Annette

[nashreed]

Love me some 70's fashion! What a great time that must have been! It's amazing how there were only like 6 channels, but we were never bored with it. 

I'm so sorry about your daughter. I don't know the story, but 50 is way too young. 

I miss everything about Annette. Even calling in to refill a prescription reminds me of her having to constantly shout "Pharmacy" to the automated line. Something about her voice didn't register with it. I loved when she left me voicemails and sang to me. All I can do is remember and know that I was loved more than I ever deserved. It's a cold world when you don't have your other half- the best half. 

[KarenK]

I have to laugh at the hair and glasses style. I had very long hair which required the beauty salon each week to put it up in curls. Cut it all off in 1976. It didn't mesh with 4 wheeling and wilderness hiking.  lol

My daughter died in 2014, a year after my husband. Both had cancer.

Don't knock the 70's now....Great music....Fleetwood Mac, Eagles, Beegees, ELO, Pink Floyd and a bunch of great Country stars. I have them all. I don't have near the amount of cd's that you have(only about 250). Loved going to concerts.

[nashreed]

No, I wasn't being snarky- I do love 70's fashion! I can only imagine seeing ELO with the spaceship onstage! I saw them in 2018 and it was good, but no spaceship. At least somebody still has some CD's. Records are hip and all, but they can't physically sound as good as a CD can- it's not possible. It's just nostalgia. 

[Gwenivere]

What would you call that hairstyle, Karen?  It looks like a beehive 'do.  I’ve always had long hair,but I pin it up all the time now.  Just not ready to know it’s really gone, I guess. 

Late 70’s, and the 80’s were my musical time.  Sooooo much good music.  I hear it used all the time in stores, TV, ads and movies.  Makes ya wonder, in 39 years will hip hop be the 'thing' ?  I’m baffled by that stuff.  Seen jimmy kimmel decode it.  I was hot on the Eagles.  Heart.  Fleetwood Mac. Linda rondstadt.  Gosh, so many!  I don’t exastly remember when Robert Palmer came in, but his Addicted to Love was awesome.

[Kieron]

Gwen, it encourages me a lot to read comments in YouTube comments for 70's, 80's and 90's music, all a variation of the same thing: what happened to music?  Today's music is crap.  Kids today don't know good music.  Etc. 😆  And they're not wrong.  I'm blown away at how some classics are ageless and timeless and still fresh as ever.  Even commenters self-identifying as young people say the same thing, they wish they had been born earlier.

[Gwenivere]

One classic that has stuck with me since I heard it is Cheek to Cheek.  Fred Astaire, 1935.  Just googled Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett singing it.  

I had a fleeting dozing dream this morning that Steve kissed me on the cheek.  Felt so good but it was just an illusion.  

[KarenK]

I'm older than most of you so my music goes back to Roy Rogers, Sons Of The Pioneers stuff. Wasn't into Doo-Wap. I liked Elvis and Beatles, but didn't go all crazy for them. Give me a Brooks & Dunn concert anyday. I won several concert tickets through radio stations. Always wanted to see Joan Baez, but never did. Kieron, I don't like today's music at all, even most of the Country isn't Country to me. I am into Kitaro for soothing music.

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

Today's music is crap.  Kids today don't know good music.  

Didn’t our parents say the same thing?  😁

i just don’t see how anyone could keep up with hip hop, I can’t even understand what they are saying.  And so many of them which all sound the same to me.  At least there’s a big distinction between the Eagles and Heart.  And I can understand them!

but to each generation their own, I guess.  

Karen, still waiting on that hairstyle name.  😁

[Kieron]

Seems fitting to leave this here. 🙃

 

[KarenK]

Very clever, Kieron😊

Gwen, I have no idea what it was called. Somehow she just swept it all up and put it in big curls. For some reason, I thought they were called French curls, but probably not. I remember Elke Sommer in some movies with hair like that and a multitude of "babes" in the early James Bond movies, which neither category I fall into. Probably more of a 60's look.

I used have a friend whose favorite saying was "And this too shall pass". Ain't it the truth?

[nashreed]

And George Harrison sang "All Things Must Pass". But why so soon? I just wasn't ready. I feel like she might have known it was her time soon, but couldn't tell me because I would have completely lost my mind. I feel bad that she wouldn't have been able to confide that to me. What kind of husband is that? 

[Kieron]

16 minutes ago, nashreed said:

. I feel bad that she wouldn't have been able to confide that to me.

Well, she may not have known how.  I don't recall the manner of her passing (sorry), but I do know that it takes a lot of energy for the person who is dying to communicate verbally.  Even if she had wanted to, she might not have been able to break through the barrier of her own exhaustion, or maybe she knew it was time and didn't want to worry you.  I had something similar going on when Mark was in his last days.  He couldn't seem to tell me verbally.  It resembled severe depression-- which, surprise surprise, is what it often looks like (Marty probably knows more about these signs).  Now, looking back, I can see he was letting go of everything and just drifting away.  I regret the missed moments when he could have perhaps signaled that he had just come to the end and didn't want to go on, but I wasn't seeing the signs.  And I still have significant anger toward the rehab center social worker and nurses who failed to educate me what was going on.  They may not have known, either.  It's not like anyone in our society, aside from a very small portion, gives death and dying any thought if they can avoid it.

 

26 minutes ago, nashreed said:

What kind of husband is that? 

One who loved her and still loves her, and one who didn't just didn't know.  Maya Angelou wrote, "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

[nashreed]

Thanks for that. Her death was basically a combination of everything that was going wrong with her health in one accident- kidney function, extreme low blood sugar (she had Type 1 Diabetes from the age of 15) and heart failure. She was very obese and in chronic pain. She had severe edema towards the end- just a lot. She had been in the hospital for two weeks. Originally she went in because her knee locked up and she couldn't even stand, but in the hospital (somehow) her kidney function went south. I have so many questions still about the details, but I couldn't visit, so I couldn't grill the doctors. She was very loopy during her stay. They transferred her to a rehab, but she did not want to stay there. It was a crappy place anyway, but she would have been there when she passed. I don't know if that would have changed things. She just couldn't face another 2 weeks with us separated, I know that. She almost passed in the hospital- she just kind of casually mentioned it. I was so glad that she wasn't loopy anymore, I didn't press it and I should have. It doesn't matter now, but I asked her doctors office today for the records of that stay. I just need the closure. But, just the last few months, she was in so much pain. She would be in her wheelchair and put her head on the bathroom door jam and cry- it was that hard to get up to go. I don't think she gave up, but she had no right in her. Her body gave up. 

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

Maya Angelou wrote, "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

I love that!  So good for all of us to remind ourselves!

[Gwenivere]

I had an anger phase on a botched 2nd surgery Steve had.  It was more that hidocs dropped him from top radar because it failed to be as perfect as they wanted.  It had to be done, but they seemed more worried about success rates.  Steve found a way to live with it.  He was disappointed too, but it bought him time.  

I look back on those years and have NO interest in records related to his death.  I don’t want to voluntarily go back to a nightmare I don’t know how I survived.   It would offer no closure beyond the outcome of incurable cancer.  Plus, I lived it day after day.

All I can do is know I did the best I could.  I was versed in symptoms and jargon I had to know.  Some is still stuck in my mind.  I don’t beat myself up about any of it and carry the horrid sadness when I had to make the decision he could not stay at home any longer.  The dementia was too advanced for me to have to be awake 24 to watch him. Plus, because of that, communication was not in this world for him.  He was lost to me.  I will never forget his knowing he was being taken and asking me to please not do it.  Telling him this was for the best while dying inside.  I so wish it had not been up to me.  The hospice nurse I called out said I had to OK it.  I never want that power again.  

I read James and Missy want to know what all happened in those final days.  I hope it helps you.  Those are personal decisions to go back.  I am more in line with Kieron's quote.  I had to tamp down my urges to do differently because of my emotional connection than what was right for him AND me.  It’s an awful place to be.  Only ' good' thing is I will never have to do it again.  Just live with this memory for the rest of my life.  If I could have one wish it would be he had a peaceful passing.  That tears me up the most to end what he endured for years.  What we endured.

[nashreed]

Caring for Annette was difficult- I can only imagine to your struggle, Gwen. I wish I hadn't been so mean to Annette when she was hallucinating, but it was the only way to help her. She would get so stubborn and obstinate when sleep deprived and dehydrated, which is what the hallucinations were caused by- that and the opioids. 

[Kieron]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 He was lost to me.  I will never forget his knowing he was being taken and asking me to please not do it.  Telling him this was for the best while dying inside.

😢  I remember that feeling.  The utter helplessness.

[scba]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

I look back on those years and have NO interest in records related to his death.  I don’t want to voluntarily go back to a nightmare I don’t know how I survived.   It would offer no closure beyond the outcome of incurable cancer.  Plus, I lived it day after day.

All I can do is know I did the best I could.  I was versed in symptoms and jargon I had to know.  Some is still stuck in my mind.  

I took the same decision. I didn't check his records then. It's unnecessary at this stage in my journey.

The vocabulary I had acquired has been erased. He had a rare disease and most surely it won't cross my life another time. I lost interest about the state of scientific research too. We fought to defeat it and put it behind our backs. I left the battlefield alone. 

 

[Gwenivere]

Helplessness is right, Kieron.  Ana, you summed it up perfectly.  It’s not just grief in this battle, it’s survivor grief.  

[MartyT]

8 hours ago, Kieron said:

I still have significant anger toward the rehab center social worker and nurses who failed to educate me what was going on.  They may not have known, either. 

I think your anger is justified, my friend, and I don't blame you. If they are involved in any kind of end-of-life care, nurses have an obligation to educate patients and their caregivers about what is happening and what to expect. Hospice nurse Barbara Karnes has devoted her life to doing just that. 

[Gwenivere]

We had a wonderful hospice nurse.  He was available anytime and as hard as it was to hear, he called Steve’s death within 2-3 days.  He told me about breathing and other signs.  2-3 months before Steve stopped eating much.  Everyone we knew noticed. He pushed his food around to look like he was eating, but it was obvious he wasn’t.  Sometimes I wish I hadn’t known.  I don’t know how I would have reacted not being semi prepared.  

It bought me getting thru the call (he died when I was asleep) and getting dressed to go see him.  I was numb just long enough to tend to the dogs, fall apart and scream curled up on the couch before calling our friends.  

The day my world ended.  

[KarenK]

I can't say enough nice things about Hospice Of The Valley here. We became involved with them the day Ron was sent home to die. A nurse was by his side as soon as we arrived home in the ambulance and took care of him until his final breath.

I can't say any nice things about the hospice in Kentucky where Debbie died. They might have been suited to provide care for the Humane Society. For sure, not humans. Their response time was terrible. Estimation time of death was off by 3 weeks. Worst of all, when it was apparent her time was near, I called to ask if someone could come out to be with her. Their response was "Oh no, we don"t do that. Just call us back when she's dead and then we'll come out and call the mortuary". I was completely stunned. That group can kiss my a$$.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry that was your experience with them when your Debbie died.    We sure get a wide array of "help" from Home Health, Hospice, etc.!  My dealings with Hospice has been great, but I know some whose was not.  My friend Jim doesn't have anything good to say about them from when he was caring for his dying mother...they wouldn't even call her MaryEva, which is what she always went by, insisting on calling her Mary instead!  To her that was a lack of respect!  I can't imagine anyone not even giving that respect!

When Mom (MIL) was dying, one of the Home Health workers started an affair with my FIL while mom lay dying in her bed.  You could hear my husband and brothers screaming from blocks away!!!  I reported her.  They didn't fire her.  To my knowledge he'd never done anything like that before, but she'd been bedridden with cancer for three years, I think he got used to her "being gone" from him, but she was very present and it was extremely hurtful to her!  She wanted us to forgive him.  We did, but at the time it was extremely difficult!  I loved the old man to his dying day and showed it, long after his son's & my divorce.  We all agreed to move on from it, for mom's sake.  It was her dying wish.  She was a wonderful woman.  I look at him as having been very vulnerable and she took advantage of it, it was highly unprofessional.  I have to admit, I didn't shed a tear when I saw her obituary, but it did close a chapter.

[nashreed]

Merry Christmas from Annette, from a happier time. May you all remember your loved ones the way they were happiest. There is only joy and love where they are now. We are blessed to have known them.

[kayc]

Thank you, she is beautiful!  I love her hair!