Why can't I dream of my wife?

[nashreed]

I actually did dream of Annette last night- although it was very brief. Through the dream, I was not myself- I was a worker, doing some kind of inventory in a series of warehouses. It seems to have been related to seeing the vaccine rollout on the news, as I was aware to be careful of COVID in the building, but also taking stock of product (I used to do inventory work and also check in boxes of merchandise in previous jobs- so work dreams are common). I had a supervisor and an assistant and at some point the assistant turned around to kiss me! Only then did I recognize that the "assistant" was Annette. She didn't look like her, but I knew it was her because she did something that only she would do (and has done before)- she slipped her gum in my mouth! I thought it was gross, and then I woke up. She chewed gum constantly, so I was very aware it was her. The fact that I woke up and remembered the dream -which is rare- means that it meant something.

[kayc]

Maybe she's letting you know she is with you?  Maybe her subconscious reaching yours?  IDK.    I like to think so anyway!

[kayc]

That brings me to something else...maybe we DO dream of them and don't remember it because we're in a deep sleep!

[nashreed]

The funny part is me remembering it and making a point to remember, which I don't usually do. Most mornings I have a very vague recollection of what I dreamt (like this morning) and there was no Annette component in there at all.

 

[nashreed]

Today I woke up very sad, because I dreamt that I asked Annette how she was feeling and I remember she said "terrible". That's not necessarily an unusual response. She would usually say "hurtin'". I just started thinking about all the ways I could have made her feel terrible. She used to leave me a message every hour at work, just to let me know she was ok (she would tell me what her blood sugar was, and in the last two months, her temperature). Sometimes she would forget, or her phone would run out of battery life. She would get sleepy (pain and sleep apnea made it very hard to get a good nights sleep) very early and sometimes get kinda loopy and forget to call. So if I couldn't call her back (because her phone was charging or something), I would freak the freak out and I sometimes had to race home on my lunch to make sure she was ok. I did find her a couple of times with a low blood sugar and one time had to call EMSA. But if it was just some reason like she didn't hear the phone because she was watching something, I would get so mad and yell at her because she knew how much I worried. I feel terrible about things like that still. I wish I had been better to her. 

[kayc]

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

I just started thinking about all the ways I could have made her feel terrible.

Why would you personalize her replying "Terrible."  Since you know what all she went through and how she felt physically.  

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

I would get so mad and yell at her because she knew how much I worried. I feel terrible about things like that still. I wish I had been better to her. 

But we're human.  May not excuse it but we can all sure understand it!  And we all have our foibles.  Forgive yourself.  Yes, forgive.   Make that concerted loving action towards yourself, she would!  It's what we do when we love each other!

[nashreed]

Yes- I know. It's hard to do- I have regrets still. With time, I don't feel as bad. I felt so bad because I used to be so protective of her, that I smothered her. I was always bugging her- asking if she needed a nap, because I knew sleep was important for her, and I didn't want her to be "woogy" (our word for being sleepy and out of it and not thinking clearly). I truly only had her best interests at heart. I know she understands, but I have to deal with it so it makes sense to me. All my worrying didn't help anything, and that's a hard pill to swallow.

[Missy1965]

On 10/10/2020 at 1:20 PM, nashreed said:

I often think that if I had loved my wife more, I would have died when she did. I've heard that happens. Lucky people.

This is not true. I am still very much in love with Brian and wanted to join him for the first 2 months. I just knew I was going to die from a broken heart, and still do sometimes, but I know in my heart he doesn't want that for me, and neither does Annette for you. I would've given anything to go with him, but as painful as it is, and sometimes these are just words, God left us here for a reason. What that reason is, I don't know. But nothing happens without His permission. He doesn't allow difficulty without a Divine purpose for it. This is a journey none of us asked for or like, but we must do our best, as hard as it is, to live the life they couldn't. To honor them by living for them. I cry everyday and will miss him as long as I have breath in my body, but I try to picture how whole, happy and free he is now. We WILL see them again and what a reunion that will be. 

[nashreed]

Absolutely! I agree Missy. I just need to have patience. She used to sing a song from her childhood (in a low, deep turtle voice)- "Have patience, have patience. Don't be in such a hurry..."

I love Annette and there's not a minute that goes by that I don't think of her in some way. I know that there's still some reason I'm here. Sometimes I think I'm being punished- like I'm in purgatory. I just try to be what Annette would want me to be. I don't know what my purpose is yet, though.

[Missy1965]

James, I used to feel like I was being punished as well, but God doesn't operate that way. We live in a fallen world. It's not God's will for anyone to die, but He doesn't always intervene. He knows what we don't. He sees the future, and it breaks His heart knowing how broken hearted we are. It doesn't always feel like it, but He is with us every step of the way. 

I don't know if anything I've said has brought you even a sliver of comfort, as I am still in deep grief myself, but you are not alone in this journey. I pray that in the coming days, we will be able to smile again and always remember how very much we are still loved by Annette and Brian. Although we can't see or touch them, they are very much alive in Heaven and in our hearts. They will always be cheering us on and will be with us in everything we do. 

[nashreed]

I know Missy. I like to think that God knew Annette had had enough pain, and with His Mercy, He called her home. I know she was ready. I never doubted it. She was saved. She was a big fan of the singer Keith Green, who had a tragic death, but touched so many with his music. 

You have helped- believe me. Just having people who understand. I don't have anybody in "real life" to talk to. The miracle of the Internet. 

I can imagine Annette cheering me on. Thanks!

[Missy1965]

3 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I know Missy. I like to think that God knew Annette had had enough pain, and with His Mercy, He called her home. I know she was ready. I never doubted it. She was saved. She was a big fan of the singer Keith Green, who had a tragic death, but touched so many with his music. 

You have helped- believe me. Just having people who understand. I don't have anybody in "real life" to talk to. The miracle of the Internet. 

I can imagine Annette cheering me on. Thanks!

I won't go into the personal details of how/why Brian died, but I believe God had mercy on him as well, and took him out of his mental and physical struggles.  He knew what the future held for him and took him home so he could be finally be free. 

[nashreed]

I dreamt of Annette. I'm happy and sad simultaneously and wide awake at 5:45 am (I woke up at 4:44).

I prayed to God last night, and He heard my prayer. I was having an old school work dream about working at the music store in the 90's (I remember Dave Matthews Band music playing) and it was good- I loved that store (Wherehouse Music with a huge floor of CD's) I was taken out of the reality of that dream (nobody preorders DVD's anymore!) and I awake in a sunlit bedroom I don't recognize (I think it was our first apartment in Tulsa). Annette rolls in, in a wheelchair, but looks fit and happy. She says "Hi Baby" and then we hug, and I feel such love and warmth. It was her! She hugged so tight. It didn't last long enough, hugs never do, but I felt it. For a second it was real. I felt her love and the tightness of her hug. It was a weird feeling of her being right there, but knowing she has passed. But, I know she's good. I have this clarity that my family needs me here on earth, but she's with me and waiting for me. I needed this, I've been waiting for her and so needing a hug from her. Merry Christmas Eve! 

[kayc]

I so agree with everything Missy said here!  I, too, didn't want to live w/o my George, I think most of us here have felt that way, esp. in the beginning, it was overwhelming and felt like it cut clear through me, and as we all know, we're NOT the same person anymore.  But we lived while they were spared.  I believe there is some purpose and although it might take years for you to figure out what exactly, sometimes we can see the growth in ourselves in retrospect.  This has been a long arduous journey, not of our making or liking necessarily, but I've learned so much stuff that is beyond measure in it, developed confidence, grown my faith, etc.  Do I get weary of it sometimes?  You betcha I do!  I pray every day for strength for today, not only for me but for others here as well.  That I've survived 15 1/2 years alone is amazing to me, it's not always easy, but we're doing this...  It helps to know HE is out of his struggles.  

[Pat R]

On 10/10/2020 at 10:01 AM, nashreed said:

Oh, people stopped caring about how I'm doing way before even 5 months. Not that I have many people in my life. I'm just getting through day by day.

I am just getting started with the loss of my wife two weeks ago.  I am sad that people may stop caring about me way before 5 months... but I can certainly see it happening.

[kayc]

@Pat RYour loss is so fresh, my heart goes out to you.  The hardest thing in the world I've gone through, I lost my husband nearly 16 years ago and have thought of him and missed him each day since.

[HG88]

On 10/10/2020 at 11:58 AM, nashreed said:

That is very interesting. 

I desperately want to see Annette in my dreams, but I feel like I don't want her to "get in trouble" if I pray for her to be able to appear. I KNOW that she is in Heaven- I have never had any doubt of that. I don't want God to think that I doubt. Her faith was much stronger than mine. She had no doubt about her afterlife. I would not want to rock the boat with my doubt, if that makes sense. It would be incredibly selfish. I know she's ok, and pain free. Wanting her to "visit" me is purely selfish and I just have to wrestle with if that's right to do that.

If it is not a genuine visitation dream (presuming such things are real) then just randomly dreaming of her (your mind creating the image of her) might not be very helpful for you at all. Sometimes dreams are like that and you cannot really interact with the person because they are not really there, it's all our mind's creation. But I certainly am open to the possibility that visitation dreams can be real so remain available. You are probably right rhat thinking of her during the day, you are processing the whole thing that way, when you then fall asleep your mind is sorting through irrelevant memories, hence the highschool dreams and other people from the past. or perhaps in your waking hours, so much brain activity goes to thoughts of your wife, that when you sleep all those areas go dormant to recharge so to speak, so the other parts are more available. 

Do you ever experience hypnogogic states? it just means the dreamy but not yet asleep state we droft into before falling asleep, also right as we wake up (separate term, hypnopompic i think). you my find it interesting to 'access' this delicate state intentionally and when you're 'there', bring to mind your wofe. you may be surprised with the results. to get in that state, I recommend you try different things, but basically you want to change your usual bedtime routine, like change location, change aspects of the routine. change your common laying position, i find flat on my back most conducive to interesting dream activity, or try sleeping outside on a clear night with full moon. might sound stupid but again, you might be surprised. You will know when you are in that state, you will still feel conscious, but soemthing about your thinking process has shifted and you are snugly inside your mind and removed from your senses and easy body movements. at that time, just let your thoughts turn to Annette, how she was in life, memories, and speak to her, if it helps simply address her like"wherever you are....i wish you were here". Maybe she will show up! maybe not, but wouldnt that be nice, even for a brief moment. 

[Caleb]

I have not dreamt about my father since he died. But I haven’t been sleeping as well. Hopefully soon I get to see him in my dreams.

[Caleb]

Finally dreamt about my dad last night. He was in great physical condition. No more physical limitations. I hugged him as long as I could. He said not too tight. Thank you dad for being in my dream. 

[Elizabethr7360]

I haven’t dreamt of John at all.  I dreamt of talking to one of his nurses early on, but that’s it.  His kids and friends dream of him.  I think it’s partly the temazepam and partly…like John lost his dad at 9 and it was exceedingly rare he’d dream of him - I only remember one occasion.  He was very upset by it.  I think when you’re really raw, and I suspect we remain raw with certain kinds of hurts, then not dreaming of the person is self-protective.  It’s hard enough waking up at all.  I do feel they have funny ways of reaching us, however.  Like I’ve been wearing his watch and it had stopped working.  All of a sudden it started up again yesterday with the exact time difference between us - 5 hours later than me.  Marveled at that honestly.  xxx