Annette

[nashreed]

2 years ago today.... I started out driving from our home in Tulsa, back to the childhood home where my Mom and brother live in Southern California- where I grew up, where we met.  Annette hated it here, hated how brown it is, the heat... I still can't believe I drove for two days that far by myself, in the heat, during the height of the pandemic. I hate it here now too. 

1 year ago.... I had hope. I had people in my life. Annette's Dad was a comforting figure, his house a refuge from the everyday stupid dramas of my family- the pressure of being what they think I should be. I could just be. I had a friend who I texted with every day. A widow, who I thought I had a real connection with- who understood as only someone who has suffered the loss of a spouse can. I don't expect anything- I know I'll never be in a romantic relationship again (I wouldn't even know what to do at this point), but a good friendship with someone who understands is priceless, and it kept me from the despair of a miserable, hot, lonely California 4th Of July holiday. And I had a childhood school friend living here in town, who I could "hang" with. He has such a great life, and I felt like I was intruding- but he was gracious and nice and it was just nice to have a pal, even though I was never comfortable with having a "guy" friend- I'm not into baseball like he is, not in the slightest. I didn't know how good I had it. 

Today, all 3 of them have left me. My father in law passed from COVID in August '21. The widow decided she'd rather wallow in despair and watch TV than maintain a correspondence with me. My school friend must have figured out that I'm a loser, a dark cloud in his idyllic life because he ghosted me. I don't care. I try to look into the future and I see black. I see nothing. I have applied to places like Walmart (like a job would help make me happy, but it's a purpose) but haven't heard anything. I don't have the wherewithal to "meet people", I wouldn't even know how. Post pandemic, everyone is in their own bubble and they have their "people". I am alone. I just don't know why you can't choose to end your life in a socially acceptable way. I had my life with Annette, but she's gone now and my life is over too. I don't want to go on anymore. There's no point. 

[Boho-Soul]

Nashreed

Yeesh, the second half of your post kinda freaks me out. Your despair is so raw, and it makes me feel deeply concerned for your well-being. I have thoughts and want to share some ideas but am thinking they may just be dismissed or you may feel like I’m trying to fix your situation/life without knowing you. I’d like to offer hope, support and encouragement without it being taken the wrong way. I don’t have a magic formula that works for everyone and their situation, but I do have suggestions that I can share that have helped me.

I want to be respectful and don’t want to cross boundaries so I’ll hold off on sharing my thoughts/ideas for now. You let me know when you’re in a place to receive Nashreed. Please take care and know you are important 😌

[nashreed]

Oh, please don't worry. I would never dismiss thoughtful advice out of hand (but I would reserve the right to tell you why said ideas would not be applicable  ). I really appreciate any input. I have nothing, and nothing to lose. I don't feel like I matter to anybody, and don't see the reason I'm here. I'd love to be proven wrong, just like I'd love to know why I'm so toxic that no one wants to be my friend. I guess I give off a standoff-ish vibe, but its not like (in my opinion) anyone is clamoring to make any new friends. 

[Boho-Soul]

43 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Oh, please don't worry. I would never dismiss thoughtful advice out of hand (but I would reserve the right to tell you why said ideas would not be applicable  ). I really appreciate any input. I have nothing, and nothing to lose. I don't feel like I matter to anybody, and don't see the reason I'm here.

Great, I like that you felt the right to say if something isn’t applicable! It shows inner strength which is great. Look at that - a positive 😁

Our situations are very different but the outcome was the same - we lost a love. My suggestions are based on what I’ve been trying and what I feel is working for me. I’ll link it to my situation and you can assess if it’s a fit for you and you circumstances.

First, Self-Care is super duper important. That means something different for everyone. I’m currently off work too (a medical leave given my situation) so I can focus on this. With you not working this may be a benefit. Here are some ideas for self care. Take what works, and let the rest go.

Journal to write out your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, take a walk and spend time in nature, take up yoga, Tai Chi or Qigong all can be found for free using YouTube videos 👍, read, exercise, cook, listen to music, dance like no one is looking, practice mindfulness or meditation, get a massage or other body work done, volunteer, etc. - google for more ideas.

Second, practice Gratitude. This one is huge, like super huge. One can always find something to give thanks for - sight, hearing, taste buds when eating your favourite food, etc. Your  favourite food, the fact that you have food ... and on it goes. Gratitude is the key to a happier life. What you focus on becomes your reality. Look at how athletes use positive guided imagery to focus on winning a gold. If you focus on all that’s wrong your life will reflect that. I’m speaking from experience on this one. Gratitude seriously changes one’s perspective on life. Write out 5 different things every day and focus on that. Look for the positives.

Third, Therapy - consider seeing a skilled therapist. This has been really helpful for me. It may be a challenge if one doesn’t have the $ for it, but if you do it’s so beneficial to the healing process. It may help with you feeling you’re toxic and have a stand-offish vibe. This connects to the next point ...

Inner Work - You mentioned feeling lonely and your friends have faded away. Yup, that’s me, lonely and friends just faded away. Gotta say feeling lonely suck, so I get you on this point. This is where self-care can help. Got a couple points I want to mention on this, so sorry if I start to sound scattered, lol.

Put all the focus on you, give yourself the love you would give someone else or Annette. You are important! And I get wanting to find someone to connect with. I’m writing this for me and you, ok. It’s important to be wise though, don’t seek someone out just because you’re lonely or want some sort of companionship. Be cautious. A romantic relationship is a want not a need. You need to be ready and make sure you’ve worked through your issues first (that toxic or stand-offish vibe you mentioned). Get yourself to the point where you’ve created an amazing life for yourself as a single person, then look to share that life with someone. And when that happens you’ll have a vibe that says you're okay with your life and that will attract certain people to that vibe. People will want to be around your vibrant, happy vibe - maybe even another special someone.

Last, Seek New Friendships. This can be done in many ways. Try Meetup groups, try a new activity or get involved in one you like, doing volunteer work gets you connected with others, and if applicable, attend a new church (I did this 2 months ago and made amazing new friends).

Gosh, hope this wasn’t too much. Felt like I was writing a term paper, haha. Although more enjoyable as I’m aiming to give you hope and encouragement to become a stronger person and feel like your life is worth living.

Ooh, found this quote I’ll share. Thought it was cool ...

“The truth about love is this: Love is constant; only the names change. Love isn’t restricted to just romantic relationships. Love is everywhere – in the hug of a child, in the concern of a friend, in the center of your family, and in the hearts of your pets. When you’re lost or lonely and you can’t seem to find love anywhere, you’re actually listening to love in human language, instead of listening to the language of love. Love is constant; it’s not an emotion.“

Be well friend 💗😌

[nashreed]

Thanks for your advice. 

Like I said, I know full well that a romantic relationship is never happening again. I was so incredibly lucky that Annette put up with me and my mental crap for as long as she did. She was a saint. I just long for that companionship that we had, that easy rapport...I don't need the physical aspect of a relationship- I just want a friend at this point, and that's a tall ask.

I listen to music all day, and sometimes I almost get burnt out on it. I really try to be grateful for things like having sight- Annette was legally blind. At the same time, I feel such incredible guilt for being able to see. It's a lot of pressure to try to "live" for Annette. I can't do it. 

I was in therapy when Annette was still alive. It was mandatory to get on disability. No offense, but it really didn't help me, because the advice was canned- I didn't feel that they (there were a few different ones) really were all that interested or invested in me. Maybe I'm too needy, too selfish, too greedy. I had the best wife ever and now I have a void in my life that is impossible to fill. That's why it's so hard to live. I mean, I've had a good life with her, you have to die sometime. Why can't it be now? There's really nothing else to live for.

I do appreciate your ideas. Please know that I will try to be better, do better. I don't have a choice. I appreciate you listening Boho.

[Boho-Soul]

I appreciate your honesty. And I can’t help it but I still feel unsettled about your situation, especially when you say, “There’s really nothing else to live for.”

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I was in therapy when Annette was still alive. It was mandatory to get on disability. No offense, but it really didn't help me, because the advice was canned- I didn't feel that they (there were a few different ones) really were all that interested or invested in me. Maybe I'm too needy, too selfish, too greedy.

I can relate to canned responses in therapy, the ones who don’t seem invested and follow their own outline for each session, I’ve had therapists like that. I found one who uses a different model or approach called Internal Family Systems. It’s been really intriguing and helpful.

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I had the best wife ever and now I have a void in my life that is impossible to fill. That's why it's so hard to live. I mean, I've had a good life with her, you have to die sometime. Why can't it be now? There's really nothing else to live for.

You said you were in therapy when Annette was alive, what about now?
Perhaps it would be beneficial my friend. Just typing my thoughts is all 😊

[nashreed]

Thanks. I just haven't really felt motivated to seek therapy now. Maybe because I don't have someone to work on myself for. I go to a chiropractor once a week- that's something. The life you describe sounds nice, I just don't know if I can like myself enough to get there. 

Don't worry. There's too much that could go wrong with suicide. I don't want to screw it up. 

[Boho-Soul]

 

8 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Don't worry. There's too much that could go wrong with suicide. I don't want to screw it up. 

Good, take that ‘S’ word off the white board.

18 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Thanks. I just haven't really felt motivated to seek therapy now. Maybe because I don't have someone to work on myself for.

When you do work on yourself  it’s for you, it’s never for someone else (unless it’s couples therapy). Even then it’s for you.

If your mood, motivation, happinesses, or identity is defined by another person, then you could have a codependent personality. One can be codependent once they become so invested in another person that they can’t function independently anymore. 

Hey, I’m no professional so I’m not trying to diagnose you, it just seems like this information has similarities that match with your situation. Forgive me if I’m being to blunt. Again, just trying to help you as a friend.

[V. R.]

13 hours ago, nashreed said:

2 years ago today.... I started out driving from our home in Tulsa, back to the childhood home where my Mom and brother live in Southern California- where I grew up, where we met.  Annette hated it here, hated how brown it is, the heat... I still can't believe I drove for two days that far by myself, in the heat, during the height of the pandemic. I hate it here now too. 

1 year ago.... I had hope. I had people in my life. Annette's Dad was a comforting figure, his house a refuge from the everyday stupid dramas of my family- the pressure of being what they think I should be. I could just be. I had a friend who I texted with every day. A widow, who I thought I had a real connection with- who understood as only someone who has suffered the loss of a spouse can. I don't expect anything- I know I'll never be in a romantic relationship again (I wouldn't even know what to do at this point), but a good friendship with someone who understands is priceless, and it kept me from the despair of a miserable, hot, lonely California 4th Of July holiday. And I had a childhood school friend living here in town, who I could "hang" with. He has such a great life, and I felt like I was intruding- but he was gracious and nice and it was just nice to have a pal, even though I was never comfortable with having a "guy" friend- I'm not into baseball like he is, not in the slightest. I didn't know how good I had it. 

Today, all 3 of them have left me. My father in law passed from COVID in August '21. The widow decided she'd rather wallow in despair and watch TV than maintain a correspondence with me. My school friend must have figured out that I'm a loser, a dark cloud in his idyllic life because he ghosted me. I don't care. I try to look into the future and I see black. I see nothing. I have applied to places like Walmart (like a job would help make me happy, but it's a purpose) but haven't heard anything. I don't have the wherewithal to "meet people", I wouldn't even know how. Post pandemic, everyone is in their own bubble and they have their "people". I am alone. I just don't know why you can't choose to end your life in a socially acceptable way. I had my life with Annette, but she's gone now and my life is over too. I don't want to go on anymore. There's no point. 

I'm sorry you've been feeling like this. I understand what you mean about suddenly losing these friends when they were the only people you had to talk to. Just like you, at the moment, I am closer to my FIL than I am to my own parents. They just don't understand what I'm going through, but he has lost both his sons now, so prematurely. Also because, apart from my children, he is the closest blood relation of my husband's that I have now. I also look forward to my phone calls from my husband's aunt, every now and then. Do you believe me if I tell you nobody has bothered to come and visit me since I lost my beloved, a year and a half ago? First it was the pandemic excuse, (home visits were only banned for a few months, though,) then time passed and they just forgot. Probably thinking: 'oh, well, it's too late now'. Just the odd phone call (becoming rarer), promises to visit that never materialize, thankfully, my two grownup kids live with me, they do keep me sane, I feel guilty though when they see me always brooding, lost in thoughts, I'm not the same person anymore, have become less tolerant,never a smile on my face, no enthusiasm. I go to my parents'  house about once a week, my FIL and his wife come round often. In a similar way to you, my husband and I were not just a couple, we were best friends too, didn't need anyone else. I've always been timid and reserved anyway, perhaps giving the wrong impression to others that I just wanted to be left alone. Now, I've actually gone into isolation intentionally, I'm just comfortable to stay in my home all day, our nest that we created together, just go into town for shopping and other necessary errands about once a week. Luckily there is always so much to do on our property to keep my mind occupied and not think too much. It is important to keep busy, I agree with all Boho-Soul's suggestions, you really need to  focus on yourself first before being able to let a friend into your life. I don't want to sound 'cliché' but it's true that if you're not content with yourself you can't expect  to have a good relationship with others. You are important just like any other human being in this world. We are all here on this site because we have all loved and been loved, given our whole self to our soulmates, just think how many people never get to experience this in a whole lifetime. Even as I say this, I need to convince myself too, that I have to make it, be strong and carry on. Easier said than done, of course,but we'll get there. I love the film Castaway when Chuck is saying how his human instinct was just telling him he had to live, had to do everything he could possibly do to survive and never give up and he made it. In the end, even though he realises he has lost his love forever, his eyes are full of hope wondering 'what the tide would bring in for him  tomorrow'. 

[kayc]

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

1 year ago.... I had hope. I had people in my life.

This, I'm feeling it too, James.  I don't have my kids, they've let me know they're not accessible, it hurts, they don't call or answer to me, nothing happened between us, they're just busy.  Now with my sister gone, I'm truly alone and well know it.  The social life I'd worked so hard to build tumbled down when Covid hit, now it's not the same.  I was speaking to a neighbor last night while our dogs played, he said, "So you're telling me this WHY?!"  It was a close down statement.  Okay, can't talk to him.  Check!  It's weird when others have someone to talk over their day with but I'm left alone with my thoughts...always.  All the time.  It's gotten old.

I don't know the answer, James, I keep trying, keep trying to keep positive focus, keep making effort, yet I know all too well how hard this is.  I talk to George, it's been 17 years with no response...

Do hang in there, know you're not alone, come here and vent/cry/scream, whatever you're feeling.  We get it.  I wish I had more to offer, sometimes there's no answers, just a listening ear and a caring heart.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

Maybe because I don't have someone to work on myself for.

This is telling.  We don't do it for someone else, we do it for ourselves.  Because we are worth it.  Me, alone, just me, I have learned to value myself, take care of myself, fix good food for myself, do what is in my best interest.  In the end we come into this world alone and go out of it alone.  I am what I have.  I was lucky to share my life with George for a time, but it was only for a time as life has fully taught me.  I am still here, that's reason enough.

[kayc]

@Boho-SoulEVERYTHING you have stated is right on, you are very wise, all good advice and perspective!  Thank you for sharing!  Sometimes we just need reminders of what we already know to be true!

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, V. R. said:

nobody has bothered to come and visit me since I lost my beloved, a year and a half ago?

I had the same, my daughter stayed with me temporarily but was soon back in her own life as should be, but EVERY ONE of our friends disappeared immediately!  Social life...GONE!  Caring, gone!  Sister cared but didn't have a clue what it was like and said inappropriate things to me.  It's a world of difference if someone has good support and someone who gets it and cares.  The world all too often recoils at grief, thinking it contagious or a downer!  Instead they try to "fix" you!  Telling you shoulds like "You SHOULD move to the city!"  I'm a country girl!  or worse "MOVE ON!" (Saying "You'll find someone else!"  This two weeks after he died!  They honestly do not know how or care to be there for us in our shock, grief, now that we're not "fun."

[nashreed]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

This, I'm feeling it too, James.  I don't have my kids, they've let me know they're not accessible, it hurts, they don't call or answer to me, nothing happened between us, they're just busy.  Now with my sister gone, I'm truly alone and well know it.  The social life I'd worked so hard to build tumbled down when Covid hit, now it's not the same.  I was speaking to a neighbor last night while our dogs played, he said, "So you're telling me this WHY?!"  It was a close down statement.  Okay, can't talk to him.  Check!  It's weird when others have someone to talk over their day with but I'm left alone with my thoughts...always.  All the time.  It's gotten old.

I don't know the answer, James, I keep trying, keep trying to keep positive focus, keep making effort, yet I know all too well how hard this is.  I talk to George, it's been 17 years with no response...

Do hang in there, know you're not alone, come here and vent/cry/scream, whatever you're feeling.  We get it.  I wish I had more to offer, sometimes there's no answers, just a listening ear and a caring heart.

Thanks Kay,

I can't believe how rude people are. If someone said that to me, I would just die. That's one of the reasons I don't even try to start a conversation. It seems like everyone has closed down- out walls up and don't want anyone outside their bubble to enter. Y'know when I was a kid and they forced you to go out and sell candy door to door to fundraise for Catholic school, I could never do it- I could not handle rejection in any form. It really says a lot to how much I knew Annette was "the one" that I persevered and eventually ground her down . And I don't know if it's an Autism thing or what, but I also replay conversations in my head and if they were awkward or I said something stupid, it bugs the crap out of me for days, even with strangers and people I don't know. I'm sorry that happened to you, Kay. I could never be so rude. 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't know the answer, James, I keep trying, keep trying to keep positive focus, keep making effort, yet I know all too well how hard this is.  I talk to George, it's been 17 years with no response...

That’s exactly how I feel.  And very much of what you do, James.  I read over all your suggestions,. BoHo, and I have found some helpful, like therapy, but others impossible when you are so depressed you can hardly move from the weight of them.  Everyone’s inner makeup and mostly unchosen social responses are a huge part of this, as you pointed out, Kay.  I’ve tried many of the suggestions and what once worked didn’t anymore.  Losing 25 years of volunteering has crippled me there.  Socializing has definitively changed.  I understand your caring, its hard for some of us to do much.  That adds to feeling bad about yourself.  

7 hours ago, kayc said:

They honestly do not know how or care to be there for us in our shock, grief, now that we're not "fun."

That’s so hard to take, i know.  People want the old us back whois forever gone.  Some hang around for awhile, other# disappear.  I tried not harping on it as I know that would grate on anyone.  But it’s a part of me that will come up.  I participate in activities here.  If i feel down I don’t drag others into it.  Being with them often helps.  I do expect to feel what I do  tho. Our lives are much harder now.  Thats the reality.  Dee is-coming today and it will be what it will.  Sometimes I worry too much and things go better than that creates.

[kayc]

I saved Boho's post, to me it should be an article...I posted it in my other forum, we have so many people there, I know someone will find it helpful.  Both of you are dealing with extra things, that is what makes it harder.  My friend, Jim, has Asperger's and with it, social anxiety, so II understand what you are saying, James.  It's not only his mannerisms, but responses...back in the day they weren't aware of it so there was no diagnosis until he was in the service, and I doubt he's had any treatment.  I am sure it puzzled his kids and wife.  My sister Polly recognized it immediately, it took me a little longer, once I realized it, it made sense, and I understood him better.

I'm sorry for all of you going through this aloneness...it me it is more than loneliness or longing to be with someone for even a few minutes, no, it's more than just that, it's aloneness, the feeling you're on your own, that no one cares.  The more I'm around people, the less I seem to like some of them, makes me want to crawl into my home and hibernate.  I thank God for my puppy.

A positive:  Last night Panther Kitty rubbed by my leg!  We're making progress, little by little.  I'm praying Panther isn't a Pantherette...I don't have a clue about kitties...