did all you could.  Try giving yourself gratitude for that as your Annette would.

 

 

 

 

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23 hours ago, nashreed said:

made hats that said "Pray for Kimmie", etc. Annette would just roll her eyes- not that she was cruel, but felt that God's will is His will.

I read a Bible expository once that showed instances in the Bible where people's prayers changed God's mind, so it's not without merit to pray to him. ;)

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I have experienced the hamster wheel of trying to get help

Oh yes!  I no longer respect or trust the medical community as of this year.  Been lied to and felt firsthand the lack of caring for our situations and pain.  I could post more but don't want to derail the grief threads...

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's very difficult to fall into a boring routine with nothing to look forward to. It was very hard and stressful caring for Annette, and our days were filled with scheduling medical appointments, managing her pain and making sure she slept enough (bad sleep apnea where she would get sleepy during the day sometimes). But, as weird as it is, it was still fun, because she was fun. I miss fun. My family isn't affectionate and our senses of humor are not compatible (I was actually pretty dirty and unfiltered with Annette- can't do that anymore). I feel like I don't have a personality anymore. 

It will be six months next week. I just really do not want to live in a world without Annette. I talk to her everyday outside, but it can feel empty and hollow. I don't like the sound of my voice, and I don't like doing monologues. I need to find focus, and make her proud, but I just don't have any energy to start a new life. 

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I definitely look forward to my alone time with Annette. I meet up with her at the same place, around the same time every morning. It gives me a reason to get up actually, and something to look forward to because I can lay out my random good and bad thoughts and clear them out and I feel a little more motivated. Mornings I can actually feel productive and get stuff done before the duldrums of the afternoon set in.

I nearly broke down and cried in Walgreens yesterday, because when I was in line at the pharmacy counter, I saw this new blood sugar moderation-helper pill (or something) that I had never seen before. Her death was partly from an extreme low blood sugar and it just made me say "I'm so sorry you weren't on this" and all that. Going into Walgreens is always sad for me anyway, because I practically lived there (and it was very close) when we were together. There's so much stuff that I see that I think "Does Annette need this?" before I realize, of course she doesn't. There's just so many reminders of her that it's one big grief trigger.

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Happens to me all the time, but more in grocery shopping or seeing little things Steve would like.  A tool, something silly or going back to get something he commented on, especially if it was music related as I’m no musician to know what he used as far as strings or whatever.  I see ads on TV about drugs but I skip them as they depress me in general and none are directed at prostate cancer and if they were, they’d are new so not an option.  I don’t think about his cancer beyond it ending us.  It’s a horrid form of nature gone awry just as my back failing.  I don’t want to carry that either.  Life without him is hard enough.  I can’t change it stole him.  My fight is finding reason to keep going without him.  I woke up this morning going thru every detail of getting dressed.  It’s so hard and painful.  I can’t even start my day with just the mental depression which is more than enough.  Then comes the tasks of feeding Mel, mail, phone calls and how to get thru another day just to do it over again.  If I don’t have errands I panic.  How do I fill those hours because that’s all the night is now, empty time.  Used to get up and see what our days would be or we had plans.  He had his things,I had mine and some days were together.  The nights were ours unless he had-band practice or recording.  All I know is life was good, now its sucks.  So much do I don’t care much about me.

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I like that you are making a time to meet with her regularly.  Your post reminds me of something we covered when I was leading a grief group, I want to print it here:

What it Means to ‘Change Your Relationship With Grief’

 

There are things that you get over in life. For example a cold, your first breakup, or an argument with a good friend. More often than not, these things happen, they cause temporary misery, maybe you learn from it, and then you let bygones be bygones. Many experiences follow a similar pattern and with good reason. There are things we can and should leave in the past for the benefit of everyone, just imagine how much pain and negativity we’d all carry around if we could never forget and move on.

That said, it is a mistake to think that all painful experiences can and should be gotten over. There are times when such a shift simply isn’t possible – people can’t always change the way they think, feel, and behave simply because they want to. It’s common to think that, in these instances, one can go to therapy or take medication and be cured of these problems, but many people who’ve experienced things like serious hardship, trauma, addiction, and psychological disorder will tell you that healing isn’t about putting these experiences in the past, rather it’s about changing their relationship to the related thoughts, memories, behaviors, and emotions that exist in the present.

There are also times when ‘getting over’ something or ‘forgetting’ isn’t even desirable, such as getting over or forgetting about a deceased loved one and their ongoing absence. Still, many people mistakenly think that grief is something that can and should end at some point. Those who understand grief in hindsight may think this is a foolish mistake, but I would argue it’s common and understandable considering how little people know about grief before experiencing it. Especially those who live in societies where people are quick to believe that grief runs a linear and finite course and, as a consequence, encourage grieving people to push forward and let the woes of the past disappear like water under the bridge.

The reality of grief is that it often stays with you until the day you, yourself, die. For those who think of grief as being all negative emotion, I can see where this may seem unmanageable, but rest assured the impact of grief changes over time. As you change your relationship with grief – by changing how you respond to, cope with, and conceptualize grief – you will likely also find hope and healing. If you think about it, grief is one instance where there is a strong benefit to accepting its ongoing presence in your life because doing so creates more room for comfort, positive memories, and an ongoing connection with the person who died.

I understand this progression because I’ve experienced it, but I’m sure it can be difficult to believe if you haven’t. Initially, I thought about writing a post titled something like ‘5 Ways Your Relationship With Grief Changes Overtime’, but then I changed my mind. Grief is unique, relationships are unique and so your relationship with grief and with the person who died will evolve in a complex and nuanced way.  So, instead of generalizing and categorizing, I’m going to share how my relationship with grief changed over time.  At the end, please share your own insights about how your relationship with grief has or has not changed in the comment’s section.

At first I tried to outrun, wait out, hide from, and ignore grief.

Eventually, I realized my grief wasn’t going anywhere so I could either run from it forever or give in and experience it.  Once the cloud of grief consumed me, it was hard to see or feel anything else.  This sucked but only slightly more than the running.

In the early days of grief, it felt like all the light had been drained from the world and everything was dark.  But as the fog of acute grief thinned, a little bit of light crept in and things started to look a little less scary and a little more manageable.

I grew less intimidated by my grief and increasingly confident in my ability to handle its ups and downs, twists, and turns.  Once I was able to look grief head on, I realized it’s made up of both good things and bad.  Grief grows from the same seeds as love so after someone dies, one seldom exists without the other.

Over time my relationship with grief has changed.  I see it now as something as nuanced, complex, and beautiful as my relationships with those who have died.  Though its ongoing presence is sometimes challenging, I embrace it because it’s a source of love and connection with those who have died.

---What’s Your Grief
https://whatsyourgrief.com/changing-your-relationship-with-grief/

 

My Footnote:

At first I was in shock, terrified, anxious.  Friends disappeared, adding to the hurt and confusion.  I felt alone, abandoned and didn’t know a roadmap through this.  I tried rebuilding my life but was thick in grief fog, no clarity of thought and everything I tried was disastrous.  It took much time to process my grief, but I did, through allowing myself to feel the emotions, pain and all, and not trying to cover them up or rush through this.

I found that grief is not 100% negative, but there’s benefits to having gone through this.  I began to look at life and death differently.  Rather than hating my loss and grief, I began to see the benefits of  having experienced this.  I became more empathetic, more able to help someone else going through it (comforting with the same comfort God has comforted us), I began to appreciate each day and value life as a gift and live in the present moment.  I found purpose again. 

I’ve discovered that grief isn’t for a set period of time, but is with me for life, although it evolves throughout my journey and changes form.  I’m no longer afraid of it, it has become my constant companion as I’ve learned to coexist with grief.

Little by little I’ve built a life I can live.  Finding balance, interaction with others, and solitude, time with my furry family.  Activities, not to crowd out the pain, but to experience life even with its changes.

One of the benefits as I’ve had to tackle life and its decisions on my own is the confidence its built.

I’ve given myself permission to smile and realized that it is not my grief that binds me to him, but our love, and that continues still.

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Very well written and good for those in that scary beginning.  That said....

I cannot look at this as any kind of gift.  Yes, I became more empathetic than sympathetic because it personally touched me.  I learned that when parents and friends died.  Now the most cherished bond.  I don’t value my life as I did.  I have no one to share it with as it gets more ravaged with age.  I have no choice but to coexist with it.  I don’t like not having choice.  It is forced upon me.  I’ve found no balance, solitude is slowly killing me and interaction has disappeared and not for lack of trying. I can still smile at times, but it is so short lived.  I can chuckle, but again, it’s gone too fast.  

Yes, it is the love.   It is what gave everything meaning.  There are people that have never had this and don’t have to experience these changes.  They won’t understand something they never had.  There’s no right or wrong in it, sorry they didn’t have it, it was just how their life journey is.  Mine, all of ours here, took a path we combined with ourself willingly.  Had it ripped away.  Will carry that pain with the only hope I ever feel....it will stop when I pass.  

I’m happy you find some good in this and I can echo some of it at times.  But in my reality, my life will never be happy again.  It’s changed me so much.  Forced me to be an introvert when i am not.  Made me listen to others with an undercurrent of envy about their families, plans and things I had to give up.  I often feel I am lying in my happiness and support of them.  But I have no right to steal that from them.  I have to downplay who I really am now.  That is something I will never get used to.  I can’t be the me I am now.  Only here.  I don’t live here, I live out there.  

I’ve tried so many ways to accept it.  It worked for awhile until people didn’t want/like it anymore unless I pretend.  So I have to be the person I am now in solitude.  

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but all I do know is that for some of us, there will be no 'good' side in any way and that’s a terrible way to have to live.  And it isn’t because we didn’t try our darned hardest.  We are all different and valid.  Little things like having family member or friend would help.  But I don’t.  I’d even take one that drove me crazy just to have some human connection beyond minor socializing.  I only have a long distance cousin who doesn’t get it and has answers to all my problems. She doesn’t understand why I pushed back.  Now i listen and move on to topics that don’t involve this loss or how to run my life alone which she has always done.

now off to make phone calls like a normal person.  Will drain me.  Try and act like I care about a plumbing problem and missed garbage collection.  Attempts for something to kick in for connection again, but odds are won’t.  

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Yes, Gwen, what you write makes perfect sense.  Overall, yes, I can see you don't feel happy, how can you when crippling pain and aloneness are your companions?  You're in a unique spot over some who can rebuild their lives, have social activities, enjoy hobbies, etc.  I know it's changed for me too, but for sure it has for you.  And of course, COVID has changed everything for everyone.  You can see that we learn through this and that can be valued as a gift, but at the same time it doesn't begin to weigh in like your physical pain and aloneness does.  I don't think any of us should have to pretend so that we can appease someone else.  But sometimes being frank with others makes them run too!  What a dilemma!  I don't kid myself, even if we learn a million lessons from what we're going through, we would gladly toss it all aside just to have them back for five minutes!    But I don't know what choice we have but to keep going and look for good wherever we can find it, no matter how minute it may be. :wub:

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Gwen, I understand more than you know.  Even though I live with my mother and brother, I feel very alone, because the love I had with Annette and that bond were so unique and irreplaceable. I was so lucky for the 30 or so years I had with Annette. For all intents and purposes, I should have been alone all that time- my brother has never had a relationship. We're just weirdos. But Annette was my miracle. She saved me from being alone and living here for 27 years. My mother never wanted me to leave and move to Tulsa, but I am so glad that I got out of here, because what has happened to my hometown breaks my heart: homeless people laying on the street, places I worked or grew up going to just boarded up and abandoned. She saved my life. 

I interact with her family and they've been great, but I can't really be myself with them. I had a life completely separate with Annette, completely separate from my family- by choice. We like being each other's everything, but now I don't feel connected completely to either "side". 

My life will never be happy again. My love was once in a lifetime. I enjoy little things and try to get through the day. Listening to music is all I really look forward to. I feel guilty watching shows that she loved. Her favorite starts again Monday, and I don't know if I can even watch it without her.

So even though I have four family members, I still know exactly how you feel. I am anti-social normally, but with Annette I wasn't.  Even with family, I can't do anything but what seems like small talk- nobody knew the real me except Annette. I don't think anybody really cares that much. There's an old ELO song where the subject is forced to just sit on a park bench and observe the world and people around him for all eternity without being able to connect and hug and have meaningful connection. I guess that's what we face.

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BIt’s so sad you lost the person that saved you from decades of being in a situation you didn’t want to wind up back there.  Had I not met Steve, I don’t know where my life would have led, but I was an outgoing person.  I required adventure, challenges and lots of interaction.  Steve was a showman being a musician, even used those personality talents for the few decades he did the tech boss gig before retiring back to his roots.  We loved our alone time, but had to have our time with each of our passions.  Unfortunately all those passions involved were connection with others.  So, for me, being alone is slowly choking me.  

I cant imagine how you must be feeling beyond the devastation of losing Annette.  Well, I do and I don’t.  I can’t imagine being with people 24/7 I don’t feel connected to.  I don’t know if I could do that.  I’d give anything to have another person IN person to be with now and then.  That’s assuming there is a good feeling from it.  I really crave it.  I can’t even totally blame the pandemic.  People just disappeared from my life for various reasons, even death.  The virus closed my only avenue at the nursing home.  Those 2 days a week kept me clinging to the world.

I often find it bizarre the very things that fulfilled our needs are the ones taken away.  I need my legs and back to do things that would/did help in my grief.  Others need their hands, hearing, sight and get struck down.  

I often make calls on things I need to but don’t care much, if any, about to fill time.  This is a far cry from my once full life trying to squeeze those in and did care.  I keep getting more and more medical calls that are driving me insane.  I’d rather have obnoxious solicitors.  

I wish I could offer you some solace.  That’s the hard part about this.  I always appreciate the well wishes here, but it’s the fact I know I’m not alone in this, even if it is virtual.  It’s all we have of truly understanding people if we don’t have real life ones.  

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I appreciate it. Above all else, it's important for me to be understood, as in I always overexplained my feelings to Annette in the last few years. I did NOT grow up being "in touch with my feelings", but she brought it out of me to where I wanted to hug and share and tell her what I was thinking all the time. Now I'm right back to where I began, with my family and their closed off feelings and passive aggressiveness. No hugs, no conversation beyond superficial and "What's on TV tonight". Plus, I think I mentioned that these neighbors around here with their screaming brats and damn dogs push ALL my triggers. I am wearing headphones now so I don't have to hear the evening screaming session. People are so damn rude and whatever happened to "kids should be seen and not heard"? I wasn't like that when I was a kid. I guess being considerate is a completely foreign concept. Even my brother, watches TV at 2 in the morning full blast. I couldn't get away with that mess when I was teenager here. If my mom even heard a sound when I was trying to watch music videos late night Fridays in the 80's, I heard about it. Now nobody cares about anybody. I cared about Annette, and sometimes I had to tiptoe around the house and go to bed at 6pm if she was sleepy and needed her CPAP time. I swear I'm being tested. Obviously I still have penance to do before I die.

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