Annette

[kayc]

22 hours ago, nashreed said:

Was your first year a balance of "fun" and being withdrawn?

Fun???  Are you kidding?!!

Here is my first post here from that time...
 

On 7/10/2005 at 2:16 AM, kayc said:

It is three weeks ago today that I lost my beloved husband, my soul mate, my best friend, and I can relate so aptly to your pain and loss. Unlike you, I didn't get to tell him it was okay to let go, and I wasn't able to be there to hold his hand as he slipped away, for they made me leave...he was having yet another heart attack, just barely 51, so young. All our dreams gone in a moment and nothing but sorrow and empty wishes left to remain. I too wonder how I will survive this, how I will hang on until my time too has come and I can be with him again. How do I wait, what if it's another 40 years? I have always had strong faith and yet I find myself wondering stupid things, like how will I find him up in heaven, it's surely such a big place, how will things be different, will I still be as special to him as I always was? We were everything to each other, how do I go on without the love of my life? My life is so alone now, so painful, how can I possibly turn it in to meaning and purpose? Each day drags so slowly by, no matter how busy I keep myself. Nights are hard, I cry myself to sleep and then awaken a couple of hours later to tossing and turning and thoughts that don't shut off. Saturdays are the worst, that was our day, the day we always saved for each other. We did everything together, now everything is a reminder of what I've lost. Over and over I think of his suffering, how long he endured that pain, and I wish I'd realized. Futilely I berate myself for what I should have done different, I should have taken the bull by the horns and just made him see another doctor instead of letting him procrastinate...I should have insisted he be tested for heart disease instead of accepting the doctor's prognosis of "anxiety"...I should have told him to quit his demanding job instead of waiting for him to find a new one first...I should have slowed down and smiled at him more and...oh but I worshipped him! How could I have done more than I did! I gave him life, I loved him as no one ever had! I was his little one, always and forever, and nothing will change that, not death, not this invisible wall that has forcibly separated us for a time. Nothing is as invincible or as enduring as our love!

[nashreed]

Sorry, bad choice of word- "being social" is what I meant 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Comparing is rarely, if ever, helpful.  We live our reality, they live theirs.  Both are as valid.  I don’t feel less valid when I see someone struggling more, but I can feel empathy for them.  I won’t invalidate myself as that makes it worse.  

I can't emphasize this enough!  Comparing devalues, robs us and others.  Everyone's feelings are valid!

This describes my first year!

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My first year was survival only.

[nashreed]

And I honestly don't know why it's so necessary to "survive". Life here is no great shakes. 

I wake up and my first thought is "Dang, still alive". What is the point? Sorry- pity party, table for one. I had another dream where I was aware that I would have to tell someone Annette is gone. I had another dream where I had an opportunity to make out with a celebrity crush, and I didn't because of Annette. I truly can't win- I don't dream of us together and I can't even enjoy myself in dreams. 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

Saturdays are the worst, that was our day, the day we always saved for each other.

I grabbed this from you post of 2005 as I just wrote how that is still affecting me 6 years into this.  Others have their special times.   I know James hates weekends too.  But no matter what the day, it’s something that seems to stick for the reason it became the devoted time every couple tries to carve out from the day to day.  Not that they weren’t full of love too.  It’s so hard after years to face it again and again.  I don’t know if it still affects you.  I can’t ever see Saturday's being the same again.  No day is, but that one especially.  Waking up again after one has a shadow over it as usual because the experience was lost yet again.  No talk of how full we got or a new thing we tried and getting ready for BBQ night.  These memories just send out tendrils to more and more awareness of loss.
 

just read an article in our Sunday paper about covid isolation trauma.  They could have just called it grief trauma as well for people like us.  Others feel some hope with the vaccines to get back to families.  It might make me sound terrible, but I don’t feel much sympathy for them over the last year.  They have something to look forward to in the human connection way.  Stores, theaters, sports don’t mean anything to me.   I wish I could be one in the stories I see on TV of reuniting with loved ones.  😰

[nashreed]

I actually was able to get my first vaccine scheduled with Walgreens...tomorrow, after not being able to access anything on the site for a couple of weeks. Today they had oodles of appointment times. 

I'm doing it to a) hopefully show my Mom there's nothing to fear from it and b) so I can at least see my father-in-law and his family, because I feel it's important to him. They don't really believe in the vaccine, I don't think, and I hope it's ok to see them if I'm vaccinated. I'm kinda worried about getting it, but more worried about getting the virus. I heard a few people lost hearing from it! That would be my absolute nightmare!

[Gwenivere]

Never heard of losing hearing, just taste and smell.  That was from the virus, not the vaccine.  Glad you are getting the shot(s).  You won’t be able to see you FIL without the usual restrictions until he is vaccinated too.  And those around him.  

[kayc]

Now Fauci telling us that because its mutating there is no absolution about not getting a strain of it (40 now) even if vaccinated because it's constantly mutating.  I don't see them ever lifting mask restrictions unless you're in TX or another state that doesn't employ use of them or continual booster shots, always waiting your turn for the latest, etc.  What a nightmare!  I don't see "normal" in our future.  

But for those of us grieving, we already know that walk well.  Nothing has been "normal" for us since (enter date).

After nearly 16 years Saturdays are no longer a reminder of his absence, instead it's pretty much every day that it hits home to me.  I'm well aware he's gone.  I'm going this alone.  No one to talk to at the end of the day, no one to make their favorite food for, no one to hold me, ever!  No one to wake up and say, "Lets go here!  Lets do this!"  He had so much zest for life, so much zeal, while I'm more nose-to-the-grindstone...he balanced me, we balanced each other.  I saw to it the bills got paid and work got done, he saw to it we had fun, we stopped and smelled the roses.  It took BOTH of us as a team!  We were a perfect couple.

I think all of us here were.    We're missing them so much!  No matter how many years go by.

 

 

[nashreed]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Never heard of losing hearing, just taste and smell.  That was from the virus, not the vaccine.  Glad you are getting the shot(s).  You won’t be able to see you FIL without the usual restrictions until he is vaccinated too.  And those around him.  

Well, that's the thing- he's a Christian Anti-vaxxer. I know that he's not going to be around forever, so once I'm vaccinated, I can only do what I can do. My brother isn't even getting it, and he lives with me. He literally does not even own a short sleeve shirt- not even a T-shirt. I am trying to be smart and safe for myself, and trying to get my Mom to take it. 

What about those precious "kid hugging Grandma" videos? Kids aren't getting vaccinated in any meaningful capacity. I have to believe they are carriers. I will just feel better afterwards (hopefully), and not feel like I'm playing Russian Roulette at the dang grocery store. There's always maskless fools there. 

[Gwenivere]

I’m getting concerned about a lot of the information regarding covid these days.  So much keeps coming to light.  I was nervous getting the vaccine myself it having been so fast tracked.  Mutations concern me a lot.   They’re easier to get.  So many people not masking and congregating.   I haven’t felt well since my first dose, but I also am taking iron, low dose aspirin as well as being stressed out in many ways.   So pinning down the source is tough.  Seems kids aren’t getting it as easily as adults.  At least that is what I hear.  Don’t know why.  I think the 'grandma' thing is more to protect the kids.  Like I said, the whole thing is so complicated now.  I just mask up and use a lot of sanitizer.  Don’t touch my face til I do it out in public.  
 

7 hours ago, kayc said:

he balanced me, we balanced each other. 

Yes, that is what I miss more than anything.  Having been left to my own devices all these years, I’ve stressed myself much more without his influence.  I did the same for him.  I panic more easily because of problems I am ill equipped to handle and have to.  Sometimes just don’t want to.  Had another computer glitch last night that ate up many more times than it would have taken him to solve.  Got mail today that makes no sense to me about Medicare coverage that would have stressed him out and now I take his place instead of being the usual calm one.  
 

it’s true when you said all the days are reminders.  It’s become more so the more in firmed I get.  Each day a bit tougher than the last.  Saturday is the most emotional tho for intimacy.  Ally has been on my mind heavily too.  I miss being a trio for her energy.  Life force.  I’ve never fully grieved her passing.  But oddly, she’s become like a ghost and I see her all over the house and yard.  Missing her sounds.  Mel has become so mellow without her sister.  Not a good pairing with a severely depressed person.  I can’t fill all her canine needs fully.  
 

All the 'no ones' you listed.....ever again.  So very true.  I still get up.  I just don’t know why.  Oh yes, it hurts laying down too long.  Isn’t there any refuge for a bit?  That’s rhetorical.  I know there have been times, but I can’t summon them on demand.  All this therapy and I can’t get that and I really need it.  I did well about the computer tho.  Had to do other things and said to myself, it’s not going anywhere and you have to do these other things first.  Attack it later.  Doing things in panic mode only makes it longer to solve.  
 

pouring right now with hail.  Dark.  A day with no meaning.  Just want to cry.  Want Steve.  Want out of this existence.  I truly have forgotten what it feels like to be alive.  
 

 

[nashreed]

Well, I got my first Pfizer vaccine. It didn't hurt anymore than any shot.  I feel normal. 

I was just hearing that it was a post COVID "long hauler" symptom of tinnitus that caused one poor guy to kill himself. Now that is my worst nightmare, so I am absolutely glad I got my shot. We'll see how I feel tomorrow, but I'm feeling certainly less stressed. I slept like crap and my arms were hurting before I went, in anticipation. I think there's supposed to be less side effects with the Pfizer, so I actually got lucky for once.

[kayc]

I'm glad you got lucky w/side effects...the second shot is the one with them as it takes both shots to kick it in gear.

Woke up to snow, slippery to walk in.  Took my car in to the tire place about the tire pressure light being on, he did a bunch of stuff and told me to drive it 30 miles between 30 & 60 mph.  Thought, okay, I'll go get groceries!  Headed to town but got stopped by road construction so had to reset the trip meter and start the 30 miles all over!  Ended up having to drive to N. Eugene (far end) to get to 30.2 miles, praying I wouldn't get stopped or held up again!  Amazing how the traffic slows if you HAVE to go 30 mph!  Or how fast everyone wants to go if you HAVE to stay under 60!  Not as easy a feat as I thought.  It's off for now, hope it doesn't come back on!  Last time it did, a week after it'd been off!  Stupid sensitive technology, you'd think the reset button would do something, but no!  Got groceries, came home, poor Kodie had been in the house all day again, took him to Jazzy's to play, they were gone.  Came home & loaded the fire & started some soup.  Iris called & said they were home so I put a lid on the soup I'd started and turned it off, shut the fire down to med-high and took Kodie down there (last time for 2-3 weeks as they're going on vacation and getting her spayed, sad, no mini-Kodie/Jazzys).  Came home and got the fire going again & was surprised the soup was done!  Sat down at 8 & Kodie came and snuggled with me.  Glad the day is over!

[nashreed]

Well, not so lucky with it, because this morning I have very active arm soreness. I have to very careful how I move it. Boo.

[nashreed]

And I saw today that the CDC is saying it's ok for fully vaccinated people to visit un-vaccinated families, if it's only one household at a time...Not that the CDC hasn't changed their minds before, but at least I can not feel bad about seeing my father-in-law.

[Gwenivere]

Hope you still mask up.  None of the vaccines are 100% effective for exposure. 
 

this is the first day I haven’t felt 'off' since the first dose dose.  Guess it’s different for everyone.  This certainly has me concerned about the 2nd one.

[nashreed]

41 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Hope you still mask up.  None of the vaccines are 100% effective for exposure. 
 

this is the first day I haven’t felt 'off' since the first dose dose.  Guess it’s different for everyone.  This certainly has me concerned about the 2nd one.

Which brand was it? Other than a sore arm, I'm normal (whatever that means).

[Gwenivere]

Phizer.  I’ve see all different kinds of reactions to bth it and moderna.  Know one person that got the J&J and felt nothing but a little tired.  Two women I know got really sick, another felt hardly anything.  I had a pneumonia vaccine just over 2 weeks before which was supposed to be OK, But maybe affected it.  I’m still hesitant about the 2nd cause I always have such good luck.  Not.🥺

[kayc]

It may have to do with what other medical conditions you have as to how you react but it sure seems there have been exceptions to that!  The 39 year old healthy young woman that died after her second shot, they did an autopsy and wouldn't release the results to the public for privacy laws but her father still feels her death was tied to the shot and I have to assume they did release the autopsy results to the family, but who knows as messed up as our laws can be.  

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m still hesitant about the 2nd cause I always have such good luck.  Not.🥺

 

On 3/23/2021 at 9:53 AM, nashreed said:

And I saw today that the CDC is saying it's ok for fully vaccinated people to visit un-vaccinated families, if it's only one household at a time...Not that the CDC hasn't changed their minds before, but at least I can not feel bad about seeing my father-in-law.

They are saying (although there isn't such a thing as 100% efficacy) that you're not fully covered until two weeks AFTER your second shot.  And they're still telling us to mask up.  Fauci continues to after his vaccinations.

Although with 40 strains out there, I doubt they're all fully covered...this looks to be ongoing. 

 

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

Although with 40 strains out there, I doubt they're all fully covered...this looks to be ongoing. 

Did you mean 4?  Regardless, I share your concern about this being ongoing.   As this has all been so fast tracked, we have no idea if this remedy will be effective 6 months from now.  It’s this uncertainty that is pushing people into severe stress.  It was more hopeful when it began til the mutations gaining speed.  I’m also unhappy about having to feel so sick to get an uncertain immunity.  Never had that with regular flu or pneumonia shots.  I’m just worn out on it all as most are.  How we'll be forever changed.  They talk about hanging in there til we.can go back to normal.  I have no idea what that will be and there is a lot of speculation if that is even possible for how we have 'trained' to live against human nature.  I know I am uncomfortable around people now not just from my anxiety disorder, but now from no one wanting to be around me as a threat.

[kayc]

No, the news said forty mutations.  There are 4 subgroups.
https://nypost.com/2020/03/24/iceland-scientists-found-40-mutations-of-the-coronavirus-report-says/
 

 

[Gwenivere]

Wow.  The worries just keep on growing.  It’s no wonder people are getting PTSD from all this.  We don’t even have the post part yet being still in it.  

[Kieron]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 We don’t even have the post part yet being still in it.  

That's exactly it.

[Gwenivere]

I just read that Brazil is the worst offender and danger to strides in this pandemic as they aren’t enforcing the obvious means of trying to stop the spread.  Their leader sounds like our prior one downplaying it even tho they have surpassed us on deaths and infections.  I’ve always felt if a place (like Texas) wants to go against common sense, that was fine IF they stayed in their state, or country in this case.  I know everyone is burned out, but this could be continual if the world doesn’t ban together.  It’s not fair we are endangered like this.  So do we ban going there?   Ban them from our country?  I’m all for banning anyone from a high risk area. These days it comes down to taking care of our own.  It’s sad, but I see as true.  Ironically I read another article saying don’t read too much news.  That will add to the stress too.  They are right.

[nashreed]

My Mom has the news on now. They're talking about how much travel is up- they're just letting people fly internationally, willy-nilly. Who knows who's vaccinated. Why are they letting people travel? It'll just never end. My brother took off so he could go to a Hooters or somewhere. Now that indoor dining is allowed in California again. He doesn't care. He wants the mask-wearing to end, and things to get back to normal, but he won't get vaccinated. Pisses me off. 

I can't tell you how much I just don't want to be here anymore. I just want to be with Annette, wherever she is. She's still all I think about. Everything is related to how much she meant to me and her life. I will think of her when something triggers a memory, of a funny saying she had or something-- but more and more, thinking of her makes me sad and depressed and I just don't care about anything. 

[nashreed]

I have to remind myself with pictures that we had great times, fun trips. My memory for them kinda sucks, but it makes me feel better knowing that she had a good life. This was in Redding, California. She was obsessed with the fact they had the classic red fire hydrants. She had never seen them! (Always yellow down here)