KateriB Posted October 7, 2020 Report Share Posted October 7, 2020 My now ex-boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me last week, packed all his things up from our house and decided to move to another state. I'm feeling really blindsided and confused at the moment. Both my ex and I are 30 years old if that matters. Story below, sorry it's a long one! I met my now ex (I'm going to refer to him as Nick, not his real name) in March of 2019 and we started taking very soon after meeting (my good friend dates his friend so we were set up on a date). At the time of meeting him I just gotten out of an 8 year relationship 6 months prior. My breakup with my ex of 8 years was brutal and I was having a hard time moving on. It was a very up and down relationship that turned toxic and involved cheating (on his end) and eventual verbal and emotional abuse. I met Nick* 6 months after my ex and I broke up and 2 weeks after I finally blocked my ex on phone and e-mail. Needless to say I may not have been in the best mindset to date again and was only looking for something casual. We ended up hitting it off, moved in together 6 months later and lived together for a year. Overall, I thought my realtionship with Nick was really good. He was very patient with me in the beginning knowing I wasn't long out of a tough breakup. He was kind, easy to talk to, very open and trustworthy. He made me feel secure in our relationship and I could rely on him in a way my ex never did. If I'm honest, I think the fact that we didn't "play games" and I could trust him were huge draws. Maybe even more so than if I was really head over heels in love with him as a person. Nick comes from a background with some pretty heavy trauma from his childhood. His birth mom died of a drug overdose when he was 4 and he was the one to find her body. His dad remarried about a year later to his stepmom who adopted and raised Nick and his brother. His stepmom was horribly physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to Nick. I've noticed how this abuse has affected him as adult in terms of how he deals with his anger, stressful situations and has some self esteem and insecurity issues. I've witnessed him punch a hole through a way and punch himself in the face on more than one occasion when he is very angry and upset. This was obviously very alarming behavior to witness but it was never directed at me and he always treated me well. As time went on I tried to get him to look into therapy for anxiety/depression but he never really followed through. After some research we think he may have Borderline Personalty Disorder which would explain a lot of his behavior. This is purely based off of internet research and he has never been formally diagnosed. All that aside, day to day or relationship was really nice. We lived together great, enjoyed a lot of the same hobbies and rarely had big fights or issues (a big departure from my previous relationship). In the past few months we've been talking about moving to the East Coast where I am from and possibly getting married. He had seemed very on board with this but about a month and a half ago, his dad got sick with cancer. His dad was 78 and had cancer in the past and hadn't been in great health. Unfortunately the cancer diagnosis was sudden and he passed 4 week later, but his death wasn't a huge shock. Nick had been mentally preparing for his dads death due to his older age and bad health for awhile. We flew out together when we heard his dad was sick and he was able to spend a few nice weeks with him. His abusive stepmom was still married to his dad at the time of this death so unfortunately we had to see a lot of her. She acts very sweet now and never acknowledges the abuse she put Nick through. The day after his dad died she changed the locks on their house so Nick and his siblings wouldn't be able to go to the house any more. Over the last few weeks he had started talking more and more about moving home for awhile to spend time with his family and heal. I made it pretty clear I didn't want to do that but I could start heading East and he could join me when he was ready but that this may lead to us deciding our lives were going in directions and this could lead to a breakup. He got very upset and angry when I brought up the potential of a break up. I brought it up again this past Monday after he had gotten home because our lease is up in a month and we need to give our landlord notice. He was pretty annoyed I brought it up on a Monday morning but basically admitted he decided he doesn't want to move to East coast and he needs to be back with his family indefinitely. Seems like he had made up his mind and was moving back and decided not to even factor me into his plan or have the conversation with me. I was very surprised considering about 3 weeks ago he was begging me to pick a date when I thought I might be able to come back to where his dad lived for a few months and when I wouldn't make a plane he got pretty on edge asking if I still loved him and that I was "emotionally distant". It seems like such an extreme 180 from a few weeks ago when he got mad that I brought up the potential of a breakup and we were trying to make a plan together. We went back and forth for awhile and it ended in him packing all his things from our house, loading his truck and driving 8 states away back to where his family is. He said he needed to be alone to figure things out and can't be in a relationship right now. Said he's very lost, confused, having suicidal thoughts and doesn't know what he needs. We talked a few times on the phone while he drove and last Wednesday he texted me basically saying "I love you. I've said somethings I haven't fully though through and I'm sorry. Give me a few days to think and write and see where my head is at". I didn't respond, trying to respect his wishes of needing time and have only heard from him once in a week when he texted two days ago saying "How are you doing?". Again, I didn't respond to that because I think I'm owed a little more than that. I'm not sure if I should reach out or just let him be and hope he gets the help he needs. He's knows for making emotional, impulsive decisions but I'm shocked he hasn't even called in a week. I know his grieving and lost right now and his dads death has brought up a lot of the trauma from his stepmom but I feel totally cut out and thrown away like I never mattered. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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