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Been 5 long years


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My dear husband Al has bee gone for 5 years.  Some ways it seems like yesterday.  Other times It seems like forever since I saw him.  We were only married 15 years.  The best years of my life.   I miss him so very much and hate facing so much alone.  Have to get a heart monitor put on this week.  Doctor wrote an order.  He does not realize all the anxiety it produces.  Where do I get it?  Where do I park?  Will they put it on for me?  I think I have it figured out.  And my brother is now in a nursing home with his dementia.  And my daughter is having hand and elbow surgery tomorrow.  I need Al with me now.

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5 years seems to be so hard for everyone.  Half a decade maybe?  I dunno.  I do know it started a new phase that is at times even harder than the initial loss years.  I’m not wailing and sobbing, but feeling the, maybe, true meaning of this being forever, health problems of my own, like you, and aging alone.  Most things are not temporary anymore.  

I totally get your anxiety about the heart monitor.  This is so easy for the docs.  They forget this is all scary for us plus they aren’t the ones doing the things they order.  They rattle off tests and procedures like they are nothing.  To have your concern about your brother and daughter is added weight.  

My heart goes out to you.  I wish Al were there for you to lean on too.  ❤️

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Oh Gin, my heart feels your sorrow as you reach the 5 year milestone.  You seem to be facing so many issues right now that would be so much bearable if your Al were with you.  I hope your heart monitor procedure will be accomplished with little stress for you.  Even though you say you are alone, please know even though we aren't physically there with you, we are with you in our thoughts.  Best wishes and hugs, Dee.

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Gin, I hope all goes well for your daughter today.  You have a lot going on right now, as I do and so many of us here.  We made it through the initial shock, early grief, but what people don't understand is it's never "over."  It's in LIVING WITH our grief, our loss, missing them so much and not having them to go through all of the things with us, yes like heart monitors, surgeries, needing them to be part of our "team" and having to do it all alone, it feels like we're carrying that weight alone, and so unfair!  I know, no such thing as "fair," is there!  

I'm glad you figured out about the heart monitor.  And that your brother is safely in a care facility who can adequately watch him and take care of his needs.  It's nearly impossible to take care of a dementia patient all by oneself the rest of their lives, I've seen people try, and they realize eventually that they can't be awake 24/7 to do so.

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

  It's nearly impossible to take care of a dementia patient all by oneself the rest of their lives, I've seen people try, and they realize eventually that they can't be awake 24/7 to do so.

kayc:  I unfortunately agree with your comment.   Some 20 years ago, when I was younger and my daughter was healthier, we tried to share caring for my Mother who had dementia.  My Mother was recovering from a broken hip surgery.  My daughter stayed with my Mother during the week and I stayed with her on weekends since I was still working.  Even during that eight months period we began to realize it was no longer possible for "just us" to care for her.  The illness changes them so drastically.  I looked into home care help but before it was finalized, my Mother passed away.  The book, "The 36 Hour Day" tells it like it is, unfortunately. 

Hugs, to you, Gin.  Dee

 

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Gin, we both lost in October of the same year.  I have his wooden urn beside my desk on the corner table with the little LED lights Christmas tree that is on 24/7, unless we move (did once) or the electricity goes out.  People may think it strange, but then they remember who I am, then it is no longer strange.  Lost another classmate Saturday.  I had not seen her or her husband since 1960.  My memories are of the 17-18 year old kids.  That makes five in the last year of my classmates and two more close friends and my aunt.  Sometimes I talk to Billy when the moon is out.  I talk to him when I am alone on my little trips.  I have given my kids no reason to doubt my driving, my memory is probably the same as it was at 17.  I have always walked into rooms and forgot why.  I cannot tell my family I am going anywhere.  I do let them know by FB messenger, if they need me then I'm on my cell phone, then I'm gone again.  I have places to go, memories to remember (alone).. I hope I can still keep doing this.  Long country roads, no traffic. 

My heart goes out to you during our griefaversary.  

hug.png

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Some days it feels like he was standing next to me or calling to me from the next room just five minutes ago, but most days it feels like forever. It feels like yesterday that I brought my tiny baby daughter home from the hospital. Where did our lives go? We all know the answer to that one. Yet somehow we move forward alone.

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All day long is right.  I was feeling so down today I called my cousin.  She said at the end that I sounded better.  That was true, but I told her as soon as we hung up I will go back to the dark depression.  Like Karen said, it’s like we are jumping back and forth in time constantly.  Sometimes it’s the knowledge of how long it’s been, the next it’s how did this happen as it seems they were just here. As much as I hate waking mornings sad I can’t talk to him, it’s actually worse when I realize I didn’t think of it right away.  Then it hits harder when I do.

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Gin, sending you hugs, I hope you did okay, I know how hard it is...

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I'm glad you have your daughter with you!  How does the monitor work, if you don't mind my asking?  Big hugs!!

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Kay, unfortunately my daughter is not with me.  It just records the ECG FOR 24 hours.  Someone reads it and reports to doc.  Sounds so simple but there was a lot of walking from registration to cardiology.  Maybe I am done with it now.  Gin

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Sometimes I think doctors order tests just because their in cahoots with the labs and imaging places. Went to the doc today. He was a nice enough old guy. Said my lungs were nice and clear, but then told me to get a chest x ray and a sputum test because I cough in the mornings and evenings. Well, duh, I smoke. What do you expect? All I wanted was a refill on my meds..........

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So, did you at least get your refill?  I wonder about all the tests they order too.  I’m on several meds and supplements that are known irritants and my doc says get an endoscopy.  He prescribes them!   Plus I use nicotine lozenges which cause upset.  Karen, I’d give ANYTHING for a real cig!!!  

 

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You're right, Karen.  Open secret that no one talks about: since insurance is king, doctors and other helping professionals are expected to meet a billing quota, depending on their practice.  There's also the fear of malpractice and lawsuits.  For doctors, if they don't push enough procedures on the patient, they get the side-eye from administrators ($$$$$$$), or worse, they push procedures on the off chance of catching some problem in the early stages.  Prevention is one thing, but pushing procedures for fear of getting in trouble/angry vengeful patient later on is another.  On my side of things, no billing, no paycheck so I have to hustle to get people lined up for appointments and meet a quota or I get a lecture and a individual service plan to rectify the situation.  It's all about the dollars.  🙄😛🤪  I know you all know this, too, it's just one of my pet peeves.

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Kieron, I'm learning this is especially true for what doctors tell us, not only recommendations about procedures, but Rxs, diet, everything is about big pharma and funding.  They skew the "studies" so horribly it's shocking!  To learn I've been on statins unnecessarily for 23 years and they CAUSE Diabetes, all I can say is WOW!  One of the things I've learned since tackling my Diabetes is they have all of the wrong guidelines!  Our George (iPraiseHim) is a wealth of knowledge, he has spent countless hours researching, researching, researching (and he remembers things better than I do) and he's given me so much information, it's turned my life/health around!  The doctors gave me no help, quite the contrary, they often lead us down a labyrinth of WRONG COURSE!  The key is finding a doctor that will listen and not buck you on everything you do for your health.  Trying to find my spinal cord and figure out how much to tell them, when to stand my ground and hopefully do it without being thrown out of the practice I go to.

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Good for you, Kay.  I learned about statins some years ago and I persuaded Mark not to accept the prescription written by whoever it was at the time.  It's my understanding that doctors only get one course in food  and nutrition in their many years of medical training, unless they choose to specialize in it.  So they don't really understand how food choices can make or break us, and of course there are the solicitations and sales of drugs, and kickbacks for prescribing them, as you mention, which is beyond disgusting.

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Kieron, I think it was last year that my doctor wanted me to get a physical. He agreed that I really didn't need it and flat out told me it was a requirement for him in order to meet some Medicare requirement. At least he was honest about it. We'd all like to think that our doctors are concerned for our health when they send us to Joe Specialist because of a blip on the screen. Most times the blip is in their wallet. Where's Doc Adams when you need him?  lol

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On 10/8/2020 at 8:28 AM, Kieron said:

doctors only get one course in food  and nutrition in their many years of medical training, unless they choose to specialize in it.  So they don't really understand how food choices can make or break us

I'm still on the statins but refuse to allow them to raise them!  Doctors are taught all wrong, so are dieticians!  This helped me undersand better, I've done a lot of reading & watching videos on the subject that helped me realize the changes I needed to make to get my Diabetes under control... Ignoring the guidelines

 

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